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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

365 replies

Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 09:21

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 31/07/2015 12:29

I think the op has had some harsh comments it's not like she is going to dump her Dd at her fathers house wirh a suitcase and skip Off in time for freshers week

Lappy214 · 31/07/2015 12:32

You want a career in Social Work but don't see the irony of suggesting placing a child with an adult who isn't that interested in her ?

Is your child's emotional welfare not going to be affected ?

Won't you have a light bulb moment once you cover this part of the SW degree work or is it just other kids who's emotional security and well being you will subsequently get paid to deal with that matter ?

RandomFriend · 31/07/2015 12:37

Keep your DD with you, OP. She is only three and will grow fast. Don't miss out on those years, especially by "giving" her to her dad, who is clearly not interested.

The course you want to do will be there next year, or maybe you can re-apply to the one that is closest to home.

Alternatively, if you move to a different part of the country in September, take your DD with you.

Weebirdie · 31/07/2015 12:39

OP is it ok to ask if your daughters difficulties are spectrum related?

Goldmandra · 31/07/2015 12:39

If you think the life you'll be able to provide will outweigh the potential guilt at having left her, then do it.

The OP's guilt is not the problem here. It's the damage that would be done to a three year old by leaving her with someone who doesn't want her for the duration of a degree course.

No amount of money will heal her.

findingherfeet · 31/07/2015 12:43

This isn't about uni if you are seriously considering this and that you recognise she may not want to re-join you 3 years down the line.

I did a part time social work course, very hard work but do-able. There are other options to get your degree/career.

Do you really want to loose your LO to someone so finds her 'alright'?

Shes 3, life will get easier soon you'll regain some freedom.

iheartshoes · 31/07/2015 12:43

Could you look at perhaps working for your local council as a social work assistant? You may find full time work suits you better and you could find a nursery for your DD. Then in a few years you would be very well placed to do the degree or my local council used to offer a sort of train on the job approach that might suit you there may well be other routes into it. Please don't leave your Dd with her dad who doesn't sound very nice. Children are so precious. You could also look at doing a degree with the ou and then you would be eligible for the step up to social work programme which is paid . Will take longer but I think you need to accept that with DC sometimes you need to play the long game. It's hard when you're impatient but there is a lot you can be doing to further your career without dumping your DD on her dad who doesn't appear to give two hoots.

3littlefrogs · 31/07/2015 12:44

You plan to leave your 3 year old with an uninterested father that she currently only sees once a week?
In order to study to become a SOCIAL WORKER?

Do you not see the irony of that?

Or perhaps you don't plan to work with children or families? Confused

rookiemere · 31/07/2015 12:47

Very wise and kind post OhSoNamechanged .

Coffeemarkone · 31/07/2015 12:47

People are just coming here to repeat the same bitchy comments ad nauseum.
Maybe lay off the OP now? I think the MN 'collective' has made its feelings known.

Glitteryarse · 31/07/2015 12:50

She wouldnt be working with kids. It's adults and elderly.

op has came back on the thread and realised it was a bad idea. But hey, who likes to stop a pile in ???

Sometimes you can feel really shit about stuff and think about really bad ideas that wouldn't work, she is human.

Some comments on here are awful.

CultureSucksDownWords · 31/07/2015 12:55

The father presumably won't actually accept caring full time for his daughter though, will he? So the whole plan seems to hinge on an unlikely event.

It sucks to be the responsible parent who is doing the right thing, when the father is apparently living his carefree life. But in reality the father is missing out on his daughter's (and his son's) childhood. He'll have a distant relationship with them as adults, or none at all, and that will be to his detriment.

ReginaBlitz · 31/07/2015 12:56

Not read all replies but you chose to have a child your life now comes second you are being selfish and risk losing your child

Jdee41 · 31/07/2015 12:57

I think the worst thing is posters who justify themselves by saying 'well, the Op asked for honest opinions'

If there's no difference betwen your honest opinion and sanctimonious, judgemental abuse then you really need a good hard look at yourself.

It sounds like the OP has been trying to sort some things out in her head and there's no need for some of these comments.

