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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressure re baby at wedding

486 replies

DeeDee40 · 26/07/2015 16:44

Hello AIBU? Getting married in a matter of weeks. Decided not to invite kids due to cost,type and size of venue. Means that DHs nieces cant come too but thats choice were happy with. A friend contacted me today hinting re inviting her baby who will be seven months by then due to bfing! The message said that her family will have to keep him outside church and reception and phone her when he needs feeding and she hopes the next wedding she goes to will invite him!???? does she expect her family to bring her baby into my wedding ceremony and reception.so she can bf him? My DH not happy as he feels shes trying her luck majorly and if others can find babysitters some of whom have smaller babys then so can she. Not happy

OP posts:
Floraclare · 26/07/2015 22:44

You are not being unreasonable to want a child free wedding

I had a child free wedding (although my nephew came for the ceremony), as I was struggling with infertility and didn't want to spend the day with family members saying "you'll be next"

My sister was most happy that she had arranged a babysitter for the rest of the day, as she could then have a drink and dance until the end

I now have an adopted son and would never expect anyone to invite him to their wedding - we missed a friend's wedding in the early days of placement as it was too early to leave him. However, I have a friend's wedding in September and even though AS is invited, my parents will babysit so we can properly enjoy the day and be able to concentrate on seeing our friends, rather than spending the day distracted that our son is having a good time

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:46

We had 4 kids and that's our choice so we wouldn't dream of foisting them into other people or pushing them into child free events. That's spectacularly rude

what a horrible outlook to have to see children as something to be 'foisted' and 'pushed' to the point of the suggestion of children is rude. Children are a pleasure and in my circles weddings are family events. I've never been invited to a child free wedding and luckily don't have friends who believe children are some sort of nuisance. I would probably decline an invitation to a child free wedding if I got one.

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 26/07/2015 22:46

I would never use the word hun as it's cuntish.

However I totally agree' your wedding your rules'?

Anything else doesn't actually make sense really does it? Your party, your budget and choices as you are paying. How in earth can you detest that unless you offer to help plan and pay? Utterly stupid.

Only1scoop · 26/07/2015 22:49

What a faff to go to a wedding with a baby I would rather go on my own anyway and let my hair down.

But then I still prefer to dine in child unfriendly places also Grin

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 26/07/2015 22:49

piper

We had children at our wedding.

Where our children weren't invited and I was bf we didn't go.

I manage to not make everything about me and my children!

And my horrible outlook has produced 4 fantastic well adjusted teens and adults and a grand child in the way.

Don't be a drama lama dear.

Itsmine · 26/07/2015 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baffled2012 · 26/07/2015 22:53

OP she is clearly telling you this to make you feel guilty and hoping you will allow her baby to come too. I had a couple of friends do the same just before my wedding - not quite such guilt trips, more along the lines of I can't get a babysitter. They didn't come to the wedding which was a shame but I was happy not to have any crying babies or women breastfeeding during the service. Stick to your guns. Especially as your nieces aren't even coming.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:55

Yes because finding a solution to nourishing your child is so me me me Hmm the OPs friend isn't saying "unless DS is coming I won't be there, can't you make an exception for me" - which would be cuntish - she's actually found a solution and the OP is still whining.

And I do think seeing children as some sort of hindrance is a horrible outlook - "our choice we wouldn't push it in people" - they're not hamsters they are children, it's a choice family and friends should accept as being pretty important

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:56

Baffled their inability to get a babysitter was all just a rouse to guilt trip you? Get over yourself

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:57

Also the anti-BF comments on this thread are disgusting. Imagine if people were being anti-FF at wedding could you imagine the uproar!

doolallylass · 26/07/2015 23:09

YANBU at all. There's a no kids rule, if she knew she'd be breast feeding and couldn't leave the little one, she should have said no. It's your day! Her gift to you should be low friction attendance (or non attendance). Good luck and congrats! Thanks

Bunbaker · 26/07/2015 23:10

"I was happy not to have any crying babies or women breastfeeding during the service"

That wouldn't have bothered me. I would rather have had the parents of the baby, plus baby at the wedding than not have them there at all.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 23:12

I think the same Bun - people don't seem bothered when supposedly good friends can't come because of rules they've imposed themselves and could be lax on if they wanted their friends there enough. Clearly not great friends in first place!

