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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some things should be kept private (warning upsetting)

283 replies

ReginaBlitz · 28/07/2015 00:06

I was scrolling down newsfeed on fb and a "friend" had shared a post it was a picture of a one day old baby that had passed away, with the headline please share to say Thankyou to the staff of such and such hospital, this was posted by the baby's dad. Obviously this is awful and the parents are going through hell, but I think this is so inappropriate. I think photos like this should be private not shared by randoms all over Facebook it's upsetting (yes I know it's upsetting having it happen) but why not use a photo of her alive I am actually in shock it's seriously got to me and can't imagine how someone this has happened to would feel seeing these pictures. So Aibu to think these photos should be kept private?

OP posts:
GameOfGroans · 28/07/2015 00:43

Mutt does that mean it's also ok to share a picture of a dead adult or older child?

Of course some people are going to find the image distressing! Shouldn't we be able to choose whether to view or not?

DrLego · 28/07/2015 00:43

You're being unreasonable. That's a photograph of their child. Sorry if it put you off your cornflakes but I think it's 17 babies are stillborn each day in the UK - they're grieving and they're raising awareness. You don't have to engage with it.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 28/07/2015 00:48

How is it different to the millions of new born photos that get posted every day, usually with a "mother and baby are doing fine" message? Those pictures could also end up anywhere outside of the parents' control, but I haven't seen many suggesting that no one should post these (though plenty choose not to do so, of course)

Original poster
ReginaBlitz · 28/07/2015 00:49

Exactly game.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReginaBlitz · 28/07/2015 00:53

Closer, people don't post photos of their newborns asking everyone to share the image though. So this is different and it's not actually raising awareness of anything as there is no description of an illness etc just a Thankyou to staff

OP posts:
DrLego · 28/07/2015 00:55

should they be ashamed?
never speak about their child?
never share their experience?
so sorry it made your cotton wool existence a bit different momentarily
unfriend them then
that's what most people do with bereaved parents - attitudes like yours make the world much harder for them
it's not catching you know
I'm sure it wasn't a gruesome image. It was their child.

summerainbow · 28/07/2015 00:57

I have seen this image too .
Didn't like one little bit as the child parents were not friends of mine .
The image is being share around the world by pertect stangers it will be in the daily mail next .

DrLego · 28/07/2015 00:57

This is their child. This is how they are remembering their child. This is how they are showing their thanks. If you don't agree with the image, don't share it. But certainly don't judge them for loving their child, who was sadly with them too briefly. Children die and we as a whole are terrible at talking about it. They shouldn't feel ashamed. I actually hope you unfriend them you don't sound like a very nice friend to have.

manicinsomniac · 28/07/2015 00:59

Closer - because those photos will only be seen by people who are connected with them on facebook. This photo could potentially be seen by anybody in the entire world.

manicinsomniac · 28/07/2015 01:01

And so many of these photos aren't real or are years old or are posted without permission or aren't the person who the info says they are that, unless you know the family personally, it really should be making you uncomfortable.

Original poster
ReginaBlitz · 28/07/2015 01:02

They aren't a friend, a friend that doesn't know them had shared it. No one is saying they shouldn't Grieve my personal opinion is things like this should be private between family and friends.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 28/07/2015 01:05

I saw the photo earlier (seems lots of us on this thread have and not sure were connected).

It isnt what I would do, but if it brings peace to the parents then thats up to them

DrLego · 28/07/2015 01:06

Then it's raising awareness. I'm sure their precious baby looks asleep.

HirplesWithHaggis · 28/07/2015 01:08

I saw that picture too - (sorry, but yes, obviously dead, not sleeping) baby in a Moses basket, with a picture of the parents (in happier days) in the basket with it? I haven't a clue who these people are, I'm sorry for their loss but can't see how it benefits them that I saw it.

It didn't affect me particularly, other than to think "How sad", but I can imagine that others going through difficult pregnancies might feel differently. I had the impression that they knew their baby would die, which must be horrific, and had been given exceptional care by hospital staff.

The Victorians were quite keen on photos of the dead, maybe it's something that'll become more fashionable again. We already have people taking (and publishing) photos at funerals, it's only one step further.

