Pressure re baby at wedding

[DeeDee40]

Hello AIBU? Getting married in a matter of weeks. Decided not to invite kids due to cost,type and size of venue. Means that DHs nieces cant come too but thats choice were happy with. A friend contacted me today hinting re inviting her baby who will be seven months by then due to bfing! The message said that her family will have to keep him outside church and reception and phone her when he needs feeding and she hopes the next wedding she goes to will invite him!???? does she expect her family to bring her baby into my wedding ceremony and reception.so she can bf him? My DH not happy as he feels shes trying her luck majorly and if others can find babysitters some of whom have smaller babys then so can she. Not happy

We had 35 people at our wedding, off the top of my head they had 13 kids between them. Our venue held 40 inc registrars, photographers and babes in arms. We already didnt hire a photographer to fit extra in but we couldn't justify losing guests by inviting kids and we couldn't afford to entertain kids - they were invited to our blessing tho with a day in the park planned after.
Of my guests one was still breastfeeding and I offered to try and get around the fire regs but she refused as he was weaning by then.
The only person to kick off and refuse to come was my brother who wouldn't leave his 18mo despite having childcare in place, having plenty of childfree time when it suited, him not being breastfed and him not usually including DNephew in visits. Additionally, my (now)DH wasn't invited to his wedding, nor were any sibling partners and his wedding was child free despite spending around £30k - we spent less than £3k, inc stag/hen and honeymoon but he couldn't grasp why we wouldn't/couldn't afford to change both our venues to accomodate my nephew

That said OP you are being a tad over dramatic. Your venue may well be like mine where BIA count towards fire regs - so tell her that. Otherwise, if her family are willing to hang out in a hotel room so she can bf when needed then you should feel honoured they've gone to that extra expense and effort on your behalf and I'd be tempted to tell her to treat that as your wedding gift

You are so right to ban children- especially breastfeeding babies at your wedding.
After all this is your special day, it's all about you OP- and guests should be grateful that they are invited at all to watch you be queen bee. Who cares if they are inconvenienced anyway, it's not about them, it's about you right?
It's your day, not theirs and guests should realise that.

Who wants snotty kids at a wedding- they may distract from your precious snowflake moment.

I think that's a bit unkind fourtthedozen! I've been to a few weddings where the vows have been drowned out by crying or shouting children and one where a toddler accidentally grabbed his mum's phone and turned on some loud music! It's sort of funny but sort of awful! Not every wants that kind of atmosphere at their wedding. I don't think that's overly precious!

Quite right lilymay- who wants snotty brats at a wedding anyway.

I'm a bit torn to be honest, yanbu. Your husband to be on the other hand is.
We were invited to a wedding that specified no children, when my ebf bottle refuser was 7 months old. My parents were on standby to travel to the other end of the country to babysit and I could feed in the car. Another friend who was in exactly the same situation as us spoke to the couple, they had no idea how difficult it would be so were more than happy for the two babies to attend.
On one hand it's absolutely your wedding day and you do what makes you happy, on the other do you want a friend to really struggle to attend your day?
We've got another wedding invite for when our baby will be 13 months, he's not invited and we are looking forward to a night away without him.
You don't mention what ages

Posted too soon: you don't mention what ages nieces are, perhaps your dh to be sis/ bro would be more than understanding about a young baby?
I was gutted when I first thought we wouldn't be able to attend our friends wedding, then happy when my parents said they'd travel too. Was very pleased when the bride allowed our baby to attend, but would have understood if she hadn't. She has organised a baby sitter, just not someone who can breastfeed her baby.

"Agree it has to be a one rule for all and no exceptions."
No, it really doesn't have to be.

"I think you can call her and use DH nieces as a good example."
And that's where the problem started. They should have been invited, I think. It would indeed be awkward if you've banned such close relatives, yet allow "just" a friend to bring their child, even with the bf thing.

I think it a bit sad that you say you're "happy" with your choice re: the nieces. I'd have a bit more sympathy with your situation if you'd shown a bit of regret at having to exclude them.

Well said KatyPeary and clam.

I don't think child free weddings were a thing years ago. Actually, I don't think I have been to a child free wedding.

I think too many bridezillas focus too much on the perfect wedding day rather than the fact that they are getting married.

clam I agree with you that nieces should have been invited and that it's sad they are happy with that. My point was more to explain why they were BU to be annoyed with this mum.

no one will change their minds no matter how unreasonable it is so I didnt dwell on that point. She can easily say to Bf friend nieces not invited so we cant invite your baby. Its not unreasonable for them to say that and say its one rule for all. I agree with other posters in that they can do that as its their wedding. no matter how unreasonable some bride and groom requests are there is no point arguing.

We didn't invite children on the invites but all friends with children were told we would rather have them and children than not come at all.

I also think some posters make a valid point about when couples have children of their own how their perspectives change and you get a shock. Hopefully OP will realise what a huge effort her friend went to organising her attendance one day.

I also think some posters make a valid point about when couples have children of their own how their perspectives change and you get a shock.

I havent had a shock. I had a child free wedding an even now as a parent i think it is perfectly reasonable.

nolim of course no for everyone. just in my experience.

