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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU - my friend pinched a boy

351 replies

mamasilla · 26/07/2015 14:48

My friends and I took all kids to a soft play area today. After 10 mins one of the kids came crying to us saying that another boy had punched him as he wanted to take a toy of him, he identified the kid to us so we decided to keep a closer eye. Five mins later the same happened to my girl. I went over to where the mom was with her friends and asked her to keep an eye as this boy was upsetting the rest. When the mom dismissed my point I pointed out that it would be very unpleasant if one of our kids punched him back. She said that her kid knows how to look after himself (the boy must have been 4 or 5 years old). When it happened the third time one of my friends reacted and pinched (not punched) the offending kid on the arm (his mum continued to be oblivious).
The debate then started, was she being unreasonable? I'd be interested in hearing your views!

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/07/2015 10:00

Orange it's always a discussion worth having.

It's one of the reasons I tend to avoid soft play places during times when they are busy.

ShortandSweeter · 27/07/2015 10:02

get the police involved. evil

DixieNormas · 27/07/2015 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeVase · 27/07/2015 10:05

Thankfully I never went to them and happily don't have to now!!! I struggle with my DS (14) but I love having teenagers!!!

It was always the parents that were the problems - the kids were usually fine - and I suppose that is the point at the heart of the OP really isn't it. You have one ineffectual parent and another who thinks that it is ok to pinch a pre-school child.

Right - one teen up and ready to go, the other should be up as lots to do today. Got to go and "get on with stuff"

Thinking of you and your DD - how lovely for you NeedsAsockamnesty

ilovesooty · 27/07/2015 10:46

crustsaway began the personal attacks on the first page by calling someone a drama llama. She followed up with goady comments about political correctness and the serially offended.

It was hardly surprising that she got the reaction she was courting. I'm sure any personal attacks on her can be reported and deleted if MNHQ see fit.

marujadelujo · 27/07/2015 11:00

Have we finished the slanging match yet? As OrangeVases said, it's a topic worthy of a good debate.
What do you do when a parent like the one in the OP refuses to stop their child from attacking yours? The one suggestion in this thread was to fetch the shopping centre management, which might work if you caught the right sort of manager at the right moment. But you can't do that in a public playground.

Tequilashotfor1 · 27/07/2015 11:36

maru

I'd just leave. Life is too short and too many playground to get hung up on debating whether or not to strike out at another child. I'm not going to draw battle lines at a place for children.

onedayiwillmissthis · 27/07/2015 11:59

gosh...just waded through whole thread

Am in agreement with Crusts.

When my daughter (about 18 months old I think...cant quite remember, she is 34 nowGrin ) decided to start biting in anger, I, as an adult was able to control my own bite pressure sufficiently for her to realise that she didn't like being bitten.

I bit her once.

I did not draw blood, rip her to shreds or leave a mark that lasted more than a few seconds.

As far as I am aware she never bit anyone again Grin Now , I don't know if that was because she then realised that it hurts and didnt want to hurt others or because she was scared of being bitten back.

And frankly I don't actually care which it was.

She stopped biting. End of.

This resulted in her being a much nicer child to be with, other children (and adults) were safe from her biting and thus happier to play with her.

At least she didn't become 'that' child - the biter, who the other children and their mummies avoid.

Hmm Which outcome would have been worse for her in the long run, eh?

DixieNormas · 27/07/2015 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 27/07/2015 12:21

This reply has been deleted

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NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/07/2015 12:31

Same as mine Dixie, telling them no and removing them worked quite effectively.

ChwatFeechers · 27/07/2015 12:46

You have to apply enough pressure for them to feel the bite though?

