AIBU - my friend pinched a boy

[mamasilla]

My friends and I took all kids to a soft play area today. After 10 mins one of the kids came crying to us saying that another boy had punched him as he wanted to take a toy of him, he identified the kid to us so we decided to keep a closer eye. Five mins later the same happened to my girl. I went over to where the mom was with her friends and asked her to keep an eye as this boy was upsetting the rest. When the mom dismissed my point I pointed out that it would be very unpleasant if one of our kids punched him back. She said that her kid knows how to look after himself (the boy must have been 4 or 5 years old). When it happened the third time one of my friends reacted and pinched (not punched) the offending kid on the arm (his mum continued to be oblivious).
The debate then started, was she being unreasonable? I'd be interested in hearing your views!

Guess what, they grow up and if youre a good parent they become able to confidently fly away, as my son is. Of course I worry and want those little bones still in my bed, i want to keep him safe and warm. I cant have that any more. He's nearly gone to uni. My job, as him being in my care, is nearly over.

Whos going to call me a bad parent now then?

So maybe a granny soon then dixie? Son is only 17 but I was a late mum.

I'm not young.
Both DDs are over 20 and I'm about to be a granny.
Biting a child was never acceptable even way back in the 60s
You had an issue with a child : you either spoke to the child or to the parents. Just like now.

The thing is Crusts that you would bite the child but you wouldn't dream of biting the parent whose ineffective parenting was the real issue. There's no way you would bite them as a) they would probably thump you and b) they would probably ring the police and have you arrested for assault.
Why then do you believe it acceptable to bite a child in the circumstances described in the OP? Because you think it's different when it's a child? Because you think it's not assault when it's a child?

Peace and love please

I'm neither young, nor serially offended (I think you might mean Po). I'm 48 next month, with two DDs of 22 and 17.

I just asked MrStratters, and DD1; they are both shocked at biting small peoplez

*Peoples

No of course your friend wasn't in the right, I can understand you are defending your child but really they do need to learn to deal with situations like this themselves

If you really thought it was an issue and the mother wasn't helping then you should have approached the staff

I remember similar happening to my ds ( now 10) when he was younger at soft plays, I was desperate to jump in, but I also had to let him figure the situation out and stand up for himself

I think crusts may have a hang over today after her wine and brandy.

Op? Any thoughts? No because that didn't happen.

crusts honestly, can you not see that people are not being hysterical or drama llamas they truly feel biting and slapping a baby \small child is wrong. Oh and so does the law.

Whilst yes I do have young children,I also have adult children and am a grandmother (my second eldest child is currently giving birth to my second grandchild).

i have not had a 3 at the start of my age for quite some time

It is a pity that we cannot discuss the issue without the personal insults and what almost amounts to hysteria.

What the OP's friend did was wrong but a discussion of the issues around physical chastisement, the law, changes in the way kids are disciplined over the years, (and in different cultures) and swapping of similar experiences and how they were handled would have been useful.

This is just a personal attack on a specific poster with threats, insults, assumptions about her life and parenting, competitive outrage.

It is also that unhelpful "black and white thinking" which means that debate and any understanding of the issue is impossible.

I would say that biting a child is black and white orange.

Yes, of course it is wrong to bite a child but that is what I mean. The discussion should be wider than that.

It was common for parents to "bite" children back - but not really BITE - just to say "How would you like it if I bit you? Not nice is it?" sort of way - not inflicting any real pain or damage. (More pain and damage caused by ear piercing for example)

Before I get attacked as a biter of small children I am saying it was common not that I frequently take lumps out of babies.

A discussion about the OP's situation and various related experiences would be worth reading. Attacking Crusts isn't really.

Orange. There are certain actions that for many years now have been well beyond being considered physical chastisement and have been firmly placed in the abuse category.

Slaps to the back of the leg/bum/hand that do not leave a mark of any description for any duration may very well be considered to be part of a emotionally abusive situation but they are still well within the boundaries of legal physical chastisement.

Biting has not been for a long time it is quite rightly considered to be an abusive action.

And for what it's worth so is pinching,it tends to be viewed as physical and emotional harm and quite a hostile and spiteful action.

A parent who promotes biting and pinching almost gleefully then minimises but still defends it when enough people are saying "not ok" is deeply concerning.especially when that parent claims to work with children.

Some parents used up wash children's mouths out with soap. Times have changed. People have learned more about children and how they learn and develop.
Biting children is just as wrong as biting adults. It is assault and it is against the law.

To, not up. Not sure how to turned to up but there we have it.

The situation in which poor parenting of other children means yours is hurt/ at risk/ upset is a really tricky one and regularly comes up on here.

There was thread recently about parents warning other kids to "be careful" and one thing covered was other, often older children putting posters' younger children in harm's way. Threads on bullying and how to deal with it come up regularly.

Talking to parents frequently didn't work. The "authorities" frequently not there or not interested, (especially in school situations). Ineffectual parents who simply say "now, now that isn't nice" seem to be everywhere. So how should we socialise our children?

Really worth a good debate. (I still struggle with my DS by the way)

20 years ago we were receiving referrals from many HV for parenting classes because of biting dixie whilst it wouldn't have produced the reaction it tends to these days it was still quite frowned apon.

That was before sure start and other orgs did mosy of the family support stuff so all referrals went via ss.

And yep everything appears to be going very well indeed just rather slowly as one would expect for a first baby thank you for asking.

NeedsAsockamnesty I agree with your post. It is the personal attacks, insults and lack of debate that mean a thread can degenerate.

Washing mouths out with soap was common - or maybe more of a threat once(?) . ( I don't know how many people actually did it). I was punished with a ruler across my hands when I was really bad at school. And boys were caned in my secondary school, ( 1970's). It was acceptable - most people thought it was ok. Thank God that has changed. Why it has changed is the interesting question though.

I wonder what we do now that will be considered wrong when todays five year olds are parents, (and why)