Use of the words abusive and controlling on MN

[SrAssumpta]

Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.

I think you shouldn't take things to heart, some people will agree with you and others won't.

Rose v.true.

Come to think of it there was a thread once on Feminist chat in which the OP had pretty much said that we should be careful with the type of advice we give on the relationships board, cue everyone saying that the OP didn't have a clue what they were on about and would be happy for a woman to stay in an abusive relationship.

Another thread once on the relationships board asking if LTB is always invariably the response given. Cue everyone saying similar 'well would you rather women stay in abusive relationships?'

I suppose a great deal of it depends on which board you post on. Swings/Roundabouts.

worra
Poor bloke obviously a NARC, wonder if he bought himself some flapjack. Oh God no that would be sexist

yabvu, the only times I have seen these terms in Mumsnet are the dire situations a some Mumsnetters are encountering, usually they come on here when their most vulnerable. These terms can be extremely useful in terms of describing to them what is hapoening or what has happened to them. More often then not, the Mumsnetters using these terms have been in abusive relationships themselves or still are, their situation is mabey familiar with the OP.

i do not doubt that narcissistic, EA and LTB are overused.

I have similar feelings about boys in dresses, about Tory scum versus selfless Labour, and how many faces we can make as we discuss food banks.

Is it possible that just one woman might be helped? Then carry on, I say.

Worra
I wrote that the cake man sounded like a 'big girl's blouse' but was flamed as being deeply misogynistic. For this I humbly and deeply apologise.

Some posters are quick to label anything done by especially a man as abusive or controlling. They are of course difficult words to define and the behaviour is even more difficult to define, but some people are way too quick to jump to conclusions, I don't think most of us are really involved with abusive men.

the only times I have seen these terms in Mumsnet are the dire situations

Really?? I must spend way too much time on here then because these words are dotted all over the place and certainly not only in dire circumstances.

A few mumsnetters believe letting a baby cry is neglect and abusive and will pop there opinons willy nilly into threads about trying to get babies to settle hardly supportive is it not what a shattered on her knees new mum wants to hear.

I have SrAssumptia, situations where op has said she is being physically abused, emotionally, whereby the man controlling her, gaslighting her, being verbally abusive, controlling her financially. Usually when I have seen it, going by the description of the op, it is justified. Usually op gets some great advice, from people who have been in similar situations, and which organisations can help. Mabey like Autism us now, it DA is more easily recognised. Btw I have a dd with Autism.

Oh I'm not disputing that at all aero and that's why the careless use of the word in situations that are blatantly not abusive bothers me so much, because it just dilutes the meaning and is just becoming something people say without thinking. The meal planning for example but there are so many more I could name.

On here in AIBU, those terms are used because the op situation really is desparate, I don't know about other parts of mumsnet

We must read completely different threads then I certainly don't think the camembert eating OP was controlling, did you?

I don't think I read that one

Thankfully the Camembert op seemed to have a sense of humour and wasn't easily offended

aero there's no doubt at all that sometimes the use of those terms is necessary because it's often glaringly obvious the poster is in an abusive relationship, I don't think anyone is suggesting it's never appropriate. However some posters rush in with ridiculous opinions and advice without having anything like enough information to make these assertions.

The Camembert one sounded like an advert for Lidl tbh

Worra

I was on that thread! It was flipping hilarious.

Agree the word abusive is over used. People seem completely unable to understand that doing something that makes you unhappy does not make your partner an abuser.

But the worst for me is the poor analogizing (especially on the relationships board)

OP: Last night I came in late and my husband hadn't done the dishes. AIBU to be angry?

Poster: Not at all. I know exactly how you feel. My ex-husband didn't do the dishes once. Later that night he shot my best friend and burned the house down. Call Women's Aid. LTB!

It's control-freakery to start moaning about when & how other people use the word controlling. - YY!

To be fair, meal planning is controlling. It's the whole point, isn't it? To control your diet, your shopping and your schedule. It ain't necessarily a bad thing, but it's the opposite of spontaneous or free choice.

The occasional loon (ref: first date cake thread!) in a huge community doesn't define the entire community.

Wrt relationship threads: If everybody who was being abused, knew they were being abused and understood how to get abuse out of their lives - there'd be no need for DV services, would there? Since there's still a screaming insufficiency of DV services, I think it's safe to assume that many people still need to have it shown to them.

If you're in a balanced relationship, a whole army of folks telling you that you're being abused can't make you believe it. So where's the problem?

Amusing post, Apple, but no thread on here has ever been like that.

I agree Garlick but I didn't think it was amusing, just full of ridicule.

YANBU. It pisses me off. Everyone on here who has trouble in their relationship is apparently with an abusing and controlling arsehole. They may well be, or they may be the arsehole. Or no one is the arsehole and they just don't get on anymore.

garlick apples post maybe slightly exaggerated but I have seen similar ones.

Oh, these threads are like gripes about all the frothing feminist man-haters, aren't they?!

If you look really hard, you can find some misandrist feminists. If you refer to them a lot, adding in a bunch of normal feminist remarks taken out of context or twisted, then keep on about it, you can convince a fair amount of slow-witted folks that feminism's about irrational man-hating.

Similar thing happens on here every few weeks, with people quoting the occasional irrational post as evidence of Mumsnetters falling over each other to label All The Men abusive & controlling, then agreeing with each other that it happens all the time - even if they have to make stuff up and then say "similar things happen"

It's almost as if it were the same phenomenon - crowds of people trying to prove that women must have something wrong with them if they criticise men behaving badly towards them. Fancy that!

agreed garlick.

Well, actually, the OP was referring to a post in which a woman was labelled controlling.