About my tomboy dd1?

[turtlepig]

Dd1 is a tomboy. She is 4. she seems to only gravitate towards "boy" type toys and TV programmes. she literally likes nothing that would be traditionally aimed at girls at all. She hates wearing dresses and skirts. Hates the colour pink. If she is playing she would always choose to be the dad or male character.
She said she would like a willy so she could wee standing up!
I am finding this quite hard to deal with. The preference for "boy" TV programmes etc. I have no issue with. It's just the feeling that there is something "more" to it. Wanting to role play as a boy. The complete shunning of skirts and dresses and even leggings. The huge disdain for anything pink.. I don't know if it's possible to have gender dysmorphia at her age or to feel she has been "born in the wrong body" or whatever but if I even ask her about why she won't give her sister a turn at being the "daddy" or ask what's wrong with wearing a skirt or looking pretty she simply refuses to discuss it!
Aibu to feel worried and scared for her? I wish she felt she could open up to me more about it but she obviously doesn't want to. I just want her to have a happy life, she's not very confident at all and I'm worried about her starting reception in September and being so completely different to all the other girls there.

Who says girls should like pink and 'girls' toys anyway? Surely we should be encouraging our children to be who they want to be without forcing them into a gender defined box. I have 2 dd's (15 and 13). DD1 loves dancing, but also loves playing football and boxing. DD2 loves boy bands and wearing make up / getting her nails done but also has loads of boys clothes and likes playing darts.

I guess the issue is why does it matter? It's only an issue if you make it one. It is quite possible that this is nothing more than a phase or that, like me, she will be a lifelong, trouser wearing, football loving tomboy who is most definitely a woman.

If it is more than that, you will presumably support and love her unconditionally. Cross that bridge if you need to...

Another one here who preferred blue to pink,hated dolls loved Lego, short hair as long hair got caught in pe equipment would have worn trousers to school if it was allowed then. Skirts get in the way of running around, cartwheels and handstands, used to have to tuck my skirt in like culottes. Thank god it's not like that any more. I'm totally straight ,love make up and pink now! Let her grow and enjoy her not following the pink perfect princesses route, nowt wrong with it.

I was such a tomboy, hated skirts, dresses, dolls, cooking, baking, anything vaguely female and I still despise pink.

I'm straight, living with dp and do wear dresses now and skirts but will never like pink

I also do all the washing and cooking. .....and the DIY

Boys toys are just more fun, I had cars and trains and dolls bored me

Don't worry, she will just turn out to be awesome in her own way

Having taught many of that age its far from unusual; the kids often want to be the cat / dog / giraffe / elephant or even the opposite gender for a time, just go with it, by far the majority grow out of it, and if they don't, well she's only 4, years before need to be in the least bit worried (I still prefer combats and boots, but then I work with glass / ceramics / plants / mud and dogs, so not exactly dress wearing activities! )

I was going to say this, in bucketloads

*She's 4.

You are projecting a grown up and very current mindset on a little child finding her way in the world*

but see you have begun to think a bit more rationally on P3

It really is your attitude you need to look at, not hers.
My dd1 is 16 and wouldn't wear pink if you paid her. She's FAR happier in her shorts and t-shirts or jeans and hoodies than any other clothes. She's always preferred to do outdoor stuff - camping, climbing etc., and can't bear shopping. But, looking at some of the fake tanned, hair straightened, weirdly eye-browed 16 yr olds I sometimes see on TV, unable to walk in the clompy shoes some 'fashion expert' has told them look good, I'm pretty sure my dd isn't the one I need to worry about

My eldest Niece was like this when she was about 4-7 - it hasn't done her any harm at all - she's 16 now, and healthy, happy and feminine but still not a lover of pink. Her younger sister was the opposite...go figure.

BTW She (niece) was upset when we found a toy she wanted for her birthday was in "boys toys" (I was livid, but assumed it was better to buy the toy than double the misery by stomping out).

I know a girl who was a tomboy, then a few weeks before term ended I asked her how her mum had persuaded her to wear a dress, her mum said she'd suddenly gone all girly. She's 6.

