To be horrified at what my friend has done

[Letthedicefly]

She is a carer for elderly people in their own homes and stole £5 from a lady with dementia.

She is in pieces as she's been caught and keeps saying she only meant to borrow it and would have put it back. She knows it was so wrong but she's in an abusive relationship and had no access to money.

Now she's going to lose her job and get a criminal record which will make her more dependent on him.

I know she's in the wrong but I'm so upset for her as well.

[FundamentalistQuaker]

Thanks, but I wasn't upset. I was more cross really. I thought it was very manipulative.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

FundamentalistQuaker I don't see why your posts earned you a pm, and if it was anything like the post I can imagine it was very upsetting

[winewolfhowls]

Some terribly sad stories on here :(

[FundamentalistQuaker]

Thanks, Miscellaneous.

Pretty horrid stuff.

[Hellionandfriends]

If your friend is in an abusive relationship, I empathise hugely with her. However it doesn't excuse her behaviour at all.

[Hellionandfriends]

Why didn't she talk to her employer about needing to borrow money to get some petrol

Or link into a food bank, freeing up cash for petrol

Or sell things to get petrol?

It's hard to know if she telling the truth about the £5 being borrowed or a one off. Probably every thief would make these statements but there will be a few who are tell the truth.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I'm not sure if we're allowed if it's been deleted, but Err, she thought everyone was very nasty on this thread, apparently we're all heartless & cruel for not supporting the poor abused victim'; this picked on victim being the exploitative thief by the way. Also we allegedly apparently wanting the OP to never to work again and we all were wanting the ruin the thief's life.

All of which written in a way that made it very hard to understand. I ended up sounding out the letters phonetically to get any understanding out of it.

Oh and lastly all of us were blamed is for the OP wanting to kill her/himself and signed off by saying they're just about to take pills. Although they do say relatively clearly at the beginning that she/ he was no one connected to the story, neither friend nor poster - yet found the sticking up for the most vulnerable members of society so repugnant and mean that we are all responsible for that posters frame of mind and whatever he/she did next was all our fault too.

Upsetting post to read for many reasons and glad mumsnet deleted.

[FundamentalistQuaker]

Sorry, I didn't see her post before it was deleted.

[FundamentalistQuaker]

ButterFlyWings168 has sent me an odd and offensive PM. I didn't see her message before it was deleted so I've no idea what this is about. Can anyone explain?

[DurhamDurham]

And yes the friend can work again, just not in the field she currently does. She could work at any number of places that don't require a CRB/DBS check and where she isn't left alone with other peoples money.

[DurhamDurham]

It doesn't matter how desperate she was, there is always a better option than stealing money from an old lady entrusted into her care. It might have been that woman's last £5, she might well have been desperate too. But I agree that if you feel like you say you do, and you are clearly on the edge, you should ring the Samaritans or see your GP.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Err, who says she should never work again?

Oh now I read through the typos I see its a very disturbing post. If you're serious please phone Samaritans, or call an ambulance.

Btw this thread is empathetic and kind, it's made me feel a lot better to know people won't tolerate abuse and exploitation of the most vulnerable people in society.

[MrsMummyPig]

What !??

[MistressDeeCee]

Your friend is rotten, OP. She could have sought advice about getting out of her situation but instead of that, she's actively chosen to take advantage of a vulnerable person by stealing what doesn't belong to her. I would sever friendship with someone like that, her relationship comes before her moral compass, her conscience, and her job. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I dislike thieves intensely.

[DeeWe]

Yeah right. It's always the first and only time people have done it when they're caught.

Devastated. Yep. But reality is devastated to be caught, not to have done it.

Sad thing is that they will know she has pinched much more, but with no evidence can only claim back that £5.

There is no justification for that at all. Nothing can be said to make it an okay thing to do.

[BoredAdminGirl]

Hang on a minute.

The OP asks "AIBU to be horrified at what my friend has done" yet spends the whole thread justifying her actions.

OP is in fact the "friend" I would bet my money on it. Or at least agrees she did nothing wrong

[Tiredemma]

As a nurse working with vulnerable people this just disgusts me. There is no excuse to take off those you have been entrusted to care for.

