Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

365 replies

Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 09:21

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

OP posts:
ItWillWash · 31/07/2015 11:59

MN is such a supportive forum, don't you think? Hmm

If OP does have depression or is struggling to cope, as many of you have hinted do you really think all of this will help?

FWIW OP, it is not wrong of you to want a better life for yourself or for you to want your ex to step up, but just because you want it, doesn't mean it will happen.

I'd look further into bringing dd with you. I'm up north, we have some great hospitals and SALTs here. My youngest saw a SALT, they came into nursery and worked with her there and really helped her. She looked forward to her sessions and was never made to feel different to the other children for needing extra support. I couldn't commend them highly enough for the help they gave her.

The myth that the north has less/poorer facilities than the south, is just that, a myth.

As far as support goes there'll be groups/activities etc you could join with your dd to help make friends for both yourself and her. Fair enough you won't be able to go out every weekend, but in time you'll meet people you will trust enough to leave with your dd who would be more than happy to give you a break. We're a friendly bunch up here Smile

Good luck and I hope things wok out for you.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/07/2015 12:00

It's really hard to do social work through open university. Most of it is placement so not distance learning in the way that other OU degrees are plus you have to have suitable employment and be sponsored by your employer who has to agree for you to take time out paid to do placements. I have seen a friend do it but she was employed as a social work assistant and did one of her placements in her workplace and the other in a different team in the same local authority.

motherinferior · 31/07/2015 12:01

Actually, plenty of children are brought up very happily by other family members while their parents study. My DP, for one. His mother finished her PhD in the US, he lived with his grandparents in the UK. And they had a very loving and close relationship. It's this particular father who doesn't sound as if he'd be able to do that, though.

OP, you sound worn out. And not surprisingly so. Three-year-olds are maddening. Throw divorce and SN into the mix and no wonder you are at the end of your tether.

You can go to university; you can make it work. Plenty of student parents do make it work. But this isn't the way to make it work.

TheRealAmyLee · 31/07/2015 12:02

OP - Don't make big life changing decisions like this so soon. It sounds like the split was fairly recent and you are still adjusting. If your DD is 3 she will be going to nursery in Sept (if she isn't already) this will give you some time to yourself. If you choose you can use this to study but I would advise you put studying on hold for this year and concentrate on your daughter and yourself.

Keep encouraging her father to step up but I would not advise you leaving her with him on a full time basis. Suggest to him the common every other weekend scenario so he takes her Sat/Sun every other weekend and once he has the hang of this then suggest Fri night - Sun night. That will give you time to be you.

Something you should know about social work - It is VERY difficult to get onto the courses and you WILL need to be mentally strong. You need to focus on bonding better with your own child and getting your mental health to a good place before you even consider it. You also need to look at the hours of the job and work out if it is doable with a small child. Your daughter needs to come first in anything you do. Build your bond and then look at what you want your future to be.

Take some time for yourself and your daughter. Focus on building a strong foundation at home for you to work from. 27 is no age at all, there is plenty of time to study and get back into work. Studying when your DD is at school will also mean childcare is much easier as there will be less overlap.

Finally be kind to yourself. It will take time to adjust but you can do this.

TooMuchRain · 31/07/2015 12:03

It is shit that he is a crap father, but you chose to have a child with him and now your child needs at least one committed parent.

How old is his other child?

MagpieCursedTea · 31/07/2015 12:04

The OP has already admitted it was a bad idea. Why is everyone still jumping on to tell her what a bad Mother she is?

Glitteryarse · 31/07/2015 12:05

Shock at some of the responses on here!

littlemslazybones · 31/07/2015 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pardonwhat · 31/07/2015 12:07

I'm considering the same thing but my daughter will be with my mum through the week and with me at the weekends.
Ignore all the judging bitches on here.
If you think the life you'll be able to provide will outweigh the potential guilt at having left her, then do it.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/07/2015 12:08

There are some really horrible and spiteful comments on this thread. Really horrible.

Goldmandra · 31/07/2015 12:09

You're absolutely right: because your exH has a penis, he's thinks he has the right to "move on" as if he hasn't fathered 2 children. He's been socialised to think he can just move on, when the adult responsibilities of being a good grown-up parent are too much for him, the sensitive plant.

He is one of hundreds or thousands of deadbeat dads. I wish there was a way of calling time on this appalling behaviour. I sometimes fantasise about taxing all men an extra 1% to cover the thousands of men who aren't grown up enough to be the parents they need to be. The rest of us end up paying for it.

But as you've come to see, a woman who tries to do that is judged harshly.

This is nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the OP's status as this child's primary attachment figure.

Any father who had taken on the role of carer from birth for three years then wanted to walk away and leave his child with someone who was unwilling/unable to offer that child a secure. loving relationship would be judged just as harshly.

This child didn't choose to be cared for by and attached to her mother because she has a vagina FGS, nor did she choose to see her father walk out of her life and show minimal interest in her because he has a penis.

