To think some things should be kept private (warning upsetting)

[ReginaBlitz]

I was scrolling down newsfeed on fb and a "friend" had shared a post it was a picture of a one day old baby that had passed away, with the headline please share to say Thankyou to the staff of such and such hospital, this was posted by the baby's dad. Obviously this is awful and the parents are going through hell, but I think this is so inappropriate. I think photos like this should be private not shared by randoms all over Facebook it's upsetting (yes I know it's upsetting having it happen) but why not use a photo of her alive I am actually in shock it's seriously got to me and can't imagine how someone this has happened to would feel seeing these pictures. So Aibu to think these photos should be kept private?

Expat Really?! Look at how I have written it "we" means everyone "we" as people

Yes, really, because, as you can see, not all people agree with you, quite a few just on this thread, for that matter . For having a new baby, you have a lot of time on your hands to heap scorn on this person and argue. Congratulations, you must be a real dynamo of energy.

Garlick says "we need to see dead people" on her post and it is meant in the same context it's a figure of speech!

'People eating meat is a normal everyday thing and seeing this can't be avoided.'

People dying everyday is a normal thing to, which also cannot be avoided, a certainty for all.

To those saying its the parent's choice to share the photo. Would it also be OK if I shared a photo of my Mam who died? She was 68 and a mother to 7 children and 17 grandchildren.

I'm in another time zone. Just sitting down to a cold glass of wine, the heat is blistering here! Wee spot on MNing whilst I cool down a bit.

Lucy I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with it but it is VERY different. Presumably you have many, many pictures of your DM while she was alive and well, those who experience a stillbirth or death shortly after birth don't have that privilege.

Personally I don't find this picture inappropriate but there are many other triggers on social media and life in general that can send me to a dark place, things that you would never expect if this hadn't happened to you. I've tried looking at this from another perspective, it's difficult as your view on life is so clouded after losing a child. Perhaps if things had ended differently for me and I found myself at home sleep deprived for a different (much nicer) reason I would have found this picture more inappropriate, as a PP said it's a reminder of the fragility of life and I don't think anyone 'wants' to see a picture like this.

Regina It is very sad and I don't think anyone is being unreasonable to find it upsetting but I do think UABVU to go on a public forum to criticize the parents so openly, they are going through hell. I also find it a little that you have only offered sympathies to the one poster who agreed with you despite many posters offering their view and experience on such an emotive subject.

I'm going to leave this topic now as I feel I have said my piece so won't comment further.

That's weird. I said that I doubted it was the baby's father who wanted to spread the picture and it was more likely a sicko who got off on the idea of getting a load of random people to do it instead. That is indeed, sadly, a thing. And it got moderated. I can't see what was illegal, personal, racist, sexist, homophobic, trollish or spamming about that.

Lucy, I wouldn't have a problem with that either. I'm very sorry to hear about your mam. I would be surprised, as it would be unusual when you have lots of pictures of someone alive. But in no way would I think it wrong. I find this one of the most shocking threads I've read on MN. I cannot believe that so many people could possibly want to deny these parents the right to share their beautiful baby with the world in one way which is left available to them.

You say you're a sensitive little flower who can't cope with seeing a picture of someone's child, however rarely have I seen a poster so hard faced as you. Many, many bereaved parents have come on here to give their view, shared their heartbreak and pain in an effort to make you understand what we go through and you couldn't give a shit.

'It smacks of 'Someone's precious child has died, but look how it impacts me'.

You have your baby, you have all your hopes and dreams, your child is there in your arms, you have a lifetime with your child and happy memories already, and many more to come. Bereaved parents have some photos, maybe a teddy or an outfit. For those of us who's child died at or shortly after birth we have no happy memories at all.

Can you try, just for a second, to understand how it feels to have this hugely devestating thing happen, for your whole life to be consumed by pain that never goes away, having to remind yourself to breath in the morning because you just don't want to live anymore, but then when you try to talk about your much loved child people look away, shuffle uncomfortably or change the subject, that's if they speak to you at all.

Bereaved parents get none of the 'normal' side of parenting, and we have a fight on our hands to have our children acknowledged by a world who would rather we just forget about our children in an effort to make people who already have it all fell better.

You don't get how it feels, I understand that, and you are very lucky that you don't get how it feels. But you aren't even trying to see another side of this at all.

I didn't like it. My dn was stillborn. Died at 40 weeks and delivered the next day.
it's the discolouration that upset me. Plus all the random weirdos that friend requested him after.
I know that as i always backtrack through the linked post to see if it's true or child found etc ( you know this missing child/lost dog)
It's now brought back the memories of my neice and.how I had nightmares for weeks about her in her coffin
saying that, if it helps them, it does. Doesn't help me. That's irrelevant really but I didn't want to see it

I've read the first couple of pages and I'll go back and read the rest but I couldn't read any further without commenting.

OP you are being VVV unreasonable. And so are many others on this thread.

6 years ago last week I gave birth to my second child, a beautiful baby girl. I held her, slept with her in my arms. I washed her, dressed her, sang to her, loved her. The next morning I had to leave her at the hospital as she was not alive. And several days after that I buried her, and the world moved on without her.

The world moved on without her.

