DH refuses to have summer baby

[MayAugust]

We started trying for a baby in May. I got pregnant first cycle, then miscarried at six weeks. I didn't get pregnant in either of the two cycles following the miscarriage (I just got my period today).

DH has always said that he doesn't want to have a summer baby because apparently all the kids in his class who were born in the summer didn't do as well academically as those with birthdays earlier in the year. He says there are studies which back this up (I don't know if that's true).

So now he is refusing to try for a baby until January 2016, when the due date would be September onwards.

He keeps saying that he has always been really clear that this is how he feels and that he doesn't want to have a summer baby. This is true. But I think he is being unreasonable. Aside from the fact that his reasoning is completely ridiculous in my opinion, I just don't want to waste all that time given what we've been through so far.

No argument will convince him. I've tried pointing out all the people we know who are born in the summer months and are very successful, or explaining that actually sometimes babies are born several weeks or even months before they are due, or that we might have a child with special needs, or a child that's just not academic whatever month they're born.

Who is being unreasonable?

[TeddyBee]

My summer born has struggled terribly. Not only is she young for her year, she's also really immature for her age. I wish she had been a week overdue then at least she'd have a chance of being at the same level as some of the kids in her class. They're all super nice to her, but she is such a baby compared to them.

[purplewoofer]

I have a May born son and due at the end of next month (not sure if a girl or boy). The May baby was planned, pregnant over the winter and lovely times pushing a baby around in summer. This one was a surprise and really struggling in the heat will not be that keen on wet winter walks. Could also arrive early so end up with an August baby anyway. I am a Christmas baby and that is not great either!

[Hygellig]

I can understand that he might like an autumn baby in principle, but I think you can't really plan a baby's arrival according to a precise schedule. It could be premature, you could move to another country with a different way of organising the school intake...In your position, I would find it very frustrating to have to wait months before TTC again. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and in the end both our children were born at times of the year that I think aren't great for birthdays (winter near Christmas).

Children can be academic or not academic whenever they are born but will be just as loved. You may be able to defer your child if that's right at the time, and plenty of summer-born children do perfectly well.

[melonface]

OP I could have written your post. I miscarried my first pregnancy (April due date) and am now very grateful to be expecting in January. As soon as my miscarriage was 'over' last summer I wanted to try again, DH said no and vetoed a summer baby (even though he is one!) I excitedly thought we'd start trying again in December but he made us wait another month til January 'just in case' it came early. so I can sympathise!

Not sure what advice I can offer, to quote what a dear friend said to me "It's lovely he cares, but it must be a nightmare to live with!" have you spoken to him about your feelings?

[HexBramble]

I'm a teacher - summer born children by virtue of their time spent in a school environment i.e. Months less than their Autumn and Winter borne peers don't show as much gain. But this is only apparent in the a Early Years at school. I want to emphasise - this isn't down to the child's ability. It's down to the time that child has spent in 'the system'. They SOON CATCH UP. FACT.

FWIW, 2 of my DC were and are the youngest in their school year (big age gap between my DC). DC1 is now a GP Trainee. DC3 has achieved the highest score of her year group for the National Tests this year, is already bilingual and is sharp. DC2 is winter born and is remarkable at some things, and pretty unremarkable at others.

We do lots with them at home.

Your DH is only hearing what he wants to hear.

[TimeforaDietCoke]

We sadly lost two pregnancies (due dates were February and June this year) and there is no way I could have waited to try again to avoid a July/August baby. Our DS is due in two weeks so might be born in early September and either way we couldn't care less, we just want him here safely. for you OP.

[ollieplimsoles]

Don't forget that a school.structure doesn't suit every child anyway, I find it strange that someone would actively attempt to avoid having a child over summer in case it affects their academic results at school.

Their are loads of reasons why a child may suffer at school, not just their birthday.

[Psycobabble]

I'm surprised he's not a bit more supportive after you having a miscarriage A happy healthy baby is what matters ! After Having had a mc this year myself I'd just be happy to be pregnant again to be honest

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Very odd. Out of 3 people (just off the top of my head), that I know were born August - two if them are doctors, the other is not 'academic', but has never had an issue in terms if a career either. Really don't believe summer babies have a long term disadvantage, if your child grows up to be less than intelligent, I would blame it in your husband's genes, not their birthday op.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

That's of, not if. Must use my laptop instead of phone to type, pudgy fingers.