Headofthehive55 · 26/07/2015 23:18

Ah zee but the bride has no say in who is allowed into church. It's open to all. Nor can she dictate whether someone leaves the building - that is actually illegal.

I think I wouldn't bother going.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 23:19

I am still wondering if the OP expects the friends family members not to be outside the church and venue. If she is actually gonna try and make her friend go to more of an effort to attend the wedding

Cherryblossomsinspring · 26/07/2015 23:23

I think a fair rule is breastfeeding babies are included. We had a no children policy but said on the invites that babies that were too small to be away from their parents (ie. breastfed) were welcome. We had one very young breastfed baby and everyone else happily left their babies and kids at home (without feeling totally awful and stressed about it). I spoke directly with everyone who had a young baby to make sure they weren't under stress trying to figure out how to be away from it. All seemed happy.

I think the one regret you might have is making the wedding very stressful for a small number of new mums. I wouldn't want to see any of my guests in a bind for my wedding considering the effort they all went to to be there.

Baffled2012 · 26/07/2015 23:23

Piper we sent our invitations out three months before the event so plenty of time to find babysitters. Also they weren't saying "regrettably we can't attend as we can't get a babysitter" they were saying "we can't get a babysitter would it be ok to bring the baby".
What is anti-FF?
Piper have you read all the post? The friend writes......and the next wedding she goes to she hopes he will be invited
What is the purpose of that other than to make the OP feel guilty
And why do you feel the need to be so rude?
I guess the fact you used the c word in your post says all we need to know about you though.

53rdAndBird · 26/07/2015 23:24

Ah zee but the bride has no say in who is allowed into church. It's open to all

Truth! I had a group of Japanese tourists at mine. I think they just came to look round the building and ended up sort of stuck there for the ceremony, but they were very polite about it.

clam · 26/07/2015 23:34

If you want to persist in the idea that it's "your wedding, your rules," then fine. Just don't be surprised if people don't wish to come if you make those rules too rigid.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 23:40

Cherry I think that's a great rule no "child free" weddings - simply babies too young to be away from mum and dad are welcome. People with older children, if they were half decent, would not begrudge that even if their own children weren't invited

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 23:44

Baffled ODFOD - the c word was not aimed at anyone. Bad lady swears. Yawn. I have RTFT - I'm not sure you have. I have said if the comments were as anti-FF as they were anti-BF there'd be uproar.

And your friends weren't trying to guilt trip you, they were probably clutching at straws for an invite and checking in case they actually meant enough to you that you'd want them there after all, baby and all. Clearly your aversion to seeing someone breastfeed was more important than having a loved one and their child there.

spicyfajitas · 26/07/2015 23:46

" if she knew she'd be breast feeding and couldn't leave the little one, she should have said no. "

If it's her first, I'm sure when she accepted the invitation she would have had no idea about what her baby would be like by seven months.

Only1scoop · 26/07/2015 23:46

Agree Baffled ....I think with that 'next wedding' comment the friend was being indirectly pushy.... and it would have made me feel uncomfortable.

clam · 26/07/2015 23:48

I think people are perfectly well able to differentiate between nephews and nieces of the bride and groom (what on earth are your siblings saying about excluding their kids behind your back? ) and breastfed babes in arms, as opposed to every other guest's children.

That aside, the whole tone of your OP is rather unpleasant. I'd tread carefully with this wedding planning if I were you, in case you find you alienate everyone who has managed to pass your entry requirements.

KatyPeary · 26/07/2015 23:54

Just skimmed the thread. Well, there's 10 mins of my life I'll never get back. I do hope it's a wind up. I suspect not.
I'm with all the YABU camp. I agree with you all.

But what a disrespectful ignorant thread.

Ignorant of breast feeding, ignorant of a child's basic needs for its mother and all she provides. What an attitude to the most vulnerable, in our educated civilised society.

Hugely disrespectful to children. Gosh. Some of you must really think children are such a burden and an annoyance. Makes one wonder. Civilised nation and all that.
And so disrespectful to your 'friend' and her efforts.

Also op, you need to ask yourself what matters. Your day, or your ongoing friendship. If it's the day that matters then politely thank your friend for her efforts and tell her she can't come to your wedding. She'll be massively relieved.

For the record we had 37 guests at our wedding, 6 of them children. We had a ball. Believe it or believe it not, the kids were a charm, - they were positively, erm, human- had as much of a ball as we did, and were a lovely addition to the day.

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