To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

[Sarahblack1]

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

OP - try and refocus.

In one way you could feel sorry for your ex as he will NEVER have the same bond that you and dd could have. Your dd could grow up to be your best friend. And could talk about you as a role model (i.e. my mum raised me single handedly and put herself through uni).

I think you do need more time to yourself though - especially if you do the OU as it is very challenging and not an 'easy option'.

Tell your ex you need him to take your dd two nights a week and one day at the weekend.

What would he say if you did that?

If you don't gain admission into your first-choice local university, why not ask them where you fell short, spend a year or two beefing up your credentials, and apply again?

Take her with you! It might be difficult, but I don't think leaving her with her dad in this situation would be a good idea..

are you ok, op ?

She's tiny. The NHS is nationwide. She needs you, not the local audiology and SALT teams. And most unis provide childcare, for which there are grants for fulltime students. But given the stress inherent in social work, might this not be something to consider a year or two down the track, when she's that much older and you will find the treadmill of early parenting easing a bit?

I think you sound very down, tbh. I would think in terms of asking your GP for help and looking into support from the charity, Homestart, so you can have a bit of respite. I'd also tell him he needs to have her more because you are struggling to cope. Don't ask: tell. He needs to have her every other weekend and one night a week so you can catch up on sleep, as well as who you are as a person. Tell him you need this, because single parenthood is bloody hard, but as importantly his daughter needs that, because she needs both parents. See if he actually steps up to that, because if he does/can, you may feel less trapped and less ground down.

Please don't think of leaving her with him, OP. I suspect it's a bit of an escape fantasy; mine when badly PND was jumping on a plane and finding a hotel abroad where I could sleep for a fortnight! Hang on in there. This is hard. But they grow up, and faster than it ever seems at the time. You will regret it bitterly if you leave her now, let alone for a guy who seems, sadly, poor father material.

Also, you sound like you need these: .

OP, I know it's not the same in terms of social contact etc. but have you considered studying with the Open University as an option? It would allow you to get a degree from home, and you don't need entry qualifications.

I hope you are OK. I think the ambition to do a degree so that you can look after your daughter is amazing, and I am sure you'll be able to find a way to fit your studies around childcare.

Hope you're OK, OP This thread has been horrible. Maybe post something in Relationships, and feel the support there. There are sadly, many women who've been through this, and they will help you, rather than vent judgemental rubbish about your parenting skills.

I just want to wish you well OP. I think that it would be a good idea to look into OU provision and/or childcare at prospective universities to see what's on offer and weigh up some options, but first of all I'm hoping you have some family or friend support to lean on as you sound stressed.

I've read some supportive and useful posts in the last couple of hours on this thread, and it's a shame the bullies got in first.

OP I'm sorry you've had such harsh comments on this thread.

Also I think you are correct there is some deep in grained sexism involved in thees responses.

For a women to feel lonely, not enjoying life with a young child and to imagine or even think about a life where she could escape this to pursue wants she wants and to be the non resident parents is seen as horrific.

For a man such as your ex and lots of other men it's seen as crap.

Crap vs horrific- quite a different response.

You have been painted as unnatural and cold, whereas in reality I think these thoughts are probably just as common in women as men, but men do it as it's socially accepted even if crap but mothers would be rounded on and despised-as you have been here for even expressing this idea.

Saying this-you are in a position where her dad is crap, and this does limit your own ambitions, and I can understand your frustration at this-as he gets away with it.

I think you need to give yourself some time. Think about the realities of what you want from life and realistic paths to achieve this. Think about ways that you can release yourself from the anger and bitterness that he got out easily. I think you can find a way to have everything you would want, which I suspect is a good relationship with your DD and a career-just take some time to plan it.

I hope you're OK. be kind to yourself, life with a 3 year old is hard, but you will be the winner in the end I promise you.

There are some truly horrible people posting on AIBU, unfortunately. I fear infinitely more for their children than I do the OP's. the capacity to delight in cruelty and malice are unfortunate traits in a parent.

There is no way I could hand my children over to an uninterested father but I fully understand your need to better both of your lives (or just your life if she never comes back). You are young, your daughter will start school very soon. Unless I could arrange childcare to fit around her I would reconsider in a few years.

Keep applying to your local uni, find out what it is you need to increase your chances of getting in there, unless you don't want custody of your daughter? Find someone else that does.

I agree and totally see where you're coming from OP, your feelings of being trapped and how unfair it is that the father can swan along in life are totally understandable. And why shouldn't you have a life and career as well as being a good parent? It is (just about) possible ime and in 5/6 years it will all be easier and you will still have a life to lead as well as being her mum. I know that you won't leave her with him though and will rise above him. I think in your position I would try and do it all I.e go to uni, take her with you and try and fine suitable childcare and make it work. Not sure that is the best advise as I do tend to kill myself working and looking after my children but I don't see why it's not possible if you really want it. Doesn't stop it being unfair of course. Id also try and put some more compromise in with her father whatever happens, I don't see why he can't have her 1 night a week to give you a break or time to work on applications etc, assuming you have no safety concerns. He may mature and step up in time as well.

"sunnydaylucy" is there actually a need, at this point in the thread , to say cunty things like your last two sentences?
OP is a person with feelings you know?

Is there anyway you can encourage her father to spend more time with her now?

Your a damn right that it's a disgrace whilst you are raising his child he is swanning around with his new woman. Well guess what loser you can't just do that! Tell him you have taken a job on Saturdays 12-12 so he needs to step up to the plate.

