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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm an entitled spoilt bitch

227 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 30/07/2015 17:27

Last week we got married

Today is my birthday. My husband bought (and wrapped) for me, a bag of morisons popcorn.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/07/2015 20:43

What HeyDugge said. Popcorn was a conscious choice. This seems quite sinister to me. He's not thick, he's a solicitor fgs. OP, I don't think things are going to get better

ABTwife · 30/07/2015 20:45

You've been posting about how shit he is for years but married him last week?. I'm not having a go by the way, I'm guessing you received messages at some point in your life that told you this is all you could expect?.

Having people on MN agree it's shit hasn't helped you much so far though we will all continue to do it.

If he hasn't changed in 8 years despite your obvious distress at his behaviour then you need to accept it won't change.

So leave and make a better life for yourself or accept this is the way it'll always be and wanting or expecting more is futile and causing you pointless hurt that he will never understand or respond to appropriately.

thecatfromjapan · 30/07/2015 20:50

I kind of said this up thread but ... It took therapy for me to truly understand that it was OK to expect a partner to cherish me. I had been brought up - brainwashed, really - to believe that that was a bizarre demand.

I suspect there is something similar going on with you.

Good luck.

Garlick · 30/07/2015 20:53

Me too, thecat. That is, I knew I wanted to be cherished but didn't really know what it would be like, and naturally (given my background) assumed I didn't get it because I wasn't worth it.

Good luck from me as well, Only.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 30/07/2015 20:59

What if I can't leave?
I have no money. No income. No savings - 3 children. I'm in the process of applying for jobs daily, as youngest starts school in Sep

OP posts:
contractor6 · 30/07/2015 21:05

Just had a lively debate with my DH about this, his view, he bought a naff present as a joke (I didnt get this) and real present was to be given later, but because of your reaction hes not giving it to you. What men dont realise is that us women are emotional creatures and your mood is probably affected by post wedding blues xxx

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 30/07/2015 21:06

He genuinely hasn't bought it as a joke.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 30/07/2015 21:08

You know, I think so much starts with your self-esteem. I think working on that would transform a lot - including your belief that leaving is not possible.
It's tough because your marriage is currently a machine that drains you of self-esteem.
Working outside the home, with other people, will help - I'd be willing to put money on that.
Therapy/counselling is really good - but costs money.

It may not be as all or nothing as leaving. Self-esteem might help you put boundaries in place and he might surprise you. I'll be honest, though, the more likely effect is that you'll end up wondering why you accepted such poor treatment for so long and you start thinking about the sort of relationship you would really like.

Garlick - all my love to you, my dear. I often see your name, and I always wish good things for you. I hope you get them.Smile

Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 21:12

Honestly?
There seems to be a hell of a back story and you should have been dumping him not marrying him.
The popcorn would be absolutely fine as an example of unreasonable behaviour on divorce papers, btw.

If I were you, I'd go straight to a solicitor and work out your options. Could be that you need to stay married for a bit for better settlement, though obviously don't compromise your sanity. (I think anyway you can't file for divorce for one year)

Also check out whether you'd get a better settlement if you're not working.

I'd despise any woman going into a relationship wanting to screw a man over, but in this situation you've brought up his kids - time to maximise the outcome for their sakes.

Forget expecting anything from him. You don't even like him. Tell him it's been such a fuck up that in future you want £500, you'll buy yourself things. Or amount relevant to income. Then stash for when you leave.

Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 21:13

And why haven't you sorted out your broken tooth?

SylvanianCaracal · 30/07/2015 21:14

As MNers often point out, being married puts you in a stronger position financially, to get a fair share of the value of the home and so on. So at least there's that. It sounds upside down, but if you do want to leave him at some point it's a plus that you're married.

I definitely agree with getting a job, it will be very good for your sense of self-worth and perspective, could help you make new friends and get a vantage point on all this.

achieve6 · 30/07/2015 21:15

if you got married last week, can you get an annulment?

Can you stay with a friend or relative?

