Pressure re baby at wedding

[DeeDee40]

Hello AIBU? Getting married in a matter of weeks. Decided not to invite kids due to cost,type and size of venue. Means that DHs nieces cant come too but thats choice were happy with. A friend contacted me today hinting re inviting her baby who will be seven months by then due to bfing! The message said that her family will have to keep him outside church and reception and phone her when he needs feeding and she hopes the next wedding she goes to will invite him!???? does she expect her family to bring her baby into my wedding ceremony and reception.so she can bf him? My DH not happy as he feels shes trying her luck majorly and if others can find babysitters some of whom have smaller babys then so can she. Not happy

Well said Katy.

When did weddings become like an exclusive party you're privileged to be invited to? Surely it's a privilege for the B&G to have guests attend rather than the other way around?!

A decade ago my step brothers wife to be said no children at their wedding, taking place three hours away from our home. Ds was five months old. I posted about it on here. He was ebf till that day, I was gutted at missing out and felt my supply dried up the same day, was the end of my ebmf.

Anyway, relationship was never quite the same. Still isn't although a bit better.

My wedding was entirely different. I didn't want any ambiguity, on the invites I told people they were free to bring the kids or free to leave them with babysitters. It worked well and everyone we invited were able to join us.

The people, young and old, make the day and the memories.

I'm a bit at people who make a decision to go for the most expensive venues, with all the poncey extras, but end up excluding some of their nearest and dearest in their misguided bid for the perfect wedding. Surely the perfect wedding is to be surrounded by people you love and who love you? Concentrate too hard on the aesthetics so the photos look good, and you end up losing sight of what it all should be about, as well as potentially offending/pissing off half your guests.

It's the OPs rules. Personally I've declined all invites to child-free weddings. I was fortunate my brother made an exception...

Why do posters on here feel the need to get so aggressive/angry/rude to other posters?

Piper I'm sorry we don't all share your opinions but suspect even if we did you would find something to be angry about.

I hope by venting at other MNs it makes you a kinder person in your real life.

Back to the OP Piper - why do you think the friend made the point that she hoped her baby would be asked to any future weddings?

baffled you ha e been equally rude to me with your PA attitude and assumptions about me as a person. I'm very nice thank you, calling people out on their bullshit does not make a 'mean'. Don't play the little girl lost persona.

Maybe she wasn't trying to make OP feel guilty, or maybe she was - maybe the OP should ask herself exactly why she might need to feel guilt at excluding and possibly offending a good friend all for the means of having the 'perfect' day. clam summed it up perfectly!

Agree with clam and 1 Morewine. Children are just people, if they are part of your circle it is weird to exclude them. That said, it is the op's wedding she can exclude whoever she wants, but of course that often means the adults won't attend either.

I have of course never gleefully rubbed my hands listening to a "child free please bride" or reminded her of her wedding when she moaned two years later that her pfb is not allowed at some party, oh no, not me, that would be too mean .

How have I been rude to you piper?

And how is someone else's opinion BS?

Playing "little girl lost"?! Is that because I have enough respect for myself and others on here not to swear in my posts?

Can I assume in real life you don't respond to friends / family / colleagues in such a manner when they state an opinion about something?

Your passive aggressive and patronising posts are extremely rude. You called me on using the c word - not at a person but describing a situation - and by others who've used it on this thread. Don't play dumb. And I will politely say "thanks but no thanks" to your faux interest in my RL relationships

*but not others

I always thought the 'babe at boobs arms' rule negated the 'no children' rules at weddings?

It's bloody ludicrous to expect anyone to have a go at bottle feeding because of a wedding. A seven month old isn't going to be running around and mucking about like older children.

I FF both my boys from the start so I'm not biased. It's just comes down to if you want these people there or not?

There is never call for the c word.

My last point was trying to highlight the fact that I assume you don't swear as much in your real life as you do on your posts. I don't get why people post in a different manner to that which they would respond in real life.

I'm certainty not trying to be passive aggressive I'm honestly shocked by your aggressive responses to people who are simply answering the original OP with their opinion.

When DD decided to marry in the country town of her DH she was faced with thirty children being invited and not enough room. Her son, six nieces and nephews (from both sides of the family) were included in the wedding as her flower girls and page boys. She let her friends know that only children from her home town would be invited because she didn't expect her friends to leave them behind overnight, (six hour drive). If she had her wedding in her home town those from the country town would have been able to bring their children instead.

DD discussed this with her friends from the country town before the invitations were sent out. They were happy with that as they weren't having to face the trip to DD's home town with an overnight stay. The country friends had parents or family living near to the wedding venue and had no problems with babysitters. Of course babies were included in their parents invitation, whether they were breastfed or bottle fed, (it's not always easy leaving bottle fed babies for long periods of time).