From being childfree and lucky enough to do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, it was a huge shock to suddenly have to figure out childcare when we live far away from any family to attend weddings / parties all over the country! It was a shock to me how much effort was involved regardless if children on guest list. no longer fun filled stressfree attendances and barely any champagne due to BF! that could have been a bigger shock. but that is my decision.

I stand by OP and her decision to have a childfree wedding. its just sad the nieces were not invited. my point was to focus on the friend making the effort.

When I was the age that my friends were getting married it was quite normal in our village to go to the church or wait outside even if you were not invited to the wedding! It might be a girl you were in the same class as, or lived on the same street. You'd go with your mum or other friends...

The actual church bit is where it all takes place!

I've never been to a wedding that was child free either and didn't realise they were a thing until reading MN.

I've always wondered since joining this site why so many don't want any children/babies at they're weddings?

I can understand if it's a matter of lots of people invited and not having room for the children of if its a matter of cost.

But apart from those two reasons I honestly don't understand it.

Even before I had children of my own all the children in my family were invited to my first wedding.I had 4 little bridesmaids(my nieces)and 5 little paige boys(my nephews)my SIL was my maid of honor and they're youngest(my baby niece)was only 6 weeks old.

There most have been over 20 children easily at my first wedding.

Any weddings,Engagements,Big Birthdays,Anniversarys I have gone to have all had loads of children at them.Some were family celebrations others were being held by friends

When myself and my DH got married(first marriage is now my ex)a few years ago there were loads of children at our wedding.

We had a Village Fair theme for our wedding,we had loads of stalls set up outside for all the children,coconut shy,hook a duck ect,it was amazing and all the adult guests got involved.We have some amazing pictures of all the children and adults playing on the stalls.

And everyone still talks about what a happy day it was.Honestly we feel like the day was made so good because of the children we had there.

Years ago, pre DC, I remember my SIL telling me she was upset she couldn't go to the wedding of a good friend, because it was childfree and she was still feeding DN.

I nodded along but didn't really get it. Having never breastfed myself, and not knowing lots of close friends who did, I had no idea that some babies can't take a bottle, that breast pumps don't work for everyone, that it's not quite that easy just to leave a breastfed baby with a sitter, that engorged boobs are painful and can leak.

Giving the OP the benefit of the doubt, I think that her post is founded on ignorance, and she's not just being a precious bridezilla for the sake of it.

She honestly can't see that the option presented to her - ie family members bringing the baby for feeds every few hours - is the easiest and least stressful option, which also probably means going to a lot of bother for the sitters.

No baby at the wedding, no leaky boobs, no baby going without feeds - it's win win for everyone but the babysitter, right? As OP can't see that, I can only imagine she has v little idea as to what bfing actually involves.

And why would she, if she's never done it? A bit more empathy wouldn't go amiss.

I had a child free wedding and I don't regret it.

When I married, none of my close friends or relatives had children. The invitees with children were distant relatives (included because of family politics / duty) and friends from work. We hadn't met any of these children more than 2 or 3 times - many of them we'd never met at all - and including them on invitations would have pushed us over the maximum numbers (for fire regulations at our venue. So we specified child free due to venue size.

If we were marrying now, when we do have close friends and relatives with small children, we'd make a different decision. But choosing a child free wedding was right for us at the time we married and we don't regret it.

I think it's fine to have a child free wedding. A wedding doesn't have to be anything in particular - if you want it to be child free that is up to you.

I think I've just become a bit over the years about those weddings where it seems as if the guests are just there to provide the beautiful backdrop to the B&G's (although often mainly the bride's) vision of some sort of magazine shoot. Particularly those who ship in a couple of pretty little girls to be flower girls, but who then expect them to bugger off after the photos so they don't spoil the speeches.

Personally I think you are being a little bit unreasonable and have things out of perspective, but its your wedding, as others have said. I had no children at my wedding but made exceptions for breastfeeding babies -that's the normal thing to do. What do you expect a 7 month old baby to do? But the mother has asked, you have said no, as you are entitled to do. But are you being unreasonable? Yes, a bit.

Essentially a wedding is a legal bit plus usually a party. Whether you want to go go to Vegas, do the whole thing in your lunch hour with a couple of witnesses off the street, have a big church wedding, have a family focussed wedding, have a goth wedding, have a wedding on the beach half way round the world, have a weekend long event in a castle or whatever it is still essentially a legal bit and a party (although the party is not mandatory). Children do not have to be included.

Obviously this may by default exclude some of the guests, but how much that matters will depend on your relationship.

In all honesty, most people I know invite some children to their weddings, family children for example. The most common reason for not inviting all children of guests is space and cost. I don't see what's precious about that at all.

"The most common reason for not inviting all children of guests is space and cost. I don't see what's precious about that at all."

No, but then I don't recall many, if any, posters saying that. This isn't about inviting dozens of children of all the guest list (which I agree for most would be a crazy expense). It's about the groom's own nieces plus a breastfed baby.

DD puked after formula and I never had any extra to express. It was a PITA but hey no.

We didn't invite our own 18 month old to our own wedding. He had a great day with the childminder. I have never regretted not inviting him and I wasn't the least bit offended with myself for not inviting him.