A few christmases ago at work a staff member took food items that were stored in a cupboard intended for the patients on Boxing Day (Mental health ward, items such as luxury biscuits etc).
We have never 'found' the culprit -although the rota narrowed it down there was no concrete proof who it could have been. We often have staff taking patients food (baguettes etc saved from lunch for later in the day).

yes, this is only food- and the carer in question may have 'only taken £5'- thats not the point. When a carer/nurse steals money/food it tarnishes all of us, it makes people lose their trust in us.
When people need our care by default they become 'vulnerable'. To take anything from them is abhorrent.

Sadly in my area of healthcare I am seeing an ever increasing trend of healthcare workers who do not care, they have no real interest in providing good quality care- they are simply there because its the only job they can find. They lack empathy, lack compassion, lack the desire to understand.
Whilst we continue to employ such people we will sadly continue to see a gross and disgusting attitude to the people we care for.

If they dont care then they dont care about robbing from vulnerable people. I cant accept it and I think that your 'friend' is a piece of shit.

[Charlie97]

Miscellaneousassortment, that's dreadful, I'm sorry that happened to you!

X

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

After the last carer stealing incident a while back I was told that proving it was almost impossible unless there was camera evidence.

That means actual footage of her hands actually taking the money not just going into that drawer or taking something unidentifable out.

So I can well imagine there were cameras installed if this wasn't the first time it had happened.

I was too beaten down and exhausted to do it but I wish I had as it was only several months after that I realised who it was, and it wasn't who I'd logically suspected (a new cleaning company who'd sent in a new one time only cleaner)... It was the carer I trusted the most and trusted her enough to show how devastated I was by the betrayal of trust of the 'thief'. The foul girl hugged me as I cried about the three shiny two pound coins is especially picked and polished for the tooth fairy to give my then 3yr old after he had had a traumatic operation where 6 teeth were removed. I cried at seeing my sons face fell when he'd rushed to get them out and found them gone, and I cried for me and him being so vulnerable to some immoral bastard rifling through my bedside drawers and ds piggy bank looking for anything they could take off us.

And that bitch stood there and watched me without a flicker of remorse.

Thank god she's gone.

Grrrrrr.

[RagstheInvincible]

But why were the cameras installed?

A very good question. No sympathy here BTW.

[drinkscabinet]

I'm not sure I'd believe her story. I shared a flat when I was a student and one of my flatmates started noticing things were disappearing. She thought it was the cleaners and told the university but they didn't believe her. So she installed a camera and caught our flatmate. The victim had been through a major bereavement and wasn't as on top of things as normal and the thief had got a copy of her room key, stolen a bank card, intercepted bank statements etc etc. It was thousands of pounds worth, all stolen in small amounts. The thief constantly lied. She even told her victim she had a serious life threatening disease. Your friend may not be being abused by her husband, that may be just another lie.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

You can be upset for her, and know she has good points and so on. But she committed a crime - theft against a vulnerable person who lacks capacity. The law cannot overlook that. It is very very serious.

So you're not being unreasonable to feel sorry for her, but the law would be highly unreasonable if it didn't punish people who abuse their position of trust with the vulnerable individuals in their care. How would you feel if a rape crisis police officer quietly pocketed a fiver from a victim they were interviewing?

[SilverBirchWithout]

Anyone else think that the employer saying they would give her another chance but the family is pressing charges so they cannot is actually highly unlikely?

Any carer agency would quite properly treat something like this as gross misconduct, their reputation is built on trust and having properly vetted employees. Any agency not sacking an employee in such circumstances would not be one I would want to use for my elderly relative.

[FundamentalistQuaker]

Your friend did something wrong and very damaging to the victim.
Being abused herself (if true) does not give her any right to abuse others.
The victim's family are not being vengeful or disproportionate as your psts imply. They are doing the right thing.

If your friend had used the old lady's phone to ring you, OP, and ask for help I'd have had every sympathy. In fact, I do sympathise with someone in that situation but not to the extent of thinking no action should be taken against her. And the no phone part is hard to understand: when a relative of mine had carers all arrangements were made by phone and I don't see how you could really work as a carer without one.