RonaldosAbs · 31/07/2015 13:06

If the OU puts you off, there are many other brick and mortar universities that do distance learning degrees, or you can distance learn some of it, then do a top up. There are lots of options for you to google and research. A friend of my DD is doing her law degree from home with the University of Essex for example.

There are lots of ways around this. I wouldn't leave your dd, it probably makes sense in your head now, but the realities of making these changes could be very different. Good luck with it all, I hope you're alright, have some Flowers

Itsmine · 31/07/2015 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aintnothinbutagstring · 31/07/2015 13:12

My dh hardly saw our dc when he was doing his qualifying year in his field, he'd spend three days at uni (3hrs away so no chance of me relying on him in an emergency) and the rest of the time, including weekends, at work to pay bills. I do think it is a basic parental instinct to want to provide for your children, and provide well - a good quality of life, so I won't join in berating the OP. I think she is coming from a good place, she's looking towards the future and thinking of the life her and her dd will have. But I think there must absolutely be a better way of doing it.

Jdee41 · 31/07/2015 13:19

I havent read any judgemental, sanctimonious abuse.

Really? How about these:

"You selfish inability to see that this is the wrong thing to do makes me think you are going into the wrong career anyway."

"Why did you even have her if you can't be bothered to look after her. You actually disgust me."

"If it wasn't so desperately sad for your dd I would be laughing."

"...your coldness and detachment are chilling"

Balanced12 · 31/07/2015 13:20

OP I admit I have not read every post but gosh the first sounded awful and a none issue you can be a single mother and do a university course just choose on site childcare as it is much easier check the time tables what days hours are required in class.

Then I saw you have only been a single mum a short time, yes it's horrible, yes you can feel like you got the short straw and how your stuck with a child (this will pass), you need time to adapt spend time with you daughter.

When I first became a single mum people who say oh well at least you have a baby it made me want to punch them 'oh yes so glad I fucked up my life' and I disliked her for a while. Now I feel bad for those thoughts now I can say yes I have a beautiful child who i don't have to share.

You will get there, you set yourself up to be blasted on here please deal with these emotions and then forgive yourself.

In a year's time you may be getting ready for a uni course, you may have a new partner and you daughters dad will still be a div Flowers good luck

Coffeemarkone · 31/07/2015 13:25

People are writing horrible things like that because they have not got the honesty to admit that they have had similar fantasies (other than Balance) when in a really bad place with no support, full on responsibility etc.
Being alone with a child is very very hard.

icklekid · 31/07/2015 13:27

I think it would be your dd who suffers if you leave her at her uninterested fathers. Have you considered...

Part time uni course with her father increasing contact to let you have the time you need to study
Take her with you for the 3 years (maybe alongside part time course) then move back after
Only do uni course if get into local uni eliminating some of the issues

RaskolnikovsGarret · 31/07/2015 13:28

Dear God, lay off OP people. She is clearly finding it hard to cope. I have only ever left DDs (aged 12 and 14) for one night, as I hate being away from them, but even a child obsessed fool such as me can see that OP is struggling. Give advice by all means but don't judge.

OP I hope you get a place at the nearby uni Flowers

JohnCusacksWife · 31/07/2015 13:31

I sometimes fantasise about taxing all men an extra 1% to cover the thousands of men who aren't grown up enough to be the parents they need to be

I've read some shite on MN but this really takes the biscuit...

GraysAnalogy · 31/07/2015 13:34

YY John

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 31/07/2015 14:09

OP, glad to hear you've realised it's a bad idea :)

You sound very frustrated and let down, that's understandable. Your husband is off having a good time while you are left to pick up the pieces. You must feel very lonely. I can understand that you want him to step up and be a responsible parent, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I think you need to concentrate on you and your daughter, and building a new life for both of you. That could include going to university, but taking her with you. I was a single parent student it wasn't easy, and I didn't really get to enjoy the young, free and single student life. But, at the same time, I wasn't the only one, there were quite a few in the same position and we got together, supported each other and had a lot of fun.

Also, do have a real life support network now? Are your family nearby? Is there anyway you could arrange for a regular babysitter so that you get sometime to just be you?

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