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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my tomboy dd1?

165 replies

turtlepig · 04/08/2015 20:45

Dd1 is a tomboy. She is 4. she seems to only gravitate towards "boy" type toys and TV programmes. she literally likes nothing that would be traditionally aimed at girls at all. She hates wearing dresses and skirts. Hates the colour pink. If she is playing she would always choose to be the dad or male character.
She said she would like a willy so she could wee standing up!
I am finding this quite hard to deal with. The preference for "boy" TV programmes etc. I have no issue with. It's just the feeling that there is something "more" to it. Wanting to role play as a boy. The complete shunning of skirts and dresses and even leggings. The huge disdain for anything pink.. I don't know if it's possible to have gender dysmorphia at her age or to feel she has been "born in the wrong body" or whatever but if I even ask her about why she won't give her sister a turn at being the "daddy" or ask what's wrong with wearing a skirt or looking pretty she simply refuses to discuss it!
Aibu to feel worried and scared for her? I wish she felt she could open up to me more about it but she obviously doesn't want to. I just want her to have a happy life, she's not very confident at all and I'm worried about her starting reception in September and being so completely different to all the other girls there.

OP posts:
Original poster
turtlepig · 04/08/2015 21:08

worraliberty - tomboy just seemed to fit best... it wasn't meant as a derogatory term or anything! it's more than her just not showing interest in the same stuff as other girls it's more her complete shunning of it..

As a side note I have always read your username as worraliabilty before - no idea why!

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 04/08/2015 21:09

I'm glad I made you laugh OP! Seriously - don't torment yourself about this - it's pretty much meaningless at her age.

I want to see the expensive shoes Cabrinha. SHOW US THE SHOES!!!

RonaldosAbs · 04/08/2015 21:10

Good god chill out.

My children have exhibited the stereotypical preferences for each gender on and on for their whole lives, DS playing with a baby doll in reception, to my DDs wearing everything but sports shirts to mini skirts in their teens. Kids like what they like, these are all very on the surface preferences or cosmetic things, they hold no significance at all.

what's wrong with wearing a skirt or looking pretty

You absolutely need to stop it with that kind of language. Asking her what's wrong with looking pretty is basically you saying to her "I don't think you're pretty the way you are". Low self esteem ahoy. If you want her to be happy in life, foster her self esteem and make sure she is comfortable and brave in who she is, not who you think she should be.

It might be worth talking to your GP about anxiety as well.

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2015 21:11

Liability would probably be more descriptive Grin

I completely shunned that sort of thing when I was little too...right up until about 12yrs old and then I suddenly wanted to dress more feminine and wear make-up.

But girls have been like that since the year dot, it's just people call them Tomboys for some silly reason.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 04/08/2015 21:11

Any "uncomfortable" feelings you may be experiencing at your DD just being the person she is stem from this current mad idea that everyone must fit into a strictly constructed gender box, and that anyone who doesn't is suffering from gender dysphoria. This is something that is currently very wrong with the world, not with your DD. You should be feeling uncomfortable, but not with your DD just being who she is. Instead you should be feeling very uncomfortable, and even angry, that this insane obsession with gender stereotyping and putting children in pink/blue boxes has made you, as a parent, question whether your tiny, perfect daughter is "normal" just because she is refusing to be squeezed into a socially-constructed box.

TiggyD · 04/08/2015 21:12

The weeing standing up thing is jolly useful.

They're 99.9% probably going to grow out of this phase. Don't worry about it. Just love them for who they are.

Liara · 04/08/2015 21:13

I think she's just a feminist.

Refuses to be put into the box that society fits women into. 'Looking pretty' is something we usually only say to girls. Boys are not expected to 'look pretty'.

By putting much of the positive feedback we give to girls onto something as vapid as 'prettyness' we are devaluing all the other much more worthwhile things they have.

Respect to her! :)

bigoldbird · 04/08/2015 21:14

I don't think you have anything to worry about. DD2 was like this. At age ten she had her hair cut very short and always wore boy clothes. When I went to pick her up from big birthday parties she was always with the boys and I sometimes had difficulties working out which was her.

She is now 22 and a very elegant young lady indeed with long hair who nearly always wears dresses.

However, if she had continued to be more masculine in her choices, or had wanted a sex change, or was a lesbian, that would have been fine too.

As long as your little girl is happy, I wouldn't worry.

Original poster
turtlepig · 04/08/2015 21:15

On the contary I'm pretty sure (pun intended) she knows that I think she's beautiful and clever and kind and hilariously funny because I tell her all the time. Whether she is wearing a spiderman onesie (current favourite) or her gruffalo costume she knows how fabulous I think she is of that I'm sure.
Obviously by the general consensus of the thread and Dh at home I need to chill.the.fuck.out. I will try to!

OP posts:
Me624 · 04/08/2015 21:16

Another one here who despised pink as a child, always wanted to play with the boys and refused to wear dresses. Even in my early teens I often wore boys' clothes. I never wanted to be a boy, but it wasn't until I got to about 16 that I embraced my girly side.

