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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressure re baby at wedding

486 replies

DeeDee40 · 26/07/2015 16:44

Hello AIBU? Getting married in a matter of weeks. Decided not to invite kids due to cost,type and size of venue. Means that DHs nieces cant come too but thats choice were happy with. A friend contacted me today hinting re inviting her baby who will be seven months by then due to bfing! The message said that her family will have to keep him outside church and reception and phone her when he needs feeding and she hopes the next wedding she goes to will invite him!???? does she expect her family to bring her baby into my wedding ceremony and reception.so she can bf him? My DH not happy as he feels shes trying her luck majorly and if others can find babysitters some of whom have smaller babys then so can she. Not happy

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 21:37

zee you're being goady for your bizarre anti-BF comment. Why exactly wouldn't you want to see it? Is it ok in place where you're not parting with money?!

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 26/07/2015 21:39

zee - do you not see that there is a difference between saying that you don't want a baby at your event (totally your choice) and saying that you don't want to see breastfeeding (which sounds like you think bfing is something icky and in itself distasteful ).

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 21:39

Oh and OP when you have a baby of your own I can bet you'll look back and cringe at your behaviour. Kids aren't dogs, you can't just shirk them off and you will find you don't actually want to. Everyone's different I guess - I love children at a wedding, I think they make the day and look so bloody cute in their little outfits - especially wee boys in mini tuxedos Grin

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 26/07/2015 21:41

It's your wedding so your choice op.

I bf my 4 children and didn't expect preferential treatment or the world to stop and bow homage at the wonder of my motherhood.

She sounds a pain in the arse

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 26/07/2015 21:43

Oh and at my wedding we had loads of children. Each to own.

dietcokeandwine · 26/07/2015 21:43

With the arrangements you describe OP it sounds like she'd just pop out discreetly to feed baby when necessary.

I don't think you're unreasonable to stick to your child free rule at all but it does sound as if she is trying to find a workable compromise.

I also don't think you'll necessarily look back on yourself and cringe once you've had and breastfed babies of your own. We had a 'no DC apart from godchildren and family' at our wedding, for numbers reasons. This meant four sets of friends with BF babies declined the invite. We accepted the declines graciously. No one fell out over it and we all had enough common sense to see it from the others' perspective.

Nearly 15 years and three DC (all breastfed) later I don't regret our decisions at all. Small DC and weddings don't, as a general rule, mix happily. Having babies of my own only served to reinforce that original opinion!

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 21:46

Ruled she doesn't want preferential treatment she's found a very good workable solution. Which th Op and her OH have for some reason still got pissy about

reni1 · 26/07/2015 21:47

YANBU, your wedding, your rules. Child free for one must mean child free for all though, I remember my resentment at having paid £100 for a babysitter plus expressed loads of milk only to find some children at said "childfree" wedding.

But YABVU about babysitters, expressing breast milk and bottle feeding. These don't work for everybody and until you have walked in those shoes you should not judge your friend for it.

cerealqueen · 26/07/2015 21:53

I get why people say no kids, but people generally accept babes in arms with good reason.
Could you agree to that one exception? They don't cost anything. Be clear on your expectations though.

zeezeek · 26/07/2015 21:55

I am not being goady. If women want to bf then fine. I didn't. I do find it icky and do not want to see it if I am in a position to choose whether I see it or not. This includes parties/events that my DH (who feels the same) and I host/organise. It is our choice. We are adults living in a free country and we have that choice. Just as OP has a choice about whether or not to want children at her wedding. I never assume that my friends want my children present.

53rdAndBird · 26/07/2015 21:58

If I ever get married again, I am going to insist that all my guests breastfeed. Babies will be handed out at the door to anyone who doesn't currently have one. It would be worth it for the AIBU.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 26/07/2015 22:01

Having children present is not the same as viewing bfing as icky! One is a perfectly reasonable decision. The other (bar complicated psychological trauma) is childish and ridiculous as a view of a normal bodily function.

