to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

Well said Fanjo

" Inclusion isn't just including easy kids who can behave perfectly well.

Not that anyone's child should be hurt...they must be protected. .but inclusion will usually involve putting up with some behaviour which is not as easy as that from NT kids."

Either because they are twats or because there's been some really serious bullying.
I wouldn't let my child invite everyone but 1 just because that 1 is annoying and spiteful and she didn't like them, I'd work round a solution of a smaller, better party to avoid the issue.
Although I do remember one parent inviting the entire class and rainbow pack, except one girl (call her x) who attended both because her pfb wanted to be best friends with y but y was already best friends with x. So it was apparently in aid of nudging along a friendship. That is a level of twat all by itself

I agree, unfortunately some people are nasty and spiteful, and have never left the playground. They will justify to themselves and others, that it's ok to do this.

I would not hesitate to exclude an aggressive child.Firstly becauseit is my child's party- why should they have someone who hurts them there?Secondly because I have a duty of care to all the other little party guests.

I need to go back and read the thread but i just want to comment on this:

how can a child be bullied age 4/5

Well my dd was bullied at that age by a girl in her nursery class. My DD is a small 3 and she was pinned down and repeatedly smacked accross the face with a toy . To the point the school had to phone me to warn me before i picked her up. She had scratches down her face,, swollen lips and nose.

Then throughout the year this child hit her, pinched her and scratched her. the school tried to do something about it but the mother had the same ideal as above. Her child couldn't possibly be a bully.

Thankfully for reception they are in different classes.

And if my dd had had a birthday party this year, that child would not have been invited, why would i?

I invite the kids my kids are friends with.

My job as a parent is to protect and nurture my child and so I wouldn't invite a bullying little shit to celebrate their birthdays.

It's like saying you have to invite the whole zoo even the jackals, lions and hyenas when you know they'll chew your arm off.

Well this is a good insight into the mindset of people who do this

All I've seen so far is people wanting to protect their own children.

I have. I'm not inviting a child who treats mine like shit, and who's mother looks down on me, to a party we're paying for. Simples.

I said it's a good insight. .that was the purpose of the thread, yes?

One lad, J, in DS1's class was often left out. He wasn't even that naughty but his mum's face didn't fit with the other parents. J came to a party at our house and was lovely. However, the following year we had a big joint party for both DSs and numbers were limited to 14 friends each - both in classes of 30. DS1 didn't choose J - ok, but then J's mum booked him a party on the same day and it became obvious that some others were going to DS's party instead/as well. I felt bloody awful about that.

DS2 has had an absolute little sod in his class (no SN) and I would invite him if we were not in my house for a party - but no way would he cross the threshold.....

I have excluded some, though we went for just over half the class invited. would never have invited nearly all children excluding a few. older children who have been particularly vile wold notget invited but I am assuming that i would only be inviting a few then anyway.

My DS had a joint party with another boy in his year for their 6th birthday and we invited every boy in the year (about 25).

DS had been saying that he didn't want one boy (A) to come as he had been nasty to him. He specified that A chased him, hit him, threw stones at him, spat at him, etc. I thought that DS was exaggerating and I told him that we couldn't possibly invite all boys and leave A out.

A was a bloody nightmare at the party and pretty much ruined it for DS and for me. Not only did A follow DS around (indeed hitting him and gobbing on him), but he deliberately ruined all the games and the magician's act. He knocked the limbo over, knocked everyone's spinning plates over, tried to switch off the music, kept interrupting the magician and going into his bag etc. I eventually had to make him sit down on a chair and stay there (I had to stay beside him) so that he wouldn't spoil any more of the party.

If I was doing it again I would still invite A so that he wasn't left out. But I would make bloody sure that A's mother left her phone number this time.

If my son was bullied by a child in his class, no way would he be invited to attend DS birthday party and of course you get bullies at age 5! I was bullied at the age till I was 9!

I see all the time on here adults getting upset over being left out of something and not coping well with the disappointment.
My dc have been left out of parties a couple of times and it didn't kill them, it taught them a life lesson, they don't get upset they just accept it and carry on with their lives.
My dc are popular and well liked so this wasn't often, I suspect that has something to do with the fact we don't act all entitled when it comes to party invitations

And for DS's 7th birthday we had a smaller do just for him and invited about half the boys. A was not invited.

I never had this problem with ds because he went to a special school and they didn't have parties.

Dd went to mainstream and got the occasional invite.

Some nice parents even invited ds along too.

It must be nice in your ivory tower, Fanjo. In the real world, I'll continue not to invite the bullying little cow and her coterie who made my DD's life so hellish from ages 6-9 that she told me when my father died that she 'wished I was dead with Grandad in Heaven so I wouldn't have to go to school anymore'.

It wasn't physical bullying either, it was verbal, exclusionary, vindictive and aimed at a child with additional needs (DD has dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia and thought processing issues) who would cry herself to sleep every night and refuse to go to school because of how this little bitch was making her feel. This kid was top of the class, NT and popular. Her parents were actually lovely, non-abusive people that we got on well with, who appeared to have no idea her daughter was being such a bitch (on advice of the school we said nothing about it, just seethed silently).

Why the hell would I invite this poisonous little brat to be within 5 miles of my child and what the hell gives you and others on this thread the right to be judgy towards me and others because of it?

Sorry, but the whole tone of this thread has made me really cross. I would never and have never excluded a child because of SN, but I will not be characterised as a twat because I want to protect my child.

Funnily enough, when DD had her first party after we'd changed schools (she's a different person without the constant bullying) and invited a couple of her friends from the old school, they told us that the bully had been boasting to the playground that she'd been invited too... we soon disabused them of that notion!

In an ideal world, of course the school and any other adults involved, should make sure that children are included and children are kept safe - but sadly that doesn't always happen.

If a child is being physically attacked and hurt, or bullied by another child, it wouldn't be fair on the victim if the person who hurts them was invited to the party - but equally, it would be u fair to exclude the child because the adults around them have not stepped up and intervened appropriately.

So what is the parent of the party host child supposed to do. They could have small parties, but is it right to tell a child they can't have a big party because they have been hurt/bullied/victimised by another child, and despite this they are supposed to put the other child ahead of themselves?

Is it right that a child should have their birthday spoiled by having the child who bullies them/hurts them there? It would mean putting your own child's happiness second to that of another child, who has already made them unhappy and hurt them. I don't know that I could have done that, if we had been in that situation.

I was the bullies' victim, all through the last year of junior school and into senior school, and they made me suicidal by the time I was 14. I don't knkw if any of the bullies had SN or difficult family backgrounds - but even in my mid-teens, I was obviously not a good enough person, because there is no way I would have I vited any of them to any party of mine. But luckily for them, my mum didn't believe in parties for children over 8, so it was never an issue. Sadly she also didn't believe in taking action when your dd tells you she's being bullied, or supporting her or backing her up at all.

Love since when did I say you should invite bullying kids?

And what ivory tower is this?

My words were "this is a good insight into why people exclude children" no more and no less. It was the reason for the thread.

If you are taking that as some kind of judgement on your own actions then I suggest you have some issues going on that you are taking out on me?