7 year old independence

[Loric]

My 7 year turns 8 in September. We're going on holiday to a caravan the week before. I've brought him a £20 mobile phone so when we go he can be free range on the caravan site but I can still get hold of him. I've always been extremely strict with him but I feel like he's old enough and mature enough to have some freedom. I mentioned the phone to a friend and explained why I got and she started a 2 hour tirade about how he's to young to own a phone. It's not a smart phone but 10 years ago it would of been an all singing all dancing phone. Now its laughable it's a samsung clamshell phone that I suppose can access the Internet but it's that old school hyperlinks in blue that takes 10 mins per page to load. She's really knocked my confidence on the whole thing. We're away till the 5th of September he starts the local junior school on the 8th which is a whole new picking up routine where we meet them at the gate rather from individual classes so I feel like he should start having some independence. Aibu to let my son have the phone e both on holiday and on days at school (turned off and hidden till he leaves school grounds) where people other then me are picking him up?

I'm quite laid back about kids being independent and playing out alone but I wouldn't let my 8 year old DD to do what you're describing unless I really could see her at all times and only if she was with other kids.

We've just been camping on a small camp site and the kids in our group (all age 5-8, about 7 of them) had free reign. They cycled and scooted around the site and played in the park. It was fab.

My DD went to the shop with some other DC of a similar age last week for the first time. She knows about road safety and I reminded her before she went and then followed and watched. They didn't even look before crossing the road to come home so she won't be doing that again for a long time

It's interesting how diverse opinions on when it comes to giving kids their 'freedom'. A FB newspaper comment section on the tragic death of Conley Thompson, erupted into a slanging match, with parents being accused of wrapping their kids in cotton wool or being smart arses if they imposed any restrictions on their kids, whatever their age.

The comments below are those of a mother and relate to her 6 year old son. Whatever your opinion on giving kids independence, this attitude is scary, and I wonder will he reach adulthood in one piece?!

Omg this family have lost there son, and everyone is just blaming everyone, when I was 9 I use to walk myself to school which was 2miles away, crossing busy roads etc, and I was perfectly safe, I use to play at friends houses which where further away or even go to the park on me own, this family are going through pain you can't imagine because of a lapse of judgement and this is how you go about it

Oh lol, there is some rather negative comments, and I've had to go out searching for my son before, because boys will be boys but I didn't phone police because he is alittle late, this was a accident,

My son always plays out and with me having a youngen I can't always go out with him and I can't keep him trapped inside either, I known his mates to try and egg him on to go where they know he ain't allowed, because that's what kids do, I've had the police bring him back because he ran away from home and was caught running down the a449 I didn't even no he weren't in the house no more as 10mins before I put him in his room and I thought he just put his Xbox on as he was being naughty but no he climbed out my kitchen window, and I was so scared because that road is a 60mph road and that's with me thinking he was upstairs

since he done that runner, he knows my address, he knows if he gets lost he is to go into a shop or to a policeman and tell them he is lost, he knows not to talk to strangers or to go off with them just because they said they will bring them home, he also gotta tell me when he is going into a friends house and which friend

Wow, that is scary. I think the worrying thing is that at six, the seemingly complete lack of discipline. Heaven knows what he will be like as a teenager!

Elliot that is shocking and apoealling. Her 6 year old ds has been picked up by Police several times, I am surprised that this has not been passed to SS and flagged up as serious concerns. Downright neglectful parenting.

People get terribly worked up about phones, OP. Don't worry about it. It is just the modern equivalent of 10p for the pay phone, as a sensible poster said. Make sure he wears shorts with zip/button pockets, 'tis all.

I'd be wary of the beach at 7/8 though. I had a pretty Enid Blyton-esq childhood in a seaside village, I was an excellent swimmer, but even I didn't go to the beach without an adult until I was in secondary school. Can you be 100% sure that he wouldn't enter the water if a couple of other boys encouraged it? As a couple of pps said, a phone is useless in the worst case scenario there.

I'm confused about the age thing. If he's currently 7, but turns 8 this holiday, he'll be in-between Yrs 3 and 4 (unless you're in Scotland). So how come he's only just transferring from Infants to Juniors?

Elliot
Really?
I'm shocked.

Shocked, that someone would think that okay. (obviously)

I think a cheap 'phone is quite a good idea tbh, though when he's in school, do check their policy (at our school, they must put the 'phone in a safe box in class during the day; at some, it is the school office). I plan to do the same with ds (8) soon (more, if I'm completely honest, for my peace of mind than his), as I've been slowly giving him more and more freedoms over the last year, building up to going to the shop on his own now we've been working on his road crossing skills loads.

My question would be, actually, given that you say you've been very strict up until now, are you sure it's a good idea to suddenly give him all this extra freedom? As insanityscatching says, perhaps let him play around the caravan park by himself and build up to the beach slowly? Though obviously you know him best!

carriebrody does that mean where he can see the house or where you can see him iyswim? there are kids in our street about to start reception that play out. my ds has been playing out since 5/6.

He's only allowed in front of our house and the neighbours on each side, so if I stand in the door I can see him.

I think that's perfectly reasonable then. There are lots of 4+ year olds that do that here.

carried do you occassionally keep an eye out to see if he has not wandered off and followed other kids that might be off somewhere else.

Does he know what to do, if other kids ask him, to go to the park, shop with them, will you be confident that he will say no.

OK, scrap my last - just seen he turns 8 at the beginning of September.

Why can't you go to the beach with him? I think he's way too young to go by himself. What are you so busy doing that you can't go with him?