I have seen the pic, to me the child in the pic is beautiful. Not shocking, not awful, not distressing or terrible, a beautiful beautiful little angel, whose parents love very much, who wake up every morning to the sudden realisation that this nightmare is their reality.

So the photo may have upset you, distressed you in that moment, you may have thought about it for the the day. But this family will think about this baby every day for the rest of their lives.

Baby loss is a taboo. A taboo that needs to be broken. People need to feel able to share their babies without feeling they should hide them away. I have shared my daughter on social media, I hang her photo on my wall. She happened, she was, she remains a part of me, the same as my living children.

The family in question has chosen to share their baby and by doing so has shared a tiny part of what they go through each day. Please, show compassion not judgement.

The OP has a warning in her thread title, and on mumsnet we are very big on placing trigger warnings in threads to support other mumsnetters. I think that is were fb is so different - there is no choice about what you see. And there is an infinite amount of suffering in the world to be exposed to (though most of it would never be shown on Facebook).

OP someone you are FB friends with shared this picture, which is why it appeared on your FB wall, am I right?

There are loads of things posted on FB that would upset or anger me - but my FB friends don't share them, because I'm selective about who I'm friends with on FB.

This isn't about a grieving families choices - it's about your poor choice of friends on FB. If a friend in RL had shown you a book of photos that included dead babies/children, what would you say to that friend? Cull your FB friends to those who are like-minded - so that you are not exposed to things that upset you.

I wouldn't share the photo's of my own children on Facebook. We lost a son to stillbirth and a daughter to prematurity.

We were not allowed to take photographs of our son, but if we had photographs of him I still wouldn't put them on Facebook.

When our daughter was born the hospital camera wasn't working. We'd gone in as an emergency and so didn't have our own camera. We have a couple of blurry pictures of her when she was alive and some more taken after she died, when DH went home and fetched our camera. He couldn't go before that, because they thought I was dying as well and he needed to be with me, and then when she was born we didn't want to miss a minute of her life by leaving her.

She looks beautiful in those photo's, like she's asleep, and if you weren't told she had died you wouldn't know it. I still wouldn't share her picture.

I wouldn't share the photo's because there are some sick and cruel people out there who would use them, either to claim as their own or to poke fun at the baby, and there are people who would complain as you are doing OP.

I think you are being unreasonable.

That man is posting in grief and gratitude. It may not be what you or I would choose to do, but it's obviously something he felt he needed to do.

Parents who lose a baby often want to talk about their child and share the few photo's they do have. It's their choice to do so and your choice to hide the photo if you don't want to look at it.

But don't come at them with "should do this" and "shouldn't do that" because it's hurtful and it's only your opinion. You might be posting things that they find equally upsetting.

I've seen far worse on Facebook. Most recently a friend shared a picture of a dog that someone had tricked into chasing a lit firework. As the dog picked it up, it exploded and in the photograph the dog is still alive, with the left side of it's mouth missing, covered in blood and looking very distressed and in a lot of pain. I think I'd describe the look on it's face as total misery. God knows what other injuries it had or if it survived. I have no idea because I hid the photo almost as soon as I saw it.

I understand why my friend shared the picture. He's very passionate about his own dogs, he hates any sort of cruelty. I agree with him. I hope whoever did that to the dog suffers long and hard, and I don't think I'd care if someone did the same thing to them as they did to that poor dog. But I couldn't look at that photo or read the article, I found it very distressing. I had to hide it.

I'd rather see the picture you described, of a baby that was loved and cared for in it's very short life, and a message of gratitude to the people who gave that family a little bit of time to say goodbye.

Why does expat have to be a 'joy' on this thread?

And 'grow the fuck up' sounds pretty childish tbh

It seems to me that putting a warning in the title should perform 2 functions, not one.

I think putting trigger warning might serve as a heads up to those posting who have experienced this type of loss.
But it should also be a warning to those who have no experience that they will have to manage posts from those directly affected.
Does that make sense?

You can't just put 'trigger warning' and then expect a discussion on a par with a chat about breakfast cereal.

If you raise this topic you have to have the integrity to respect the emotions you have chosen to raise.

Well said Pag I couldn't agree more.

You clearly don't think you were BU and you have been quite aggressive on this thread. What was the point apart from to bleat on about how you feel?!

Clucking you post has had me sobbing!

You have said exactly how I feel in much better words, thank you.

Baby loss is taboo because it's scary and people think if they don't think about it, talk about it, acknowledge it then it won't happen to them.

I am actually sorry for anyone on this thread that has lost a child. Maybe some find it inappropriate and selfish that I started the thread but at the time I had just seen the picture and was very shaken up. Comparing my feelings to those of the parents isn't the point. Without going into to much detail I was rushed into hospital and had my baby weeks early, due to complications I have me and my baby could have died. So maybe this is why the photo affected me, maybe this is why I can't get the photo out of my head. Yes I was lucky I know that, and I suppose any anger and upset lies with the strangers sharing a photo of a baby of a family they don't even know. If it was just the family that had shared it then I and others wouldn't have ever seen it. And if shut the fuck up makes me sound immature then so be it but I'm not having someone tell me I should be spending time with my baby instead of answering the thread. Some people's comments are uncalled for tbh I asked for opinions not to get personal. I don't think the question itself is unreasonable I just wanted to get me head around why pictures that to me would be sacred and personally to just me and my family would be allowed to become public property.