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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dads staying over night

458 replies

silverperiwinkle · 08/08/2015 16:53

What do you think?
m.burtonmail.co.uk/Burton-Queen-s-Hospital-introduce-scheme-allow/story-27564928-detail/story.html

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 09/08/2015 18:05

After my EMCS for DS1 I was in a very understaffed postnatal ward for several days. It was hell - the staff rarely helped with getting the baby to me for feeding, getting out of bed and to the toilet was excruciating - but I still wouldn't have wanted men there at all hours. The post-CS ward (4 beds) was a trail of tears at 3am, but the women who were doing OK were supportive to one another and helped out, a kind of paying it forwards as we became the 'older hands' to more recently arrived Mums. It was such a vulnerable time, I was bleeding like a stuck pig and looked and felt like shit. Visiting times were enough of a chore, but at least you knew people were going home at some point and you could slob out/relax and try to get some sleep. I don't think I'd have relaxed at all if there were strangers/men there at all hours. As it was, I was so exhausted when I got home my DH thought I was unconscious and had started to panic because it took such a long time to rouse me from my first 'proper' sleep. It's a horrible idea.

LovesYoungDream · 09/08/2015 18:14

I'm totally against it too. Hated the all day visiting, I just wanted some peace and quiet to recover, rest and nurse my baby.

Ubik1 · 09/08/2015 18:35

Men are there during the day - from 9am to 9pm at our hospital.

I would have loved it with dd1 but only if we had our own room .
I was on SCBU ward for two weeks without DP overnight and it was pretty tiring. Would have been great to have him there.

But having visited a few maternity wards I just don't think it's a good idea unless significant changes are made to accommodate men/relatives/the local rugby team.
It's the noise, heat, noise etc

DustBunnyFarmer · 09/08/2015 18:43

I really felt for the woman in the bay opposite me when I was in the postnatal ward after DS2, as she'd arrived post-delivery in the wee small hours whilst I was doing a feed and they'd had to shoo her husband out so she could rest. Her baby hardly slept and you could see she was on her knees (metaphorically). He reappeared at 8am with a rabble of relatives in tow (not the 2 permitted, more like 10) and then proceeded to stay all day as a succession of relatives came in and out, maintaining a lively party vibe all day. In between guests he made noisy calls in his mobile to all and sundry. You could see her visibly wilting. He was completely oblivious. Her relief when he was booted out (arguing the toss) at 8pm was palpable. She was totally done in and looked wretched, as were the rest of the Mums in the ward. My son was in the SCIBU, so I did at least have the option of hiding out in the SCIBU unit or putting in earplugs and taking daytime naps. I think I would have hobbled over and kneecapped and gagged him for her if he'd stayed on at night, probably aided by the other Mums on the ward.

DustBunnyFarmer · 09/08/2015 18:44

Doh, I was expressing in the night - not doing a feed in person.

oddfodd · 09/08/2015 19:34

DustBunny - that's entirely the point isn't it? The visitors aren't there for the mum. They're generally exhausting and awful. Even if they're the dad.

I suspect this destaffing of postnatal wards will lead to a couple of massive incidents and then it will stop. But not until a couple of women and/or their babies have died at the hands of their violent partners. Or because they've been neglected through lack of attention

DustBunnyFarmer · 09/08/2015 19:37

Sadly, I think you are probably right oddfodd. Depressing thought, though.

Hellionandfriends · 09/08/2015 19:45

He less bodies and more quiet the better. I don't mind babies crying but I do mind endless chattering and moving around when I just want to sleep

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/08/2015 19:46

I am another who'd support the reduction of visiting times and would be against partners being allowed to stay. Most of the points I'd make have already been made so no reason to repeat them.
When my youngest was in SCBU we had the grim episode where the separated parents of a newborn had a screaming row in there. Staff had to separate and remove both of them. That's not their job. Post natal wards are grim as it is. Making them more crowded and less private isn't going to make things any better.

