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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dads staying over night

458 replies

silverperiwinkle · 08/08/2015 16:53

What do you think?
m.burtonmail.co.uk/Burton-Queen-s-Hospital-introduce-scheme-allow/story-27564928-detail/story.html

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/08/2015 21:38

They have a lifetime with their kids. Women have a short time to recover from a trauma. Putting aside the 'beautiful early moments', they have been through a medical procedure, they are as entitled as any other person in hospital to recover and rest in peace.

ApocalypseThen · 09/08/2015 21:41

Don't see why loving dads can't see their children and get that bond with them

Hospitals are for recovery from medical procedures, not family holidays.

MissBattleaxe · 09/08/2015 21:45

Sounds to me like people have a problem with loving fathers seeing their children. They are not just the property of their mothers ya know

How dare you make the very last bastion of female-only space into an issue about men's rights.

quesadillas · 09/08/2015 21:53

It may be "anecdotes and rare cases" of unpleasantness, but isn't that enough to try and prevent it happening in the first place?

I've mentioned this subject to my mother. She's horrified. I was premature and in for a fortnight. My dad visited for a couple of hours a day. Our bond was fine. There's my anecdotal (vague) evidence - men not being on the ward doesn't affect bonding with their children.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/08/2015 21:57

They've got the rest of their lives to be dad. Twenty four hours is not make or break. Some women don't get to spend the first few days with unwell babies.

Far better to have a well rested and patient dad coming in to support the mother rather than 2 sleep deprived parents bickering.

kandykat · 09/08/2015 22:06

Ads should be allowed to stay,
When I had dd I was gutted when dh was sent home early to get a rest
And I was seriously struggling on my own
Awful
Would be different in a well staffed place where there are actually people to help you
But let's face it the hospitals are woefully inadequate

kandykat · 09/08/2015 22:08

DAds should be allowed to stay,
When I had dd I was gutted when dh was sent home early to get a rest
And I was seriously struggling on my own
Awful
Would be different in a well staffed place where there are actually people to help you
But let's face it the hospitals are woefully inadequate

Anniesaunt · 09/08/2015 22:21

Absolutely they are woefully inadequate. They are not going to be made better by cramming more people in to the same space, increasing the noise levels and giving the staff more people to be responsible for. Especially when half of the adults there are not patients.

themadwoman · 09/08/2015 22:36

Exactly. Many mothers probably want their partners there

WhatifIdid · 09/08/2015 22:39

I really don't want to be explaining to the mw how I'm concerned that my grazed labia and vagina are in fact torn and that I can't do a wee; that my nipples are so sore that I'm crying as I feed my dd - I really don't wanmt to be having that conversation knowing there's a random bloke the other side of a curtain hearing it all.

I don't want to be rolling over while the mw examines said grazing knowing there's random bloke about 30 cm away - who also randomly poked his head around curtain when he felt like it and WOKE me up after 72 hours of not sleeping to ask me where the water jugs were kept.

That is why my next two were home births.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/08/2015 22:45

Want - not need. I don't want your partner next to methemadwoman, when I'm physically at my lowest, I would barely want my own. Your selfish 'want' does not outweigh my or every other woman on the ward's need to rest and recover. Because it's a bloody hospital, and this argument does not happen for any other type of medical ward. You visit at visiting time, then go home. As it should be, no excuses, no bothering people who need rest and recuperation.

quesadillas · 09/08/2015 22:46

Oh I want my partner there. He's lovely and would be a great help to me. To other women he's a stranger, and I'm respectful enough to realise that he could make others feel uncomfortable. He also has a loud voice which could annoy people.

Using the "there aren't enough staff so I need my husband" argument is wrong, and it makes it easy for the powers that be to reduce and dismantle the NHS further. How long before relatives caring for patients on all wards becomes the norm because it happens on maternity? What happens then to people who have nobody?