I have never understood the "no kids at my wedding". When we got married we hired entertainment for the children and also provided childcare. That way everyone could come, everyone could enjoy themselves. It's not that much more expensive, we just didn't invite people who weren't that close, so we could invite the children of our nearest and dearest. Weddings should be about family, children are people to.

I wonder how you will feel when you & children & get an invite to a party telling you to leave your baby at home. I'll bet you'll be straight on here to whine about it. I'm amazed she's even going to go. I'd decline.

I want to take OP's "friend" out for cake and to tell her that it's an invitation not a summons and to just enjoy a day with her baby instead.

You will look back at this once you have kids and die of shame. Your poor friend.

Bollocks to that. We had a child free wedding and have never had any regrets whatsoever. I've been to several that have had vital moments spoiled by yarking kids and receptions ruined by kids running rampant while their parents pretend it isn't happening.

If she wants to be there she'll find a way. Emotional blackmail is pathetic.

I never had any problem with being invited to adult only dos. Too many parents fail to control their DCs at such events, so it's becoming more widespread.

Yes a lit if vitriol and nasty comments in this thread mainly from those who seem to think that their child should be automatically invited to every event and are outraged that this can't always be the case.

The op is having, by choice, a child free wedding! It's not rocket science so quite simple. A wedding invite isn't a royal command. If it dies to suit then the ops friend can decline.

My ds and fiancée have limited finances and so are themselves limiting the invites to just family children not friends. I can't see how that's selfish or vile it's just a sensible plan.

How do some people make a wedding all about them and their needs? A wedding is about the bride and grooms choices as it's their day. Other people ( like me) had lots of children to our wedding. So bloody what.

the look back and die of shame poor friend comment is the height of crazy. Why would she die of shame. They have limited funds do excluding kids. You can't then have some idiot pushing back to just include their child because they are breast feeding. So what? If you choose to breast feed you know the score. I bf my 4 children and yes missed out on occasions as I couldn't leave the babies. My choice.

I certainly didn't expect the world to revolve around me and I certainly would to dream of hassling a bride to accommodate me. No way.

Mythical has a very fair point! I love kids, work with them and love my nieces and nephews. However, it's just not true that kids at weddings are always fabulous! At our Civil partnership my nephews took ALL the disposable cameras off the tables and took photos of car license plates in the car park! Another friends kids tantrummed their way through the day. I still loved our day but can well understand why for reasons of space or simply personal preference people don't always want lots of kids at their weddings. Babes in arms is a different matter I think.

There is never call for the c word.

Only in your opinion.

I haven't read all the replies, apparently it's got a bit heated! Just thought I'd add my tuppence worth. It's not fair for her to pressure you to allow her to bring her baby. I sent a "maybe" response to a wedding invite knowing the chances of getting my stubborn baby to take a bottle by six months weren't looking good. I then got a hasty reinvite including baby, but I wouldn't have been annoyed if I'd had to miss it, it's their wedding. To be honest I don't understand why you wouldn't let her bring her, there's a big difference between a bf babe in arms and a young child who can eat food, most people do seem to understand that exceptions are made for that, but it's your wedding so it's up to you. If she's a close friend you may find she's not so close after this though.

Dd2 refused solids, cups or bottles until she was almost 9 months. That was back in the days when you were meant to wean at 4 months.
I tried every day to get her to take them, but even if I got some into her mouth she just spat it out.
Dd1 was pretty much fully weaned by 6 months and ate everything offered.

Agree it has to be a one rule for all and no exceptions. I think you can call her and use DH nieces as a good example.

Your friend is probably feeling very torn and was not unreasonable to ask and is probably wondering how you would feel if she declined. She is not doing it to be awkward or irritate you. When you talk to her you should "clear the air” and explain about DH nieces, say you would like her to come but understand if she cant. You could see if the venue has an area she could BF.

Having been the BF mother, with invites to weddings and party’s when I had babies varying in age from 4mths - 12mth I have both accepted and declined. The acceptances were huge stresses and costs to keep the baby hidden and out of sight. I in no way complained about the bride / host and fully agree it’s their decision. I think looking back I only accepted to avoid feeling bad and avoid any tension between myself and the hosts (all self inflicted – I bet they would have been fine).

As a BF mum I think you also get anxious trying to explain to people why its hard to leave your bf baby, or indeed use a bottle – its not always possible and frankly too much of a hassle to try and get them to take something for one day.

Best you can do is be understanding. She cant take the baby to the wedding – fine, but then you cant expect her to go.

Our default response is “we would love to come but baby is BF and cant leave her” DH often goes and I stay. I am trying not to over analyse how the host might judge me. Indeed a true friend wouldn’t.

Enjoy your day!

I wonder if child free weddings were a thing years ago? What did people do when they had large families and a range of ages in their own family? I remember when children were just part and parcel of family life; that just does not seem to be so there days. Just curious!