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Original poster

DH. Drink driving. Facebook. This one has it all!

606 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 07/08/2015 11:04

Im fucking LIVID with DH.

He went out for a meal last night. Came home at 11pm, and I got hit by the smell of beer straight away.

He said initally he had 4 pints with a big meal over the evening, today he has changed that to 3 pints.

Im literally fucking steaming. Im no goody goody, I drink like a fish, but Id NEVER consider getting behind a wheel.

What makes it worse is that it was a performance car he was driving, and he depends on his license for his job.

So, as well as possibly killing himself and others, he also risked his job, his home, everything. He had to come home rurally too, and the chances of hitting a deer or another animal at that time was increased. Not to mention teenagers hanging around during summer holidays.

Can you tell Im mad?

Anyway, I just let rip, publically, on facebook. He still doesnt think he has done much wrong and that Im over reacting. So Ive blasted him publically. I hope his boss reads it and I hope he is FUCKING MORTIFIED.

Its almost a deal breaker for me.

Anyway, Im wondering whether Ive made myself look like a twat for using facebook to shame him. Should I remove it?

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 11:56

I havent since Ive had kids bubbles.

And my taste buds have developed somewhat, I like nicer wine now Grin

OP posts:
AngieBolen · 08/08/2015 12:10

If I made my DH view flats, he'd probably decide he liked one and pay the deposit.

Be careful how far you push him OP....I know you're really angry and he's not remorseful but if you keep pushing this he may well merrily move out.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/08/2015 12:17

2 glasses (350ml) of 6% wine isn't the same as 3-4 pints (1500-2000ml) of 5% beer. The effect on you will be entirely different, and anyone who is trying to say they are the same is being thick to be honest.
Grace I would follow through on your plans too. Let him think about what life will be like if he does it again.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 08/08/2015 12:26

I don't think many men will "merrily" move out away from their wife and children Confused Most men like their kids at least and see splitting up as a fairly big deal.

There are some odd people on this thread monkey! I hope you are OK.

RJnomore · 08/08/2015 12:28

Grace I don't feel in the least but sorry for him. I'm actually outraged at the amount of people on this thread who have done nothing but minimise his actions and try to make out you are the one in the wrong. It's really really disappointing.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2015 12:29

Anyway, Im going to make him view the flats

No you're not. He's an adult and you can't make him do anything.

If you don't want to end your marriage, then what's with all the 'booking viewings for him' and calculating CSA etc?

Sorry but you're sounding steadily more and more...I don't even know what the word is?

Unstable? - Too harsh

Peculiar? - That's the nearest I can get to the word that escapes me.

But if you don't want to end your marriage then you're playing a silly game.

StrattersDairyProductPervert · 08/08/2015 12:30

100% with RJ, I abhor drink driving, and I think grace is right to do whatever it takes to ram the message home that he has behaved appallingly.

She's not talking about some naughty little kid, she's trying to get the message home to her DH that driving whilst over the limit is completely and utterly unacceptable. I'd do pretty much anything to stop a drink driver; I've reported a family friend who arrived at our house half cut, then drove home. Caused a huge family row, but you know what, I didn't care because it was infinitely more important that she was stopped.

Those of you criticising her, and saying she's turned it into a huge drama. Just be grateful that he didn't hit someone you love.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 08/08/2015 12:34

I agree that this has gone a bit far now

DH and I rent out flats - I'd be annoyed at people arranging viewings when they had no intention of taking the place. I don't think it's fair to inconvenience other people like this.

I think counselling may be the way forward here - the thing that strikes me is that you need to be able to communicate better without involving third parties.

AngieBolen · 08/08/2015 12:35

I agree with WorraLiberty

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2015 12:39

He has now said that he isnt very good at admitting when he has been an idiot but he knows it was stupid and will never touch a drop and drive again.

That ^^ is all he can do at this point. He can't do any more. He can't prove it to you overnight, he can only prove it to you over time.

You've chosen not to speak a word to him, or to do any cooking/washing etc. He's chosen to sleep on the sofa.

A horrible atmosphere for the kids, but that's life and they'll get over it once this blows over.

But playing games with flat viewings etc, is just going to drag this whole thing out.

Put it to bed now and move on. You can only take him at his word, you can't control him into keeping it. Only time will tell whether he'll keep his word or not.

AyeAmarok · 08/08/2015 12:42

People on this thread who are suggesting that the OP is the one in the wrong here need to get their fucking head examined.

It is NEVER okay to drink drive. It is a matter of PURE LUCK that a vulnerable road user did not cross his path on the journey home and be killed by him, in all his stupid drink-driving entitled glory. Ruining his life, the OP, his kids (who'd have to live with the shame) and most importantly the innocent person he killed and their entire extended family and friends.

OP Flowers you are doing the right thing now. He needs to appreciate the seriousness of what he has done, and got away with by sheer chance.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 08/08/2015 12:47

I absolutely agree with worra. It's as though you are now punishing him for further acts that you think he'll carry. Even though he's said he won't. He's guilty until proved innocent.

Plus - we all make mistakes. Apart from on here, I've never met anyone in real life who lives their lives and expects others to in such absolutist terms. Most people accept that their partners and friends are only human and will make mistakes. He said he won't do it again and you've said (on here - albeit not to him) that you are currently willing to accept this and it's therefore not a deal breaker. So move on. I also think your DC must be picking up on horrible tension in the house - it would be better to model that you've had an argument (fine - everyone does) and resolved it like two adults rather than them growing up thinking cold shouldering etc is the way to deal with things like this

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 08/08/2015 12:51

We don't even know that he was drink driving.