Completely beyond me how anyone can believe biting a child is ok in any situation, it's monstrous.

rosesanddaisies · 27/07/2015 13:14

As a social worker you go to cases where things are in question

This is deeply concerning! How on earth does a social worker (Crusts), who happily admits to biting slapping back her kid etc, fairly police a situation whereby there's abuse within a family? She condones physical pain being given back to the "naughty" kid, so surely that means her judgment within cases such as these would be to allow physical punishment further than maybe normal people would?? Maybe she would be blind to it, because she thinks it ok? Or maybe make a joke of it with the offending parent, saying "the little shit needs to be made to feel pain, it's the only way he'll learn. Just keep doing it until he figures it out", etc Confused

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/07/2015 13:22

Biting them back teaches them it causes pain - it does not teach them how someone else feels when they bite them. That is called empathy and only starts to develop naturally when they're developmentally old enough to begin to understand, usually closer to the 3 years age (at about the same time they begin learning to actually play with other children not just alongside them. Biting an 18 month old ffs. At that age it's just about cause and effect for them in much the same way they'll chuck food off their plates and smile as they watch you pick it up! They're not being naughty they're testing their environment.

Ds went through a biting, pushing and pinching phase, as did most of his similarly aged friends. At 4.5 he's one of the most caring little boys you could hope to meet, not because I bit him back to show him pain but because I took the time to explain how his actions might make others feel as in shocked, angry, upset, frustrated etc. That's something you can't teach a child just by biting them back!

LavenderLeigh · 27/07/2015 13:42

In fairness to Crusts she never said she is a social worker. I think she is a child care worker, so maybe a child minder or working in a nursery?

onedayiwillmissthis · 27/07/2015 14:52

OK...having mentioned this thread to my husband...he has pointed out that she was actually 2 1/2 when this happened. He remembers the incident well and agrees it was appropriate for me to do the same back to her (with less force, I might add).

She is all grown up now and has 3 beautiful children of her own. One of them has occasionally tried the biting tactic to get her own way...I have not and would not bite her back.

Not my child, not my rules. But I wouldn't judge a mother who was actively trying to teach their child some control and behaviour rules.

I find however, that I am fairly frequently shocked by the many mothers who appear to not give a flying f*ck how their little darlings are behaving. And that includes them physically attacking other children and getting away with it...sorry but that little "now we don't do that, it's not nice darling" has no effect. Yes, they may 'grow out' of it, all on their own...eventuallyHmm but in the meantime why should other children suffer at their hands and teeth.Angry

DixieNormas · 27/07/2015 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 27/07/2015 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FundamentalistQuaker · 27/07/2015 16:43

Where is the OP, I wonder?

SoleBizzzz · 27/07/2015 18:15

My Grandmother told me to bite DS back but I just couldn't. A firm NO! didn't stop him either. He grew out of it before too long.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/07/2015 22:50

In essence there is nothing wrong with saying "we don't do that" or "that is not nice" or a combo of the two. It's when you do not combine it with adiquate supervision and other methods of reinforcing it because rather half arsed.

And I have a new grandson he's rather lovely

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/07/2015 22:50

Becomes not because

Hellion7433 · 27/07/2015 22:55

You should have spoken to the manager about the boy instead

marujadelujo · 28/07/2015 07:48

I'm really torn. Corporal punishment is a bad thing on the whole, but the pinching mum in the OP disciplined the child puncher in a way that was far more effective than leaving or looking for management.
It's a good thing for anyone to learn that you can't go around punching people in public, and punching boy's mother obviously wasn't going to teach him.
The punchees' parents had tried doing the right thing by alerting the puncher's mother, and it hadn't worked. I have a strong feeling that searching for a centre manager would have taken a long time and produced nothing by more frustration all round.

Hellion7433 · 28/07/2015 12:09

How is pinching a child more appropriate and productive then telling management? Management could easily ask the boy/mother to leave or behave properly.

Alternatively instead of pinching, it would have been better to reinforce the correct way to ask for toys when someone's using them.

If it was my child who had been inappropriately pinched, I'd report it. It's in effect a minor assault and I would have real concerns about the pinching friend working in a childcare setting. I'd not want her caring for my child.

Also that mother could have easily thumped your pinching friend OP! That would have been rough justice in some warped way.

In my opinion though it's best to lead by example. The apple rarely falls far from the tree.