[toconclude]

I'm a summer baby (end of June) and I went to Cambridge - from a state school...

[teatowel]

I'm a teacher. The youngest children in a school year are at a disadvantage. They are (obviously!) more immature and often struggle with school life in the early stages. This clearly does not mean they are less intelligent. It just makes life more difficult for them especially boys.I didn't want this for my children so I planned for them to be born in the Autumn term.I managed this with two and a January birthday for the third. Not always possible I know! If OPs husband is a tosser as he has been described then so am I.

[Skiptonlass]

Well the following flaws in his argument spring to mind...

1. Good luck planning it so precisely. Are his sperm on a timer?
   
2. Clearly he doesn't understand how statistics work. The summer disadvantage is a small effect on a population level. Other factors are much stronger in the individual child (some anecdata for him, I'm a summer baby with three degrees including a PhD, all in hard sciences.) the population statistic tells you nothing about the individual.

[SnowBells]

Has he read Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers by any chance?

[cuddybridge]

Move to Scotland, the cut off point for admissions is February 1st so it's winter babies here who are disavantaged

[EugenesAxe]

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage. Listening to both sides I think perhaps you should agree a compromise; stop for a bit this year as your DH wants, then if you are still having problems this time next year you should be able to overrule him.

On the plus side, if you took a break both of you can do more preparation for conception and pregnancy; cut down alcohol, take folic acid and stuff. I dunno what is supposed to make a real difference but you can look it up :) I think average for conception is about six months, so by this time next year you will both know whether you are challenging that, and if things are not happening then maybe your DH will have a change of heart anyway.

I know women that have avoided a summer baby, so I can't have a huge go at him for thinking that way. My case study to buck the trend is my nephew - very late August and really did just get 6a in all subjects end of Y6.

[littlejohnnydory]

I think the issue with Summer borns is more about maturity and emotional readiness for school than academic achievement. It's a non issue in England anyway as it wad confirmed yesterday that parents will have the right to start Summer born children in Reception at Compulsory School Age.

[littlejohnnydory]

//www.summerbornchildren.org

[gobbin]

Suppose he won't mind forgoing the nooky til January then, will he...

[iniquity]

He is not being completely unreasonable. This forum maybe full of boasts about how spectacularly academic their summer born children are or they are in some cases. But overall it could knock a child's confidence. Its not just grades, its things like height,physical and emotional development.
Although I didn't plan to conceive a September baby.. I've decided not to go for an elective c section to avoid a late august baby.

[springalong]

I haven't read the thread but your DH does have a point. In fact just recognised by the govt this week. Due to the overwhelming evidence gathered in this country and others over decades children will now be allowed to start school in reception age 5, not 4. This is how things used to be in this country before vested interests in getting women back to work, and cheap child care was required, took over. I so wish that my lovely DS could have started school and formal learning at age 5. BE GRATEFUL that you are married to someone who really cares about the life his children have. My DS does not have that type of father.

[Scissor]

Just as an aside, as schools ran historically on 3 terms then the classification for which statistical group the children belong to with regards to birth date are only 3... you used to have staggered entry which also will skew the data historically.
So...Winter/Autumn=Sept-Dec, Spring=Jan-April, Summer=May-August.
Statistically data is still collated in these bands so a summer born will be in a 4 month band.
I am a summer born and chose not to have summer born children. No fertility issues and was about the only variable apart from diet that I had any control over!

[Sapat]

I'm a summer baby and I have a PhD.
I have 3 kids, one a July baby and the biggest problem was being heavily pregnant in the summer heat. Fantastic birthday parties in the garden every year though. My first born is November and she is always jealous she can't have a summer party (but I loved not being pregnant at Xmas!)
Swings and roundabouts. Personally I would avoid December & January, but then tbh it doesn't really matter (though my friend hates her 2nd jan birthday, everyone forgets, is skint and detoxing).

[cerealqueen]

I know a man who won't have an autumn baby due to childcare costs - another tosser. Which is worse, slightly.

[Scissor]

There is also a huge anecdotal raft of chat about how many Premier League footballers are autumn born, is apparently well over half, in the U17 category it is 75% in that 4 month window. .was a lot about birthdates over the Olympics

www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/olympics/18891749

Maybe he's wanting to shore up your pensions!!!