Page 11 | To ask you honestly would you have had children again?

Behonestplease · 2015-08-08T09:59:15+00:00

If you could live your life over, would you have more children, less children, no children?

mychildrenarebarmy · 09/08/2015 11:40

I have two, DD 12 and DS 8. I'd have had more but don't want to have more now IYSWIM. I adore the two I have and I wouldn't change the life we have right now. At the same time I do feel pangs of jealousy as several of my friends have 4/5/6 children.

BertieBotts · 09/08/2015 11:53

I always feel indescribably envious of the people who say yes absolutely.

It makes me wonder what is different. Are their children easier, are they charming company at all times? Are they better at being parents? Do they have money? Is their lifestyle easier than mine? Is it just that they did it when they were actually ready rather than (in a haze of teenage optimism) when they thought that they might be ready?

Are they less perfectionist? Did they have lower expectations? Are they less reactionary? Have they ever done or said something to their children that they immediately regretted and felt sick?

All rhetorical of course but I feel like sometimes if I understood why I don't enjoy this as much as I think I should I wouldn't feel so soul-crushingly guilty about that.

MTWTFSS · 09/08/2015 12:00

No change. Although I would like to swap the potential time machine for a cloning machine, as that way I could clone myself so we could take it in turns to look after the children while the other one has a rest

MTWTFSS · 09/08/2015 12:00

*hypothetical time machine

Christinayanglah · 09/08/2015 12:04

Bertie

Don't feel bad, I really struggled the first couple of years as at 34 I had been used to only living for myself

He is now 10 and an only child so perhaps I have rose tinted glasses on, neither have I had to struggle financially or work full time, if I had my response t this thread may have been very different

AltoPalo · 09/08/2015 12:05

Bertie. I said "yes" earlier in the thread. To answer your questions:

My children are certainly not always charming but then not are many people I know.

I doubt I'm better at being a parent. Often I think I'm lousy. But it's a fascinating challenge.

I have a good amount of money and as I said in my earlier post I think that makes a huge difference to the experience of parenting. It makes for an easy lifestyle (I have live in help).

I waited 'til my thirties and I was ready. I'd partied, travelled and worked hard for many years before.

I am a perfectionist but I try not to be as I recognise that's an impossible parenting my dream.

I often regret what so say to my kids but I try and concentrate on the times I get it right.

JohnCusacksWife · 09/08/2015 12:06

We have 2 DCs and if I had my time again I'd have loved to have had another. Three would have been lovely x

MaryMagdelene · 09/08/2015 12:06

I have 3 and if I was to do it again I'd like to have 4. I just always saw myself with 4 kids and I feel there's something (or someone) missing. I'm done now though. I couldn't face going through the whole baby stage again

Christinayanglah · 09/08/2015 12:07

Oh and Bertie I have went to bed on many occasions and thought what a complet and utter arse of a mother I am

drudgetrudy · 09/08/2015 12:18

I don't regret having my children at all and I would have the same number of children at the ages I had them if I had my life to live over again.
That doesn't mean I am great at being a parent or that everything has always been easy. I have made mistakes and said things that I regret but I don't regret having them.
I regret some of my own behaviour Bertie-but that isn't the same as regretting having the kids-I have had so much pleasure from them too.

I have 2 children-I know my own limits and capabilities and that I wouldn't have been suited to having a large family-I haven't got the highest energy levels in the world!

The above argument about kids with disabilities is confusing to me. Why would anyone want their child to have a disability that would make life harder for them? That doesn't mean they want a "perfect" child and are rejecting the child they have.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/08/2015 12:23

Bertie

to answer some of your questions:

I have said things to them that I still feel bad about
I feel like a shit parent most of the time

(although they have this idea that I'm the best mum in the world

so either I'm not that bad or they are fools

)

they are nowhere near perfect or easy and yes, most of the time they drive me nuts!

(kids if you ever read this I love you all lots, but please stop fucking fighting and whingeing ok?)

by our 1st wedding anniversary I was pg with DS1, so although it would have been nice to spend more time just as a married couple, if we had waited we probably wouldn't have had 7 and I just can't imagine what it would be like without my youngest 3 (but of course I wouldn't have had that problem)

so that's ok

money this is a big part, we can afford to have them
we did plan to have them all, so no 'accidents' and never resented being pg etc

forgot the other questions but hope these answers help
I'd never ever opt for anything else but yes, I'd have them

NotEnoughTime · 09/08/2015 12:24

Yes-they are the best thing that has ever happened to me

However, the downside for me is the worry. Iam so grateful for them but I spend so much time worrying if they are happy, safe and if Iam a good enough parent for them.

I also worry about the world that they will be growing up in, whether they will be healthy, whether they will be able to afford a home of their own when they are older etc etc.