ABTwife · 30/07/2015 21:16

You wouldn't be the only woman to leave who had no money or savings. Of course it wouldn't be easy but it can be done and it has been done by numerous women before you and will be done by numerous women after you.

He's a solicitor so has a good income with which to support his children whether they live with him or not.

Or stay if you really feel it's too hard to leave. It is a choice you have. But know that he'll never change and really, why would he?.

We'd like to think everyone is good and loving and appreciate what they have but a lot of people just don't. And the last few years have shown him that he can treat you with disregard and you'll still be there. In fact, you'll marry him.

So he can give you popcorn for your birthday and shrug his shoulders that you're crying. Because he knows you'll still be there. He knows he can not give a shit and you'll buy him presents and love him and support him and raise his kids and look after his house. Why would he put any more effort in when he knows you'll still be there whatever he does?.

You deserve more OP and your children deserve more too. Flowers

woowoo22 · 30/07/2015 21:17

If you have no income there is the safety net of the welfare system, and CAB would be able to help you find out what you are entitled to. If you do get a job then tax credits can top up your income.

You seem dreadfully unhappy but unwilling to do anything about it? Ie you can't leave/you'll have no husband.

Do you feel like you need to keep up appearances? That's partly what kept me trapped in my abusive marriage for so long. I can tell you 100% that people gossip for approx. 20 seconds then no one gives a shiny flip once the "news" that you've split up is out. People are flightly.

crustsaway · 30/07/2015 21:20

If that's significant in his eyes then it would be the best present ever. You've just got married and spent a damn fortune on that. If he's a shit then why on earth did you marry him in the first place?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 30/07/2015 21:22

I haven't had my tooth fixed because I don't have any spare cash to do so. Depressing as that is.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/07/2015 21:25

Ok, so OP has married him. That may well not have been the best decision, but it's not helpful to berate her for that at the moment. Just pointless. She won't be the first person to enter into a sticking-plaster marriage, and sadly won't be the last.

Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 21:25

You don't earn, so his salary is all the income. You said earlier that in getting a present, money wasn't the problem.

So you go and get your tooth fixed.

Is he going to tell you that you can't?

If so, there's your second example of unreasonable behaviour since I've been reading your thread.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/07/2015 21:26

Then you are being financially abused also Only .

justmyview · 30/07/2015 21:27

This goes way deeper than the popcorn present.

Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 21:28

I think when you have 3 kids, want to split up, and he's an arse that marrying him wasn't a bad thing to do, from a practical point of view.
Yes, it'll cost money to divorce him in a year, but not as much as she'll gain for her children's security as a result.

Question is, how to keep going until divorce?

I'd start by not expecting anything on your birthday. Insist on cash.

eggyface · 30/07/2015 21:28

OP would he not pay for your tooth to be fixed if you are the sahp and he is earning? You know this is not a good relationship or marriage in that case. That's totally, totally not on. Can you try women's aid or other support networks to make a plan to get out?

SylvanianCaracal · 30/07/2015 21:33

Yes if he has a generous income and you can't afford necessary dental treatment, and you're married, that's really terrible. You don't earn, because you have been raising his kids, that is the contribution you have brought in recent years and in return you should have access to the money, which is not his money, it;s family money.

If you're living a life where you're personally skint while he's personally wealthy, he is financially abusing you. The good news is divorce (if and when you're ready) will force him to cough up.

I think it would really help you to start reading up on financial abuse, emotional abuse etc, contact women's aid, talk to CAB about your potential options etc., all in secret of course. You don't have to "decide to leave" but you can lay the groundwork for what you would do and it will help you to feel stronger and less controlled by him. You do have an out, it will be waiting for you anytime you are ready to take it. Biding your time, if that's what you want to do, won't change that. I'd get school under way, get a job, change the dynamic a little and check out all your options.

BMW6 · 30/07/2015 21:37

Why isn;t he paying to fix your tooth ?????? Shock WTF

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 30/07/2015 21:43

He's gone to bed with the kids.

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. What a fucking waste of a day. Again.

OP posts:
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