To be horrified at what my friend has done

[Letthedicefly]

She is a carer for elderly people in their own homes and stole £5 from a lady with dementia.

She is in pieces as she's been caught and keeps saying she only meant to borrow it and would have put it back. She knows it was so wrong but she's in an abusive relationship and had no access to money.

Now she's going to lose her job and get a criminal record which will make her more dependent on him.

I know she's in the wrong but I'm so upset for her as well.

mm..tough one. Clearly it's a despicable act, but sounds like there may be reasons for it. Still, I know of others that have been desperate but haven't stopped as low.

My grandmother had money stolen out of her purse by her carer, eventually she was sacked - absolutely despicable. Deserves all she gets

My mum needed carers, she had them for exactly three weeks before she died. In that time, my father's wedding ring disappeared never to be found again (believe me I searched the house from top to bottom for 5 days solid during the immediate days after she died). The reason, my mum had stated years earlier she wanted to be buried with it. I never found it but had previously seen it say about a year earlier in the little trinket dish on her bedside cabinet it was always kept in. Maybe I'm just being suspicous with no real proof but it's always niggled away at me since she died I'm afraid. I also think this was not a one off, it rarely is I'm afraid from reading about these kind of disgusting incidents of theft. She basically stole from someone she thought she's be able to get away with it from. Sympathy, none for her, for her kids - yes.

It's also worth noting that when not-very-nice people get caught doing bad things that they didn't think others would find out about, they will tend to construct the most plausible explanation that generates the most sympathy possible. Which is pretty much the story your friend is telling. They aren't usually going to say, "Oh yes, I've been stealing from vulnerable clients for ages just because I could, I'd still be doing it if I hadn't been caught". I don't buy this woman's story because it would not occur to me to steal money from a vulnerable person with dementia to resolve financial/abusive relationship problems. There are many means of getting support for these issues that don't involve stealing money, let alone from a dementia patient.

I really feel for anyone who feels trapped in an abusive relationship but what isn't adding up for me is that she seems to have a car to get to work? It doesn't sound like the partner drops her off? (as stole petrol money to get to work?) If she has a car to get to work why couldn't she get to someone who could help her? I can't see how she absolutely HAD to take the money?

She really needs help so I hope she gets it. She needs to face up to her actions, take whatever punishment is given and then get away from her partner and make a new life and new start for herself. One in which she doesn't make such appaulingly stupid choices. I can't condone the stealing under ANY circumstances and especially not from someone so vulnerable.

My DG had dementia however and kept telling us people were stealing from her. We were lucky though as they weren't. She was in a home with amazing staff. Everything that had been "stolen" over the years we found in wierd places in her room after she passed away. Including a large amount of cash...

I dread getting older, knowing what happens (being tied to chairs etc.) there is this kind of abuse too, yes, I know it is 'not the same' but it is still abuse of the person that is being cared for.

I don't believe it was the first time it had happened either, the family went to the trouble of getting a camera, so either suspected theft or something else happening, from this carer or another one.

To steal from a vulnerable person is a disgusting thing to do no matter how bad your life is. Why not ask the lady to lend her the money, especially if it was only £5.00? Being in an unhappy marriage hasn't robbed her of the power of speech, I assume.

I have had money syphoned off regularly by a trusted 'helper', and other items went missing - it was when I heard the lock on my briefcase click I knew for sure and found that the money to pay the gas bill had mysteriously halved while I was out of the room and I had forgotten to lock it. It had been going on for a very long time.

Sometimes you have to trust people not to steal from you and sometimes you get someone with no morals that will abuse the trust.

There are alternatives to being in an abusive situation, asking for help is a start. I have been stopped in the street by someone asking for 50p before now, I assumed the girl was desperate.

My mother had a carer, she stole from her. My mum was physically disabled but mentally fine. So when money was missing from her purse, she knew it was missing, if my mum said she had £12.45 in her purse she had £12.45 in her purse.