If the gender roles were reversed the child's needs would not change and the damage done by her primary carer walking out of her life and leaving her with someone who doesn't want her would be exactly the same.

One parent behaving like a shit never excuses the other parent doing something similar, however their genitals are formed.

Timetoask · 31/07/2015 12:10

Op it's great that you want to improve your situation for your long term happiness and that of your Dd. I hope you find a solution. Good luck and keep going.
Don't be afraid to take dd with you, she is still little and adaptable which is hugely helpful. I'm sure you'll find good SN services.

Coffeemarkone · 31/07/2015 12:12

" 'm considering the same thing but my daughter will be with my mum through the week and with me at the weekends. "

that is not the 'same thing' at all is it?

candlesandlight · 31/07/2015 12:12

You say your daughter has some issues and as appointments coming up.do u really think this man , who is not too thrilled about having her stay overnight will make sure she attends these appointments and gets access to the services she deserves ?
You don't seem too bothered about her returning once you are finished your course, sorry , but I feel really sorry for this little girl, parents should put the welfare of the child first above all else.

Jdee41 · 31/07/2015 12:13

There are some really horrible and spiteful comments on this thread. Really horrible.

I know, some people really need to GTF over themselves. Some people don't seem to want to post to offer advice.

Pardonwhat · 31/07/2015 12:15

Coffeemarkone -
Yes. In the sense that I'm moving away to a university in order to provide my daughter with a better life than I currently can.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 31/07/2015 12:16

The reality of MN is that even if the OP's ex were begging her for the DC, there would still be howls of derision.

There are women on MN who won't leave their DC with their capable loving fathers for an hour! And they think this is normal!

Here we have a woman who has recently been dumped by a man who is not stepping up to the plate regarding is familial responsibilities and she is fantasising on the internet about running away. She hasn't even actually discussed this with him or made any arrangements. At all.

But people's response is to say she should have her child adopted! Seriously. Mind boggles.

Coffeemarkone · 31/07/2015 12:17

yes but you will have her at weekends and your mother will have her in the week.
That is hardly the same as what OP is suggesting is it?
Anyway you were right, there are some really bitchy judgemental comments here.
OP hang in there, maybe think about uni when your LO has started school.

Itsmine · 31/07/2015 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettyCatKitten · 31/07/2015 12:18

If her dad won't have her overnight what makes you think he'll have her full time?
I feel very sorry for your dd, neither of her parents seem to want her Sad

OhSoNamechanged · 31/07/2015 12:19

I think you are exhausted and at the end of your tether. I'm guessing that you have simply had enough of life the way it is right now. Wanting to go to university and get a career is a part of this - to make life better; wanting your child's other parent to step up, even if forced, is a part of this too.

However. Your child is 3. and you are not long separated. Frankly I think you have just been through the hardest you are going to get. (except teenage years I know nothing of those yet, fingers in ears la la la la la). You have raised a baby, from 0 to 3, and split with a (frankly very disengaged sounding) co-parent, at the same time. Honestly, that's the hard part over with.

By the time you actually go to university your little girl will be at school and a charming, self sufficient, own-bed-sleeping-in, verbal, reliably continent little person. You would be mad to do the hard years of shit and sleepless nights (which you have already done) and then give this lovely little buddy to your no-good ex to have fun with.

Don't borrow trouble. You don't know what things will be like in a year. You sound low and exhausted and I think you need a hug and a rest and a good friend more than you want to move away from your little girl.

I don't blame you, or judge you, for floating this idea. but I don't think it comes from the wisest or the most loving part of you. And I think you are going to find that part of you and make a really great go of this.

Good luck x

ItWillWash · 31/07/2015 12:24

There's a difference between being honest and trying to outdo the pp's by posting something as spiteful as possible without being deleted though isn't there?

Being honest and pointing out that it's not a great idea, offering alternatives = fine.

Questioning the OP's ability to work in her chosen profession, questioning her love for her child and her parenting or stooping so low as to suggest her child would be better off being placed for adoption = not fine.

Being honest does have to mean being horrid to someone whose choice you don't agree with.

This thread is everything that is wrong with MN and I hope to god that OP doesn't genuinely have depression because to think that she will be sitting reading this on top of that....

cansu · 31/07/2015 12:24

I think you would be very foolish. Your dd father does not sound v interested in her. I think there are other ways of getting your studying done. I also think this may well be something you regret later on.

TheVeryThing · 31/07/2015 12:24

OP, please ignore the nastier comments, some people either haven't bothered to read all your posts are would prefer to ignore them so they can kick someone when they're down.

I know it's really hard right now but you have a year to get back on your feet and find a way to make things work for you and your daughter.

Solasum · 31/07/2015 12:26

But Pardon, presumably your mum loves your daughter, and wants to look after her? She doesn't think it is 'ok' spending time with her.