Use of the words abusive and controlling on MN

[SrAssumpta]

Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.

You are a MrsDeVere

x

I am very glad to see this thread. The amateur psychologists on some threads who offer definitive advice on very little information can be dangerous IMO. Also the bullying "Why are you still with him?" "What are you going to do about it?" "Why are you still in contact with these people?"

That isn't to say that there aren't abusive and controlling people around . Sometimes posters need a listening ear, empathy and time. They may need to LTB or go NC with someone in the end-but sometimes there are less drastic solutions.

Also there is a lot of projection. People who hate their ex, the OW, their MIL, or their ex's new partner love to give someone else a vicarious kicking.

We are dealing with people's lives here and also by default children's lives so it pays to be careful.

I would like to obtain support for being in an abusive relationship without being harangued to LTB.

It's just not that simple.

My father was very abusive to my mum. I spent the whole of childhood being scared when my dad was in the house. It was the 60s/70s and harder to leave. My mum did leave after 30 yrs.
My dh has suffered from depression and stress most of his life and went through a breakdown/midlife crisis for about a year, 4 years ago.
I never asked for advice on here because i know what the advice would have been and he would be dead now. I have never ever been scared of him/ although i have been very scared for him.
i have seen do many women told they should not help their dh with depression,it is up to him to get help etc I got dh appointments and went with and talked for him when he couldnt articulate what was wrong, all of which is wrong according to MN. He got better thankfully, still has the odd bad day but most of the time he is good.

I've sent messages to HQ before about how worried I am that some people are being brainwashed into splitting up their family units over a lovers tiff. I know there is a disclaimer, but I feel really sorry for the vulnerable women with nobody to turn to but these armchair therapists.

Wasn't the reason that LTB became a running joke was that it was so overused?

There are also various posters that whatever the circumstances seem to want to make out that it is more than it is.

I can't help but imagine a few posters typing like this

Get outta my bedroom worra

Not until you tell me why you have a buzzing banana under your pillow

red flags get right on my nerves its like bunting or Dealbreaker i once read a thread womans husband was on his xbox while she mumsnetted and the noise from the game was irritating her anyway a poster popped into say living with a man who played games would be a deal breaker

You have to ask?

Victim blaming is over used as well as goady

@ Worra.

Massive Red Flag' is another over used phrase, most often used by people who are not altogether sure what a 'massive red flag' is.

Yes.

My pet peeve is the misuse and overuse of 'triggers'. To mean anything anything that might provoke an emotional reaction, as opposed to an actual truama trigger to someone who has PTSD.

I get the impression that those who pepper posts with 'trigger warnings' are sometimes more interested in demonstrating their imagined capacity for empathy.

Trigger warnings seem to have petered out for a while they were everywhere. If a threadtitle is clear enough folk will knownot to read it

Or, being generous, don't want people shouting at them.

I must admit I do appreciate some warning when opening threads, but some spurious ones upset me. I was quite upset the other day about a cat that had been killed but that was given away in the title.

The thing with abusive relationships is that it is like those optical illusions at funfairs; the one I always think of is one I used to go on as a little girl where you sat on a bench and the house span around you and you felt as if you were going upside down. I was often sick after that and my mum and dad used to try to get me to enjoy it by laughing and saying 'but you're not moving - it's an illusion.' The logical part of my brain knew that; knew if I was actually upside down I'd fall out, but it didn't stop me feeling I was upside down and feeling frightened and feeling sick.

That's what my relationship is. Mumsnet, to me, is my mum sitting next to me saying - it's an illusion, don't be scared, this isn't you, this is him.

Anyone who hasn't been on one of those rides is probably wondering wtf I am on about.

I was once told I was exposing my children to abuse because we are still in contact with my difficult MIL. She is difficult, but there is a lack of acceptance of different paths or indeed the drastic consequences and distress of going NC with an entire branch of your family (including losing touch with the rest of that family). It isn't even my family to leave, it's my husbands! In real-life no-one has ever remotely suggested anything like this, I think going NC is very much a Mumsnet thing- again appropriate in extreme cases, but not so much for your regular up and down pain in the arse extended family.

Just to make it clear, I don't think there was anything wrong with saying 'have you thought about going low/no contact?' as a potential solution. It was the statement that anything less than NC was applicable to all difficult MILs and that any other path was potentially abusive to your children that I was taken aback by- I think it's the certainty that goes with a lot of these labels which is sometimes startling.

I only discovered MN recently, and whilst it's been fascinating and entertaining and educational in equal measure, I do veer between being astounded at how other people's spouses behave, to feeling I'm very very lucky to have my fabulous DH, to fretting that because he got grumpy the other day and smashed an inanimate object that was annoying him (a fairly common occurrence, as long as its not mine, not too valuable and he's not going to hurt himself I just shrug and dodge shrapnel) that he's abusive/controlling and a would-be axe murderer.

RL is too complex to be resolved by the righteous indignation of a load of remote strangers, no matter how accurate, empathetic, compassionate or well-meaning the perception/intention. I just hope the more vulnerable posters don't take it all too literally...

This thread is , on the whole , the most spot on thing I've ever read on here.

I went to a MN meet up and chatted with the first people I met

'Yes, I'm getting the train home. DH wanted me to book a cab so I could relax but it's a long way'
'I think he sounds controlling' (totally serious)

True story.

Not relevant really but it still makes me laugh,