Use of the words abusive and controlling on MN

[SrAssumpta]

Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.

Garlick, thanks to lurking on the relationship boards, I ended up abusive relationship and have stayed out of it and am on the road to recovery.

However, there have been some ridiculous threads, the cake buying bastard", is a really good example.

Whilst I know that Personslity Disorders are under diagnosed, I also know that Emotional Damage can present as a PD and Sociopaths (oh how MNers love that word) are exceptionally rare.

The finger pointing, is akin to the Witch hunts and in some cases they could be targeting a person in recovery, who is just struggling.

I'm sitting on my hands regularly, when daily I see my boss/Mil/Neighbour is a Sociopath, No they're honestly not.

I think too many posters project their own problems into situations and are desperate to save others that dont need saving.
i once said my dh didnt change nappies but was brilliant at clearing vomit, which was something i was more than happy with. One or two puosters kept telling me he must be crap father and how did i ever go out etc. Wouldnt have it dcs were now teens and he was a really good dad and the adore him. It was ridiculous.

Yes, you are so right OP and it detracts from the real thing in my eyes. Someone only has to see some "slight" and dear god! theyre off! But you often find the ones that scream it and dont let things unfold are rather ridiculous.

garlick do get over yourself.

I have been on mn for about 6 years on and off. As for frothing feminists, when discussing those I give examples.

One example from every years ago was a woman whose husband was annoyed that she had been telling her family what he earned, even though he had asked her not to keep sharing this information. She was told it was abusive because he was controlling he relationship with her family. Forgetting that he was his personal info.

Is that enough or do I need to search all the threads in the last 6 years to prove it?

And i do think there are one or two very controlling posters,but that is from reading their posts over months or years. They use MN to validate their position because there is always one or two posters that agree with them over one point.

I think most posters are sensible and are simply trying to prevent other women from going through the same crap that they went through. I think it is a particularly female tendency to minimise bad behaviour from abusive men in their lives and I think that should be pointed out and support given to women in dysfunctional relationships.

Like it or loathe it women are generally the ones who are abused and left with young children. I know that it happens to men too. I have been a single parent for 18 years and I have hung about with single and married men and women and I have only met one single male raising his children in 18 years. Call me sheltered but that is my experience.

If MN had been around 18 years ago I can categorically say I would not have stayed in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I didn't know one single person on the planet who was going through what I was then and would have loved the support that MN provides.

I hate hearing the 'script' knocked. Ask around, it is called the script because that behavoiur is textbook. Close family members, friends and colleagues of mine have repeated the exact same tale to me for years. It is what it is.

The worst behaviour I see on MN is women who try to stick up for men who are patently abusing their wives and children. I am on a thread where a man threw a set of keys at his wife and verbally used her. He has a temper and is a liability. His own children seem alarmed by his behaviour. There are women on that thread trying to minimise his behavior and are castigating anyone who suggests that she leave him.

If my daughter was in her position where anyone threw a set of keys at her face I would recommend that she rings the police and have that person charged with assault. I wouldn't say the posters marriage is necessarily over but I think women because of their status in society are not taken seriously. Again look at the statistics about who gets killed in marital disputes, men or women? I think we all know the answer.

There are women living today who fled their homes in the middle of the night and slept in ditches to protect themselves from violent partners. It is high time society supported women and made it very clear that abuse in the home, or anywhere, is completely unacceptable.

Sociopaths aren't that rare. Cluster B disorders are estimated to affect about 10% of 'Western' populations, with 1 in 10 of those being a proper psychopath (not all psychopaths do bad things, but they are all devoid of normal emotions.) The higher up the economic food chain you go, the higher the incidence of psychopathy. Also very high in prisons, natch - thick psychopaths, presumably, since the clever ones don't get caught.

It's quite irritating when people insist the conditions are rare & special. Even the stats say that on average, if you know only a hundred people, you know 10 people with Cluster B disorders one of whom has no real emotions.

Spartans I'm sure we could all find threads that demonstrate our perception of MN. Doesn't make it true of the site or it's members though. But I still don't think the words abuse or controlling are used out of context in the majority of threads.

Threads like the meal plan one or the abusive cake buying man are typical run-of-the-mill threads that grow legs and run of into the wilderness. Better to have a few of those around to stoke the hysteria than to curtail the prolific use of emotive language.

Or a few months ago, in relationships, where a woman was upset that Her dh wanted to leave his gym and join one close to his work. He got up at 4am to go to the gym, worked came home cooked dinner and took over childcare so she could go to the gym, then he bathed the baby and put her to bed. He also took over child care all weekend so she could visit friends and family, moved closer to her family leaving him a longer commute because it's what she wanted.