Birdsgottafly · 04/08/2015 21:16

OP, my DD was "a boy called James", around this age, for nearly a year (she went through a stage of being a cat, as well), it's just a phase that some children go through.

CaptainHolt · 04/08/2015 21:18

I haven't embraced my girly side yet but you don't have to pay VAT if you shop in the teenage boys section so every cloud and all that...

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 04/08/2015 21:18

Bad place to post such a thing OP. Mumsnet will only be happy when every human is a genderless, asexual being Hmm. I was a total tomboy as a kid, total penis envy! OK I grew out, but once in a blue moon a child does not. At least nothing will come as a suprise to you later on, it just may or may not be 'anything' at the age she is now. Either way, don't worry too much about it. I knew someone who would get dolled up to the nines on a night out, now transitioning into a man. Just shows you never really know until they tell you.

Charley50 · 04/08/2015 21:23

I was a tomboy too cried if made to wear a dress. Grew out of it in way. Two girls in my DS class are like your DD and have been all the way through school. They are both very confident in themselves and well liked.

Charley50 · 04/08/2015 21:25

Yes and if DD doesn't grow out of it's fine. We are who we are.

UnsolvedMystery · 04/08/2015 21:25

What's wrong with looking pretty? That would be YOUR definition of what is pretty - that involves lots of things that she doesn't like - pink and skirts etc.
Leave her be. She's 4. There is nothing to worry about here at all.

girliefriend · 04/08/2015 21:26

I think you need to go with it and support her choices but I do understand why it can be difficult at times. However I thank dd for challenging my stereotypes. Fwiw she never had any issues with being different at school, she certainly isn't the only girl who refuses to wear dresses and hates pink!!

Most of the things she likes now (9yo) I think of as being gender neutral, climbing trees, riding her bike, building lego, reading, playmobil plus more recently horse riding.

You need to relax about it and enjoy your dd for who she is.

Luggage16 · 04/08/2015 21:29

accept her how she is and she will be just fine. My little boy loves the colour pink and has long curly hair. My daughter is very much a tom boy and not a fan of dresses or skirts or anything 'girly'. At this age it would be impossible to know if it was simple preference atm or a longer term difference in gender identity. Tbh it doesn't make a difference either way so long as she grows up feeling accepted and supported in being the person she is.

DopeyDawg · 04/08/2015 21:34

My Dd is a 'tomboy' too.
She's just become 8.
She doesn't like skirts or dresses as she is very active and always climbing trees / cartwheeling etc. She likes Lego (not LegoFriends) and junkmodelling.
She is interested in science things and has a big brother so knows rather more about SuperCars than I would have expected.
She is fierce and bright, and pretty and I am hugely proud of her.

She'll 'do' the 'girly stuff' at some point I expect, but I am not stressed about it. Equally she has a friend who is very 'Princesss Tippy Toes' and never has a hair out of place and walks like a dressage pony - she's a nice kid too but they are worlds apart. Except they are not, they are good friends and long may it last.

Your Dd sounds fab, btw.

ghostyslovesheep · 04/08/2015 21:40

she may never do 'girly' stuff - my middle DD is 11 and shops in the boys sections of shops, plays football and hates dresses - she has no gender issues - she just likes shorts, snap backs, footy boots and footy

she also has long blonde hair

I don't worry about her - at 4 I wouldn't have turned a hair - it's normal at that age

FiveGoMadInDorset · 04/08/2015 21:44

My DD age 9 presented exactly the same at that age. She still will not wear any girl clothes by choice but she is starting to look at girls trousers if they don't look like girls, just as they are a better fit. I have only just managed to get her into a swimming costume but ones that have legs and she still insists on wearing a rash vest. She has got more confident in the last year, she was diagnosed with Aspergers and we moved schools which has helped enormously as they accept her for who she is and don't try to make her conform. DD is still very much a tomboy and shuns most things girly but as she has gradually got more friends who are girls her outlook is changing but this is her decision not us forcing her to change. Either way we love her and support her.

enderwoman · 04/08/2015 21:50

I was like your dd.
If she's anything like me she'd prefer looking awesome to pretty and being complimented about her choice of favourite superhero than her appearance.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/08/2015 21:51

Definitely relax: she is who she is. You might also, though, start gently educating her along the lines of rigid gender roles being stupid and remind her that there is nothing boys can do that girls can't and vice versa, and that if anyone tells her that some things are only for boys or only for girls, that person is silly and wrong.

jelliebelly · 04/08/2015 21:55

My dd is exactly the same at 6 - you need to relax and just let her get on with it. I view dd as a feminist rather than a tomboy! I love that she knows her own mind and doesnt get sucked into all the pink frilly Princess hype.

feckitall · 04/08/2015 21:55

I too was that child...I am still a very reluctant skirt/dress wearer...only on occasions when it is socially expected.

I had a job interview last week and saw colleagues/friends afterwards who all were Shock or bluntly took the piss at me in skirt/blouse/heels/makeup

I too am married, 3 DC and 3 DGC..