To think Dds friends age 9 are a dead loss?

[Orangeanddemons]

It's always the same every holiday. Dd wants her friends to play. They are never available or initiate contact. So dd hardly ever sees them. She has one friend who has been to our house a fair amount. But it's never ever reciprocated.

I now feel embarrassed contacting the parents as the dc are never around or available

cant give yourself a shake.

At the end of the day each to their own. Those not socialising choose not to. Those who want to need to seek out like minded folk!

I totally agree with curlysue
DD is an only child and the only child on both sides of the family so I've had to work really hard to build up a large group so she regularly has play mates, it has meant spending hours and hours meeting other mums in parks, for coffees, finding out about clubs and classes in the area, often spending time with people I don't have much in common with, getting her involved in hobby groups etc but I never made a martyr or a victim of myself/DD and our circumstances, that's not going to benefit anybody!

Mum of an only. It can be tough if it doesn't come naturally to you but you have to force yourself. You can't project your own anxieties or frustrations onto the situation. If one route, classmates, isn't working out over the hols you have to find another. I work too so it's not easy on that logistical front. I take days off and take her swimming or to the park just for her to be around others her age and get confident with the idea of a summer school or something. When she's not with me she's with gps and I insist they do similar. We've even done taster sessions of rock climbing and horse riding - I have MS so this is no mean feat. Inside I have all the agonies of my own anxieties about childhood loneliness but I am dammed if dd is ever going to see it or hear it from me. You have to make the effort - you don't know what obstacles others might have to not be available when you'd like. Shrug it off and keep going. And have girlie duvet days because learning how to chill out is just as important.

Had this for years with all our DC - though when younger I'd book the art/craft with parent along things and would find people there we knew and DC's friends - often people we'd tried to sort stuff out with.

It changed this last year for my eldest - her pervious attempts at sorting stuff out herself with friends went no where - suddenly it did. Unfortunately we've just had to move away. She about a year older than your DD OP.

In meantime I was very glad we had more than one DC so they at least had some company.

Tam

It is more challenging with an only child but it's not other people's responsibility to provide entertainment for your DD. I think it would be worth getting her into some local programmes - sport or Brownies or Rainbows or something similar. Or maybe invite some local kids over - it's easier to arrange playdates when you only live down the road.

But you shouldn't get offended because other people don't do playdates. All families are different.

Tam - DH is an only and had a much more active and fun childhood than I with siblings did.

His parents were very welcoming to his friends - while mine hated us having anyone round. He was encouraged to go out and do things - while I wasn't.

Activities were harder for my parents with children of very different ages and temperaments as well as financially while it was easier for DH parents to sort thing out for him and even invite his friends along.

Tam, sorry you are feeling bad but I do think you are projecting some other issues on to the fact that your DD is an only. We are a distance away from family/cousins but I don't see it in quite the same way you do.

I also have an only. She does like to be busy and does a fair bit of after-school stuff. Not many of her friends meet up over the summer either so I book her on to activities (I know the OP said her daughter doesn't want to do these any more) and even though she is going on her own, she often meets someone from her after-school clubs at the events.

She does seem to have made a friend recently who likes to do the same things as her and I think I am more excited about that than she is! Someone else to wait around with - yay!

RiverTam - I see what you mean, but the holidays have just started, many schools haven't broken up yet, and people have stuff booked in, if you arrange stuff in advance, you're more likely to get friends who want to do it, but waiting until the morning to call round and find everyone's busy isn't all that surprising. The holidays are very short now, only 5.5 weeks, take 2 out for holidays, another for extended family visits (because not everyone lives down the street from their grandparents these days), and there's not a lot of time for playdates, and hardly surprising that not everyone wants that time scheduled up.

Iv read the first two pages.

Op, I too am shocked at the responses that alot of people's kids don't see their school friends much.

We live one street away from the school and both my daughters have been out playing mostly every day. It's not necessarily a contact the parent thing. They just all go out and play whether at the school, in the park or in each others houses. They have had sleep overs here and at each others houses. Iv taken them places and my eldest has been taken places with other people's parents.

They have also been to and had sleepovers at their cousins and vice versa.

Im surprised the children in your street dont play out. is it a busy road. I can constantly hear the sound of a lot of children screaming, laughing and shouting every day in the holdings at any time and I love it.

DS will see the mate who lives very close, but not many of the others. Now they are 9 they can trot along to each others and ask if its OK to play. Any one further away requires parental involvement with organisation/ transport so tends not to happen.

Children are no different to us adults though.

Some love lots of going out and socialising while others like to chill out and have a break from activities.

It's not good or bad it's just the way we are as individuals.

