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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dds friends age 9 are a dead loss?

167 replies

Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 11:40

It's always the same every holiday. Dd wants her friends to play. They are never available or initiate contact. So dd hardly ever sees them. She has one friend who has been to our house a fair amount. But it's never ever reciprocated.

I now feel embarrassed contacting the parents as the dc are never around or available

OP posts:
littlejohnnydory · 23/07/2015 14:01

I can't face play dates in the holidays. I might cave and allow one or two as dd really does want them but I really want to ring fence this family time and do the things we don't have time for in term time, including just flopping at home.

Bubblesinthesummer · 23/07/2015 14:02

I used to really panic about it and in the end did a spreadsheet with everyone's name, tel number and whereabouts during the hols

Sorry but I find that quite odd and a bit big brother is Hmm

Original poster
Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 14:03

I don't know eitherGrin. I think I just wanted to vent about the fact that out of all dd's friends, I am the only parent who issues invitations to play that are never reciprocated. Even when they come round it is never reciprocated, and they love coming round.

So dd being almost an only doesn't get to play with her friends outside of school much. She doesn't want to go to play schemes, as she did lots of them when younger. We live on a big long road which never ever has children playing out. If there were, it wouldn't be an issue. I do lots with her too, but think at her age, friends are increasingly important and she should be able to see them frequently. She likes being with me, but would choose time with her friends over anything else. So maybe she or I are weird or failing in some indiscernible way Grin.

Anyway we're going out now!

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 14:03

Were all your day trips walkable distance or bus? For me, i could take two extra people in the car anything else would involve other parents driving. Nothing local day trip wise. As a child we went to the beach with mum's sisters and their DC. But i dont have nieces or nephews. No partner so no inlaws with DC. My friends with DC either work or are busy doing probably the same things i'm busy doing. Day trips are pretty much just me and my DC. Otherwise they play out and knock for friends.

googoodolly · 23/07/2015 14:04

But if her schoolfriends aren't around in the holidays, then she needs to suck it up and make new friends who are local and who will be around to play with.

SrAssumpta · 23/07/2015 14:06

Has she not got any other friends through clubs, groups or your friends children that she could play with?

EatShitDerek · 23/07/2015 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HPsauciness · 23/07/2015 14:07

orange I think you are taking it too personally, lots of reasons have been given on this thread about why people don't set up playdates/have friends round, ranging from can't be bothered, to like family time, to working, to busy/away/on holidays, using grandparent care, the list is endless and this is just a common thing. Some people never ever ask anyone over, they just don't.

I wouldn't let that stop you issuing invites though, they may love theirs to come to yours even if they can't reciprocate, perhaps just check out their availability at the end of this week in a quick text, we have arranged a meet-up with school friends just once in the holidays as everyone else is away.

littlejohnnydory · 23/07/2015 14:07

I don't particularly want dd to go on play dates either. We've all been looking forward to this time together and I do see it as our time. If she gets invited to a couple i might say yes but no more than that and I'd prefer not to really. Slightly more acceptable would be meeting up with a child's family out and about but I still want a lot of our own time. Dd would be happy to be invited but isn't mentioning wanting to. We turned down a party invitation purely because it's holidays (although that's not the reason I gave!).

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 14:08

OP i dont think youre weird at all, i just think youre in circumstances that cant really be helped and nobody is to blame. It isnt nice no, but i dont think it helps to be nasty about little girls. It most likely isnt their fault. And if it is them preferring not to invite your DD over then maybe encourging those friendships isnt the best idea. Because if that is the case, (they dont want here oer to play) then there is clearly a disconnect between what your DD wants and what they want. Maybe they arent as close as you think?

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 14:10

Grin yep a van and a 7 seater makes a bit of a difference!

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2015 14:14

" Dd would be happy to be invited but isn't mentioning wanting to. We turned down a party invitation purely because it's holidays (although that's not the reason I gave!)."

So basically, your wishes over ride your dds?

HPsauciness · 23/07/2015 14:16

littlejonny I actually find that quite odd, but then my children really love parties, going out with friends, playdates, cinema, anything with other children. To be honest, I like to meet my own friends once or twice a week too during the summer holidays, the thought of six weeks without much socialising beyond my own family doesn't really appeal, so it may be a personality thing!

WyrdByrd · 23/07/2015 14:16

Flowers OP - I think this kind of thing can be slightly harder work and more worrisome when you have an only child. I don't mean that to be as patronising as it sounds - I am one and I have an only DD who's nearly 11.

She rarely sees school friends in the holidays, but I arrange get-togethers with her two oldest friends (our friend's DS - they were born a week apart Smile, and her BFF from nursery school) anything up to a month before the holidays start.