AllTheFluffyAnimals · 28/07/2015 01:10

I read the day they spent with their baby as after the baby had died. It's normal I think that parents and sometimes other family members are encouraged to hold, talk to, take pictures etc of their baby after death. I think I even read about heated cribs to keep the baby warm.

Some people want the entire world to see how beautiful their child is. The baby is beautiful if it is the one I saw. I didn't share because I don't know them or have any connection, but I did pause to look at the lovely baby and how much she is loved, and to notice how much she looks like my Dd1 did at that age. Dd1 is thankfully a beautiful, clever and kind 8 year old who I am priveleged to know as a person, never mind to be the mother of. I share plenty of photos and things she has done with friends and family - they won't get that. Maybe they want to make the most of that one photo.

DrLego · 28/07/2015 01:14

My worry would be what would happen with the picture once some idiot prankster gets hold of it later on which is possible Sad But I think to be personally affronted by it is just precious, unpleasant and lacks compassion/ grounding in the real world entirely.

Tapirbackrider · 28/07/2015 01:15

YABU.

And you know it.

Whatever your thoughts and feelings are about this, it is nothing compared to what the parents of that child are going through, and will continue to go through for days, months, and years afterwards.

In my own experience, a child dying before, during, or just after birth is mourned for by family and friends of the family, and is then rarely mentioned again. It may give these poor parents some small comfort to know that there are other people out there who remember, even briefly, their child, and how much they appreciated all that was done for them during this horrendous time.

And let us not doubt that it is an horrendous time; losing a child leaves a great gaping hole where your heart once lived, and the world is grey and entirely without joy or colour.

It is the last great taboo IMO, and one that needs to be shattered for all our sakes.

1944girl · 28/07/2015 01:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ReginaBlitz · 28/07/2015 01:32

1044 that's so sadSad but the picture is yours and it's something sacred to you which is my point.

OP posts:
Imlookingatboats · 28/07/2015 01:32

The way I read the op was that the bereaved family posted a pic, and a friend then shared it. Is that right?

Posting it? That's the parents' right, I assume they know their audience. I think then one of their friends sharing it is not appropriate. I certainly wouldn't - it's not my child, after all.

I felt privileged to be able to see photos of a friend's 4 year old child after succumbing to cancer. She asked if I wanted to see them and I said yes. The saddest thing I've ever seen, but I'm glad she thought enough of me to share them.

I'm feeling a bit shaken after inadvertently looking at some awful video footage of a woman who was crushed to death at the top of some escalators - the floor collapsed and she managed to throw her child to safety before hanging on for a few moments and then falling to her death. It was caught on security cameras. I didn't read the headline properly and I thought it was a near miss. It's horrific, and I can't understand why news agencies would think it was ok.

Original poster
ReginaBlitz · 28/07/2015 01:35

Imlooking, no a friend who doesn't know them shared it, it seems to just be being shared by randoms over fb

OP posts:
Imlookingatboats · 28/07/2015 01:38

Well then, I agree with you.

HirplesWithHaggis · 28/07/2015 01:42

Imlooking, the bereaved dad posted the picture and specifically asked for it to be shared, which is why/how it turned up on my timeline (I have no idea who they are) and on the OP's.

I have no problem with the parents wanting to share the picture with family and friends, and as other have stated pics when she was alive would have included all sorts of tubes etc.

But it's a bit, um, odd to suddenly be confronted with a picture of a totally unknown, unrelated dead baby, and I can see why the Op was discombobulated.

Imlookingatboats · 28/07/2015 01:49

It's difficult, there's no right way to behave when you're grieving. I know that.

I just feel like the more it's shared, the further away from the parents' page.... the more it's diluted, you know? It becomes a click/share, followed by a glance and a 'hmmm, that's sad', click/share...oh look there's a funny cat video....

HirplesWithHaggis · 28/07/2015 02:04

I agree. But I suppose if the parents can take some consolation that howevermanyfolk shared (and therefore saw, and "cared about" for five seconds their baby) the photo, it helps them? Ach, ultimately idk. I didn't like the picture turning up on my fb, but it didn't really affect me so... Confused

I'd not like to see such photos becoming common, though, awareness-raising or not. I'm not quite sure how raising awareness that babies sometimes die at, before, or just after birth actually helps anyone, it's hardly hidden info and cannot possibly lead to a reduction in the numbers.