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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think some things should be kept private (warning upsetting)

283 replies

ReginaBlitz · 28/07/2015 00:06

I was scrolling down newsfeed on fb and a "friend" had shared a post it was a picture of a one day old baby that had passed away, with the headline please share to say Thankyou to the staff of such and such hospital, this was posted by the baby's dad. Obviously this is awful and the parents are going through hell, but I think this is so inappropriate. I think photos like this should be private not shared by randoms all over Facebook it's upsetting (yes I know it's upsetting having it happen) but why not use a photo of her alive I am actually in shock it's seriously got to me and can't imagine how someone this has happened to would feel seeing these pictures. So Aibu to think these photos should be kept private?

OP posts:
AlwaysSpoiled34 · 28/07/2015 02:09

Nobody wants to hear it, everyone needs to share it. Life.

manicinsomniac · 28/07/2015 02:30

Hirples - how do you know the bereaved dad posted it and asked for it to be shared? because the photo says so? Definitely not proof in my mind. I'd be very worried that there's a still born baby and its family out there that has been taken advantage of in the most shameful way.

Of course it could be genuine. But there's no way to know with all these emotive click and share photos and I find that very scary.

HirplesWithHaggis · 28/07/2015 02:40

You make a fair point, manicinsomniac, I do not and cannot know for certain, as I don't know the people involved. I sincerely hope it's not some sick fucker.

giraffesCantBrushTheirTeeth · 28/07/2015 03:23

Yabu - people should not have to hide their precious children away because you can't cope with it.

I wouldn't "share" as in repost a strangers post as I very rarely do that anyway. BUT I would be honoured if anyone wanted to share a photo of their baby with me.

expatinscotland · 28/07/2015 03:36

YABU. Try thinking of her rather than yourself. Apply it to your life every now and again, it makes for a much better person.

expatinscotland · 28/07/2015 03:45

Does the definition of 'friend' include someone who takes something someone shared with them, that's heartfelt and personal, and spraffing about what a distasteful person that person is on a huge public internet forum? A person whose child just died. For real?

Those are the only memories that mother will ever have of her child. She will live with his loss and the grief of that forever, rather than keep that private, I hope she learns to be a bit more discerning in whom she considers a friend.

Kafri · 28/07/2015 03:58

I've seen the pic in question and Poppy was beautiful. What those parents are going through is, without doubt, one of the worst things that can happen to anybody.
Poppy was in her crib cuddling her teddy with a pic of her parents above her which matched the profile of the poster. This along with all the comments on his page was enough for me to believe it's authenticity.

It might not be everyone's choice to post a picture like that but as far as I'm concerned, whatever helps them at this sad time is right for them.

Yes the picture made me cry, I cannot imagine what they're going through, but it's not about me but I would never criticise a parent for sharing a pic of their beautiful child.

If it offends you, scroll past as I'm sure you do with the countless adverts/pyramid schemes etc on FB!!

NearlySchoolTime · 28/07/2015 04:08

I don't often post in AIBU but just wanted to say that, having had a stillborn child myself, this wouldn't upset me. I can't speak for everyone in those circumstances, though, obviously.

I can understand the desire to have your baby's photo seen by as many people as possible as a reminder that they once existed. As others have said, in those circumstances it can feel that your baby is mentioned once and then passes out of people's minds.

Garlick · 28/07/2015 04:09

Everything Nocool said. And also YY to inappropriate shame around death & stillbirth. It is not shameful.

YANBU to feel upset, but YABVVU to say they shouldn't share their baby's picture.

PageNotFound404 · 28/07/2015 04:14

I saw what I imagine to be the exact same photo very recently, it seems to be going viral.

I found it upsetting so I hid the photo as I didn't want to be reminded of it every time I scrolled through my timeline. I don't know if you know that you can do that, OP; there's a small arrow on the top right of each FB post and when you click on it, one of the drop down options is "I don't want to see this". If you select that, it hides the post/photo from your timeline.

I don't think it's what I would do in their shoes - assuming it's real - but each to their own. People deal with grief in different ways.

CaoNiMa · 28/07/2015 04:49

I don't know. I really don't know. I wonder if there should be limits to how widely you share grief. In the last of the very few photos I have with my late partner, she is in a coma hooked up to machines. It is highly distressing. As glad as i was to have been there with her before she died, I wouldn't subject anyone else to that photograph, even if I thought it would make me feel better.

expatinscotland · 28/07/2015 05:01

Limits to grief? When you lose a child? Oh, okay, whom shall we appoint as the police for this? What about photos of children who have been killed in war, which appear regularly? Shall we just sanitise it all because it might be upsetting for some who have the privilege of being able to turn it off and tune it out rather than living with it?

Imlookingatboats · 28/07/2015 05:01

I'm sorry for your loss, Cao.