Despite admitting he did everything he could she still didn't want him to join a gym that would save him time because her friend ran it and she felt left out. People still told her he was a twat and she shouldn't allow him to join a gym.

inthebox Garlick as issue with people not using specific examples. So I am using examples.

Imo, some posters jump in with words like abusive and narc far too often and in the wrong context. The same as with words like 'racisim' and 'sexisim' throwing them about is a disservice to people who genuinely suffer.

You're not a Sociopath because you didn't have a spark, so didn't want to hang around and decided to take a cake home, so the night wasn't a complete loss, as suggested on that thread.

What the posters who are using the term "Sociopath" describe, is not someone "devoid of emotion", they've read one book and think they can diagnose someone, whose childhood/home life they know nothing about.

Interestingly, whilst I was going through the process of ending my abusive relationship and undoing some of the emotional damage/abuse (which brings its own issues) I was unfairly judged and branded by someone in a adult education class that I was taking, thankfully this person had no "power", to cause damage in my life.

I don't like incorrect diagnoses regarding MH, because I've seen the damage it does, especially if the diagnoser likes a good gossip.

I've just searched how many messages were posted in Relationships on Friday just gone. I don't know, because my search matched more than 500 messages. I bet there are thousands every day. Are you really slagging off the whole thing because two or three posts may be ill-judged?

Bruffin, those posters didn't make you end your marriage, did they? Of course not, nobody's so gullible they would do so on instruction from a handful of strangers.

If calling abuse can help a woman save her children - but can't harm a healthy marriage - again, where's the harm?

I don't believe I have ever done this, btw - except on threads like the 'abusive cake' one for a joke. My investment is in trying to maintain a strong position on behalf of women and men who are being abused, not personal defence. Abused partners get a welter of advice in real-life, most of which is aimed at keeping them in the relationship. It's important to try and counter that, if possible.

Hear hear Garlick

I didn't think that the OP was talking about the Relationship board, though.

There's been some questionable use of "abusive/controlling/Sociopath" across AIBU and Chat.

No but they did have a good try at telling me how awful he must be.

Birds Whether or not the OP is talking about the relationships board is a red herring. It doesn't matter where the thread is categorised, the point is the OP's view that there's surge in the unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling. There really isn't.

As we're all using examples; there are always threads advising the OP to seek 30 mins free legal counsel. Someone helpful always comes along and says that 30mins isn't 'free.' And even today's thread about a toddler-pinching woman which was obviously going to stir the hornet's nest there were as many people screaming social services and questioning other posters' parenting ability as there were sensible hysteria-free posts.

"" It doesn't matter where the thread is categorised, the point is the OP's view that there's surge in the unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling. There really isn't. ""

There has been on AIBU and Chat.

I'm not going to comment on the other thread, I've joined in and I've directly called the parenting, ineffective and stated that pinching a four year old, sneakily, is abuse, as it is.

You can be a Feminist and not post on the Feminist board, so how the conclusion has been reached that because some of us are agreeing with the OP, we are deriding "Feminist Frothers", I don't know.

The OPs example was a woman meal planning, being branded controlling and a Hands on DH, not being able to choose what gym he attends, I'm not even going to bring up the bat shit crazy OP in "Cake-Gate".

Birds But it does not follow that based on 3 (or however many threads you point out), the site is therefore overrun with posters calling out 'abusive' or 'controlling' at every junction. In the same way that it does not follow that because some posters agree with the OP means that they're all somehow "feminist frothers" - I don't know how that conclusion was drawn but I interpreted Garlick's comments differently.

Tbh, the bat shit threads imo are the ones that say "WIBU to give my toddler a slice of pizza tonight as we only order take-away once a month and I can't be bothered to cook tonight."

Totally agree op. Abuse and controlling are laughably over used on here.

Good someone can laugh at it I suppose.

I so agree! You post anything about some stupid agreement a'la "oh we had a row and now my husband is sulking and won't eat dinner with me"..."LTB he is abusive and controlling and is trying to blackmail you in to apologizing". It's absolutely ridiculous, and the reason I would never ask for relationship advice on here. There are truly abusive and controlling relationships, but on here - all relationships are.

But it does not follow that based on 3 (or however many threads you point out), the site is therefore overrun with posters calling out 'abusive' or 'controlling' at every junction.

But has anyone said the site is overrun with posters calling out 'abusive' or 'controlling' at every junction?

I think what many people are saying is simply that these words are becoming far too over used, and very often wrongly.

Yes and the double standards are astonishing.

If a woman wants to talk to her DP and follows him around during the argument and he ignores her, he is abusive.

If a man wants to talk to his DP and follows her around during the argument and she ignores him, he is abusive.

???

I feel very sorry for men these days to be honest. In real life it doesn't seem to be much of a problem, but on here ... Sheesh

Spot on Mama