to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

I think that if there is a child that you, perfectly legitimately, don't want to invite, don't do a while class party. Whole class means whole class.

Former, in my case Empathy for the bully has vanished after glue stitches/ to a head wound, strangulation causing marks & bruises on neck, many punching & kicking incidents, threatened stabbing with a craft knife, need I go on?? I see this as entirely different to a child with SN.

My son is recently diagnosed with SPD and dyspraxia, and he often has limited awareness of personal space, doesn't get social cues etc. I've seen him get up in people's faces, not in aggression but curiosity. I can see that some kids might not tolerate that and tell their parents hes pestering and "bullying" but it's a part of his wiring.

this happens to my son - he is not poular in school because he is different. he cries when the invites are given out and ther isnt one for him. i think thet should at least be given out more discreetly. he is not a bully and the teachers praise him saying he is polite and well mannered round school. i cry for him too as it also breaks my heart

It's a hard one. I would not want to exclude a child with SN. But if that child was consistently attacking and upsetting my child then I'm sorry but I wouldn't extend the invite, and I don't see how anyone can think that's unreasonable.

I say this as someone who was bullied by someone with ADHD. It wasn't his fault, he had a lack of support from the school for one, but that didn't make me feel any better when i was being spat on, bitten hard enough to bleed, punched, my clothes ruined...

It's generally not just aggressive kids with SN who are excluded.

It's all of them.

I don't think it's hard at all. If for whatever reason there is a child that you or your DC don't want to invite, then make the party a smaller one. There's no law saying every party must be a whole class party.

I'm not actually talking about a whole class party now River, I'm talking about excluding a child who has SN. I think the topic has moved on from the original 'inviting the whole class except one'

Sorry, that came out wrongly. I think it's horrible for a child to be excluded for many reasons, including SN. But in answer to the op's question, surely the adults arranging the party can have some social graces and not make it blindingly obvious that just one child out if 30 isn't invited.

X post, sorry.

If the aggression or other undesirable behaviour is as a result of special needs and you exclude the child as a rest of that, you are excluding them because of their disability.

It's an unpalatable truth.

I don't see the point in whole class parties either. Surely it's just more expense just to have kids there who your child isn't even friends friends with? Like don't they have their little social groups, why not just the group?

I used to have a bit of a cry when my sn child who was in mainstream was invited to a party. You could count on one hand the number of invited they got even though I always stayed at the party.
It was all because most of the parents seemed to think that all children with ASD were violent, even though their own children told them that my child had absolutely no behaviour issues at all.
My other child with no sn was the only girl in the class not invited to a girls only party, the birthday girl was actually bullying my dd so she would never have gone anyway but even the head was disgusted by the girl and her mothers behaviour.

chipped

Okay then, what would you rather people do?

What's an unpalatable truth is that a child with SN might be making another child's life a misery. It's not their fault, but that doesn't make it any better from the point of view of the child does it? It doesn't make the words or physical hits hurt less?

Well the school should be stopping that.

greysanalogy there's no need to be defensive. I'm just pointing out that disablism takes all sorts of forms and in the minds of some, can be justified.

And I'll bet the parents of kids with SN are fully aware of how tricky their child's behaviour can be.

And I'll bet the parents of kids with SN are fully aware of how tricky their child's behaviour can be

Of course, but like I've said, that doesn't change how it effects the other kid.

Well the school should be stopping that.

Definitely. But what they should do and what happens isn't the same.

Well school should not be allowing violence to happen as they should provide the correct support.

It's a shame if both children are suffering because of that.

Children should still be taught tolerance and inclusion , while being kept safe.

If school isn't doing that then clearly they are failing both children.

When it comes down to merely preventing challenging behaviour at a party..the child's parents can come and closely supervise.

Inclusion isn't just including easy kids who can behave perfectly well.

Not that anyone's child should be hurt...they must be protected. .but inclusion will usually involve putting up with some behaviour which is not as easy as that from NT kids.

I don't see the point in whole class parties either. Surely it's just more expense just to have kids there who your child isn't even friends friends with? Like don't they have their little social groups, why not just the group?

Well many of the parents at my DC's school had whole class parties to almost 'guarantee' their kids would be invited to everyone else's parties.

Sometimes I think it's more about the parents and how they feel, than the kids themselves.

It happens because some people are twats. One of my brothers was always excluded from parties. No one could have called him a bully (though he was the target of bullies) so they found some other excuse. But he was without question excluded because of his SN.

In my experience the children being excluded are more likely to be the children being bullied rather than the bullies themselves.

This.

Ime if children with SN are excluded it's not because they show aggressive behaviour but because they're often on the outskirts and thought of as "a bit weird". There are several do with ASD at my ds's maknstream school (including my own ds). The three that I know well are lovely, the opposite of challenging or aggressive or bullies ( I have yet to meet one single child with SN who is a bully), but are on the fringes. One in particular is extremely friendless. Luckily there are lovely parents and a good community so no exclusion from within that group, but it is generally the case as a pp said that children with SN that affect behaviour are much much more likely to be excluded without thought as they are less likely to have friends.

Many posts started on the SN boards about this all the time