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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be horrified at what my friend has done

261 replies

Letthedicefly · 30/07/2015 21:42

She is a carer for elderly people in their own homes and stole £5 from a lady with dementia.

She is in pieces as she's been caught and keeps saying she only meant to borrow it and would have put it back. She knows it was so wrong but she's in an abusive relationship and had no access to money.

Now she's going to lose her job and get a criminal record which will make her more dependent on him.

I know she's in the wrong but I'm so upset for her as well.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 30/07/2015 23:06

How did she tell you about this if she has no fuel and no phone???

msgrinch · 30/07/2015 23:08

Your friend did a really disgusting thing and this wasn't the first time, don't be naive. many women, myself included, have left abusive and violent relationships with the clothes on our backs. I would never ever contemplate stealing off anyone, let alone a vulnerable person. yabu, your friend deserves a criminal record, their are ways out of abuse and abusing your position isn't one of them.

IsItMeOr · 30/07/2015 23:08

Albrecht so sorry to hear about how your MIL was treated Flowers. I am frustrated to hear that so many posters have had similar experiences.

Inkymess · 30/07/2015 23:11

There is more to this story. You don't get found out first time you borrow a fiver

littlejohnnydory · 30/07/2015 23:12

A neighbour who was acting as her carer stole tens of thousands off my great Aunt. She only got a 12 month sentence. Your friend will probably get off very lightly. She's made a big mistake but you know her better than anyone on mn and it may or may not be the first time. I dk feel sorry for her if her story is true.

msgrinch · 30/07/2015 23:14

Thanks for all the posters affected by these "carers", it makes me so angry. I hope she's prosecuted and nor allowed to work in this field again. "only a fiver" that's alot of money to a lot of people! That's make or break to my nan, a couple of friends and myself. Hmm

AgentProvocateur · 30/07/2015 23:14

OP, you sound like a lovely friend, but I have no sympathy for the thief who stole from a vulnerable person. That's the lowest of the low. Find yourself some new friends

Aeroflotgirl · 30/07/2015 23:16

Op it's nit about the money, you are totally missing the point, it's about the principle, it does nit matter if it were £5 or 5000, she took advantage of a vulnerable person. you mentioned, she wasonly remorseful as she has been caught. If she Haden't been caught, it could be £10 here, £20 there next time.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/07/2015 23:18

That op woukd be a dealbreaker for me, she was that desparate, she could have asked you, or other friends or family, but she dident, she targeted a vulnerable old lady, and that is the issue.

BettyCatKitten · 30/07/2015 23:20

I've worked in care for many years in varying forms. One of the most important points is TRUST. For any carer this is paramount. You never abuse your position by manipulating, coercing, or stealing, it is just that.
This behaviour gives decent, trustworthy carers a bad name.
I'm sorry your friend is going through shit, but I have gone through an anusive relationship whilst doing this job and have never reduced myself to stealing. I would just would never consider it. Wrong.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/07/2015 23:20

Thanks highkick and Worra, it somehow helps to know that other people think it's very wrong, silly really but it really matters to me. It helps.

The thing about it 'only being £5' is so missing the point by the way. It's the violation, the lies, the misplaced trust, and inability to stop it happening, and the fear. It also doesn't matter that it's only a few carers that exploit and abuse people. They leave scars that don't heal when the next person in your home remembers you're a human. A single act of casual cruelty leaves an impact.

I have lasting damage from my experiences which the low level thievery keep it fresh & current. Pretty awful PTSD from two things, one being the awful behaviour of carers when I first became disabled (the other a rubbish surgeon).

It's not the pounds and pence, (or the other awful stuff that happened), it's the violation.

And the worst is those carers who stripped me of my dignity get to walk around everyday with no consequences, probably don't even remember, whilst I get to live with the flashbacks, the panic attacks, the loss of confidence, and the realisation that you are at the mercy of people and they can treat you any way they please, and all you are to some is an easy mark.

