to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

I expect so too, PosterEh.

Unfortunately, part of DS's behaviour associated with his ASD is that he can seem to get fixated on another child who he perceives has slighted him in some way. I worry that this unwelcome focus coupled with his aggressive outbursts could amount to bullying. I suspect he did not get an invite to the party of one girl with incredibly lovely parents due to this kind of behaviour. I thought it was fair enough.

But that is because it was based on observations of DS's actual behaviour. Not a prejudice.

DS has received a fair few party invitations. Where he has been left out, he has sometimes been upset, and I just explain that not everybody gets invited to every party. DS didn't want everyone at his party this year either, so I remind him of that too.

DH or I always stay at parties and intervene as needed. If DS was spoiling it, we would take him home.

DS made me break another MN rule - around the time of his diagnosis, he was really struggling, and we had to pull out of a couple of parties on the day. I felt very bad about that.

We've always invited the whole class but other parents haven't been the same citing 'finances' as the reason, but it hurts DD when invites are given out and she's not included, and hurts me to see the party pictures on Facebook - especially when one mum said her DD 'wasn't having a party'

So for DDs next party, I'm only inviting those who invited DD to theirs (providing she likes them of course) might be a bit of a problem where cousins are concerned though and they do everything together etc

It has been done to my child because I believe the mother enjoyed doing it to children she had a track record doing this with her older child. I didn't speak to the mother about it as I felt both her and her dd liked people creeping around them to get an invite. Dd always has a whole class party despite the fact that she was badly bullied by three girls in her class including the above mentioned dc. What made me laugh was the three dc or their mothers couldn't be bothered to reply to any party invite I sent. One dc even told dd that she wouldn't be caught dead going to dd party.I think they thought because they wouldn't go other children wouldn't go. They guessed wrong

In fairness I can think of 2 girls like curly describes. One is actually plain spiteful eg will do something on the sly to someone who will publicly and openly respond and then run off crying at their meanness which to all intents and purposes was unprovoked. Backed up by adoring parents who see no wrong. The second (and her parents) just have no concept of anyone else. Eg she says 'give me that now' the other child says 'no get your own' and so on and then her parents back up her claim that the other child should have been more caring and their poor dd has been left crying by the other childs selfish behavior. Luckily dds school is v good, and dd is a gobshite confident enough not to have been more than exasperated for years and capable of putting her side across. So annoying as it is given its neither childs fault I've always felt it's something more than worth tolerating if dd had a large party. But I do have some sympathy with the fact one girl who is more sensitive than dd has had a shit time with both the second girl and her parents, so I could understand if they'd ever excluded her. Unlike my dd theirs doesn't inflame the situation but gets the same grief for not respecting their pfb. Plus the fact now neither gets invited much to things or indeed have many friends the cries of 'bullying' are getting louder. And I imagine I'd feel differently if school had allowed it to continue unchecked.

I agree with CurlyhairedAssassin actually - far too many adults - especially woman - seem to have learned the lesson that you must put up with poor behaviour from people in your life and no matter how badly people treat you, you must still be nice to them and continue to include them. The relationship board is cluttered with woman who seem to think their feelings should be less important than the feelings of people who treat them badly.

Children should learn their feelings matter, the reasons for someone else's bad behaviour aren't always an excuse for it. Children should also learn there are negative concequences for bad behaviour.

More at school left out one kid - no number issue then went nuclear when her other little darling was left out twice - due to numbers and being a bully

She contacted the parents to ask for an invitation..

Mother at school..

Unfortunately neither child I know has learnt anything, quite possibly because the parents continually reassure them they can do no wrong.
And to add neither have any form of sn, just moronic parenting as the cause.

Back in the real world I expect people are really teaching their children that their feelings matter so much that it's ok to exclude the child who is different, who doesn't have the right trainers, who has SEN, who is a late developer socially. That there are consequences for being unpopular.

"I only invited you because my mother made me. I wanted to invite everyone else but she said I had to invite you too, then."

Is what a boy told DS.
Sometimes not inviting at all can be the kinder thing to do.