Maryz · 09/08/2015 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/08/2015 12:27

ok, I read back so here are more answers:

I don't know about easier lifestyle as I have no idea what's on your plate

I am a recovering perfectionis, my expectations ebb and flow

I overreact. a lot. I have no patience and a bad temper

toomuchtooold · 09/08/2015 12:30

Mine are 3 and a bit, twins, and I wouldn't be without them. Had you asked me this question at any point up till now though... I'd have said yes but only out of loyalty to the kids

Supervet · 09/08/2015 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 09/08/2015 12:38

I really don't think I should have had a child, I never wanted children, made it absolutely clear to my DH before we got married that I didn't want children and he agreed ......... for various reasons he changed his mind late in life and suggested we had a baby. Of course in hindsight I should have said 'no' but I naively thought it was too late (I was in my 40s) and just went along with his idea - we did have a baby, fortunately DH is a wonderful 'hands on' father and thoroughly loves spending time with our DS - now a teenager. But for me it just wasn't 'right' - I don't have that overwhelming feeling that 'being a mum is the best thing that ever happened to me'.

It is hard to articulate exactly why - it's not financial or giving up my career or social life - just that I don't find any fulfilment in being a parent. There's so many other ways in which I want to spend my time (and I don't mean partying or that sort of thing) - I just find the restraint of having to be 'around' most of the time, not being able to be spontaneous and the sheer responsibility of trying to bring up a young person to be a decent member of society can be totally over whelming at times.

I feel envious of other mothers who clearly enjoy their children so much more than I do, my closest friend is a real earth mother and I wish I had her sheer joy of spending time with her (now grown up children) instead of counting the days until my DC is old enough to leave home. .

SilverNightFairy · 09/08/2015 12:39

Fuck me, I would do anything to make my son's ASD disappear. He is the most amazing, intelligent young man. I don't give a fuck about myself but for my son I wish he did not have to struggle at school, deal with dickhead bullies ( which he did with a grace, I will never have) I wish he didn't feel compelled to ask me " Mum, what is wrong in my brain?" I love him with all my heart but yes, I wish he did not have to live with ASD. So fuck off with your comments.

MissShunImpossible · 09/08/2015 12:55

This is such an interesting thread. My heart goes out to those PPs watching their DC deal with a world that is so impatient with their needs. I wish it weren't so Rather than arguing about whether people "should" think one way or another about their DC, it would be better if we all tried to make society a more caring, patient place, where everyone could live.

That aside, we have been so lucky with our DDs. I think it is luck - some people have the luck of supportive parents, some not... I don't think it's a given that anyone will either enjoy bringing up children or particularly get on with their children.

Having said that, I am finding it much easier once they hit 7+. The baby/toddler years were hard. I can see the good bits in retrospect, but there's a lot of graft and so little sleep or time for yourself. Again, I would never blame anyone for being miserable about that. We were often a long way from parents or any other relatives when the girls were small, and no time off is a bugger.

insanityscatching · 09/08/2015 13:00

Two of my five have autism and a third is undergoing diagnosis. I love them all unconditionally.I would though,in a heartbeat,have them all again without the autism. I see, and they do too, how much easier their siblings' lives are and I'd want that for them. Not because my life would be easier because, if truth be told, it's pretty easy anyway 18 years after first diagnosis but because I'd want them to live their lives without the limitations that autism forces upon them and I'd like to go to my grave reassured that they would be ok without me overseeing their lives.
It's nothing to do with me seeing them as somehow inferior it's about wanting more for them.

GoblinLittleOwl · 09/08/2015 13:03

Yes I would, but not with the same husband.
Having my children has been the best thing in my life, and I have had plenty of good things happen as well as bad.

Atomik · 09/08/2015 13:04

Bertie

It makes me wonder what is different. Are their children easier
Yes, he got all our recessive genes. Bascially he is a male clone of my sister. it was irritating having such a good sibling. However, in my own child I feel like we lucked out that he is just like her.

are they charming company at all times?
No. I have been known to flee from Minecraft/Basketball monologues. But mostly he is lovely to be around.

Are they better at being parents
No. We can't take credit for the bulk of who DS is, genetic lottery gets that kudo. I think we would have struggled mightily with even a slightly more tricky child.

Do they have money?
Very ordinary income.

Is their lifestyle easier than mine?
dunno. Both freelancers, so it's not stress free.

Is it just that they did it when they were actually ready rather than (in a haze of teenage optimism) when they thought that they might be ready?
DS is a Chianti-Baby. His conception caused justified panic rather than a sense of being ready.

Also, had I been asked this question between 0-4, when he was an insomniac bundle of dependence, which was the hardest stage for me by a mile and then some... for all his easiness I can't be sure I would have answerd as I did.

Plus, he is only 15. Pleanty of time for Kevin-With-Knobs-On to decend and change the landscape. Won't even be able to say we are put of the woods and safe when he is an adult. My father broke his parents' hearts when he was 42. Before that they were so proud of him and found having him a delight.

Maybe many of us have to wait until our last days to really know the answer to "if I had my time again, would I have chosen the same?"

iluvshoes · 09/08/2015 13:10

Id would have loved another one. A bit to old now but it would have been lovely.

Ivegottoknow · 09/08/2015 13:12

I loved being a parent in the early years and I threw myself into it. When their sn became apparent and exh left, it all became too hard. I get very little out of it these days,

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2015 13:13

I have a friend with autism on FB. She wouldn't want to be "not autistic" despite the problems it's caused her in life, because then she wouldn't be "her" - so I see what Reputable is saying, but I also see what the others who would rather their children didn't have the struggles they do because of their ASD are saying too.

I don't think either side is wrong, or right - it's just how each of you feels.