LazyLohan · 30/07/2015 23:21

If you were a carer, and you had absolutely no way of getting fuel, firstly you'd ring your employer and see if they could help out. If they couldn't and you absolutely had to 'borrow' it you could leave a note saying it was an emergency and you were concerned the client would be left without care if she couldn't get the money to return. And have said that it would be paid back as soon as possible. Someone who just takes it is not borrowing it.

hedgehogsdontbite · 30/07/2015 23:25

The amount is irrelevant. It's the betrayal that's the crime. My dad had dementia and Parkinsons. Someone stole a bag of Christmas presents from him, we never found out who. God knows what they thought the presents contained but it was just sweets he'd saved to buy for his grandchildren. He was utterly devastated by it. It's the only time I ever saw my dad cry.

SoleBizzzz · 30/07/2015 23:29

Couldn't she have asked her Manager for some travel money?

emotionsecho · 30/07/2015 23:37

There are some heartbreaking stories on here Flowers to all of you, see OP this is the sort of damage your friend has done by 'only stealing a fiver', and that is why what she has done is so damn awful.

MammaTJ · 30/07/2015 23:46

the realisation that you are at the mercy of people and they can treat you any way they please, and all you are to some is an easy mark.

This is something very much in my mind when looking after people. Making sure they are reassured that they will be treated with respect and dignity!

It absolutely makes my blood boil when people like your friend undo all the reassurance I could every give with one careless act.

BettyCatKitten · 30/07/2015 23:49

I remember a time when I was caring for an elderly lady and her grandson kicked his way through her back door (heroin)
I asked her what she wanted me to do "get rid of him" she told me. He tried to kick me but I g

BettyCatKitten · 30/07/2015 23:51

Got the police there. Poor lady.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 30/07/2015 23:53

It isn't just £5. It's a huge breach of trust!

Your friend stole from a very vulnerable eldery person who must be feeling very upset and confused and wondering who they can trust. It impacts on the family who will also be very upset and angry and will find it hard to trust anyone after this. It will also impact on any carer who they employ, if they do hire any more after this who will be faced with mistrust and suspicion, at least to begin with, not an unpleasant environment to work in.

LondonRocks · 30/07/2015 23:55

Reading some of these accounts of people whose relatives have been stolen from is just making me more Angry

I wonder what prompted the woman's family to put cameras up in her home...

ToastedOrFresh · 31/07/2015 00:02

When did this happen ? A couple of weeks ago ? You say there are cameras at the property ? Has the criminal seen the film footage ? If so, when ? Did the family show it to her ? Has it been submitted to the police ? Do the police consider it admissible evidence ?

If it is a first time offence, she will probably receive a caution, if anything. It is unlikely to go to court as it's such a small amount. Which, like other posters, makes me wonder if it's a first time offence.

The family want charges pressed. Well ? Has she been arrested ? There's nothing can be done with regard to due process unless the arrest is made and a decision on how to proceed. Basically, caution or not ? Fine or not ? If so, how much ? Court appearance or not ?

If this goes on her record, it will be called into question whether she's to be trusted working with vulnerable adults.

I don't know if stealing money from an individual is somehow considered worse than stealing goods from a retail establishment.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 31/07/2015 00:19

As PP said, car, job, but no phone? Surely she would need a mobile for work, for last minute changes to schedule, emergencies etc? Something not quite right here...

LitreOfTea · 31/07/2015 00:21

Can she go to women's aid. Please encourage her too. I was in an abusive relationship and my x was financially abusive. I will not judge your friend. I went through a period of shop lifting and also stuttering before I finally managed to get away from my x.

I hope your friend is ok.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 31/07/2015 00:55

OP, what MiscellaneousAssortment said. Abusive relationship, whatever. There's always another way. Your friend is NOT the victim here. Help her if you will but stop defending her.

derxa · 31/07/2015 05:46

I'm in the position atm where I've discovered that my father's 'carer' has been accepting huge cheques from my 92 year old very ill father. I have no sympathy for you friend at all.