And why do I have complete privacy when discussing my ears with the GP but I'm expected to discuss my boobs, bleeding, toilet habits etc with anybody who happens to be on the other side of a curtain?

themadwoman · 09/08/2015 22:50

I'm sure most if not all men there really don't care about your boobs, vagina etc. They would be more focused on their children

MissBattleaxe · 09/08/2015 22:51

If you want your partner there pay for a room. Don't expect recovering female patients to have to accept your preferences

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/08/2015 22:54

Want. If you have a cs they want you to move. A partner could in theory impede recovery by allowing the mother to be immobile.

kandykat · 09/08/2015 22:54

Hubert this is what it was like when people started suggesting men should be at the births of their children

People getting their knickers ina. Right twist over it

So what if a random man hears you talking about sore nipples etc
Can't see why that matters at all

CaptainHolt · 09/08/2015 22:55

So now I'm a fucking anecdote? Hmm

Why is my right not to have a teenage boy swearing at me while I'm in labour come below the 'rights' of said boy to be on a female ward during the night? Can't believe I've just typed that. Who would be mad enough to think that men's wants trump women's needs in maternity services?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/08/2015 22:56

Oh mad you are amazing. You know what the majority of women and men are thinking. That's some intuition delusion you have.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/08/2015 22:57

When I was having DS, he was overdue and I was in hospital waiting to be induced. Late that night, the medical staff insisted that my birth partners( friend and my mum) left and came back in the morning. Much as I loved them, I was gkad they had gone. I wanted some peace and quiet.
In general, people's need to be left alone should always trump someone else's need to bother them or be there.

MissBattleaxe · 09/08/2015 22:59

Kandykat are serious? You can't see how it matters? How about the sensitivities of other patients?

CaptainHolt · 09/08/2015 23:00

I'm sure most if not all men there really don't care about your boobs, vagina etc

So? It's not up to the men to decide what they are interested in. It's nothing to do with them. It's up to the women to decide who they want present during medical procedures. You wouldn't go to the GP for a smear and have it done in the waiting room because it's possible that the blokes waiting are more interested in the readers digest.

quesadillas · 09/08/2015 23:03

I don't care that the other men dont care. I don't care that I'll never see them again. I just don't want them hearing my business. I think privacy around medical matters is a very basic right. Having a family stay in the NHS hotel is not a basic right.

As I said up thread, if I'm on the ward (fingers crossed not) I'll be asking for all non-patients to leave the room if a doctor comes to talk to me outside regular visiting hours. I don't care who I piss off. I certainly won't be the one moving.

Despite the fact that I know this is my last pregnancy and I could just suck it up, it makes me so worried for the future of our health service that it's becoming more common. Crikey, when my (as yet unborn) daughter is giving birth, I'll probably have to deliver the baby myself the way things are going!

SolidGoldBrass · 09/08/2015 23:05

And yes, some women do want their (male) partners to be with them during labour. That's fair enough, though not all women want that and not all women in labour actually have a male partner anyway. But friends and family members aren't generally allowed to hang abbout during other medical procedures (my medically-obsessed, harmless but nosy mum was shooed out of the room when I had eye surgery). There is a difference between allowing people to have the support of their family and friends up to the point where it becomes a medical matter,and having loads of randoms running all over the ward.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/08/2015 23:05

kandy the same thing went through my mind earlier but then I had a think. With home births men were downstairs and heard the screams. Medicalisation meant the woman was handed over to the professionals at the first hint of labour. The dad got to see a sanitised version and the 'labour' was glossed over.
Now a couple can share the birth privately together. They see what the mother does. They're cheaper than professionals and generally focussed on the labouring woman.
If all post natal care was as private as birth and we'll attended then I'd have less opposition but I do think women should have some alone time with professionals to discuss concerns they may have.

MissBattleaxe · 09/08/2015 23:05

Madwoman you keep seeing this from the man's perspective and it's not about them. It's about what a recovering mother needs
needs.

.