To be horrified at what my friend has done

[Letthedicefly]

She is a carer for elderly people in their own homes and stole £5 from a lady with dementia.

She is in pieces as she's been caught and keeps saying she only meant to borrow it and would have put it back. She knows it was so wrong but she's in an abusive relationship and had no access to money.

Now she's going to lose her job and get a criminal record which will make her more dependent on him.

I know she's in the wrong but I'm so upset for her as well.

[derxa]

*your

[iamanintrovert]

You are obviously a lovely caring friend OP
but do keep a part of your mind open to the possibility that your friend might not be as good-hearted or as well-intentioned as you believe. At the very least she has made poor choices and these things usually don't happen as a one-off.

[DaddyPigIsMyParentingGuru]

Most of the posts here mention a "carer" stealing. It makes me worry now when my parents need one they would be stolen from too.
If I had a friend do this I could never forgive them. I would not be supporting them.
She could have sent you a text or whatsapp (free to send) and you could have sent her money or transferred it to her account and there are many other things she could have done.
Horrible behaviour. I don't know if I believe it was a £5. She might be lying to you about the amount so you don't judge her.

[londonrach]

I hope they throw the book at her. I work with the elderly and have seen this. I still remember the lady who told her someone had taken her husbands war medals. She had a photo of her husband on a table with the medals around the photo. There is no excuse for stealing off someone who is vulnerable like that. Im shocked. No way would i want her caring for any of my patients. How would you know She hasnt done it before. So glad they stopped her now. That poor person she was caring for.

[CPtart]

OP, who looks after your friend's young children while she's working?

[thegreylady]

There is no 'only' when it comes to stealing especially from the elderly and vulnerable. You can't support your friend really just go on being her friend . If, as you say, she is a decent person at heart, she will be devastated with guilt as well as any other punishment she may get but the elderly person's family will be so worried about their relative's ongoing care.

[LitreOfTea]

What a load of nonsense legosuperstar.

You're not sympathetic to her, that's you're prerogative, but to say she's not a victim and there's no link between being in an abusive relationship and stealing is nonsense There's often a 'leak' be it an eating disorder or a stutter or in my case shop lifting. There's often some self-destructive behaviour. It's not a conscious decision to commence stealing. The sub-conscious is screaming at the conscious.

I have relatives who've been in care homes too. It is possible to see both sides without demonising the OP's friend. Which is the last thing she'll need. She's probably made to feel like a worthless piece of shit 24/7 and now she's been labelled 'a thief' for a fiver. I hope that she talks to the right people. Please encourage her to reach out for help.

OP, don't judge your friend. Don't demonise her. Don't put conditions on your forgiveness. Be the one person who doesn't label her a thief, because when you're self-esteem is in the gutter, another negative label won't help. This might be the catalyst she needs to get away from an abusive relationship. You can hope, but it isn't easy.

[CalmYourselfTubbs]

your friend is lying to you.
this is the first time she was CAUGHT.
not the first time she stole.

[HeyDuggee]

I also don't believe a word - if the family installed cameras at considerable expense, items must have gone missing periodically over a period. They were powerless until they had definite proof of her caught in the act. Only £5 because she got careless and sloppy. Did she tell you there were hundreds of pounds in the house she could've taken but didn't touch and "only" took the fiver? Because I'd wonder how did she know there were hundreds of pounds in the house? If she had to handle it to pay for things, she only needed to turn her back to a camera for a fraction as she handled it to skim some off.

[LitreOfTea]

ps
i had my x mocking me telling me I was a hairy midget, too fucking stupid to cook a ready meal. And I stayed with him because, although I knew he was a bastard, I felt so worthless that deep down, I thought I didn't deserve better. If I'd been branded a thief, judged for stealing, demonised, over a fiver taken in desperation due to financial abuse, then the feelings of worthlessness would have been compounded and I would have stayed longer.

I hope the OP's friend doesn't end up staying longer in the abusive relationship because he feels like it's been proven she's worthless now.

Abusive men have a lot to answer for. They cause so much pain and distress and they just merrily get up and face another day.

[HeyDuggee]

LitreofTea, she's not been labeled anything. She was caught in the act of stealing. She IS a thief.