What we know is that had a drink and then drove - that is not against the law if he was under the limit.

Loads of people on here saying they would never touch a drop and then drive. That's fine. But that's not what the law requires in England.

We'll never know if he was over the limit now anyway but the OP has made her point and runs the risk of her DH responding by saying that it's up to him to judge if he was over the limit or not. Just as she felt she was under the limit after having two glasses of wine - presumably why she drove.

daisydukes229 · 08/08/2015 12:58

1 - nobody knows if he was actually over the limit. He had a couple of drinks and then drove, that doesn't automatically mean he broke the law.
2- OP has admitted she has done the same. Had a few drinks then drove. Again, doesn't automatically mean the law was broken.
What is does mean is that they are both as bad as each other.

I certainly wouldn't be posting things like that on fb or playing silly games (no the marriage isn't over, actually I'm ignoring him and refusing to do anything with him, I'm making lists and working out CSA and arranging flat viewings)

If you are wanting to work through the marriage you need to draw a line under it and stop playing silly games. Because otherwise there won't be a marriage left to work on

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/08/2015 12:59

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling him that you want him to consider what the break up of your marriage would mean - show him the costs of CSA, rental etc., - but I do think that booking flat viewings might be a step too far. By all means show him details of the flats that are available in the area - that's what Rightmove.com is for! - but actual bookings, no.

I also think that you need to hammer the point home - really he needs to realise how far he's pushed your trust and willingness to stay with him - but you don't want to push it so far that he starts to get resentful and frustrated, and tell you that you're sulking. A fine line to tread!

Kewcumber · 08/08/2015 13:02

*We don't even know that he was drink driving.

What we know is that had a drink and then drove - that is not against the law if he was under the limit.*

You're not serious?! You think there's one iota of doubt that after 4 pints (which he has I know see admitted to) he wouldn't be over the limit at 11pm?

A rough rule of thumb is that 2 pints would put most people over the limit. In one evening I don't think there's much doubt that 4 pints would put anyone over the limit.

WayneRooneysHair · 08/08/2015 13:04

OP you are behaving like a child now, you said that he's never done this before so why are you so sure that he'll do the same thing given half the chance? If I was DH I'd call your bluff and move out, especially after you went nuclear.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/08/2015 13:04

PLus the OP has said he stank of alcohol and wasn't able to speak clearly - that doesn't suggest he was sober.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 08/08/2015 13:09

He said he had 3 pints and didn't finish the last one.

When did he start drinking? What did he have to eat?

My point is, we don't know any of this. Neither does the OP really. As I also said, he might have been over the limit, he might not have been.

So all this absolutist guff basically of people saying they never drink a drop and then drive isn't actually relevant and just seems to be winding the OP up even further.

Meanwhile, instead of trying to speak rationally (and you can still be very firm and make your point) to him, she's booking flat viewings and giving him the cold shoulder.

What's the point if she's decided it's not a deal breaker?

Kewcumber · 08/08/2015 13:11

If my partner came home having obviously having driven drunk I would also be incandescent, I'm amazed how many of you wouldn't - perhaps its never happened to you.

I have had a partner who was stopped (and prosecuted) for drink driving. Frankly scary though it was, it was better than him being arrested to killing someone whilst driving drunk. In his case the prosecution did knock his drink driving on the head (though sadly not the drinking), mostly because he was afraid of losing his licence again.

The problem with many people who drive whilst a bit the worse for wear rather than rat arsed drunk is that they think they were in complete control, they felt fine - all studies show otherwise.

Those saying "what does it matter - nothing happened" don't seem to understand that it's the fact that nothing happened that encourages drink drivers to keep doing it. And nothing does happen, until something does happen and then it's too late.

OP knows her DH - whether she's being over the top in her approach I'll leave up to her to assess.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 08/08/2015 13:13

And also, more practically, what if the DH thinks the OP is being serious and signs a 6 month lease on a flat. Then she says she wasn't, actually, and they're stuck paying the rent Confused

Kewcumber · 08/08/2015 13:15

Unless he's the size of Hagrid and ate an enormous banquet 3.5 pints would take him over the limit.

What the obsession with trying to prove hi might not have been over the limit? Confused

The majority of people would be over the limit after 2 pints.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2015 13:16

I think more practically he'll likely tell her that if she wants them to live apart, she can go and view the flats herself...

Bubblesinthesummer · 08/08/2015 13:18

And also, more practically, what if the DH thinks the OP is being serious and signs a 6 month lease on a flat. Then she says she wasn't, actually, and they're stuck paying the rent

Well in that case they would both have learnt a lesson. DH for drink driving and OP for threatening something she doesn't want to happening Wink

Kewcumber · 08/08/2015 13:20

Thats the risk she takes Gobbolino - thats up to her. I wouldn't do it but she's entitled to ask that he seriously assesses what his life will be like if he does it again, including a realistic view of where he would be living.

If he decides to move out then they'll have to work that out between them. This load of minimising from so many poster of how he wasn't really drunk and how nothing really happened so whats the big deal is mindblowing. Especially those who are are worried about washing dirty linen in public (I thought I'd strayed back into the 1950's by mistake at that point) but unconcerned it seems about drink driving.

How many of you have lived with a partner who has driven drunk?