Noodledoodledoo · 26/07/2015 22:03

RigglinJigglin you really judge your friends that way - well pretty much all of my friends stated before I had even thought about the wedding - ie when I called to say I was engaged - don't bother inviting the children we won't bring them.

Micah It wasn't easy 'to have it all sorted' but I have a commitment once a week which ties in with bedtime so we worked hard at making sure I could stick to it to give me a bit of a break but hey I guess that makes me a shit mum who sometimes puts herself first for an hour a week.

I completely understood the impact of no children, I spoke to all my friends prior to the invites going out - it wasn't about me wanting to be the centre of attention - it was more to do with the additional cost of over £1000 to cater for 30 odd children.

maskingtherealme · 26/07/2015 22:03

We had a 'no child' rule; sort of!

We were having a small wedding (30 guests), no entertainment (married at 4pm, wedding breakfast and that was it!) The room had a maximum number (40) and the next room was far too big for our 'Plan B' of invites (maximum 150)!

We allowed the best man's child (just turned 2) as our wedding was 150 miles away from home and they had nobody to rely on who their son was comfortable with for 2 nights. Without the best man, it would have been an odd wedding! We also allowed a colleague's daughter because she was breastfeeding. Al other children were not allowed. We very politely explained why. All gladly adhered (the chance of adult time away) except one ex-friend from Uni days who then cut ties. Her choice!

It is entirely your day and you have the absolutelt choice of who to invite. However, you have to decide what is more important - friend or the atmosphere you are trying to create.

We explained to our guests that babies who were breastfeeding were allowed to come and they were fine with it.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 26/07/2015 22:06

Noodle -no one is saying you are a bad mum. It was just the lack of awareness that you could have tried just as hard as you did and still not have had a baby who took a bottle without trauma. I know a mum who went back to work at 4 months who had to stop bfing because her baby wouldn't do both. Doubt many would go to those lengths for a wedding though.

LondonLady29 · 26/07/2015 22:08

YANBU.

Of course she's hinting for you to invite her baby there's no way she intends on having her family loiter outside with the baby.

Child free weddings are common she can either go to the event or not, or go go to part of it. I would respond:

"I'm sorry this is creating a difficult situation for you, because we've had to say no to all other children including DH nieces it won't be possible for you to bring your LO to the wedding as it would upset too many others who have made other arrangements. If your family are happy to have him nearby that's great of them, if you can't manage it we'll miss you but understand."

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:12

Actually zee you do not have a choice to insist people don't breastfeed at an event you've paid for. How arrogant. And childish to find it 'icky' - you may have heard that it's what breasts are for?

JackSkellington · 26/07/2015 22:12

YANBU, your wedding, your choice to have it child-free. Anyone who isn't happy about it doesn't have to attend.

CitrineRaindropPhoenix · 26/07/2015 22:12

My post was for the op.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 26/07/2015 22:13

Well quite Piper. Equality Act 2010 I believe. Though of course you can decline to invite kids.

Micah · 26/07/2015 22:13

Noodle, not saying you're a shit mum. Just your post came across a bit smug, suggesting if people had tried a bit harder, or did what you did, then their babies would be happily taking bottles too. It may have worked well for you, but someone else could have done exactly the same and still ended up a bottle refuser.

I have learned that very often, when parenting works out the way you want it to, it's generally through luck and chance rather than happening across a magic formula or any sort of parenting brilliance.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 22:15

If the OP ever returns can she clarify if she wants to ban her friends relatives from standing outside the venues? Which a) I'm sure you can't legally do and b) is a massively nobbish thing to try and enforce

Bunbaker · 26/07/2015 22:16

" I do find it icky and do not want to see it if I am in a position to choose whether I see it or not"

And you said you weren't being goady Zee Hmm

zeezeek · 26/07/2015 22:17

PiperChapstick - my house, my rules. I don't invite children unless it is a child-friendly event.

Janethegirl · 26/07/2015 22:17

Like the response londonlady, however if mine were still young enough I'd use it as an excuse to avoid the wedding completely.

I hate weddings and I'm trying to work out good excuses to use when my dc tell me they're getting married Hmm

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