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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified at what my friend has done

261 replies

Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 21:42

She is a carer for elderly people in their own homes and stole £5 from a lady with dementia.

She is in pieces as she's been caught and keeps saying she only meant to borrow it and would have put it back. She knows it was so wrong but she's in an abusive relationship and had no access to money.

Now she's going to lose her job and get a criminal record which will make her more dependent on him.

I know she's in the wrong but I'm so upset for her as well.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 30/07/2015 21:59

Why put this here?

Of course you are horrified. Anyone would be.

But do you want your friend hung out to dry? What are you asking?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/07/2015 22:00

But why were the cameras installed?

Original poster
Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 22:00

No I don't.

I've put it on here for a few reasons, because I want advice on supporting her and because I hope some people will see it isn't that bad and not judge her too harshly and because I wanted to offload myself it's been hard supporting her.

If that's ok with you that is!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/07/2015 22:00

I think the point is she got caught with £5

You don't know what (if anything) she's stolen in the past.

Either way, I can see why you feel for her because she's your friend, so it's natural.

But I think you'll find many other people will just be relieved that she'll never be in a position to steal from an elderly, vulnerable person again.

How do you think that old person is feeling right now?

Original poster
Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 22:01

Because the lady's family installed them. They've been installed for over 12 months now and no ones been seen stealing.

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 30/07/2015 22:01

Lots of people are in bad situations - they don't all steal!

She was caught doing something dreadful. The amount is immaterial.

KungFuhrer · 30/07/2015 22:02

Why didn't she just borrow some money from you or family/other friends?

pilates · 30/07/2015 22:02

What a disgusting thing to do no matter how desperate you are. I bet the cameras were put up because they had suspicions about her.
"This is £5, not someone milking someone dry or stealing valuable jewellery"
Yes I'm sure that's how it all starts off.

WorraLiberty · 30/07/2015 22:03

I hope some people will see it isn't that bad

Seriously? Confused

Of course it's that bad, especially for the victim who will probably never trust another carer again.

How could they trust again?

Original poster
Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 22:03

She hasn't got any family and she couldn't get to me or anyone else as she couldn't afford it, catch22.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 30/07/2015 22:03

I don't think she's telling you the whole truth about the stealing. Sorry. In short, I don't think she's trustworthy. It's not £5; it's a huge moral boundary and I think you need to travel quite a long way from moral norms to get there.

She needs to get out of the relationship. If she's stealing from the vulnerable, it's time to pack a bag and stay on friends sofas. It really is.
Can she stay with you?

I have enormous sympathy for anyone in an abusive relationship but I think she's not being honest with you about the act of theft.

Original poster
Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 22:03

Ok worra I am upset by this but I hope you understand you're not being helpful

OP posts:
KungFuhrer · 30/07/2015 22:04

Could she have not phoned someone? Reverse charges? Bank transfer etc?

Original poster
Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 22:04

I'm positive she is telling the truth. I've known her since we were 9. She had an opportunity to steal £50, £100 and took the lowest possible amount. Right - no, but indicative of a massive moral failing, no. I think she just panicked.

If she'd been stealing for months then the cameras would have shown this.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 30/07/2015 22:05

Where does she live? Coach tickets are very cheap. Seriously, if it's come to this, she just needs to leave.

Original poster
Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 22:05

I don't think she has access to a phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 22:05

She has young children.

OP posts:
KungFuhrer · 30/07/2015 22:06

Pay phone?

Passmethecrisps · 30/07/2015 22:06

I mean this very kindly - genuinely. You have picked the wrong section of MN if you want to know how to support your friend.

Maybe start a new thread elsewhere - this is black and white "am I being unreasonable in being horrified?" No you are not.

Not much room for discussion about support

GarminGirl · 30/07/2015 22:07

What if things have gone missing at other places she's worked at? She will be no1 suspect now

Original poster
Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 22:07

With no money? Confused

I daresay she SHOULD have done stuff but the fact is she didn't and she panicked and I am very upset with and for her.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 30/07/2015 22:07

Maybe this could be the wake-up call she needs? Can you gently point out to her that you believe she is better than this and how much easier her life would be if she had control over her own money?

thecatfromjapan · 30/07/2015 22:08

I don't think either of you have got your head round how bad this is if you're minimising by saying it could have been £50.

Your friend could have stolen furniture, set up home in a room, bullied the person into signing over the house - the old person was vulnerable; she abused an enormous trust.

Carers don't get paid enough for the responsibility placed on them, we all know that. But none of that makes what your friend did OK.

Original poster
Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 22:08

Yes but nothing has gamin. The company are as upset as I am and they agree it was probably a panicked knee jerk reaction and she intended to put the money back. Unfortunately the family are pressing charges.

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 30/07/2015 22:09

Agree with passmethecrisps. What was your friend going to spend the money on?

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