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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some things should be kept private (warning upsetting)

283 replies

ReginaBlitz · 28/07/2015 00:06

I was scrolling down newsfeed on fb and a "friend" had shared a post it was a picture of a one day old baby that had passed away, with the headline please share to say Thankyou to the staff of such and such hospital, this was posted by the baby's dad. Obviously this is awful and the parents are going through hell, but I think this is so inappropriate. I think photos like this should be private not shared by randoms all over Facebook it's upsetting (yes I know it's upsetting having it happen) but why not use a photo of her alive I am actually in shock it's seriously got to me and can't imagine how someone this has happened to would feel seeing these pictures. So Aibu to think these photos should be kept private?

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 28/07/2015 09:23

Well said chipmonkey

teeththief · 28/07/2015 09:31

Personally I would find this, and posting dead baby pictures on FB rather bizarre. I know people who make posts on FB about their grief at the loss of still-born children 30 years after the event

Just so I know, what is the acceptable number of years then? Obviously I need to know so I can stop reliving the day I was induced knowing my daughter was already dead but I still had to go through a horrendous labour to deliver her...

TheSkyAtNight · 28/07/2015 10:27

As you say you are concerned about the feelings of someone who has experienced this, I thought I'd tell you. I feel it is beautiful & my heart is warmed to know of people who can accept baby loss & follow the lead of how the parents want to grieve. Sadly, this is very rare.

I also thought I'd share how upsetting I find your post & the comments about how other people should deal with their grief.

The two most common reactions to losses on the baby loss forums I've been part of are 1) Why didn't I know this could happen? Why is stillbirth never spoken about in this country? 2) Why is everyone avoiding me? Why will no-one talk about my baby even when I try?

This photo confronts both of those issues head on.

People tell themselves they can't do anything to help in these situations. No, but you can make it worse. Telling people to shut up, to 'keep it private' by your words or behaviour, or by threads like this does just that.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 28/07/2015 10:34

its not about you, your upset is monumentally shadowed by their grief, yes I tend to agree but when its comes to death- let people grieve their own way

FineDamBeaver · 28/07/2015 10:40

YABVVVU.
I've never felt the need to type that before.

Personally, I really love seeing the pictures of my friend's baby, who died before she was born. I wish with all my heart that she had lived, and that these pictures were not the only way I could know her. But since she died, I love to look at the pictures as a way to "know" her a little.

But, actually, at the end of the day, what I think/feel is irrelevant anyway. My friend lost her daughter. How on earth can I think my likes and dislikes have anything whatsoever to do with how she chooses to live with this?

buffyp · 28/07/2015 10:42

What a charming attitude Regina. You may feel uncomfortable for a few minutes but those poor parents will have a lifetime of grieving. Do yourself and them a favour and unfollow them if you really can't manage to consider their feelings above your own. I really really hope you are never in the position to truly understand what they are going through because it is totally and utterly shit and to be quite honest personally I couldn care less for anyones opinion on how I should grieve and the same applies for this poor couple. You don't get to decide how someone grieves.

Fatmomma99 · 28/07/2015 10:49

Chipmonkey, your post make me cry! Flowers

chrome100 · 28/07/2015 10:52

My friend shared a photo of his still born baby. I found it quite strange and didn't really want to see it.

However, I am not the one who has gone through that and I think grief comes in many forms. If it helps them to recognise their son's (albeit tragically short) life, I kind of understand.

chrome100 · 28/07/2015 10:54

That said, I wouldn't want to see a photo of someone's dead grandma either, but I suppose the difference is that there would be plenty of photos of the grandma alive, but these are the only photos they have of their son.

salsmum · 28/07/2015 11:05

I had a similar debate with my brother when he visited our Mum and his daughter put pics up on F/b...I explained to my DB that I thought it was in bad taste because Mum would not have wanted pics of her looking so ill and further explained that DM is in fact very near passing but he saw no harm in the pics...Yes I was offended because DM didn't have capacity to make decisions herself.....but saying that I think if it brings comfort to the parents of the baby (although others may find it distressing esp if the baby has discolouration and DOESN'T look 'asleep') I think if it helps the couple each to their own, I have sadly seen an awful lot worse (working in animal rescue) that has been posted.

zazzie · 28/07/2015 11:07

My first child was stillborn 10 years ago. When I see photos like this it does remind me of what happened but it is nothing to the grief they will be feeling at the moment and I feel sad someone else is going through it.

Sallystyle · 28/07/2015 11:09

I try not to judge how people deal with grief. If it brings someone a second of comfort to share a photo of their baby on FB then I can't judge them. I wanted to share photos of my newborns and if this is the only photo they have, or even if it isn't, I can understand them sharing it.

