To think some things should be kept private (warning upsetting)

[ReginaBlitz]

I was scrolling down newsfeed on fb and a "friend" had shared a post it was a picture of a one day old baby that had passed away, with the headline please share to say Thankyou to the staff of such and such hospital, this was posted by the baby's dad. Obviously this is awful and the parents are going through hell, but I think this is so inappropriate. I think photos like this should be private not shared by randoms all over Facebook it's upsetting (yes I know it's upsetting having it happen) but why not use a photo of her alive I am actually in shock it's seriously got to me and can't imagine how someone this has happened to would feel seeing these pictures. So Aibu to think these photos should be kept private?

Then I guess your thread isn't really an aibu really.

Yes I can understand how and why you were shaken up and upset by them, I really do, especially if you've had a 'near miss'.

I guess the simple answer is people will deal with these things in very different ways. You may feel that if it happened to you those pics would be too private, that's fair enough (although I still hold you never know how you will react until it's you) but for this family it was important.

Yes I find it odd that loads of people have shared it but I find it odd that people do the same with photos of cancer patients etc.

I do understand why they wanted recognition for those that cared for them. I cannot remember the midwives and docs who delivered dd1. I know every name and face of the midwives and docs that delivered dd2, I cannot put into words how grateful I am to them. I guess this is one families way of trying to say thanks.

Well yes, 'shut the fuck up' aimed at a woman who has lost a child on a thread about loss is childish.

You could have had a conversation about the issues, lots of people posted interesting views.
But to fail to anticipate that your thread may bring upset comments from mothers who lost a child doesn't really stand as a monument to sympathy.

Pag where has expat said she lost a child apologies if I missed that as using phone. And I did consider that people that have lost children would read the thread I don't actually see where I've been insensitive, defensive yes as I'm not being called some of the things I have on this thread.

A timely link to our talk guidelines for those who may need them and a reminder that if there's one thing we can ALL do with, it's some moral support
Thanks ever so

And that's the thing kitty, they wanted to say thanks to the staff I just don't see how getting everyone to share is doing that. Surely a card would be a more personal thing. If there was a message of awareness on the picture I could probably understand it a bit more as well but nothing.

My parents felt they had to keep the only pictures they had of my brother in a box because of how other people may have felt or reacted.

They weren't able have the pictures of their much wanted, much cherished, much missed son where other people could see them because of other people's opinions on what they should do, how those photos should be treated, that they should be 'sacred and private' (to quote the OP).

That extended into not talking about my brother because other people expressed that it made them feel uncomfortable, not displaying their grief because other people thought they should be over it. It was all about the other people. And it was terrible.

Fuck that.

OP - it really, really about you and your feelings. It just isn't. And it shouldn't be. And it's massively presumptuous to be opining on what others should do and how they should experience their grief.

She has. I thought, as you made rude comments about her always being joyless or whatever it was, you recognised her name.

Look, I don't really care tbh. My post on this was way back and I said I'm uncomfortable with the idea of the post being sent with the intent of becoming a viral thing.
I'm just saying, having read the latest comments, you seem quite intent on being a victim on a thread that you started, because women who have lost a child are upset with you It's as if you had prepared that they might be distressed but were unprepared for the fact that they might be angry

After my baby died, I found it extremely difficult to see pictures of people's living newborns on facebook. It reinforced daily the enormity of what we as a family had lost.
I recognised that this was my issue due to what I had experienced. I never once felt that these happy people shouldn't share their new babies. I distanced myself from Facebook around the time the babies were due as I knew I would find it difficult to deal with.

Yes a card may be more personal but I can also understand their want to have their baby and the hospital recognised.

I wonder if what thy actually wanted to do was just share a photo of their much loved baby but felt they would have been judged so have put it up with a reason, being they want to thank the staff.

It's such a personal choice, just because you wouldn't do it (or so you say, you might feel differently if it were you) doesn't mean it's wrong or they should be stopped from doing it

Kitty and Teal, you may well have hit the nail on the head about wanting to share their child and needing a 'reason'. That crossed my mind as well.

This family are in the devastatingly intense, confusing, mind numbing bubble which is early grief. No one can say for sure the decisions they may or may not make during this time, when it is not them it is happening to. This family deserve our respect and support for the choice they have made to share their baby. Not criticism or the insinuation that by sharing they are not being respectful to their baby's memory.

Comparing my feelings to those of the parents isn't the point

But, Regina, that's repeatedly what you are doing! You're making this all about you and your reactions. You're being totally insensitive to what other people are saying on this thread - including people who have lost children.

Some of them on this thread, I'm not going to name them personally, post photographs of their dead children on Facebook regularly. For them it's a way of grieving, as well as keeping their memories alive - and sharing them with their Facebook friends.