Seriously though, what woman in her right mind wouldn't like to be able to pee standing up? No more hover wees over seats that aren't quite attached or splattered with mystery liquid that you hope is just water. No more trying not to wee on your feet when squatting behind a bush? No more slightly damp knickers after your attempt to shake the last drop off has been less than successful? I'm with her on this one...

^ oh and don't believe the ads, a shewee doesn't make up for it!

Perhaps one child in a thousand has gender dysphoria. Five to seven children in a hundred will grow up to be gay or lesbian. Your daughter is very young, and this is probably a stage. If not liking girly stuff is not a stage, being a butchy lesbian is far easier than being transgender. Just relax, and try to avoid confrontation over every day clothes or activity.

My five yr old ds is similar in that he likes "girly" things and tends to prefer playing with girls and being "mummy", he does occasionally play at being daddy aswell though.
I haven't ever worried about it, I have noticed it but I'm not concerned by it.

Your daughter is only 4, she is who she is. There is nothing to worry about.

She's 4.
I used to want to be a boy and demanded everyone call me kenny at that age.
I'm now 26 and the girliest girly girl EVER

OP - i was that little girl, i spent 14 years as a civil engineer and now own my own chainsaws and spend around half my life in the woods managing wood by sawing and chopping (with one of my several axes). And throughout my adult life, i have still managed to attact the men and have a healthy sex life.

Back off the 'looking pretty' stuff'. Smacks of 'you sit there and look pretty whilst i do business with your husband'. Women have brains too.

My neighbours DD is just like this. Even at nearly 11 wears boys chino shorts and make style type t shirts. She loves football and reading. Always wants short hair.

However it's just how she feels comfort wise and her interests. She actually a few years ago asked for a summer dress for school. Previously she'd only wear trousers.
She also has a lot of friends who are extremely stereotypically girlie and shares interests with them to be able to converse with them.

My advice would be do what your doing, love your Dd for who she is and keep lines of communication open - over everything not just gender. Then if (and it's a big if) there's more in it she'll feel comfortable enough to communicate with you.

Yabvvu to be 'worried & scared'.

You don't need to like pink & dresses to be a woman ffs!

I worry more for the Disney princess obsessed 4yos than the 'tomboy' ones.

You say she has a DSIS. Maybe this is her way of showing that she is a different individual?

You seem to have very set expectations about how she should behave and what she should like. This is really poor parenting. Stop thinking of clothes, tv & toys as 'boys' or 'girls'. That's just a marketing con.

I think you should read Cordelia Fine's 'Delusions of Gender'.

I was the same as a child.

Part of it was because my mother was very invested in how I looked. My hair, pretty/fashionable clothes, don't get them dirty, don't do that you'll ruin your dress...

Even at a very young age I really couldn't care if I were "pretty" or not. I couldn't see why my hair being just so mattered. I just wanted to play with my friends.

I'd look at friends brothers and see there was no fuss about their looks. Jeans and a t-shirt and off out to play, on bikes, skateboards, no silly sitting indoors with dolls.

She's 4. No peer pressure yet. Take advantage of this phase and teach her that it's about her as a person, her own likes and dislikes, and she should never do anything just because some else does or says she should. It'll prepare her well for school and give her the confidence to stand up to other children.

I was like your dd, hated anything remotely considered girly at the time. I remember wishing I could wee standing up too! You would have had to pin me down to get me to wear a dress, I was about 14 before I did. I'm 42 now still don't really have a girly side but I'm happy with a DH and DCs. I don't think you should be worrying about this at her age but I would keep an eye on things as better to know sooner than have a child turn to adult with all the emotional problems etc that gender dysmorphia can bring personal experience with family member .

My DD had a friend whose sister was a 'tomboy' from a very early age.
She wanted her hair cut short from the age of 5, wore trousers and shorts to school from day 1.
She chose to wear boys shoes and all through Primary school never once wore a dress or skirt. She played football with the boys all through school.
The parents went along with it, never bought pink or dolls for the sake of it,(this girl was awsome at Lego!)
This girl has just left school and had her prom. She wore a pale yellow diamond encrusted dress and a ton of makeup
She is a brilliant sportswoman and is going onto further education doing sport,
What I'm trying to say, (in a clumsy long-winded way!!) Is that this girl did her own thing, you can't make them be what they are not,
I don't think you have anything to worry about, let her enjoy her childhood, be it will dolls or trains!

