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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH. Drink driving. Facebook. This one has it all!

606 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 07/08/2015 11:04

Im fucking LIVID with DH.

He went out for a meal last night. Came home at 11pm, and I got hit by the smell of beer straight away.

He said initally he had 4 pints with a big meal over the evening, today he has changed that to 3 pints.

Im literally fucking steaming. Im no goody goody, I drink like a fish, but Id NEVER consider getting behind a wheel.

What makes it worse is that it was a performance car he was driving, and he depends on his license for his job.

So, as well as possibly killing himself and others, he also risked his job, his home, everything. He had to come home rurally too, and the chances of hitting a deer or another animal at that time was increased. Not to mention teenagers hanging around during summer holidays.

Can you tell Im mad?

Anyway, I just let rip, publically, on facebook. He still doesnt think he has done much wrong and that Im over reacting. So Ive blasted him publically. I hope his boss reads it and I hope he is FUCKING MORTIFIED.

Its almost a deal breaker for me.

Anyway, Im wondering whether Ive made myself look like a twat for using facebook to shame him. Should I remove it?

OP posts:
Nonnainglese · 08/08/2015 15:55

You say you drink like a fish so between the pair of you I imagine two of the thre children already consciously or subconsciously register your drinking/aftermath of drinking, poor things.
Along with your game playing sounds pretty depressing to me.

ComposHatComesBack · 08/08/2015 15:56

Well why are yoi shoving all thia stuff into the puvlic domain then op other than to create a drama, you've not asked for advice or support you've just ranted and raved with ever more lurid revelations. I don't understand what you are hopong to achieve.

monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 15:59

No you are right, I shouldnt have to go to these lengths.

But he will do it again.

If this is the end then so be it. But I need space and time and I dont want him near me.

And drinking like a fish is subjective. I have a glass of wine a night. For some thats nothing, for some that makes me an alcoholic. It just depends what opinion you hold.

And my kids are hardly poor things based on DH driving home drunk and me telling him off. As I said, he works 6 days a week 12 hour days so they see him very rarely anyway. Really, they dont need your concern.

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 16:00

Havent asked for advice? Ive asked what I should do, admitted I was wrong, and went to remove the FB post.

Not sure what of that is odd.

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 16:03

So Ive just read the thread back and Ive asked twice what I should do.

I acted upon that by going to remove the post and calling the police for advice.

I suggest you RTFT too before you say I havent asked for advice.

OP posts:
ComposHatComesBack · 08/08/2015 16:36

I have read the thread thanks. Therefore I know it was his boss who deleted the comment and that you didn't call the police until the afternoon after your prat of a husband rolled in drunk.

I also know that you have a similarly lax attitude when it comes to mixing alcohol (regardless if you were under or over the limit) and driving so your vbg display of righteous indignation is hypocritical cant.

monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 16:38

I went to delete the comment but it had gone.

I didnt call the police that night. I asked for advice here. It was suggested I call the police. I did. Thats kind of following advice isnt it.

And I have broken no laws so get over yourself.

OP posts:
spangledboots · 08/08/2015 16:48

Jeez...be mad with your husband, sure, but don't post about it in Facebook for the people you know to read. Can you take it down?

I'm sorry but I'd never do that to a partner even if they had done something absolutely awful.

ComposHatComesBack · 08/08/2015 16:48

So drink driving is okay if you are (just) inside the limit. In fact you have no idea whether you were under or over the limit. What about those fine words upthread about the dangers of drinking and driving?

Hygge · 08/08/2015 16:52

OP I think you've had a massive scare to be honest.

You mention that you didn't support him through cancer treatment for him to kill himself drunk driving, and I'm wondering if that's at the heart of your upset.

You've both been through something out of your control, something many people don't survive, and now you see him wilfully and purposefully drunk driving and risking his own life, other people's lives, and your family security for no good reason.

And he can't seem to grasp why that's a bad thing or why you are upset because nothing actually happened this time.

I think you've had a shock. I don't think putting it on Facebook helped, mainly because if he doesn't get why you are upset, he's not going to care what your Facebook friends think either.

His work friends clearly don't care, and may have done the same thing themselves, so they are going to think badly of you rather than him.

And it might have jeopardised his job, although you say his boss won't care unless he loses his license.

It's not really the best way to deal with a problem in your marriage, making it public to try and shame him.

But I think Facebook and now the looking at flats thing is just your desperation at trying to make a man who doesn't care about what he did listen to you and your feelings on why it was wrong.