My son invited all the boys (and that includes the one with ADHD and a severe anger problem) to his leaving party, all except the bully. His mother is a PTA trustee and a highly qualified professional. In Reception he was a popular member of the class by Year 6 he was not. He is spoilt, tells his mother to fuck off, he kicks children who go to his house, he lies, steals from local shops and manipulates other children. I know there are issues. Doesn't mean I want him in my home or that I will downsize the party because of one troubled boy. My son was leaving not just the school but the country, he wanted to say goodbye to ALL the boys he grew up with bar one. I wasn't going to exclude any of the other boys just to make the bully feel better . Not socialising with people you don't like is just that, a social choice, and my son made that choice. If they were adults he would be considered insane to invite such a person but because they are children he is labelled as a bully for not inviting sociopathic Lord Fortescue . From Reception to Year 6 my son was told for weeks that he wasn't going to the bullies party, he would hold his party over other boys like a carrot for a donkey and everyday changing his mind depending on who he wanted to be his victim that day. THAT is exclusion based bullying, that is the reason he has no friends. I hope for his sake he starts making an effort to be a kind and nice person so he can actually make some real friends in Secondary school. I am not a total bitch but you cannot save all the fish in the ocean and you cannot teach your child to put up with abuse either.

Haven't read the thread but in our case it was because the particular child in question had punched my DS full in the face three times within the space of a term. He was an unpleasant, physical bully who was thoroughly disliked by the whole class.

Chipped I remember being 'bullied' at preschool playgroup by a horrible aggressive little girl who would control who played where and with whom. luckily she went to private school after that so I never saw her again.

My daughter was the only child not invited in the whole school - about 60 children. I know the memory of it still hurts now, about 13 years later. Unfortunately we live in a small village and if your face doesn't fit then you're outcast. I stood up to the mother of 2 sisters who were making DDs life a misery with evil taunts, ever since then they made her life a misery. For that reason alone, we made a vow that we would only ever invite everyone or just a couple of friends to any parties or outings. To leave just one or 2 out is cruel and vindictive and can leave lasting scars.

Again - why should a child who has been repeatedly hurt/bullied by another child have to choose between either a small party (even if they want a large party) or inviting the bully?

Why do the bully's rights/feelings outweigh the rights/feelings of their victim?

I have looked up the definition of bullying and one aspect of social bullying is leaving one person out on purpose.

There was nothing about it being bulling if the child was 'nice' but perfectly acceptable if 'nasty'.

I am not going to teach my child that it is OK to be horrible to some 'because they deserve it', and therefore it doesn't count as bullying! Or not when the solution is simple and have a smaller party.

I don't do whole class parties - nobody locally does. We do a guest per year of age, so excluding is only an issue when you realise certain children are never invited to any of the parties and now my DD'S class are turning 10 it's conspicuous as there are only 14 girls. There are no SN in the class though as far as I know (special schools are more common where we live and there is less mainstream inclusion and no TAs etc.)

However one of my 4 yo ' s best friends has severe language delay (no recognisable words) and I'd like ds to be able to have him at his parties but his mum has so far said no to invites to play, I'm not quite sure why as we run into her at events for our older children and she always says she's happy DC3 is there and the boys run off and play. DC3 seems to understand him just fine from body language. I wish I knew how to get her to let him come and play! I don't imagine she'd let him come to a party if he's not allowed to come and play...

So you are seriously saying that my child should have to invite someone who has punched him repeatedly in the face, drawing blood, to his own birthday party? Bullshit.

If you are insisting you have to have them all ( not necessary IMO as they are never equally friendly with all) then I would have one adult in charge of the difficult one. I would play the dragon from the start, lay down my rules and make it perfectly clear that his parent will be called and he will be sent home if he can't keep them.

Of course you don't Damson? Why on earth would you? But you don't have to have the whole class.

I hate whole class parties anyway- can't see why anyone wants them as it is much nicer for the child to have a few proper friends. By 8 yrs people tended to take out 2 or 3 friends- much nicer IMO.

Generally people grow out of the dire whole class thing once they are in the juniors. They are more common up to 7 yrs.

So the victim of the bully cannot have everyone they want at their party if they are not willing to have their bully present? Right.