Use of the words abusive and controlling on MN

[SrAssumpta]

Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.

YANBU. Id like to add "bully" to the list.

"A two year old rubbed biscuit on my leg."

"What a bully. Go NC with the family."

I agree. It doesn't take much for some posters to start talking about abuse and ltb. I often wonder how these posters behave in RL e.g. are any of them in a relationship themselves and do they practice what they preach.

I worry about the amount of armchair psychology and how damaging it could be

Completely agree.

I also hate the piling in sometimes. I have to sit on my hands in the step parenting threads as it seems step parents are devil incarnate. You could be Mary Poppins and people would find fault.

YANBU OP

It's the same with EA. That's very often used too when there seems to be no justification for it.

It's the NC thing for me. Now I don't doubt that some people are related to arseholes and are better off having nothing to do with them but there are times on here I wonder if anyone can stand their parents or in laws. The advice to go NC (especially with the ILs ) is thrown out for the most minor offences or irritations.

I truly hope people take a lot of the advice on here with a barrel of salt...

I never see LTB trotted out for inconsequential stuff (this seems like a MN myth), but I agree about the overuse of labels like (emotionally) abusive and controlling

Narc, abusive, controlling, all used easily, sometimes on very scant information.

Also "Why exactly are you still with him?" and "Does he have any redeeming features?"

It's all very black and white and easy to diagnose from behind a screen.

closer I remember a thread about a minor AIBU over the emptying of kitchen bin when a poster in all seriousness said she'd leave her DH in the same situation. The LTB thing has become myth for a reason I think.

For ages i thought nc meant name change gawd i was confused

I worry about the amount of armchair psychology and how damaging it could be

Also in agreement, as well as the cry of "so what are you going to do about it?" I think some posters take it as a personal affront if others don't LTB immediately. Yes, there are women who are vulnerable and abused, but not everyone falls into that category just because they've had a fall out with their partner.

Yes. Great topic.

To indulge in further questionable armchair psychology, I think a lot of the people posting that stuff are still hurting from previous bad relationships of their own and are taking out their feelings on OPs' partners.
There seem to be no shades of grey; it's assumed that all difficult people, especially men, are incapable of change, that there isn't such a thing as a bad patch. There is an odd hypocrisy whereby a high level of control and invasion of privacy is recommended when a partner cheated, but at any other time it's considered abusive (cf the work of Shirley Glass; other approaches to relationship psychology exist but you wouldn't think it.)

There was a thread not long ago where a poster asked if any counsellors reading could give their opinions on the cheaters' "Script": that was a startling difference between the professionals' approach and greater empathy for all sides - that common behaviours exist but individual clients should be seen as individuals and not stereotyped and dismissed (paraphrase) - whereas the board seems to go for "aha! it's the script! LTB! That man is not worth talking to ever again."
There's an encouragement not to see partners with difficulties as whole people with their own reasons and feelings (which are just "selfish") - yes, there's a point at which that might be necessary for a while in order to detach, but pushed over and over again, it can be an obstacle to actually relating to someone where that's still worthwhile, and to the kind of insight and understanding that's ultimately psychologically healthy as a way of making sense of people.

And yes, I get very annoyed when I see people advising changing the locks. If the man is a co owner or tenant you can't just lock him out of his house because he's gone on an all night drinking spree, for example.

To indulge in further questionable armchair psychology, I think a lot of the people posting that stuff are still hurting from previous bad relationships of their own and are taking out their feelings on OPs' partners

Spot on I think.

I agree, OP. Totally. Unless a situation sounds utterly dire, we should be careful about using them.

I have joined in some light hearted threads about DHs and DPs and their quirks. Inevitably the armchair psychiatrists show up, asking why we put up with it, why we don't all LTBs and how our lives would be immeasurably richer without them.

Quite unsolicited and wrong advice. Remember that you are meddling in other people's lives will barely any if the information you need.

I would be willing to bet that for some of the things my DH and I have said and done in the heat of the moment over 22 years of marriage there would be some on here who would have just delighted in the opportunity to advise us each to LTB. It would have been totally wrong. My biggest supporter, love of my life since the age of 19 and my best friend gone!!! No thanks.

When the man has a female friend it's always emotional affair and they should stop all contact on the spot with the wife having unlimited access to all devices for checking purposes.

Yy to marwoods post. Some of the self appointed experts who seem to live on the Relationships board are worryingly forceful with their advice and opinions.

I totally get that many people need advice or support in coming to a decision but a bit of understanding that this is Someones real life and not a soap opera.

I think sometimes it's a learned MN response that's simply trotted out, and possibly often by those who pretend to have a far more equal relationship than they really do.

In my mind there are one or two quite prolific posters who frequently post the 'learned response'...it could almost be straight from the pages of every feminism book ever written.

But from other everyday normal threads, I do get the impression that they're not really living within the equal relationship that they claim to be.

So the person being told to LTB, probably thinks 'Oh I wish I could be as strong as so and so', and ends up feeling even more shit.

I don't know if that ^^ makes sense to anyone but I'm too hungry to type eloquently

There's some really weird interrogating that goes on too.

"We need more information on... OP"

"Is he normally this controlling"

"Does he have form for this" (my personal most hated)

And if the OP isn't agreeing or immediately taking advice, people can really turn on them. It gets a bit pack mentality.

It's control-freakery to start moaning about when & how other people use the word controlling.
(oh the irony, FFS)

"Abusive", "Are you depressed?", "your child must have SN" and "You can't be too safe" are overly stated on MN, true enough.

Have definitely noticed these terms being used without definitive grounds - I imagine it's done in a well meaning way, but I think they are definitely bandied around unnecessarily. I can understand if someone has been in such a situation there is a capacity to recognise such behaviour where the OP may not see it, however sometimes certain scenarios are ambiguous and possibly innocuous, and there is a lack of caution in responses that immediately leap to the conclusion that there is an abuser / victim situation going on. YANBU

Yanbu terms are over used. Tbh it's one of the reasons I took a break from mn a few years ago and came back about 6 months ago. Personally I found it worse then.

Narcissistic as a term really gets me annoyed on here. It's quite rare but some people tend to think anyone they don't like is a 'narc' it's ridiculous. Even worse when you seem the same posters objected to 'ocd' being thrown around

Made sense to meworra

I think there are some posters who have previously done wonderful things to help people genuinely in abusive relationships see the light and escape and now they are seeking that 'thrill' again by diagnosing every single person as being in an abusive relationship.

I saw a thread a couple of months ago where a very well known and well respected poster told an OP that her husband was clearly faking an illness in order to shirk his parental/spousal/adult responsibilities. An illness that had been diagnosed by at least two doctors, an illness for which he was receiving NHS treatment, an illness which the OP herself had said she totally believed was genuine. When you are un-diagnosing people from three posts their spouse made on an internet forum, you really, really need to have a word with yourself. IMO, of course.

YANBU. I honestly thought one poster must be a publishing agent as their first post on every relationship thread was to recommend a particular book, which from what I can make out is crammed full of all these terms.

There's a lot of "my spidey senses are tingling op, get your ducks in a row, he's definitely having an affair, change the locks and put his clothes on the drive".
...When the dh is five minutes late home from work and op is simply posting to grumble that she'll be late for Zumba as she needs the car.