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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressure re baby at wedding

486 replies

DeeDee40 · 26/07/2015 16:44

Hello AIBU? Getting married in a matter of weeks. Decided not to invite kids due to cost,type and size of venue. Means that DHs nieces cant come too but thats choice were happy with. A friend contacted me today hinting re inviting her baby who will be seven months by then due to bfing! The message said that her family will have to keep him outside church and reception and phone her when he needs feeding and she hopes the next wedding she goes to will invite him!???? does she expect her family to bring her baby into my wedding ceremony and reception.so she can bf him? My DH not happy as he feels shes trying her luck majorly and if others can find babysitters some of whom have smaller babys then so can she. Not happy

OP posts:
LibrariesGaveUsPower · 26/07/2015 22:19

A wedding isn't your house zee. and you didn't say babies, you said bfing was icky. Which is either childish or deeply traumatised. If the latter, I am very sorry for you, but it isn't normal adult behaviour.

threenotfour · 26/07/2015 22:20

I don't understand people who refuse to have babies at their weddings. Why not? I understand children as they cost money to feed and sit, etc. but babies who are breastfeeding especially cost you nothing. You just cause upset and stress to their parents / your friends.
Yabu.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:20

It's fine zee you just go ahead and break the law. It's only friendship. And I'm sure if when you were bottle feeding your child you'd have immediately stopped if a 'friend' told you to? I just hope none of your friends do BF and have to be subjected to your childish ignorance by telling them to stop. That's if you manage to keep any you sound very me me me.

Noodledoodledoo · 26/07/2015 22:21

LibrariesGaveUsPower really? as it pretty much sounded like the accusation was there. I have the audacity to not be 100% attached to my baby and have worked bloody hard to make them secure in this fact, I also involve my husband.

I am fully aware others have issues with combining feeding and have supported mums when they have needed to make decisions on all sorts of feeding issues. I know very few people where this has been the case long term as they have come up with solutions if they really want to do things. Sorry that's my experience and I know a lot of people who breastfed who all offered me advice, I am the last in a large group of friends to have children so get a lot of advice.

PosterEh · 26/07/2015 22:24

I wouldn't go to half the effort your friend is going to do she can be there (having family hang around near the venue with baby in case he wants a feed. It sounds like she really wants to be there (I'd have just declined the invitation when my dc were under 1). She's not "trying her luck" she's making a real effort. Why not just tell her that you'd rather she didn't come than she bring her baby so she knows to stop bothering.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 26/07/2015 22:24

Er, having lots of friends with babies doesn't make you an expert in infant feeding. Why do your experiences and anecdata count and not those of other posters Noodle? No one is denying or accusing you, but you seem to be saying no one else should have a 'long term' issue?

zeezeek · 26/07/2015 22:24

As I said previously DH and I legged it to Vegas to get married to avoid the whole issue. I'm saying that I don't like seeing breastfeeding. My mother is the same. It is the only thing we share. I have friend who also think the same. We all bottle fed our children. I'm allowed to think its icky without being deeply traumatised my mother fucked us up but not through refusing to breastfeed or being childish. People are entitled to their own opinions - some people choose not to include children in some events. Parents of said children can decide to a) decline an invitation or b) find child care for their child. If that child is breast feeding they can a) decline an invitation or b) do what OP's friend is doing and arrange for said child to be brought to the location (though away from the party) when it needs feeding.

Where is the problem?

itsaruddygame · 26/07/2015 22:25

Zee I am suprised you have friends to invite to social occassions.

OP I can understand people not inviting every Tom, dick and harrys children to weddings but 7 month old breast fed babies can't really be apart from their mothers for long so don't know why you have such a problem with a tiny baby attending. A babe in arms that won't take a bottle cannot be compared to an older child or a bottle fed baby.

Also can't understand why your nieces/nephews are excluded - it's pretty miserable imo. I wonder how you would feel if your brother or sister excluded your children in the future.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 26/07/2015 22:26

Because it's childish to think a straightforward bodily function is icky. It's a bodily function. It is a neutral thing. And totally separate to not wanting babies (however fed )

PosterEh · 26/07/2015 22:28

I know lots of babies who fed regularly and wouldn't take a bottle at 7 months. Some of them were offered bottles from birth and then stopped taking them later on.
Also, if your baby is still feeding a lot (which most are at 7m) then you'd be horribly engorged if you missed a feed and at risk from leaking and mastitis. Some women can pump to mitigate this but pumping doesn't work well for all women.

zeezeek · 26/07/2015 22:28

OP - you wedding, your rules. Stick to your guns, if people want to duck out at points for whatever reason then let them. Whatever anyone else says, it is your day and you are entitled to spend it exactly how you wish. Good luck.