My dc4 (16) gets driven mad by one friend who constantly wants sleep overs etc and she just want to chill in the holidays.

If your dd wants company book her classes. There are loads. Don't chase other parents/kids or you will be a pain.

Another household here who keep it very low key in the school hols. I work in school so am off in the holidays, but frankly I need a break from that world too! My daughter, 8, is extremely sociable but she enjoys family time in the holiday. I will prob arrange two or three get togethers at most over the coming 6 weeks and the rest of the time, well, it's sacred family time.

Day trips now and then, quiet home days, park, museum in town, etc. that's all we do.

Doesn't mean she doesn't love her friends. Maybe the parents feel like I do?

"well, it's sacred family time."

Fine- so long as the child thinks of it that way too............

We don't have any sacred family time, but often only see the 3 or 4 most important friends unless we go to the local park, then it is whoever is there at the time of course. Go where the local children go (park/ beach/ adventure playground...) or, if it is safe, send her there.

"well, it's sacred family time."

Fine- so long as the child thinks of it that way too............

Why the face? Do you think the child should get to decide what happens all the time?

I think the face was because a party invite had been refused due to it being in the summer holidays rather than the invitee saying they didn't want to go.

I think as the holidays go on you might get more takers.Here. schools only broke up last Friday,less than a week ago.peop[le are away, booked on sports schemes or just taking a well earned rest from routine and enjoying long lazy days with no commitments.At thi8s stage siblings are happy to play together .Give it another month and they'll be at each others throats and desperate for some time apart.
Also do not try and arrange things a long way in advance becausepeople do not like to commit!

I understand a bit where op is coming from. My ds loves playing with other children, but there is no one in the street to play with. So it means organisaing play dates. He gets fed up of adult company pretty quickly.

If you and your child prefer to have a low key time, I don't see the issue. That's not the Op's position though, her dd would love to do more stuff.

The thing is- the holidays are the only time that families can have holidays together now (with the new rules), to see extended family, to go back to homelands and so on. So, the children are socialising, but with different sets of people than usual. Plus spending time with parents when away.

People always remark on how sociable my children are and how outgoing, can chat with anyone, are quite popular, but this is not just their personalities, if anything they have slightly struggled to make new friends, so I have ended up supporting their friendships any way I can, from attending every party (I think one in 5 years we didn't go to), going to Brownies/Guides, having friends over just before the holidays, just before they go back, letting them text/build one or two really good friendships. If we just stayed home a lot and didn't bother doing much, they wouldn't be so outgoing or have so many friends. It comes very naturally to a few, the rest need a bit of support.

Op I think you have had some good suggestions on here on ways to diversify your dd's friendships out of school as well as within. I've found that really helpful with my two as sometimes groups of friends can really fall out at school, and it helps to have other sources of friends/activities to keep things steady.

"
Why the hmm face? Do you think the child should get to decide what happens all the time?"

No. But I do think they should get to decide some of the time. And refusing a party invitation becaue it's the holidays is definitely wrong- unless it was the child's decision.
And I may want " sacred family time" but I can on'y have it if my childre want it too. You can't impose it. And, yes, I'm thankful to say mine did. But not 6 weeks of it! Some of the best family time we have is when everybody's been doing different things all day and we come together in the evening to eat and drink and chat.......

OP I don't think YABU. DD loves to have friends over and also to go to other people's houses. Her brothers are less bothered but one has a whole load of regular activities that go on all summer and the other is still just little and wants to diddle at home.

I reckon it's a timing issue. Some parents work. People go away on actual holiday, you know, in the holidays. Regular classes and clubs that still run. Also I have 3 children so I don't issue a whole load of invitations and only want to have other kids here once or twice max per week. The trick is to fix a couple of definite dates before the holidays start. Try to do some spontaneous inviting too but it is a lot more difficult to organise.

PS I also MAKE my older two go to activities/camps/projects in the holidays. They always love it when they go.

I do think the Mumsnet "pull up the drawbridge and repel boarders" attitude very odd. In real life, most people are much more sociable. Maybe Mumsnet attracts a disproportionate number of "my little family" types?

Yes I find this very odd. I remember organising endless meetups in the holidays and they were reciprocated. Persist OP but remember that people can be shit. Your dd sounds lovely actually.

Poor kids who happen to have been born at the beginning of the summer littlejohndory - the holidaysare 6 or 7 weeks long and you couldn't spare your DC for 2 hours?

One of DS1'sffriendsis an an Aug birthday and 2 years ago his mum rang me in a mild panic about 30 mins before the party and asked me to bring DD and DS2 too as so many people had dropped out it wasn't going to feel like a party at all - good job I did as only one other guest turned up!