Idontseeanydragons · 09/08/2015 19:51

With my eldest I was in a ward where the rule was that partners only could stay until 10 at night then had to leave. The partners of the other women were all respectful, quiet and friendly sorts only concerned with their new family and it was Still uncomfortable having them there at that time when we were trying to get some rest!
I sent DH home at the end of normal visiting hours to eat & rest (we were in the middle of doing up our house at the time) and to get as much quiet time for myself as possible after letting the MW take DS to the night nursery.
Bad idea all round and no consideration for the dignity of the woman IMO.

yorkshapudding · 09/08/2015 20:02

While I admit part of me would have loved to have had DH with me (after a 3 day labour I was exhausted and needed all the help I could get) I still wouldn't support this policy. I have no doubt it would be used to lower (already inadequate in many cases) staffing levels on postnatal wards as there would be an expectation that your partner looks after you. I would be OK because DH would indeed look after me but what about women whose partners are abusive, uncaring or just plain clueless? My Aunt is a senior midwife on a postnatal unit and some of the stories she has to tell about the awful 'partners' of her patients would make your skin crawl.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 09/08/2015 21:06

There was a thread about this recently.
with some reports of horrific experiences, i might add.

having men on a maternity ward sounds utterly dickensian to me.
they have the run of the rest of the fucking world already. can women get no peace anywhere?
there were some truly dreadful reports of men in wards spying on other women as these women tried to breastfeed.
men in wards screaming at other women to "shut the fuck up" when these women were in labour.
i can only presume this is some sort of cost-saving ruse by the tories.

themadwoman · 09/08/2015 21:17

Sounds to me like people have a problem with loving fathers seeing their children. They are not just the property of their mothers ya know

HedgehogAtHome · 09/08/2015 21:20

'Sounds to me like people have a problem with loving fathers seeing their children.'

Yeah, my husband is such a cunt, loving his children. Nothing to do with the fact that to other women he's just some bloke they've never seen before in a room with them and their newborns when they're feeling very vulnerable.

So glad you came in and cleared that up for us themadwoman, other posters negative experiences of people who are not patients on a ward were just clouding the real issue.

Welshmaenad · 09/08/2015 21:22

Nonsense, madwoman. Loving fathers have every opportunity to be living and supportive when mum and baby are discharged home.

I just asked DH if he'd have liked to stay in with me when our children were born. He said that whilst it would have been nice to be able to support me, "it would be awful for the other women, wouldn't it, that don't know me from Adam". He's a very loving dad, he's just got a modicum of common sense.

themadwoman · 09/08/2015 21:22

Anecdotes and a few rare cases. It's not like it's happening all the time

HedgehogAtHome · 09/08/2015 21:23

'Anecdotes and a few rare cases.'

Where as your statement was clearly well researched and peer reviewed. Natch.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 09/08/2015 21:24

themadwoman...........

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/08/2015 21:25

What isn't happening all the time? Abuse? Over stretched NHS? Cutting corners? Everything mentioned here happens all the time, someone has to stand up to it at some point. You really are a mad woman Hmm.

ApocalypseThen · 09/08/2015 21:27

Anecdotes and a few rare cases. It's not like it's happening all the time

Yes. Most people are decent, the others have restricted opportunities.

That it ever happens is grotesque and it's appalling of you to minimise it.

Welshmaenad · 09/08/2015 21:28

I've got 2 children. On each stay on postnatal there was at least one visiting dad who was a complete cunt. Now, you could argue that I was monumentally unlucky, but I think it's more likely that a significant proportion of visiting dads actually are cunts.

themadwoman · 09/08/2015 21:29

That isn't nice. Don't see why loving dads can't see their children and get that bond with them

Welshmaenad · 09/08/2015 21:31

They can see them in daytime visiting hours. They can bond when they get home.

I don't see why the wants of some women trump my ability to feel safe.

Hellionandfriends · 09/08/2015 21:35

I think it's very easy to blame the mother for the way she's turned out when in fact both her parents are responsible.

I wonder what her story is? Her version?

Your partner needs to tell/show her he loves her whilst having clear fair firm calm boundaries

Hellionandfriends · 09/08/2015 21:36

Wrong thread sorry

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