To think Dds friends age 9 are a dead loss?

[Orangeanddemons]

It's always the same every holiday. Dd wants her friends to play. They are never available or initiate contact. So dd hardly ever sees them. She has one friend who has been to our house a fair amount. But it's never ever reciprocated.

I now feel embarrassed contacting the parents as the dc are never around or available

I understand your dilemma, OP. I have a very sociable only dd (thankfully a bit older now) and it was,a real pain to keep her occupied during holidays.

I used to really panic about it and in the end did a spreadsheet with everyone's name, tel number and whereabouts during the hols.

It did the trick, combined with family visiting and random trips out.

Thank f.k those days are over.

SurlyCue - that's fair enough, but if someone offered to have one of your children would you turn them down? OP's problem seems to be both ways.

Well i think youre misreading the tone because i dont think anyone is saying it is over the top and weird to want to see her friends.

Fwiw i was also the child who didnt have friends. It was awful and it is heartbreaking for the parents but it isnt necessarily the other childrens/parents fault for having lives!

In OP's case it really does just sound like none of the friends live close enough to just call over and those that do live close, she doesnt know and isnt interested in knowing. Thats isnt anyone else's fault! People are giving suggestions as to how she can make other friends, because for whatever reasons, her classmates arent available.

I do think the Mumsnet "pull up the drawbridge and repel boarders" attitude very odd. In real life, most people are much more sociable. Maybe Mumsnet attracts a disproportionate number of "my little family" types?

OP- I suggest you keep trying. And be very specific "dd was wondering if Mabel would like to come round on Wednesday at 3.00 to play and for tea" "We're going swimming tomorrow and de was wondering if Maud would like to come too-if she would, we could pick her up at 11 if that suits you?"

Don't send "come to play sometime over the holidays" messages- they get forgotten about.

I used to really panic about it and in the end did a spreadsheet with everyone's name, tel number and whereabouts during the hols.

You did what ?

This is a very interesting thread, because MN is always full of threads all summer holidays saying my kids are bored, what can I do with them, they are driving me crazy, and the obvious solution seems to be to get them to play with other children the same age from school!

However, I don't think this happens so much for several reasons some of which have been mentioned: 1.some parents are working so children in childcare, others have most of the holiday planned with traveling/visiting relatives so just aren't available 2. children often end up playing with other nearby children, so we live on an estate and calling round for children on the estate or even just going outside and seeing if anyone joins you is the way they get lots of social interaction 3. lots of families from diverse cultures take advantage of this to go home for 6 weeks, we lose about half our friends this way every year.

I solve this problem by sounding out the parents just before the holidays to see if they are going to be around, you could do this by text 'hi, we are around 2nd and 3rd week of holiday, wondering if X wants to play, no worries if not'- and not being offended if people don't want to meet up.

I don't make a spreadsheet though lol!

I think you have summed it up well, IKnow, this girl doesn't have friends and is therefore lonely when the classmates are gone.

So the question is not are her mates "a dead loss", but how can she be encouraged to meet lots of children and hopefully make those friends she so craves.

It really depends on what else we had on tbh. If nothing on then i'd likely agree to it, but then my DCs get a say too and if it was someone they werent that friendly with they might not want to go. Of course as a parent i would just tell the other parent we were busy/unavailable etc so as to save any hurt feelings. That isnt to say i wouldnt ask my dc to consider how their friend might be feeling to have no-one to play with.

She does sound as though she doesn't know how to entertain herself tbh.
I see the holidays as an opportunity to have some time together as a family. We get so precious little of it that we don't particularly seek out others' company when we're off.

If we did day trips then friends came along.

Who paid for that? i couldnt afford to take friends with us each time i take my DC on a day trip.

We have very close friends who have children who are good school friends of the DSs (three other families). We go on holiday with them a couple of times a year, see them socially for a night out a couple of times a month etc. There will still only be a couple of times over the summer that the children come over to play or mine go to theirs.

We are busy, they are busy, people go away and generally want down time...

Eat my children play out with other children or we go visiting most days I would say. It's just their very specific friends from school are often not available, mainly as they all go to Spain, Italy, Poland, wherever their extended families are for the summer.

This is one huge advantage of living in an (ex) council estate - the children can play out, run to their friend's houses, I have spoken with other families who have big detached houses and their children don't have these opportunities to socialize as much. I've also noticed, and this might be a bit of stereotype, but the parents on the estate are much more relaxed about children coming over any time, running in and out, playing out in groups and so on. They just aren't as fussed about official 'playdates'. The other good thing is children get the opportunity to arrange their own social lives more and be more independent, like walking together to the local park.

One of the only perks of not being able to afford a big detached house!

Didn't happen a lot either

seeeee!! It isnt the norm! A one off maybe but there are 6/8 weeks of summer to pass.

But- my children (older preteens) would hate it if all we did was hang out as a family for six weeks. I think we are increasingly the background to their social lives!

Hang on, she has lots of friends, albeit at school. She is very popular, but none of the friends seem to be around in the holidays.

I worked during the holidays so unless the parents were happy to have my DC from 8 in the morning they couldn't go to other kids houses and I couldn't have children here unless it was just for tea

Ok so.... What then OP? i still dont think theyre dead losses because they arent available. Not really understanding what you want from this thread.

Orange don't worry, your dd sounds like mine, has a few friends who are often busy in the holidays. I think that's normal.

'I do think the Mumsnet "pull up the drawbridge and repel boarders" attitude very odd. In real life, most people are much more sociable. Maybe Mumsnet attracts a disproportionate number of "my little family" types?'

I don't think it's a massive surprise that internet forums attract a disproportionate number of introverts. The extroverts are outside, making eye contact with the people they're speaking to! It's not a conspiracy. And introverts do exist 'in real life', they're probably just inside on mumsnet when you're doing a headcount of the sociable people.