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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

806 replies

Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 13:45

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/07/2015 14:13

If there is ONE parent of a child with ASD, who goes to mainstream, here, whose child HASN'T been excluded from most parties I would be very surprised.

I.e. everyone does it and it's not just an 'MN thing".

HPsauciness · 23/07/2015 14:14

Just to be clear, there were 30 children in the class, eight of whom were invited, but they were all girls and I did wonder if the few girls who weren't invited might be upset.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/07/2015 14:14

I must have ignored them Aunty, parties are in my distant past now, thank fuck!

ollieplimsoles · 23/07/2015 14:14

chipped yeah I think they were about that age Hmm from what I remember a good few people were saying don't invite him (me included) but a few others said invite the whole class as they are all so young.

But he was physically nasty to the OP's son if I recall it right, and he was actively tormenting him (would chase him around and punch/ kick him)

I think kids should be able to enjoy a party, and if one kid was causing trouble I would leave them out (and have no trouble telling parent why).

ollieplimsoles · 23/07/2015 14:15

Fanjo

Thats very sad indeed Sad

MissDemelzaCarne · 23/07/2015 14:16

My DS was often excluded as he has AS. Children would come to his parties but not invite him to theirs.
He blithely told me that John told him "Mum says I'm not allowed to invite you to my party because of your behaviour disability."
DS still wanted to invite John to his so I let him and his cheeky bitch mother was happy to send him.

formerbabe · 23/07/2015 14:17

Again it's a lack of empathy...If my dc gets bullied, I am not only upset for them (it breaks my heart) but I also feel sorry for the child who is doing the bullying. I wonder why they are doing it or what's going on in their life.

Original poster
Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 14:18

Ollieplimsoles one of the problems is that what can be perceived as bullying behaviour at 4/5 might actually be undiagnosed special needs.

OP posts:
cjt110 · 23/07/2015 14:19

Never had it happen (DS is only 11m) but I wouldnt invite anyone he isnt friends with or who he doesnt like. That just seems odd to me. However, that would then naturally (I hope!) only end up being a handful of people rather than a whole call bar a few.

II wouldnt invite a bully, and I wouldnt exclude any child with a disability. But if the latter were not invited it would only be because s/he isnt friends with my son, not because of the disability.

I was always left out of invites at school. Its shit. Perhaps thats why Im not that bothered about lots of friends now

GraysAnalogy · 23/07/2015 14:19

Ollieplimsoles one of the problems is that what can be perceived as bullying behaviour at 4/5 might actually be undiagnosed special needs

That is a problem of course. But that doesn't help a child who's being bullied, whatever the reason behind the behaviour.

PosterEh · 23/07/2015 14:21

In my experience the children being excluded are more likely to be the children being bullied rather than the bullies themselves.

MamaLazarou · 23/07/2015 14:21

It's very sad when children with SEN are excluded from things. A very different thing from not inviting the bully.

eminthebigsmoke · 23/07/2015 14:23

I wonder how much effort is made in early years settings to include children with disabilities so that they form friendships?

On a separate note I really worry about some of my DCs behaviour - he is 4. He roughhouses with the other boys at nursery, which I know is normal, but there's other stuff like laughing at people who have fallen over or hurt themselves, and occasionally he just gets a surge of something and will have moment and bite someone out of nowhere.

I am terrified that he bullies now but the nursery staff don't see it. Or that he will at school. I bloody hope school will tell me if it does happen.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/07/2015 14:23

I wouldnt exclude any child with a disability. But if the latter were not invited it would only be because s/he isnt friends with my son, not because of the disability

Well that's kind of the point.the kids with SN probably aren't friends with anyone.

Thank god for the lovely few who think past their own nose and invite the kids with SN even if they aren't friends with their kids. lovely people.

Moodyblue1 · 23/07/2015 14:23

I've never done it, my DS hasn't ever been invited to anyone's birthday party though so it must happen (or people round here don't have parties) my DS kind of flits between groups and doesn't have a solid friendship group so if they are only inviting best friends type of thing then he will probably never get invited.