My 9 year old was playing on the playground equipment in a very busy London park while I was watching his younger sister's tennis lesson. I looked up to see him following an older boy into the bushes at the edge of the park. He was probably 13-14. I got my son away from there by "hollering" and told him off for following a total stranger into the bushes.

My point is that kids don't always have a great deal of sense and I thought he was playing in safe place about 50m away from me. And he was 9 not 7.

Yes, Goshthatsspicy, really. I removed the boy's name from her statements, but otherwise they are word for word, and 100% genuine.

Aeroflotgirl, your point about following other kids jogged a few memories.

Other posters have already given examples of what can happen, but here are a few more.

My friend's 7 year old, Josh, was playing in his street with a school friend. It looked like rain, so the boy asked Josh to go with him to get a coat. The boy lived a good 15 minute walk away, and Josh knew he shouldn't go. However, the boy insisted that if he went alone he wouldn't come back to play with Josh. So, off they went, but when the boy got home he decided he couldn't be bothered to walk back down to where Josh lived, and it was getting dark too. Josh walked back home alone, thankfully unharmed.

Kids playing in a river on a summer's day. The adults say, 'don't fuss, kids have always played in that river. We played in that river, never did us any harm'. One girl gets into problems, her best friend can't just leave her there, so tries to save her. The result 2 girls drowned.

Finally, a group of kids always took a shortcut to school, across the railtrack. When warned of the danger they said, 'we all do it', 'my dad does it to get to work' etc. Kev said it too. He continued to say it until he was 14, when he met the front end of the express train. The parents couldn't view Kev, but the hearse drove past the school gates on the day of his funeral.

Children don't always see the dangers, some adults don't even see the dangers.

It's not just the fabled 'man in a mac' that's a danger, Myra Hindley smashed that myth.

There are so many different dangers, and while you can teach kids some basics, when they're having fun they will easily forget.

Can you wrap them in cotton wool, no. But you can look out for them until they are really capable of looking out for themselves.

exactly Elliott, I hope carried does keep an eye on her ds, as those scenarios could easily happen, he could go off with one of the friends, it's not difficult to pursuade a 5 year old, or he could get bored and wonder off which is what happened to poor Conley Thompson, he is older. Yiu think your child is aware of the dangers and that they can handle different situations but how wrong, as other Mumsnetters and their experiences have demonstrated.

However, different children reach this at different times.

For example,

At 8 my daughter was allowed out to the park. Our rule was she could talk to people, but must always check with me before she goes anywhere. Once, whilst playing at the park, she saw another girl from her class whose mum asked her to go back and play at their house. DD replied she wasn't allowed anywhere without checking, borrowed a mobile phone and phoned me to ask. I said yes, and she happily went to the friends' house.

Another time, she was playing at the park and the friends she was with went to an area that was out of bounds. So DD came home and I gave her a treat for making the right decision.

I have hundreds of other examples like this. Another mum has even stopped me to say that she has seen DD playing at the park and has been impressed that DD was quite forthright with other children by saying "I'm not allowed to play there" or "I need to check with my mum first".

But, we give her a significant amount of freedom on the understanding that if she breaks it, she loses it. Full stop. Whilst I allow a lot of freedom, and am laid back in many ways, I am very strict about them breaking rules. So given her personality + her fear of losing her freedom, we've never had s problem with her breaking rules - even when other children have. This has been reported back to my by other mums at the school gates, as well as by my daughter herself.

But then, we spent a long time building up to it and preparing her for her freedom, so by the time she was allowed to go to the park, she was well prepared for dealing with it. I also spoke to my social worker friend, who gave us lots of different ideas about keeping her safe.

The point I'm trying to make is that for as many examples as you can give of children going astray and not obeying the rules, there are just as many examples of children who are sensible and do follow the rules, and those who can handle the responsibility at an earlier age.

I also think every child and every situation is different. For example, where I live, lots of children still play out - so there are a lot of mums constantly popping over the park to check the children are okay, and as the overwhelming majority of children go to the village school - most children know each other, and most parents know the children too. So if I were to see something untoward, I would say something to the child / parent as relevant. It works where I live, but when I lived in a large town, I would never have given my children the amount of freedom they have here, because the situation was different.

I think it is very difficult to stand in judgement of other mums over the Internet, because we judge on the basis of our own situations, and no one ever really knows what another person's situation really is.

I do agree kitella, however 5 is still very little, compared to 8, whilst your dd would do that at 8, as she is older and has the sills, at 5 she might not. At 5 I used to play in my front garden, we lived on a quiet cul de sac, mum woukd pop her head round at occasions to check. we live on a busy main main road with cars occasionally doing ridiculous speeds, and a small front garden so you don't find kids playing on tge street where we are.

No, at 5 I did not allow either of my daughters to play out.

At 6, I started letting her play on our communal driveway. A big space (5 houses share this driveway) but she was not allowed onto the pavement. We gradually moved on from there as she matured and was ready for a greater area to roam. But we live on a no through estate, made up of two roads, and no more than 200 houses. My house is right in the middle of two speed bumps (and wavy road) so it is impossible to drive faster than 15mph. It makes all the difference.

Elliot oh, l believed you. I was worried my post looked like l might not.

No worries, Gosh.

To be honest when I read the mother's FB comments I went over them a few times myself, because I could hardly believe what I was reading. Scary.

elliot I am surprised if Police gave not alerted SS and she is on their radar. Or somebody from Facebook might have.