To think some things should be kept private (warning upsetting)

[ReginaBlitz]

I was scrolling down newsfeed on fb and a "friend" had shared a post it was a picture of a one day old baby that had passed away, with the headline please share to say Thankyou to the staff of such and such hospital, this was posted by the baby's dad. Obviously this is awful and the parents are going through hell, but I think this is so inappropriate. I think photos like this should be private not shared by randoms all over Facebook it's upsetting (yes I know it's upsetting having it happen) but why not use a photo of her alive I am actually in shock it's seriously got to me and can't imagine how someone this has happened to would feel seeing these pictures. So Aibu to think these photos should be kept private?

Grays you are right about trigger warnings.

Summerrainbow, all the photos I have of my daughter were taken after she died. Do you really think I shouldn't be able to show them to others?

Blimey, you sound as if you think sticking to what you think is admirable.

I'm much prefer listening and learning from the experiences of others. It's one of the best things about MN.
I've learnt a little about grief on here from Mrs de verse and expat and too many others and I'm very grateful

Mind you, Aibu posts seem to be from people who are really fixed in their views. It's kind of ironic .

mrsDeVere

"Wow I amazed at how many people think it is OK to post picture of dead bodies on your Facebook feed."

summerainbow I'm amazed at how many people think its okay to post insensitively worded comments like yours.

With such a hard faced comment as that, I doubt the photo's of somebody's baby would bother you in the slightest.

OP your experience may be clouding your judgement on this, so perhaps you'd be better working on the issues your experience has caused, rather than judge what other parents should to do with their very precious photographs.

I said before, I wouldn't put my photographs on Facebook, not to spare someone else's feelings, but to protect my children from abuse by others. God knows they've had enough of that from a family member who you'd expect to actually care about them.

Your opinion is just that. Your opinion. It doesn't make it right, and it doesn't mean you have to share it with the world. If you can't empathise with the reasons why those parents felt the need to post what is obviously a treasured photograph of their child, hide it and move on, but try to think how sharing your opinion of what they should do and why you don't want to see it might affect them or others like them as well.

I have nothing to add to the discussion at hand except to off we my condolences and thoughts to everyone who has lost a child. I am so sorry for your losses. Reading the first hand experiences here has made me cry so hard. for you all.

Offer*

No Reg I don't expect you to blindly agree. Anyone with an ounce of compassion in them would conceded that, although they don't like to see images of people's children, they now understand the reasons and will now just click to hide the pictures rather than mention them again and thank people for sharing their very personal thoughts with you in an effort to help you understand.

I suspect you will carry in with your opinions and defensiveness and not even try to see another view though.

They have a FB page. They share what they like on it. If FB found the photo offensive, it would be removed. It hasn't been. You don't like it, OP. Okay, that's fine. Doesn't make your opinion correct. But by all means, continue to spend as much time as you like flaming them and others and telling people to shut the fuck up, grow the fuck up, reporting nonsense, etc, rather than enjoying your newborn after you were rushed to hospital with complications. It says more about you than them.

My mind still boggles at that.

'Where did I say bereaved parents should shut up? Surely that's what support groups, fb pages etc dedicated to things like this are for though? So they can talk and share photos and experiences with other people that have been through the same and relate to. '

And you truly don't see how that is telling people who have lost a child what they should do and how they should behave on FB?

My daughter was here for 9 years. I share her and memories of her on my FB. My page. If friends don't like it, they can unfollow or block me. It's very simple. Don't see why I should moderate my page for the potential benefit of people who are supposed to be my friends. Or them for my benefit.

And there's no way to dictate what is 'constructive' to whom. Quite a few people post photos of themselves breastfeeding. Some think this should be 'private' and covered up. Others don't. FB went round deleting those photos and others protested. Now they stay up.

Expat are you photo public ? So they can be shared ? You know once you have posted the photo face book owns and it can go anywhere in world
Of course you post whatever Facebook says you post on your page .
And if Facebook says dead body's are fine but breastfeeding are not fine again or women with out breast are not . Then is what face book says.

Any body that post of photo of child on face book is fool if they don't hace their setting a maximum privately.

One of the experiences That many new parents enjoy is hearing complete strangers tell them how beautiful their baby is.

Complete strangers peep into the pram and say something lovely.

Bereaved parents never experience that. Social media has given these parents an alternative way to share their baby with the world.

I doubt expat gives a rats arse Summer.

she doesn't post them anywhere other than on her own page

If the op has an issue with the photos on her feed it is with whoever sent them to her.

Other than that I'm not really sure what point you are trying to make.

Soz Expat - I shouldn't be replying before you. I'm sure you can respond to drivel all on your own.