I don't think at this point you need to be worried about gender dysmorphia, that will become apparent as she gets older. However, you are not wrong to be taking her tomboy ness seriously and questioning how it may affect her in school.

In an ideal world everyone is accepted as who they are but it's not always like that in real life. My 9 year old has been a tomboy since she was about 3 and I will be honest, it has been very hard at times. I think she's starting to grow out of it and her interests are changing but having a little girl whose interests are so far from the current mainstream has been a challenge.

She's very clear about who she is but in her early years at school there was a clear division from both the children and parents as to what the girls did and what the boys did. She gravitated towards the boys but was excluded from the boys only parties / play dates / camp arrangements but didn't want to take part in the girls activities - she had no interest in ponies and dollies and making up dances.

As it happens we moved her to another school where they were far more accepting of her and she has thrived. I've gone out of my way to find activities for her to meet like minded girls and she now has a little gang of football playing girlfriends.

Step by step she's becoming more interested in "girl things" she likes craft, hammer beads, vlogging and Claire's accessories.

All along the way we have encouraged her to be who she is and to be confident of herself whilst being aware of social norms. We didn't let her cut her hair short, it's a short bob, she wears girls clothes but on the sports side so lots of sports shorts and trainers, hoodies and trackies so that she's comfortable but not so that she stands out too much.

I think / hope we have got the balance right and she's happy and confident without being labelled like too much of the odd one out.

It may be a short phase your daughter is going through but it may not be and you are absolutely right to question it and how to manage it in such a princess riddled society.

I bet she's fab, my DD is amazing and I'm so proud that she follows her heart rather than trying to fit in with something she's not comfortable with

When I was 4 I was desperate for trousers, it was the only think I asked Santa for one year and when I finally got them I was overjoyed. With 2 DBs I didn't want to be different but my DM loved that I was a girl and dressed me in pretty dresses and pinafores.

Imagine you are writing your OP about your son instead. He is 4, enjoys programs about pirates and spaceships instead of ponies and ballerinas, he won't wear dresses or 'be the mummy' when playing games. He doesn't show any interest in having his hair done nicely etc. It sounds ludicrous doesn't it? Why should you little DD have things foisted upon her that she doesn't like because some marketing geniuses somewhere decided pink ponies are for girls?

I have a DD who is 10 and a DSis who is 12 from Mom's second marriage. My DD is the princiessy princess there ever was! Would wear a ballgown to school every day if she could. DSis wouldn't wear a skirt if you paid her £1m! Her bedroom is blue, she is obsessed by 'flat caps' , she owns the entire Lego range I think, and she plays the drums. And she has been like this for as far as I can remember. Now, I can see her starting to watch me quite intensely while I put on my make up and there was interest in a boy recently that I almost had to drag out of her.

Things can be so different at all different ages, just let her do what makes her happy and always do your best to be open and honest with her, in the hope that this lays the way for her to be so with you :)

Looking forward- I hated being encouraged to "fit in", having my "differences" pointed out and told I needed to change or people might pick on me.

What I wanted was support to be myself, and help in dealing with other people. After all, why was I wrong, not the people being nasty.

It still affects me as an adult, I'm very self conscious and stick to clothes that blend in. When really is love to dye my hair purple and wear big boots!

Just another pov from your dd's perspective. She may want the help you are giving to help her blend in, she may not.

Thanks that's a fair point, she really doesn't blend in at all - her differences are quite apparent, but we do feel that we have approached it in the right way for us, as she gets older she may well choose to go further, that will be her decision but there's nothing at the moment to indicate she feels like that. We can only go as we feel is right and for us we think that this is the right approach.

I say this as she's currently playing football in the garden wearing a Barcelona kit with her best friend (male) having just finished a match on FIFA 15.