However, she was not believed by the (disgraceful) care company that looked after her, of well she is 85, she will get things wrong blah blah!

That was abusive and two wrongs don't make a right, so sorry your friend is also abusive.

You posted on here because you wanted us to agree that it's really not that bad?! Good grief.

I worked with the vulnerable elderly pre dcs. It can take a great deal for some to admit they need help, or feel happy allowing help into their homes. If you are working in this kind of situation, you're in a position of trust. To steal from someone who is vulnerable is just despicable.

You friend wasn't entirely without other choices (did it occur to her to ask you to help her?).

I doubt very much that she was caught the first time she stole tbh and if her circumstances are so bad then she has most likely had other occasions when she hasn't had money either.
It's a despicable thing to do to someone so vulnerable and I don't blame the family for pressing charges.
Dd works in a bank an elderly man with dementia was fleeced of a large amount from his bank account by some scumbag who took advantage of him. Thankfully when he came to get another large sum from his account dd managed to intercept and asked the old man to bring his friend in (he said the cash was for a friend waiting outside) so she could help her. Dd spent 20 minutes giving the scumbag tea and sympathy whilst apologising for the "delay" in the transaction. Twenty minutes it took for the police to pick up the scumbag and the notes dd made as she extracted information about what the previous sum had been spent on
I don't think your friend is any better than the scum dd had to deal with tbh.

I stole £3 from a client once. She was out, a snowstorm had just arrived and I had a 3 mile walk home. I left a note saying, 'had to get the bus, borrowed £3 from the pile of coins on the table, May I pay you back tomorrow? All was well. I had covered any reasonable doubt [and got home safely]

Perhaps I am not terribly bright, but I was under the impression that "borrowing" requires permission. "Borrowing" without permission, with concealment, is theft.

That is it. And, I echo many PPs who have said the likelihood of it being her first theft is slim to none. I have had many positions over my working life, I was a paid carer while training as a paramedic, and have worked also in security.

It makes me physically ill (and frankly, furious) that ANY INDIVIDUAL who requires care, whether in home or in a skilled care facility, can be treated with such disregard that their personal possessions or assets are viewed as something that is "public property" that apparently is available for "borrowing" without permission. That is bollocks.

I once had a situation where I misplaced my wallet between clients (left it at a shop where I stopped to get a bottle of water). I needed to get fuel to return to pick it up after I finished with my client. I called a friend and asked her to run by with a fiver so I could. A family member overheard my call and told me to just take a fiver from the tray on the client's bed stand, and return it "whenever". Absolutely not. No way, not ever. I appreciated their offer, but it is absolutely inappropriate.

Your friend didn't suddenly need petrol money. If we are to believe and I do not that this is true, AND he went to work that day knowing she (maybe, if th

I can tell you without a doubt that no one reviews camera footage without cause. There is no reason. However, when suspicion develops, footage will be scrutinised.

Well, while I totally understand how vulnerable the elderly woman is and that of course this person shouldn't have taken the money, I think calling her 'scum' or 'sick', hoping they throw the book at her etc, is a bit harsh.

Can you imagine being so broke, and cut off, and helpless, and controlled by an abusive partner, that you felt you had to take £5 from a vulnerable person? I can't, thank God.

FWIW, OP, I believe you when you say your friend is beside herself.

Yes only I can, much easier than I wish. And I can imagine I'd go and shoplift a chain shop. Even if my child was actually starving and my neighbours and nobody else would help, I'd go and threaten someone stronger than me if that's what it came to in order to feed her. What I wouldn't do is walk round to the nearby sheltered accommodation and fleece the vulnerable. Because that's not the act of someone desperate, that's the act of scum.

Only the woman who fleeced the old man that dd had to deal with had a tale of woe too.That included abusive husband, hungry children, lost her job and every other scenario she could come up with to justify to dd why she needed the money.According to the police it was all bullshit.
There is no justification for stealing from a vulnerable old person in my eyes.