I do have the same thing though in that I often feel like I'm doing all the running both in the hols and in term time and it's frustrating at times but I try to just enjoy the end result. I took DD and her two closest school friends out after school yesterday for bowling and dinner and it was such a pleasure and a privilege to see them having fun together it makes all the logistics worthwhile.

EatShitDerek · 23/07/2015 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

atticusclaw · 23/07/2015 14:17

I would think that's fairly normal bertrand. My DSs would be delighted to be doing expensive activities every single day with 10 of their school friends whilst eating a never ending supply of junk food and looking like complete scruff bags in bizarrely mismatching clothes. My wishes override theirs.

LilyMayViolet · 23/07/2015 14:22

Dd used to feel a bit like this at 9. I do understand. She used to get s bit fed up and frustrated. One year we organised a little meet up in the park for various children and loads came and enjoyed it. This year, dd's almost 13 and has said she loves her friends but it's a bit intense at school so she wants a break over the holidays so that echoes what has been said here. Once she's a bit older she'll be out and about going to friends' houses on her own I should think.

SrAssumpta · 23/07/2015 14:30

littlejonny I actually find that quite odd, but then my children really love parties, going out with friends, playdates, cinema, anything with other children. To be honest, I like to meet my own friends once or twice a week too during the summer holidays, the thought of six weeks without much socialising beyond my own family doesn't really appeal, so it may be a personality thing!

Yeah I'm the exact same, plus DD would hate to have any party invite turned down especially just because it's holidays but it just goes to show that each dynamic is different.

loveandsmiles · 23/07/2015 14:37

I have 5DC and expecting DC6 and love the summer holidays because to me they mean no making plans and having to ferry children around.

We are lucky in that the DCs always have someone to play with, there being 5 of them! We are in Scotland so well into the hols now - 1 week away on hols, then just playing at home, few days here and there, out to get new uniform - still to have back to school haircuts, measured for shoes etc. The time just seems to fly by......... We have had a couple of meet ups with good friends but not seen anyone from school. Eldest 2 DC have swimming club so see swimming friends there and DS still has football training so sees football friends. None of them have asked to see school friends although they will look forward to seeing them again after hols and tell them all about what they have been doingSmile

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2015 14:38

"I would think that's fairly normal bertrand. My DSs would be delighted to be doing expensive activities every single day with 10 of their school friends whilst eating a never ending supply of junk food and looking like complete scruff bags in bizarrely mismatching clothes. My wishes override theirs."

My wishes would over ride their's when it comes to expensive activities and never ending junk food too. Being with 10 of their school friends in mismatched clothes strikes me as entirely normal. But I was commenting on the poster who turned down an invitation for a party for her dd because it was the holidays.

RiverTam · 23/07/2015 14:44

Lucky them for having all those siblings. I mean it. This thread has brought all those horrible feelings that I had when we finally threw in the towel on having more than just DD back to the fore. I have made such an effort this first year of school to socialise and help DD with that (not the most socially confident child), in part so that she wouldn't have 6 lonely weeks in the summer. I had no clue that so many people close the doors in school friends for those 6 weeks. The latter posts have been a relief that not all families think like this.

OP, I think if you had posted this in the only child topic you would have got a different response. And I wouldn't have gone for a wander round the shops practically in tears for my girl.

absolutelynotfabulous · 23/07/2015 14:56

bubbles odd? Hmmmm... easier than having a lonely, only dd for 7 weeks of summer!

It was worth the planning, in my view.

I find it more odd that some kidsDON'T socialise over summer.

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 14:56

Rivertam i think you are taking this thread waay too personally. Obviously there are reasons for tht at but i do think you are projecting quite a bit and making other people responsible for the sadness you feel over not having more children. I am sorry you cant or dont have the family you would like but you really cant blame others for choosing to live differently because it makes your life a bit harder to manage. It is within your power to provide a wide and varied social circle for your DD, and also to gravitate towards those who share your views on holiday times. But really, it isnt wrong that others choose to spend their time differently than you would prefer.

RiverTam · 23/07/2015 15:04

No, it's not. It just feels so sad that some people don't even seem to be able to contemplate their child spending even a couple of afternoons out of 6 weeks with a friend. Or someone who thought they were a friend.

Leaving this thread now as I am in tears. It's been an eye opener and no mistake.

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 15:11

You really are working yourself up over this and making it an issue that it isnt. And if you arent careful you will pass this onto your daughter who will then walk round in tears and think she has a very sad childhood because some people dont do playdates. You really need to change your attitude and decide to be pro-active. Of course as an only child she will have to seek out her play mates so you start off by setting it up so she has lots to choose from. Create a large social circle for her. You really are doing her no favours at all by focusing on the few people who Wont be interested in play dates. Seriously, dont even take them under your radar, it is wasted emotional energy and you will pass that pain onto your daughter if you can give yourself a shake and see how silly youre being.