I was pretty cross on last day of term though as the parents had organised a big get together with all the children after school and no-one mentioned it to me or DS so we only found out about it when people posted the pictures online saying how lovely it was to have the whole class together! Thankfully he hasn't seen so is still none the wiser

DebbieFiderer · 23/07/2015 14:24

Fanjo, there are two children in DD's class with ASD (one diagnosed in Reception, one diagnosed this year in Year 2). Both get invited to all the class parties and are very much included in friendships. To be fair, both are quite high-functioning, also I can see the extent to which they are included possibly declining as the children get older and begin to notice the differences a bit more, but for now the are accepted as just another member of the class.

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2015 14:25

I never did the whole class party thing, as I believe kids should have their friends at their parties, and not just kids they happen to be stuck in the same class with.

Therefore we've always gone with 12 or 15 kids that my DC actually want there.

I've never invited a bully and told my kids to suck it up and I never would.

CoteDAzur · 23/07/2015 14:25

"the child was 4/5? How can they be a bully at that age????"

You would be surprised.

"How" usually has to do with terrible parenting.

formerbabe · 23/07/2015 14:25

Eugh! Some of the comments on this thread really show grown adults in a bad light. Does no one consider why a child may be bullying others? Where's your empathy...They are still children.

Biscetti · 23/07/2015 14:26

Meh. If a child makes my child's life a misery then, no, I would not invite them to the party if that's what ensures my child has a lovely party. Regardless of whether it's the only one invited. I wouldn't invite an arsehole to my party so wtf should a child have to tolerate it.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/07/2015 14:26

Debbie. .yes it does sound like they are just included as they are able to pass for NT really. Kids with greater needs would probably be less included i fear.

But it's good to hear anyway.

BabyGanoush · 23/07/2015 14:26

It seems that many agree it is never ok to exclude because of SN, yet if it's a case of a bully it is ok

But what if the bully has SN? And is physically violent?

I remember a violent (strangling, punching, anger issues) SN boy who would come to DS parties, and to be a bit shocked when the parents dropped and ran! I had hoped (expected) they'd be standing by in case of a meltdown. That party gave DH and a few grey hairs Shock.

anyway, the solution was to keep inviting the boy, but asking the parents if one of them could stay.

The thing that parents of children with SN sometimes forget, is that not all adults deeply know their child, and know how to deal with unexpected violence/screaming attacks etc. That's why it's good to have a parent stay around.

Surely that's a fairly simple "solution", no?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/07/2015 14:27

Yes..if parents are given the option rather than their child just being excluded.

WyrdByrd · 23/07/2015 14:28

There are so many different variables I don't think you expect everyone to have an all or nothing approach.

I don't hold all class parties - never have. I don't have the patience to deal with that number of kids or the budget to invite people for the sake of it. I'd rather DD have smaller numbers and, for example lovely themed tableware & nice party bags rather than filling them with plastic tat (although she's almost too old for all that now, and yes, I am slightly anal about things coordinating Blush).

I would never ostracise a child for the sake of it, but equally if my DD had genuine concerns about inviting someone I wouldn't force her to. I wouldn't invite someone I was unsure about to an event of mine, so why should I expect her to just because she's a child.

I'm in that situation this year to a degree - she was very good friends with a lad at school for a couple of years but this year they've drifted apart and he has been really unkind to her at times and tried to interfere with her other friendships. She's adamant she doesn't want him to come to her birthday party, and it makes me sad as they used to have a lovely friendship and I'm very fond of his grandparents who I've seen regularly on the school run over the years, but I just don't feel that forcing her is appropriate. I'm hoping she might change her mind over the next couple of months but it will ultimately be her decision, just as it is mine to invite the four colleagues I am friendliest with to my birthday celebrations, rather than the entire office.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/07/2015 14:29

Glad you kept inviting him baby.

If that party gave you grey hair can you imagine his parents lives? :)