Janethegirl · 26/07/2015 22:29

Your wedding, your choice OP.

I avoid them like the plague so I'm happy not to be invited in case I cause offence by declining the invite!!

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:31

zee you are allowed to find BF icky, but it's a shitty thing to do to impose that complex on your friends and put your own quite frankly juvenile issues above that of their infant's needs - and feeding is a need. Why not just get past it like everyone else does! I can't stand watching people chew with their mouths open but if they do in my company I get the fuck over it because I'm a grown up. Would you have stopped bottle feeding your baby at an event if the host found it icky? Or have been fine if they didn't invite you and your child somewhere because bottle feeding made them feel queasy.

I also got hitched in Vegas but no baby or breastfeeding reasons behind that, but there are some crazy wedding politics it seems!

I also don't see the problem the OP has, her friend seems to have found a solution!

Bunbaker · 26/07/2015 22:32

"Also can't understand why your nieces/nephews are excluded"

I can't understand this me me me obsession with child free weddings. OH and I had a small wedding, and it wouldn't have occurred to us to not have SIL's children or my cousin's children there.

We are both very much family orientated so only had a handful of friends at the wedding because family was more important.

zeezeek · 26/07/2015 22:34

My friends are all cool with my beliefs and god forbid the majority of them share then. So sorry, Piper, but I'm really not the social outcast you want me to be!!

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/07/2015 22:35

Both my DB and my Dsis had child free weddings. It has not impacted our relationships one jot that DS wasn't there.

I am invited to a cousin's wedding later in the year. DS isn't invited and nor is DP.Shock It doesn't bother me, I'm going and I'll have a great time.Grin

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:35

Also can't understand why your nieces/nephews are excluded - it's pretty miserable imo. I wonder how you would feel if your brother or sister excluded your children in the future.

This. No way would I attend my DB, Dsis and DBILs weddings without my kids, not that they'd ever say not to. What goes on at these weddings that children can't be privy to? Or is it just that people find all children inherently irritating? I get not inviting 30 kids but very close relatives being excluded - just kinda mean!

zeezeek · 26/07/2015 22:36

Bunbaker - not everyone is family orientated and some people actually prefer the company of their friends and know their friends better than some family members.

LilyMayViolet · 26/07/2015 22:37

You are absolutely entitled to have your wedding the way you wish but some very stringent rules may mean less guests. It depends what's more important to you.

I'm not saying that in a judgemental way. We're having a very small wedding and it's been extremely hard to stick to the small number. Some people may be a bit offended and I do care but not enough to change our plan! We had a huge wedding (civil partnership) last time so wanted this to be different.

Noodledoodledoo · 26/07/2015 22:37

Did I say I was an expert - no - but I am giving a different view point. A view point which is just as valid as everyone saying its impossible to leave a 7 month old.

I know one of my friends who was in this situation but this was by choice and never offering a bottle full stop for any reason. Her choice, which I have no issue with but she would have just declined such an invite and not made it into a issue.

I know long term issues can occur but if people are keen enough to find a resolution they can do - be that not going to events (without the organiser being called a bridezilla, attention seeking or people hoping she is going to have a shock when she has a baby, which is just horrible), or trying alternative solutions.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:40

So sorry, Piper, but I'm really not the social outcast you want me to be!!

Hmm

I don't want you to be a social outcast, but do you really think it's ok to put your childish sensibilities - which you're by large you're very much alone in - above that of a friends baby's needs? And you still haven't answered my question about would you stop bottle feeding a baby if a friend said it was icky? Which btw is about as likely as someone asking a guest to stop BFing because they, the host - and the most important person in the world, after all they spent money - said its icky? I suspect you'd tell them to piss off.

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 26/07/2015 22:40

piper yes but it's not got the mum to present the host with an alternative position is it?

The invite is no children. So that's that. You have children you have to accept that you may not be welcome with them at some events.

We had 4 kids and that's our choice so we wouldn't dream of foisting them into other people or pushing them into child free events. That's spectacularly rude.

A child free wedding is what it says in the tin. Child free

Itsmine · 26/07/2015 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 26/07/2015 22:43

Clearly describing breast feeding as 'ikky' is childish and daft.

mindthegap79 · 26/07/2015 22:44

zeezeek you sound incredibly arrogant. Maybe one day we'll meet and I'll squirt you with a well aimed boob.