Grief affects everyone differently, and few people are not particularly moved by the loss of a child in particular. With an 'audience' so vast as Facebook, it's understandable that people are divided on what do do, or not to do.

expatinscotland · 28/07/2015 05:03

Who on Earth is an arbiter of how one should limit sharing one's grief? I find a great deal of things far more over shared, like Kim Kardashian's makes arse, for example. I turn it off, hide it. She wants to over share her body that's her business. I have the ability to not look at it.

Janette123 · 28/07/2015 06:28

ReginaBlitz,
This was something that the Victorians did - take photos of dead relatives and display them. It was perfectly acceptable then, even if the dead children had to be propped up to have the photo taken. Some of the photos were taken including live family members, like a family gathering.

Personally I would find this, and posting dead baby pictures on FB rather bizarre. I know people who make posts on FB about their grief at the loss of still-born children 30 years after the event.

However, people grieve in their own ways and who am I to object?

VivaLeBeaver · 28/07/2015 06:36

It may well be the only photo without wires and tubes, etc.

MrsHathaway · 28/07/2015 06:48

I haven't seen it (yet). I absolutely respect the family's desire to share theory precious daughter with the world, however far the photo goes.

A university friend recently lost his wife in childbirth, and since the inquest has been sharing information about her rare condition. That stirs up some weird primal and instinctive terrors for me but I can see why it's important to share.

There was absolutely no need to share the escalator video, though. I am far, far more shocked by the ghoulishness of that, compared with a photo of a much-loved baby in her basket.

buntingbingo · 28/07/2015 07:03

Yes I saw that this morning whilst I was checking facebook, whilst sat on the loo!! It's terribly sad and I have all the sympathy in the world for the parents but I do feel It trivialises things when any old random person can look at it whilst sat on the loo.

wannaBe · 28/07/2015 07:05

tbh I think there are two different issues here. The parents sharing the picture of their baby on fb is one thing. Nobody can begin to imagine what they're going through, and if sharing their picture works for them then who are we to criticise.

However sharing a picture of the dead baby of a random stranger that has happened upon your timeline by a million degrees of separation is crass and I would take issue with that. Let's be honest most of what people share on fb isn't shared out of genuine caring or compassion or outrage (depending on the subject matter) most people who share this kind of stuff see the "share with....." request and click and share with their 500 closest friends without so much as a thought.

We are fairly new to this level of sharing of images and the like, and there is every chance that at some point those parents may well regret the fact that the picture of their baby went viral on facebook and they no longer even know who has seen it and what captions people may have applied to it, including those that say it's distasteful.

So while I think that if the parents want to share their picture on their timeline that is their choice, for a random stranger, the compassionate thing to do is to actually not share that picture any further....

Altinkum · 28/07/2015 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PtolemysNeedle · 28/07/2015 07:46

I completely disagree, it's not up to anyone else except those parents to decide whether it should be kept private or not.

Loads of people post pictures when they have babies, and loads of people post pictures when they've lost a loved one. It's fine.

If anyone did anything wrong, it was the people who shared it.

BaroquePearl · 28/07/2015 07:49

YABVU, as well as insensitive, unimaginative and childish.

BIWI · 28/07/2015 07:59

There are two separate issues here, which are being confused.

The first is the decision by the parents to post the photo. And that's entirely their decision. If it seemed appropriate to them, if they wanted to use this as a way to let all their friends know of the tragedy they have suffered, then this is up to them. No-one can know how they feel and no-one deserves to be taken to task for this.

The second is the request that people share the photo. Given that it was, according to the OP, 'just' to thank the staff (as opposed to highlighting a particular condition or treatment) this does seem a bit strange.

So YABU to object to the first issue, but I can understand your reservation about the second.

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 28/07/2015 07:59

wannaBe's post gets to the nub of this. It's not about grieving parents taking and sharing photos of their beloved and deeply regretted baby. It's about random strangers then doing so.

chipmonkey · 28/07/2015 09:00

Regina, you said that you couldn't imagine how someone this has happened to would feel seeing these pictures. I lost my 7 week old daughter to SIDS. When I see pictures like that, I feel empathy. I know exactly what they are going through. I feel honoured that they shared pictures of their beautiful baby. Does it serve as a reminder of my loss? No. Because there is no need for reminders. My daughter should be turning four soon and I still think about her all day every day. I never, ever forget.
Also, sadly, I am now friends with a lot of bereaved parents and in a lot of groups for bereaved parents on Facebook. We share pictures of our children amongst each other so are well used to these images.

As to the other delicate flowers on this thread who think people shouldn't share in case those with healthy children find them upsetting, get over yourselves. Losing a child is beyond upsetting. It takes upsetting to a level which is unimaginable to most people so be thankful that you only had to be upset for a short time before you could move on and get on with your life with your healthy child.