However, I am a little bit uncomfortable with it being shared by random strangers and becoming 'viral'. I don't know if the parents wanted that to happen or if it just got out of hand, but it makes me feel a bit uneasy to think of strangers sharing the photo. But again, if this gives the parents comfort then I won't judge them as my uneasiness means fuck all and that is my problem.

Not long ago someone posted a thread judging others for sharing photos of a funeral. I have pictures on my FB of my children holding 'Dad' flowers at their father's wake. It brought me some comfort and if people didn't like it, then quite frankly, they can piss off.

corgiology · 28/07/2015 11:10

I am trying to find the image before I make a comment.

Does anybody have a link? Thanks :)

TheSkyAtNight · 28/07/2015 11:12

You're right, Chrome. There aren't any other photos & they want to acknowledge the life of their precious baby. My best friend was kind enough to look at photos with me and it meant we could have some of the 'normal' conversations - I thought he looked like his Dad, but she pointed out he also looked like me. It's so lovely when people talk to you about your baby.

Also, Regina, the thousands of pictures of newborns & kids, not to mention the '10 things only parents understand' posts are really distressing to people who have lost babies/struggling to conceive, even though we are happy for them. What do we do? We suck it up, or hide the posts if it's just too painful.

Penfold007 · 28/07/2015 11:14

Grief is such a personal and unique process for each and every person. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve. If that image came up on my feed as I don't know the parents I would feel that it was inappropriate for me to see the photo. I would hide the post but and its a big but, that's my choice.

Pagwatch · 28/07/2015 11:14

I think that their choice to put the photo on Facebook is none of my business.
If it gives them even a sliver of comfort then that's their choice.

If it appeared on my feed I would be slightly more quizzical about the person who shared it and is going along with the apparent desire to make the image viral.
I wouldn't share it. I'm not sure any of my FB friends would either.

Atomik · 28/07/2015 11:24

I think the modern day revivial of memento mori is a good thing. It's part of a strong move away from the "throw a curtain over loss and stonewall the grieving into silence/isolation, so we can all pretend it never happened becuase that feels better for us" thing we've had going for rather a long time.

But...

Part of the modern day reality is today's chanels of communication, with it's upside and downsides.

There are some sick fuckers out there. Who would think nothing of downloading an image and reposting it in another context. Be it a compilation video on youtube, or on a forum of deeply questionable taste and then followed by vile and insensitive comments. There is nothing some people won't exploit for their own entertainment, desire to rubber neck or gawp.

It is no more tasteless/wrong to post a picture of your newborn who did not survive, than it is to post an image of any other new baby. But the more widely and indiscriminately a memento mori is shared, perhaps the greater the potential for one day a grieving parent to discover their child's image has been cheapened, exploited, or commented upon in a way that causes them even more pain.

I'd like to be wrong. I'd like to believe that nobody would stoop so low in the face of a parent's terrible loss. But I don't feel able to trust everybody on the net to act with sensitivity. Becuase a not nearly small enough chunk of them are deeply unhinged people, who appear to have no standards of common decency and wouldn't understand the word empathy even if it repeatedly punched them on the none.

Flutterbutterfly · 28/07/2015 11:31

It has to be one of the most tragic things to ever happen to someone.

The photos are not gruesome they are of beutiful babies that tragically didn't survive.

I think that it's ok to deal with it in whatever way they choose.

When I was being induced there had been a stillborn baby born that morning. The nurses were discussing it in front of me. I did find it a bit scary and inappropriate but that poor women's word had just collapsed. The staff were also clearly distressed.

Be thankful it's not you, one of our friends had a stillborn daughter and the pain is unimaginable.

FineDamBeaver · 28/07/2015 11:31

Why on earth is it any worse for this image to "go viral" than for any other picture of someone's child, assuming that is what the parents want?
This thread confuses me.

Pagwatch · 28/07/2015 11:35

I don't think the thread is confusing.
I think it's just various opinions from various people on a chat board.
Why is my opinion being different to another persons 'confusing'

Sharing a picture amongst people you know is different in my mind from a request to make something viral. Is that staggering?

FineDamBeaver · 28/07/2015 11:39

Sharing a picture amongst people you know is different in my mind from a request to make something viral. Is that staggering?

Not at all. But I don't understand why it differs from any of the other pictures of people's children which are posted daily on the internet.

FineDamBeaver · 28/07/2015 11:40

(PS I hadn't actually read your post, Pag, and was responding to something entirely different!)

Pagwatch · 28/07/2015 11:41

I probably should add that dislike lots of stuff posted intended to be a viral thing.
FB likes to meet a celeb or things like the ice bucket challenge.
Quite possibly I'm alone in this regard.

DirtyDeedsD0neDirtCheap · 28/07/2015 11:41

oh god I saw this :(

imo its private and shouldn't be shared all over the internet

Pagwatch · 28/07/2015 11:41

X-posted.