To be horrified at what my friend has done

[Letthedicefly]

She is a carer for elderly people in their own homes and stole £5 from a lady with dementia.

She is in pieces as she's been caught and keeps saying she only meant to borrow it and would have put it back. She knows it was so wrong but she's in an abusive relationship and had no access to money.

Now she's going to lose her job and get a criminal record which will make her more dependent on him.

I know she's in the wrong but I'm so upset for her as well.

[Passmethecrisps]

Why put this here?

Of course you are horrified. Anyone would be.

But do you want your friend hung out to dry? What are you asking?

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

But why were the cameras installed?

[Letthedicefly]

No I don't.

I've put it on here for a few reasons, because I want advice on supporting her and because I hope some people will see it isn't that bad and not judge her too harshly and because I wanted to offload myself it's been hard supporting her.

If that's ok with you that is!

[WorraLiberty]

I think the point is she got caught with £5

You don't know what (if anything) she's stolen in the past.

Either way, I can see why you feel for her because she's your friend, so it's natural.

But I think you'll find many other people will just be relieved that she'll never be in a position to steal from an elderly, vulnerable person again.

How do you think that old person is feeling right now?

[Letthedicefly]

Because the lady's family installed them. They've been installed for over 12 months now and no ones been seen stealing.

[LondonRocks]

Lots of people are in bad situations - they don't all steal!

She was caught doing something dreadful. The amount is immaterial.

[KungFuhrer]

Why didn't she just borrow some money from you or family/other friends?

[pilates]

What a disgusting thing to do no matter how desperate you are. I bet the cameras were put up because they had suspicions about her.
"This is £5, not someone milking someone dry or stealing valuable jewellery"
Yes I'm sure that's how it all starts off.

[WorraLiberty]

I hope some people will see it isn't that bad

Seriously?

Of course it's that bad, especially for the victim who will probably never trust another carer again.

How could they trust again?

[Letthedicefly]

She hasn't got any family and she couldn't get to me or anyone else as she couldn't afford it, catch22.

[thecatfromjapan]

I don't think she's telling you the whole truth about the stealing. Sorry. In short, I don't think she's trustworthy. It's not £5; it's a huge moral boundary and I think you need to travel quite a long way from moral norms to get there.

She needs to get out of the relationship. If she's stealing from the vulnerable, it's time to pack a bag and stay on friends sofas. It really is.
Can she stay with you?

I have enormous sympathy for anyone in an abusive relationship but I think she's not being honest with you about the act of theft.

[Letthedicefly]

Ok worra I am upset by this but I hope you understand you're not being helpful

[KungFuhrer]

Could she have not phoned someone? Reverse charges? Bank transfer etc?

[Letthedicefly]

I'm positive she is telling the truth. I've known her since we were 9. She had an opportunity to steal £50, £100 and took the lowest possible amount. Right - no, but indicative of a massive moral failing, no. I think she just panicked.

If she'd been stealing for months then the cameras would have shown this.

[thecatfromjapan]

Where does she live? Coach tickets are very cheap. Seriously, if it's come to this, she just needs to leave.

[Letthedicefly]

I don't think she has access to a phone.

[Letthedicefly]

She has young children.

[KungFuhrer]

Pay phone?

[Passmethecrisps]

I mean this very kindly - genuinely. You have picked the wrong section of MN if you want to know how to support your friend.

Maybe start a new thread elsewhere - this is black and white "am I being unreasonable in being horrified?" No you are not.

Not much room for discussion about support

[GarminGirl]

What if things have gone missing at other places she's worked at? She will be no1 suspect now

[Letthedicefly]

With no money?

I daresay she SHOULD have done stuff but the fact is she didn't and she panicked and I am very upset with and for her.

[CharlotteCollins]

Maybe this could be the wake-up call she needs? Can you gently point out to her that you believe she is better than this and how much easier her life would be if she had control over her own money?

[thecatfromjapan]

I don't think either of you have got your head round how bad this is if you're minimising by saying it could have been £50.

Your friend could have stolen furniture, set up home in a room, bullied the person into signing over the house - the old person was vulnerable; she abused an enormous trust.

Carers don't get paid enough for the responsibility placed on them, we all know that. But none of that makes what your friend did OK.

[Letthedicefly]

Yes but nothing has gamin. The company are as upset as I am and they agree it was probably a panicked knee jerk reaction and she intended to put the money back. Unfortunately the family are pressing charges.

[woowoo22]

Agree with passmethecrisps. What was your friend going to spend the money on?