No one steals for no reason. (And those that appear to, we are told suffer from a condition we've labeled kleptomania)

[CoogerAndDark]

You can support her through what's to come whilst making it clear you don't condone what she did. Don't minimise the theft, or accept her reasons why she abused the trust of a vulnerable person, but help her with the impact her actions are going to have on her job and reputation.

Thieves always have a reason. You can understand those reasons without being seen to excuse them.

[HPsauciness]

I expect there is a bit more to this than just £5, because if the cameras have been there for 12 months, they wouldn't just be trawling through looking for any old suspicious behaviour. The older lady must have noticed the loss, been upset, and then they went looking for the reason. I suspect other amounts had been going missing which is why they were alert and looking for evidence. A one off note missing could have just fluttered under the table, a pattern is what would have alerted them.

I think you can be a supportive friend whilst not condoning what she did.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes I agree, I don't think your friend has been enter.y honest with you. If there were camera installed, then this ladies money çoukd have gone missing before, prompting relatives to install them and yiur friend was caught out by them. It's up to you if you still want to be friends with her, but fir me, it would change how I see her as a friend.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

My uncle's carer (he had dementia) took food from his freezer. She claimed he had given it to her - he may well have done, but she should not have accepted it. (We're talking lobsters, large joints, steaks, sides of salmon here, which my cousin put in the freezer for Sunday lunches when the family visited, not packets of value fish fingers and peas.)

I agree that your friend has been caught for this £5 - it's not the first time she has stolen.

[PeterParkerSays]

OP, think ofthis from the position of your friend's employer. your friend works with vulnerable people who often won't remember her visiting or what she did. In this lady's house she took £5. They have no idea if she has also taken money from other people's houses where there aren't cameras. Their response is no a "knee jerk reaction" they have a staff member who has committed gross misconduct.

I'm sure the famil are pressing charges - it's called theft. They have video evidence of it being committed. As someone with family in a care home I'm really struggling to find sympathy for your friend. She could have phoned work and explained she had no money for fuel to get in. She could have asked for a meeting with a manager at work about her situation - I work somewhere where a staff member went from work to a refuge because she said that she was in a relationship like your friend and work helped her to get safe. What she's done is make herself unemployable in the care / health sectors and generally unemployable for a couple of years until it's a spent conviction. Employers aren't going to want to know the circumstances, they'll just see the declared conivction for theft by finding and walk on by. Stupid girl.

But I guess she knows all this. Please don't minise what she's done, or make out that she had no other options. She did.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree peterparker.

[RachelRagged]

Nope . . No sympathy here either I'm afraid.

[MoonriseKingdom]

So terribly sad to hear the many stories of abuse of trust

Just wanted to say that there are many many carers out there who would never dream of doing such a thing. Most of them work in difficult conditions (low pay, zero hours contracts, minimal time allocated for visits) and manage to maintain a caring attitude to their vulnerable clients. My grandma was in a nursing home for the last few years of her life (she had severe dementia) and we have nothing but praise for the wonderful staff. This thread makes me feel how lucky we are. I would have been devastated if she had been targeted in such a way, even if the financial loss was only minimal.

[PeterParkerSays]

I agree with Moonrise when my MIL was still at home she had a couple of slapdash carers, an ok carer and a lady who did evenings who was worth her weight in gold. None of them stole from her. The good carers are a real asset to their profession and do their companies proud - our good carer kept us informed if she had concerns about MIL, she came out overnight when MIL fell to see if she was ok, she was warm and friendly and approachable. We don't hear enough about the good ones because the media focus on carers like your friend, when they are caught behaving badly.

[elementofsurprise]

LitreOfTea Stealing from say, a large corporation (eg. a supermarket chain) because eg. you need sanitary protection and are not allowed the money to buy it, is one thing. Stealing from a vulnerable person who is reliant on you being honest and trustworthy is quite different.

[Lurkedforever1]

litre lots of people have been there, and I'd never condemn someone out of hand for shop lifting essentials, or even non essentials to sell on for cash, from a large chain. Because it doesn't take much stretch of the imagination for me to see why someone might be reduced to that level, hence I wouldn't judge if there were good mitigating factors. But nobody ever has any excuse to steal from the vulnerable. It's despicable, and I have more respect for armed bank robbers than people in a position of trust who take advantage of those weaker to steal even £1.

[Starbrite00]

She deserves everything that's going to happen to her and more.
Sick individuals steal from the vulnerable and bow she has a sob story.
No excuse ever!!!