To think some things should be kept private (warning upsetting)

[ReginaBlitz]

I was scrolling down newsfeed on fb and a "friend" had shared a post it was a picture of a one day old baby that had passed away, with the headline please share to say Thankyou to the staff of such and such hospital, this was posted by the baby's dad. Obviously this is awful and the parents are going through hell, but I think this is so inappropriate. I think photos like this should be private not shared by randoms all over Facebook it's upsetting (yes I know it's upsetting having it happen) but why not use a photo of her alive I am actually in shock it's seriously got to me and can't imagine how someone this has happened to would feel seeing these pictures. So Aibu to think these photos should be kept private?

YABU OP, i'm sure the parents didn't want to upset anyone but instead wanted to share photos of a baby that was and is precious and has had such a huge impact in their lives. my friend had a stillborn baby nearly a year ago and as she is still coming to terms and grieving for her baby, she has lately shared a few photos of her baby on social media. I think that's nice that she wants and feels able to do that.

I saw this. I'm a bit conflicted.

I'll be honest, I didn't want to see it on my feed (my auntie shared it and she shares all kinds of stuff like that).

I do think that people should be able to grieve in whatever way they see fit. But at the same time... I do agree with what a pp said, that there might be a time those parents wish they hadn't let this photo be seen by thousands of people.

Sadly there are people out there that will exploit the deaths of children for their own benefit. (I've heard of fraudsters registering dead children on the electoral roll for the purposes of obtaining credit, for instance.) I'd hate for anything untoward to happen as a result of this image being made public.

I dunno. I hid it from my feed, so I won't see it again.

Wow I'm quite shocked that people think that I have made this about myself I'm not even getting into that one as it's insulting tbh. Everyone is entitled to an opinion on it mine is that everyone should have a choice on wether they see this photo. I wouldn't knowing go onto google and search for something like this so why should I or anyone else be made to see it. Sorry to the poster that has lost her baby and though it doesn't affect you, I have 2 family members who have been through this,and it would bring it back for them one is in a hospital and her family was ripped apart over the death of her week old son. A photo like this should be sacred and private.

I have lost two children. My dd was 2 weeks old when she died and my ds was 11 weeks old.

I don't find pictures of someone else's beautiful child distressing or distasteful at all.

I can also see why they did it. It's heartbreaking knowing that your child, who is as loved as any other child, will have no impact on the world. I really struggle when I fill out forms, writing cards, even getting family photos taken, and having to leave my children out. I can see why it would bring some comfort to them to make their child 'real' to other people, even for a few seconds.

When you have a healthy baby you are allowed to love them and be proud of them. It seems you aren't allowed to love or be proud or even acknowledge your child when they have died because it makes others (generally those who haven't lost a child) uncomfortable.

I feel honoured to see pictures bereaved parents choose to show, that's all they have of their child.

everyone should have a choice on wether they see this photo

Do your FB friends have "a choice" about whether they see your holiday pictures?
I don't see the difference (except that a person sharing a picture of their child who has died can be far more important, in the ways duckduck described above).
duckduck, I'm so very sorry to hear your lost your DD and DS.

"I didn't want to see it on my feed."

Those poor parents didn't want their child to die either. At least you can click the X in the corner in the screen.

OP, you're presuming to speak on behalf of your relatives which is just wrong of you. You don't have the right to decide, on behalf of all grieving parents, that this is wrong and should be kept private.

How many people on this thread have lost a child and told you you're wrong? It's not down to you how people grieve.

I think this thread is in poor taste the and incredibly insensitive. We had something very similar last year and iirc that one was deleted because of special little snowflakes, like you, OP, who felt that their feelings trumped those of grieving parents.

I can never decide how I feel about people posting pictures of their stillborn babies on FB. Part of me thinks it's a bit odd, other part of me thinks, why not?? Just because I personally wouldn't do it, doesn't mean that others shouldn't.

Posting stuff on Facebook is sort of the equivalent of previous generations sticking photographs on the mantlepiece in the front room; depending on your privacy settings it's the same as inviting someone round to your house and letting them nose over the end tables and wherever else you have photos displayed. Would I find it odd seeing this in someone's home? No, and if they invited me to look at it i'd feel privileged that they'd wanted to share that with me. I think Facebook removes that human element; if you were with someone you'd be able to hold their hand, your face would say way more than a line of text and an emoticon could. But some people maybe want that additional connection, especially from friends and family. Completely understandable.

What I don't understand is asking for the image to be shared beyond that circle of people you know. Maybe they want to shout from the rooftops, "This is my beautiful daughter, she counted, she existed", but you have to counter that with the image being potentially used for nefarious reasons. What happens to that image, who might use it for one of those, "If this image gets 1,000 likes-" things which has no connection to your original reasons for posting? Will it come up if someone googles "dead baby photograph"? I'm sorry to be crass, and I'm aware that these things aren't at the forefront of their minds at this time. But it would be heartbreaking if the decision to make the image go viral could cause further hurt down the line, maybe in many years time.

What the parents are going through doesn't need to be said as its pretty obvious. The point I was making is whether what they are going through should be kept between family and friends not plastered over thousands of randoms facebooks. Sorry if people think I'm a delicate flower or whatever maybe I am over sensitive when it comes to things like this having just had a baby but I've never seen anything like this before so I'm shock I suppose and some people are more hardy to things like this.

Regarding the poster up thread who asked why increasing knowledge of still birth is important as it can't prevent it. (I am paraphrasing)

Not everyone is aware that 17 babies a day are stillborn in the UK. This is a huge amount.