Evening all. We don't want to have to remove this thread, in which several posters have shared their thoughts as well as precious memories of their children who have died, but we are aware it is upsetting people, understandably. Could we ask everyone to post thoughtfully and sensitively on this subject, bearing in mind that there are lots of parents active on this thread who have sadly lost their own children? We realise no one here wishes to deliberately upset anyone, of course, but what is simply a flippant comment to one person, may be a knife straight through the heart of another, and we're all here ultimately to offer support to one another.
Thank you.

This thread has made me view photos of stillborn babies in a completely different way. So to all the bereaved Mothers- thanks for posting.

and some people- ARE MISSING A FUCKING SENITIVITY CHIP

ah well, some people are nice and some people are cunts- c'est la vie

massive massive to those who have bravely shared. Thank You

Like we just said, "post thoughtfully and sensitively" please.

Why do people hide away and shy away from death? Whst is offensive about it - unless of course the baby was decomposing (sorry for the gruesomeness but the way some people are reacting, you honestly think this baby was!)
The baby looks asleep. She doesn't 'look' dead, unless death has a particular 'look' about it. If there had been no statement with the photo, I dare say many people wouldn't even realise the baby was dead. So maybe it isn't the fact the baby was dead that is the problem here. Mybe OP you have a personal problem and issue with death itself.
Those parents are probably proud, grateful and so in love with their baby girl - dead or alive - why shouldn't they share with the world 'their gorgeous, beautiful, little princess?
OP (and everyone who agree) you make out that this baby girl is a gruesome sight. And one final point - you can choose to delete the photo from your timeline and if you are so bothered by not being able to control what you see on FB, maybe you shouldn't be on it!

masking i wondered the same thing with my post up-thread.

I believe that this relatively new cultural expectation to be able to 'shy away, or hide away' from death, and be shielded from it's image, means that people now seem to hide away from having to face those who have not had the choice and have suffered that loss.

They don't want to see the grieving parents. No one knows what to say to them or where to look. Cross over the road and pretend you didn't see them. Put them in a support group where they can deal with each other is the best option; with ''Other People that can relate to them'', because goodness knows, we don't want to have to start relating with bereaved parents do we

masking and Epona as someone who has admitted to hiding the photo from my timeline, in my case it's because I spent many years working in an environment dealing with the aftermath of, amongst other things, murders. Part of my role involved dealing with scene-of-crime and autopsy photos and, tragically, sometimes the victims were children and even babies. It was an extremely harrowing job and I became progressively less psychologically equipped to deal with it, and ended up having a nervous breakdown. So seeing that photo unexpectedly and noting the discolouration which I instantly recognised took me back to a very dark place in my life and I'd prefer not to be reminded of it on a medium that I generally use for keeping in touch with friends and lighthearted 'downtime'.

That doesn't mean I compare my experience in any way, shape or form with what any of the bereaved parents who have so honestly and bravely shared their stories here have gone through, or that I think the parents were wrong to post it in the first place, or that I can't have empathy with their plight, or that I think this photo in and of itself was inappropriate or distasteful. Far from 'hiding away from death' I spent years being confronted with it day in day out; I've seen images that I will never, ever forget and I won't apologise for choosing to protect my mental health by hiding a photo in a situation where me as an individual seeing it or not isn't going to make any real difference to the parents as they're never going to know who has or hasn't seen it unless someone chooses to like, share or comment.

We had this thread some months ago and there was a poster who said she felt sorry for mothers of stillborn babies and all that, but goodness she didn't want to look at THAT while having her lunch or something. Delightful.

I am one of THOSE mothers.

I had eight blissful months of pregnancy never thinking anything would go wrong. I took my vitamins, exercised moderately, ate well, never missed an appointment at the hospital...

And then she just died. One day moving. Next day, nothing. No reason.

It probably won't happen to you. But I didn't think it could happen to me either.

We chose not to share her photo because of people like OP, because we didn't think she deserved to be the subject of thoughtless comments and disgusted faces from people lacking in the compassion, humanity and love she absolutely deserved.

Page that sounds truly horrific. I'm not surprised your mental health has suffered.

I also totally understand that you would want to hide images of still born babies. I'm sure logically you can separate a still born baby who is being loved and remembered by its parents and those photos you have seen, emotionally I imagine it's a very different story.

I understand your need to hide these photos and no look at them. However, I'm sure you also can empathise understand why the photos are put up and that it should be allowed if the parents feel it would help, being that you have a 'hide' option.

Again, I'm sorry you've had to witness such distressing images in your job.

Thank you Kitty and yes, re I'm sure you also can empathise understand why the photos are put up and that it should be allowed if the parents feel it would help, being that you have a 'hide' option I absolutely can, which is why at no point during this thread have I suggested they shouldn't have posted them or agreed with the OP on that point - quite the reverse, in fact. I was just responding to suggestions/implications that anyone who chose to hide the photos did so just because they found them distasteful or offensive or was burying their head in the sand about death, because that's not necessarily the case at all.