I don't know what might help. I grew up with my parents running various pubs, I've seen all sorts of outcomes from drunk driving. The repeat offenders who just won't stop even if they've been caught, the people who park around the corner and think nobody notices they drive after a few pints, the people who have lost their license and in some cases their job, the man who was hit by a drunk driver and left on the road for over an hour before he was found.

Growing up in those pubs is the reason I reason I rarely drink now, and the reason why I am zero tolerance on myself and won't have a drink at all if I need to drive.

Is there anything on-line that you can show him to try and shock him into thinking about this properly? I'm sure I watched a video where people who drink drive were invited to their own 'funerals' and got to watch their friends and family 'grieve' for them and listen to them give eulogies to try and shock them out of their destructive behaviour, if you can find something like that, would that help?

I'd also ask him to consider looking for another job, because if the problems have only arisen since he started working for that company, it sounds like it's not a good place for him to be.

WayneRooneysHair · 08/08/2015 16:59

I ask again OP, why the massive drip feed? Why didn't you say that it wasn't the first time your husband had been drink driving? If you had done then the responses would have been different. I think that you're enjoying this TBH and you're adding fuel to the fire by making him look at flats and working out maintenance.

monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 17:00

drinking the amount i did over approx 5 hours with a large dinner is fine. i was nowhere near the limit.

driving after 4 pints, in the dark, slurring his words is not.

OP posts:
MrsBigginsPieShop · 08/08/2015 17:29

The thread title, Facebook post, threats of flat viewing and writing contact agreements just reeks of attention seeking. Your DH could have done anything that upset you and you would have reacted like this.
You are clearly checking MN and FB for replies to your posts very frequently. Not the behaviour of someone desperate about their marriage ending imminently.
The whole anti drink driving thing is a red herring, given that you have admitted you drink then you drive yourself.
It all looks a bit silly OP. Why not take your kids out in the sun rather than perpetuate this yarn?

paddymcgintysmum · 08/08/2015 17:33

I wonder what would have been the reaction of OP's, and others here if a sober OH had sent her a text whilst driving home?

bigbumtheory · 08/08/2015 17:44

Op if he does it again will you end the relationship? It would be a dealbreaker for me too but I know many a person who threaten and don't follow through. Knowing he effectively will be chosing drink driving or your relationship...do you have confidence in him?

I hope he does stop it for you and everyone else he could hurt.

MQv2 · 08/08/2015 17:46

Jesus
Do him a favour and leave him

The hypocrisy is staggering

ComposHatComesBack · 08/08/2015 17:52

MrsBiggins I suspect you've hit the nail on the head there.

drinking the amount i did over approx 5 hours with a large dinner is fine.

In your world maybe, certainly not in mine.

I

Icimoi · 08/08/2015 18:09

But OP is quite right, two glasses of wine drunk over 5 hours with food would never put her near the limit.

Jux · 08/08/2015 18:21

Given that he's promised before and broken that promise, I don't blame you for taking the course you have; he doesn't seem to take you very seriously, so you are having to find a way to make him. I hope he pulls his socks up.

monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 18:33

I give up.

Clearly Im a nutter, he is a poor soul who is emotionally abused by his weird wife.

Obviously amongst this my kids are being neglected and have been locked indoors whilst Ive sat glued to my laptop, hoping for some more exciting drama to unfold.

Fuck all to do with the fact I made one bad judgement by writing one sentence on facebook after he drove home steaming drunk.

Im off to lie in a dark room and wonder where the fuck it all went wrong (hypothetical question, you dont need to keep kicking) Confused

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 08/08/2015 18:36

weird wife you said it OP. I find the thread staggeringly......odd. I couldn't live with you, so immature. That's not to say what he did was right, but neither are you.

Hygge · 08/08/2015 18:45

The video I could remember was and it's aimed at people speeding rather than drink driving, but it might still have an effect OP.

Christinayanglah · 08/08/2015 18:53

Grace

I can understand your anger, hurt and frustration however making threats re flats etc isn't going to change anything. What you really need is for him to think it is wrong and for him to decide he won't do it again

I too would be worried about being with someone who was so reckless with lives, his own family included

Flowers
theendoftheendoftheend · 08/08/2015 19:03

Wow OP you have my sympathies, I really think people have been massively unfair. Don't take it to heart its the nature of AIBU Flowers

YeOldeTrout · 08/08/2015 19:07

No sadly he was never caught

Then how does anybody know he was drunk? Confused