Why shouldn't they do this if it helps them? What right do you (or anyone else) to tell them that they shouldn't do this? That they should choose to grieve in a way that suits you?

You were lucky - your baby didn't die. Have some empathy for those people whose babies didn't survive.

I'd also consider if Facebook is the place for you.

Well I haven't seen anything like this on Facebook before I unfortunately have to use Facebook. And as for making this about me, I didn't start the thread about a baby dying I started it about wether these pictures should be shown, two separate discussions really so yes I am mentioning my feelings towards things as that really was what the thread is about wether it be my feelings or others about it. I am not trying to turn what has happened to the baby about me at all, im talking about the sharing of a photo

Why shouldn't they be shown Regina?

Imagine having to live in a world where your child is ignored, the mere mention of them makes people feel uncomfortable and you aren't allowed to show any love or feelings about your child. I have seen people physically recoil when I mention my children's names, if they come to my house and see the pictures I have up they shuffle and look away.

Bereaved parents are made to feel ashamed of loving their child, we aren't allowed to talk about birth weights and labour and what our children looked like.

Can't you see that you are contributing to that feeling? And you think you have done nothing to warrent some of the bad feeling you have got.

You, and a huge proportion of society want bereaved parents to sit down, shut up and not inflict our children on everyone else. That's why you are getting a negative reaction.

So, if the thread had reached a nice tidy conclusion that you are right, these pictures shouldn't "be shown" (why the passive construction? You mean that the parents shouldn't show them, surely?), then anyone reading it would know in future, if they had the terrible misfortune to lose a child, exactly how to go about things the right way to avoid upsetting you as you sit at home with your child. Excellent.

I wasn't saying they shouldn't show them. Just not to every random going. I wouldn't expect an Aibu to reach a nice tidy conclusion in my favour tbh as that isn't the point of Aibu i wanted to know others feelings on this not get personally attacked and told I'm lucky I have my baby. If I chose not to see certain things then that's my choice.

You are lucky to have your baby. That's why you can't see this from a bereaved parents point of view.

You could at least try though.

regina. It was one of your FB friends who shared the picture with you - not the parents.

Why are you blaming strangers for upsetting you, when it was the action of someone you have chosen to be your FB friend that has upset you?

Duck if anything of a sensitive nature happened to me I would keep it between me and my family as yes I would be worried about upsetting people etc. Where did I say bereaved parents should shut up? Surely that's what support groups, fb pages etc dedicated to things like this are for though? So they can talk and share photos and experiences with other people that have been through the same and relate to. Sharing with God knows who over fb isn't constructive imo.

I didn't start the thread about a baby dying I started it about wether these pictures should be shown

How can you separate the two??

A baby has died and this is how it's parents are grieving. Only in a selfish bubble could you talk about weather these pictures should be shown without thinking about why they've been shown.

Regina I think what you're not getting is that your opinion doesn't form the rule.

"I don't like seeing these images on Facebook, they upset me" - perfectly valid, your feelings are your feelings and there are ways to deal with that (hide the image / unfriend the person who shares such images / don't use Facebook), but that doesn't make it wrong for those images to be there in the first place.

"These images shouldn't be shared on Facebook" - invalid; you aren't the arbiter of what is or isn't "appropriate" and your opinion isn't the only one or the most important one or the decisive one.

You really want to re-post this in
'I am right and I don't care what anyone else thinks'

You are not listening or engaging with any opinion other than your own. Perhaps a blog would suit you better.

Why should parents only refer to their children in support groups?

You are pretty much saying shut up. You are silencing us, compartmenting us into a little corner of the Internet labelled 'bereaved parents only'. Well newsflash, it can happen to anyone. Not just older mums, not just carriers of genetic illnesses, not just people who don't look after themselves in pregnancy. Bereaved parents are normal people, just like you. Their babies are loved little people, just like yours, with hopes, dreams, potential futures.

Why should a bereaved parent consider the 'people they are upsetting' more than the 'people they are upsetting' consider the bereaved parent.

OK, reality can be upsetting. But for many, this is their reality whether you like it or not.

Jesus Christ it is beyond me how many people there are out there whose first reaction to something upsetting is 'eew, horrible, make it go away so I don't have to deal with that' rather than 'gosh, how awful for the poor people ACTUALLY affected by it, blimey, if this is how I feel just reading about it how awful must it be for them.'

I'm normally first in line to condemn Facebook oversharing but YUBVVVU. That photo is probably the only one they have of her. Can you really not imagine in that darkest place of their lives that being able to share a photo might be one tiny tiny step they have towards feeling like they haven't been denied absolutely everything a new parent normally does?? Why should they be expected to hide away in shame and fear of upsetting people?

Fgs. I have never been in that situation and I am pregnant now. Shame on people saying they're pregnant and don't want to be exposed to something so upsetting. It's not about you.