Re your degree. Yes it's possible to move away with a child and do a degree. I have done it. You will get a free childcare grant so that will be fine, most UNis have family accommodation but the nights can be lonely as you won't have a sitter when you first move.

The weekends will be hard too as it will just be you and dd.

However at the end of it all I'm sure it will have been worth it.

I totally get why you are feeling like you do but going through with it would mean going against social norms and being on the receiving end of severe judgement from anyone and everyone.

She's here now, you ain't gonna change that. So focus on getting her father to share more of the responsibility.

OP, there are some lovely posts on this thread and lots of constructive advice too. Ignore the people who're baying at you. You are not in a good place at the moment.

Children make life bloody tough. When mine were three and one I was really losing the plot - and I was 41, living with their father and doing a job I like. I posted a thread on MN asking 'does anyone else feel like they're swimming uphill through custard'. I rather think that I wouldn't dare do that today, for fear of just being bayed at and lectured.

your feelings of being trapped and how unfair it is that the father can swan along in life are totally understandable. And why shouldn't you have a life and career as well as being a good parent?

Nobody is saying that the father is swanning around and being a good parent. He's being a shit parent.

You can't have a life and a career as well as being a good parent if you need to dump your child with someone who doesn't care about her in order to do the life and career bit.

He's chosen to be a shit parent. The OP can do the same. What she can't do is walk away from her responsibilities to her child and still be called a good parent.

The only unfair thing about it is that by being the first to walk away, he got to do it without causing the child significant damage. The OP can't do that, not because she's female but because she is now the primary and possibly lone attachment figure for this child.

If she had gone first, he would be in this boat and being told the same thing by me at least.

I wonder how many posters on here have been a newly single parent to a small child? Because if they have been they certainly don't seem to remember how fucking hard and isolating it is.

Feeling a desire to escape and/or put your own needs first for once, when everyone else just sees you as mum is not cold or unnatural. It's normal and human.

I hope this thread hasn't made you feel worse than you already did?

My ex left when I was pregnant. For the first few months all was great. I had a never ending stream of support and friends wanting to visit the baby, then it slowly tapered off and I was left, as you say "holding the baby" and feeling like I was drowning in dirty nappies and housework and no longer had a right to be a person in my own right, while my ex continued on in his new career going from one high to the next.

It is lonely and depressing and I suspect it is where you are at now, but it gets easier OP I promise.

Your daughter will become less demanding and you'll have more free time and more chance to pursue your own goals in your own way.

When I was feeling crap about going from being an actual person, to just mum, I made sure I kept aside a little time each day just for me, when the baby was in bed. It kept me sane.

For me it was doing an exercise DVD, followed by undoing all of my hard work with a hot chocolate. Nothing and no-one could get in the way of that. If the baby cried, she cried. It sounds awful but I needed that time to reaffirm that I was a person, with needs of my own.

Try and find some time for you, even if that does mean sticking your toddler in front of Dora and pals for an hour every day. You need to take care of yourself as well as your child.

I do hope you're okay, try and ignore the negatives on this thread. I often think that most posters post only to make themselves feel better about their own shitty life by pushing others further down. It's not pretty to watch.

I'm a very well supported married parent. But I had appallingly severe PND, and I remember longing to just walk away from it all. It's part of the condition. Being attacked would not have altered the longing, except perhaps to make it suicidal, rather than aeroplane based.

OP, there is a lot of help available - practical help, so you can have a bit more time for yourself. Homestart is self-referring if you want. Also might be worth finding out about single parent groups in your area?

It will get better. Three year olds are incredibly labour intensive.

If you choose to do the OU route you can start with the certificate of HE in Health and Social Care. You don't have to be working in social care to do this. It's equivalent to the first year of a degree. It will give you a chance to find out if it's what you want to do and also will give you more chance of being able to find a job within social care which will mean you are then qualified for entry to the full BA Hons Degree with the OU which qualifies you as a social worker.

OU degrees are very doable with a small child. I am doing it. What you might potentially need to do though is discuss with her father him having her more often so that you have time for your studies. He would probably be more amenable to that and also it would be better for your daughter.

It does sound to a certain extent like you are trying to use your daughter as a 'punishment' for your ex and you want to make him have her full time because you want him to 'suffer'. Don't do that. It will be your daughter who suffers long term.

Unfortunely it's got everything to do with being female.

As it's women who inevitably end up being the ones left and trapped when the men walk away.

Not exclsuively but 99% of the time, it's women who are trapped without the choice to evne be the crap part time parents if they wanted to.

Why is that?

is it because men are inherently bad?
is it because women/mothers are less selfish?
or is it because we are socialised to see ourselves in certain roles where some routes are open to men, who may be criticised, but not to women who would demonised?

Are we trapped by our biology/self sacrificing natures?
or trapped by socialised roles?

We are usually the ones with the shitty end of the stick when it comes to options so something is going on.

This is definitly a womens issue, it's far from exclusive to this OP she has just dared say the unsayable- she wishes she could have the freedom from parenthood to do what she wants just like him.

All those saying you'd say just the same to a man-well yes, but so rarely is it a man in the position, that is the point you are missing.

Residential college? Most also provide childcare.

It looks like the judgeypants brigade have scared the OP away :(

OP, if you are still reading, please post again, or even better, start a thread in relationships. There are some lovely people there who will be happy to help you move forward and build a happier life for you and your little girl.

fircroft.ac.uk/

Example of a lovely residential college in Birmingham. People from all over the country live here and their courses are excellent. You'll be fully supported.

My DS is blind and the college was willing to provide childcare for him...