Use of the words abusive and controlling on MN

[SrAssumpta]

Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.

I think certain posters ought to be able to claim commission from Lundy Bancroft.

YA so NBU OP

I was engaged to a real control freak and all round sociopathic b'tard.

The way it is chucked around here by some is indeed pretty insulting to people who really were Controlled or in a real Abusive relationship .. bruises as well ! To me though the worse of it was the emotional abuse, how he got into my head, bruises heal , ,emotional wounds not so much.

for all of us who Survived

I think there are some posters who have previously done wonderful things to help people genuinely in abusive relationships see the light and escape and now they are seeking that 'thrill' again by diagnosing every single person as being in an abusive relationship.

I think you've hit the nail on the head right there.

It's worse when you start questioning posters about their reasoning and it's clear they have blatantly made it up. A few times I have gone back and re read the thread as I don't understand where so posters are getting their info. I feel like I missed a page, but turns out they were 'reading between the lines'!

Or the 'oh your husband has been quiet for 2 days, he must be having an affair. Read the script.......it will show you I am right'

I also hate the piling in sometimes. I have to sit on my hands in the step parenting threads as it seems step parents are devil incarnate. You could be Mary Poppins and people would find fault.

This.

The ones who get me are those who come on a thread, make a note about perhaps a spelling error, and that's it , Nothing to say about the opening post at all !
The bully element on here is something else. I posted a thread the other day and was accused of being some rather thick sounding Troll ! I am sure MN could confirm I am certainly NOT some other poster reincarnated. Its insulting and due to the DV relationship when others come and join in I do type something that may be swear words ... still at it on the link but let them show their idiocy , not my problem.

It occurs to me that a lot of the armchair psychologists seem to read silly books written by women who have no idea about RL.
Very easy to tell people who are really at their wits end to ltb he's a narc, abusive, controlling, etc
Have they actually experienced any of this? If they haven't they're not qualified to bandy around silly words. The N C one gets to me as well. How would they like it if when their children grow up and go NC.
There are some lovely posters on this site who don't deserve the crap they get. for anyone who is being upset by twatish passive aggressive narcissistic abusive controlling NC posters. Oh I forgot ltb

Oh yeah

"I suspect an OW"

Because he bought cheddar instead of Wensleydale, or something equally unaffair-ish.

YABU. i've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, which included alienating me from my friends, gaslighting me and being incredibly controlling.

BUT I didn't have words for any of those experiences. I stuck with it for three years, trying to make myself into someone that wouldn't set him off. Yes, "walking on eggshells" another MN label.

I ended up suicidal.

If I'd known about MN back then I think I would have been helped to see what was going on and. I would have LTB before I got so badly damaged.

But he was genuinely all those things, imust. That doesn't mean we should use those labels indiscriminately to describe people who blatantly aren't being controlling or gaslighting.

I'm another who undoubtedly would have ended my marriage far earlier if I'd known more about abuse.

It still doesn't mean I don't think that abuse is bandied around here far too casually.

A lot of the terms being quoted here: controlling, abusive, narc etc are prolific on the relationships board, however, with good reason imo.

Obviously those with healthy relationships aren't going to start a thread along of the lines of:
"My DP is wonderful, he treats me as an equal and has an enormous amount of respect for me, what should I do? Is this normal?"

By it's very nature there's going to be a great deal more use of terms such as abuse, controlling etc on the relationships board. I don't think they should 'tone it down' lest everyone starts to develop a warped sense of what constitutes abuse. And a great deal of the so-called minor things that are blown out of proportion can in many instances be the straw that broke the camels back. So if a poster says her DP came in stinking drunk the previous night and pestered her for sex, whilst I don't agree that the immediate response should be LTB, that one incident could be a series of many, the tipping point that gets the OP to post and make sense of their relationship.

mustgodown can't you see that there would have been more chance of you being helped if those particular words weren't being thrown around for the most average situations. It would be very hard to see the wood for the trees if you'd read six threads with people being told their DH was abusive then to be told yours was, you would start to think it's just something people say but if it wasn't thrown around quite so much you would be more likely to sit up and take notice.

Narcissistic is definitely another one, it used to worry me the amount of these newly singly narcissistic men that were wandering around!

It just seems you can't really mention your relationship in any sort of normal way without it someone "picking up on something", a light hearted thread about how to enjoy my free weekend while DH goes away with is brother turns into when was the last time you got to go off for a weekend OP?

tocleanmyhouse
Yes exactly, dontcha know we only have Camembert.

Im never on the relationship boards these words creep into chats about babies teenages mil moany threads about partners they are not exclusive to relationship board

I hate it as well. I think it is incredibly unhelpful and I am VERY careful with my words when talking about stuff like abuse. People who are genuinely in abusive relationships may think that people are "over reacting" as there is so much of it about.

Can you imagine the outrage on here if men advised other men how they should handle their wives/partners the way some posters advise on here!! And how quickly we should go NC with family cos MIL told DGC to sit nice at the table.....'she's toxic! 'She'll poison your child against you!' And then they talk about people being 'entitled!'

Oh absolutely MrsJay and I think it's much worse when it's a MIL or friend being accused of these things because it's usually just a case of different personalities, different family dynamics etc. I think it's much more dangerous when it gets thrown around by someone thinking they're Jessica Fletcher on a normal/lighthearted thread!

And equally it might not be, ymba, so it's probably better to wait to find out before people start saying he's abusive.

I literally burst out laughing the other day when someone started a thread saying, she'd been on a first date with someone she'd met online, which lasted about an hour.

He'd bought them both a drink and when she offered to buy the second, he wanted to head off home instead and bought himself a slice of cake to eat when he got home.

Someone actually suggested that she'd dodged an abusive man and that buying himself some cake was a deliberate act to belittle her further?!?!

Fuck me. They met online, had a drink for an hour, he obviously wasn't keen so he politely ended the date and grabbed himself a slice of cake.

Yes, clearly an abusive man who deliberately belittles women

I'm not sure, surely if you're in a basically sound relationship but just having a rant, you'll take LTB with a pinch of salt?

But if you've posted to say DH eats all my chocolate, what a twat, but actually that's not all he does, he 'accidentally' double books weekends so you can't see your friends, and other controlling behaviours, and you realise that all the things that have been worrying you have a name, then you've got more information and maybe a bit more power?

Narcissism seems to be very prevalent

While I think advice and support on here can be great there is certainly those that seem to look for issues

There is also ownership of particular conditions, sil can't be depressed as she showers and wears make up everyday, friend has not got OCD as she has a messy house and so on

YANNU. It's usually projection but it's tiresome.

Possibly so imust but you could only work that out after the poster shared the additional information surely? Whereas the issue most on here have is that people are replyin to "Ffs DH polished off my dairy milk" with suggestions that he is abusive or disrespectful or whatever. They don't wait to see if there's a bigger picture or not.

Worra