I have zero sympathy for your friend. She is an adult with a functioning brain and at least relatively healthy body. Even in an abusive relationship, she had the tools to work out how to leave. I'm not saying it's easy, but thousands of women do it every year. She even had employment which puts her in a much better position than others.

Instead, she remained in this relationship. That was a choice. Perhaps a shitty choice in a long list of difficult choices, but a choice nonetheless.

The person she stole from did not have a healthy body. They did not have the mental capacities to "think" their way out of their situation. They had absolutely no way of asking for help really.

And your friend took advantage of that. Whether in a moment's "panic" or not, she crossed a very clear line.

Damnit. Hit post mid-reply.

Your friend didn't suddenly need petrol money - petrol is needed gradually, you can't misplace it. If we are to believe that this story is true, THEN SHE GOT INTO HER CAR KNOWING SHE NEEDED PETROL. With this in mind, she then apparently made the conscious decision that her client would be footing the petrol bill that day. Theft. Premeditated, no less.

Frankly, "carers" who steal oops, borrow from their clients routinely do it in small denominations. A couple of quid here, a fiver there is far easier to blame on "poor doddering old Betsy, always forgetting, and so confused" than the sudden disappearance of a large sum. In fact, I feel long term theft like this should be classified as abuse and prosecuted as such, in addition to the theft.

Carers are paid for their work - it is abhorrent that some should then help themselves to their clients money, whether once or routinely.

I have had registered nurses who worked on my home overnight with my daughter when her constant care needs were greater and my health was failing due to lack of sleep. If any of them "borrowed" a fiver, you can rest assured they would a) never return to my home; b) have their agency advised why we were releasing them; and c) be prosecuted to the fullest extent if we had evidence.

Theft committed by someone in a position of trust against their own vulnerable, defenceless client: The most despicable kind of thief.

No sob story excuses this. Much, much worse than if she had just stolen from Tesco.
I agree she has probably been stealing small sums for quite a while, assuming they'll be put down to confused clients.

Your friend should be convicted and banned from ever working with vilnerable people. They need to be protected from her.

No sympathy at all, she stole from a vulnerable elderly person she was supposed to be caring for, and I too don't believe for an instant that it was the first time she has done it. Disgusting behaviour, and I'm not surprised the family are pressing charges, I would want the book thrown at her.

As an aside, litre are you seriously classing a stutter as self-destructive behaviour?

As an aside, litre are you seriously classing a stutter as self-destructive behaviour?

Really... I will have to let my 17 year old know he is self destructive. He has stuttered since he began talking. I am sure that he doesn't even realize how destructive he has been all these years

That was my take on it too, Call I will be able to tell my son to stop engaging in such a self destructive way too......!!!!!

OP, how did you find out what happened? How did your friend let you know?

What your friend has done is inexcusable, stealing from a vulnerable person. She could have asked them for a loan in fact, if they liked her and trusted her, she could easily have said "please could you lend me a fiver".

anyhoo, if you want to help her then the first things you need to do are to set her up with contacting Women's Aid, getting a phone and loan her some cash. But I'd also be concerned she has done this before.

A carer should never ask their client for a loan. The dependent relationship makes that totally different to asking a friend; completely unacceptable and unprofessional.
The carer is there to help solve the problems of the client, not the other way round.

only the OP says her friend is 'in pieces as she's been caught' so yes the descriptive words used by some posters on her about her are entirely apt.

Can you imagine being so broke, and cut off, and helpless, and controlled by an abusive partner, that you felt you had to take £5 from a vulnerable person?

Oh Yes, and stealing £5 is going to make all the difference
That's why I find it hard to believe its only happened the once

As an aside, litre are you seriously classing a stutter as self-destructive behaviour?

She didn't say that did she? It was clear to me she didn't mean it like that. She said There's often a 'leak' be it an eating disorder or a stutter or in my case shop lifting, meaning that the abuse can manifest in different ways. She then moved onto self destructive behaviour, it was just poorly worded.