Some of these deaths are preventable- whether it be through more knowledge by mothers about what is normal movement (ie the count the kicks campaign), more knowledge by midwives and hospital staff about conditions so they can treat pregnant women properly and prevent preventable stillbirths, or not make mistakes during labour, and some stillbirths could become preventable if more research was done into conditions that cause them. So knowledge about stillbirths can help prevent them.

Knowledge about stillbirth can also help people when they suffer it personally. People will be happier to talk about it, to listen to the grieving parents talk about their child, to see pictures of the precious child. To talk about the child months, years or decades later on. The more stillbirth is talked about, the more people will feel able to talk about it. It needs to be talked about and shouldn't be taboo.

It could well be that some people are more 'hardy' to seeing images if children who have died

Or maybe some people have the ability to see past the end of their own nose. You have just had a baby, your child is there, in your arms, getting clucked over by strangers in the street, your relatives will be asking for updates on weight and crawling and sleep times etc, your baby will interact with kids at the park, will go to nursery, make friends, grow up, get married etc. Their baby is that picture you saw, that picture is all the impact their baby will make on the world. And you begrudge them that because you don't like it? Seriously get over yourself, you will have forgotten about it this time next week.

Yes, YABU

This is an emotive subject but Facebook is full of things people don't want to see, (many things I would find more distasteful thank this) but there is an option to hide such things from your news feed.

My daughter was sadly stillborn last year, we felt we had to 'announce' the news on FB to avoid the inevitable questions about an imminent arrival but chose not to add pictures. I actually think the parents in this story are very brave for doing so. I wanted to show everyone and anyone the precious pictures of my beautiful girl to acknowledge her existence and for the same reasons that parents of healthy newborns do, doesn't she have her Dad's ears, my nose and look at that darling little beauty spot in the exact same place as her dad.

17 babies are stillborn every day. That's shocking. I wish I had seen and heard more about stillbirth before having my daughter, I stupidly thought it to be such a 'Victorian' condition that the thought hadn't even entered my mind. A little more awareness could have changed how I dealt with it in those very early painful moments when I was too scared to hold or photograph her.

Please don't say what the parents are going through is 'pretty obvious', you can't possibly know what they are going trough even if you have personal experience of this. If this brings them a tiny bit of comfort then that's a wonderful thing, even if a few find it uncomfortable.

I saw this picture yesterday.

The only thing that went through my head was a question as to why they wanted it shared all over fb to thank the staff instead of sending a message or posting a thread direct to them. But that's because I don't understand any of that sharing stuff on FB, and would never do it.

The picture itself I thought was beautiful. She was like a China doll and so very pretty. I immediately thought of friends of mine who have lost babies and said a little thought of love for them like I often do.

So yanbu to question why someone shares in this way - I don't understand that side of fb either - but yabu to think that they shouldn't share that photo

I agree with duckduckChicken it is heart rending having to leave some of your children's names off cards etc, knowing that to other people they don't count as real people somehow. One of the most agonising moments of my life was hearing my mother proudly telling a friend that she has one grandchild. She doesn't, but the others aren't alive. I corrected her and she replied "yes, but they don't really count, do they?"
YABVU OP, why shouldn't they share a photo of their baby if it helps them, it is not for you to pass comment upon.

It is obvious that they will be devastated. Again I can see further than my own nose which is why I feel upset for them and upset at seeing the picture. And if I knew these people I would support them, but I don't, they aren't even a friend of a friend of a friend they are strangers and I think people should have a choice in it. There is a thread on chat titled "most haunting film moments" and the majority on that thread mention the baby scene in trainspotting so it seems to me like alot of people are affected by seeing these things. And yes the parents grief out weighs everyone else's feelings but I just don't understand the sharing of it with strangers that is all.

Weirder and more disturbing things have gone viral with or without their poster's intention. This actually seems perfectly acceptable to me compared to pictures of cruelty, great suffering or extreme triviality.

If the photo is of a baby, looking peacefully asleep, then I see nothing distasteful about it, even if that baby had sadly passed.

On my desk have a group picture of my family as we got together for my grandmother's birthday. This was taken about 3 months before she died. I keep the picture there as a memory of her, of her life and a lovely day we had with the whole family together. I can only imagine the sheer tragedy of losing a baby at or shortly after its birth and not having a lifetime of photos and memories. I would think the parents didn't want their much loved baby to be a secret, hidden away in drawers where no one could see and no one admitted that they had lived, albeit for such a brief time. Asking for the photo to go viral is asking the online world to say 'yes, this child lived and was loved and it's all kinds of awful that its life ended so early'.

Child death is such a tragic thing, but it shouldn't be taboo - it shouldn't be this horrible, shameful thing bereaved parents have to go through alone if they don't want to.

Because they are starting out on a journey of a lifetime of grief and pain and they want to share their precious child's photo with the world because it gives them a split second of comfort. That's reason enough imo.

Bravo duckduckCHICKEN, for your ongoing efforts to make the OP understand another perspective she is lucky enough not to understand from her own experience. And for you and your DC.

Who said I wasn't compassionate?! I would just rather have the choice in what I see. And yes some people are more hardy than others my dm works a job where she sees a lot worse than this and it doesn't get to her at all she is almost immune to it.

"worse"?

No, you don't understand and I genuinely hope you never will.
People share all kinds of things with strangers on FB, this picture really isn't any of your concern to be honest - you have a choice to hide the picture if you wish. It was the parent's choice. I echo BlueKarou's comments, the world is a lonely place when a child dies and you feel a pressure to hide your feelings and not talk about it for fear of upsetting those who haven't experienced this.

nocool summed it up on the first page.

yab so U.

These parents are going through hell and people are concerned about their own bloody feelings about a picture of their beautiful baby.

don't look, scroll past, De friend whoever shared it. but spare a thought for the poor sods who can't just scroll past this part of their life and be grateful it wasn't you and your baby.