Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dds friends age 9 are a dead loss?

167 replies

Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 11:40

It's always the same every holiday. Dd wants her friends to play. They are never available or initiate contact. So dd hardly ever sees them. She has one friend who has been to our house a fair amount. But it's never ever reciprocated.

I now feel embarrassed contacting the parents as the dc are never around or available

OP posts:
LeChien · 23/07/2015 12:21

My dc are ready for a break from the rather intense friendships they have in school, where you have no choice but to be with people all the time.

They tend to see people they don't get a chance to see during term time.

I don't think it's fair to call your dd's friends a dead loss, they can spend their holidays as they choose.

Original poster
Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 12:26

I plan lots of activities with her, but she always prefers her friends round over and above everything else. She loves her friends. She doesn't want to do play schemes, I've tried all that, I just think she must be unusually sociable. I never tell her that her friends are a dead loss (sorry for harsh wording!), but I was totally bemused as to why no one is ever around or available to play. But now I know!

OP posts:
itsmine · 23/07/2015 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leeds2 · 23/07/2015 12:28

Another one to say book her into a holiday club/scheme if these are available, and it is financially viable. My DD used to do tennis, arts and crafts and swimming, but there are a lot of things available.

SomewhereIBelong · 23/07/2015 12:30

Did you chose a non-local primary school? All my kids friends at that age were local - walking round distance - did not see the ones who lived further away. We'd always had a houseful - but it would be the neighbours kids, or the friends who lived close and had popped by on the off chance etc..

Nowadays DD14 hops on the bus to get to her mates - secondary school is more spread out and if she wants to meet up, she needs to get herself there. DD13 meets up with her best friend once or twice a week - in town or here or there. But still always have a houseful of local friends from primary school times.

Zeitgeistic · 23/07/2015 12:31

We do have a few play dates lined up but only with friends where I know the mums quite well. We tend to all meet up for a day out rather than spending time at each other's houses.

I think calling 9 year olds a dead loss because they don't want to/can't hang out with your DD in the holidays is very harsh. Plan some days out with your DD. She'll probably stop pestering if she's entertained.

Original poster
Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 12:31

No we live in catchment. There are kids on the road, but no one ever plays out. I don't know where they live.

OP posts:
Zeitgeistic · 23/07/2015 12:33

Sorry OP. Cross posted.

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 12:33

Hmm i dont actually think your DD sounds unusually sociable, rather the opposite actually, in that she will only consider playing with those specific friends that are familiar to her. A sociable child would be happy to attend play schemes and see other people aside from her school friends. I would be encouraging your DD to be less dependant on this small group of friends and expand her social circle.

Original poster
Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 12:33

I do days out with her all the time, but she's not that bothered. She quite often doesn't want to do them, she just wants her friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 12:35

She used to do play schemes a lot in previous years, but is less interested in them now.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 23/07/2015 12:38

I think she has to get over the fact that her friends aren't there on demand and you need to encourage a different mindset.

googoodolly · 23/07/2015 12:38

I saw my school friends a lot during term-time, but not so much during the holidays. My parents worked so any playdates were organised well in advance, and I was normally in organised childcare otherwise. If my parents were off work, they had things organised - day trips, holidays, seeing family or whatever, and that took priority because they never had much free time with me.

I think a lot of families do their own thing during the holidays, particularly if they work and have to arrange childcare that can't be cancelled incase they lose money. If I did play with friends over the holidays, it was always organised well in advance, or I just saw friends on my street.

SoupDragon · 23/07/2015 12:38

I see the summer holidays as a holiday for me too. I spend all term time ferrying my DC here there and everywhere, I don't want to do it in the holidays too.

Original poster
Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 12:40

Well, thanks for all your opinions. I'm amazed! Will try and head her off at next request!

OP posts:
googoodolly · 23/07/2015 12:40

X-post. She needs to make friends with the kids on your street, or make her own entertainment. She's old enough to realise her friends have other plans and that she can't rely on them to be entertained all summer.

ThisNameIsBetterThanMyRealOne · 23/07/2015 12:41

I think she has to get over the fact that her friends aren't there on demand and you need to encourage a different mindset.

This.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh op but have you thought why her friends are unavailable? Your dd sounds quite intense.

RiverTam · 23/07/2015 12:44

Wow, this thread has made me very sad. DD is an only child (5) and will definitely want to see her school friends in the holidays. We will see one cousin about 3 times but that's it, it'll be mainly me and her for 6 weeks. We don't really have any non-school friends. I hope when I get in touch to ask if anyone wants to play they don't all think as most in this thread do Sad.

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 12:45

Yes agree she should get to know the friends on your street. Also, when school does start up again, try and get her doing some extra curricular things. Like scouts/brownies, a sports team, music, drama etc. during term time my DC do scouts, football, guitar, and drama. It means when we walk down the street my eldest cant walk 20m without bumping into someone he knows. He has more friends than I have. It means he has loads of options if some friends cant meet up.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 23/07/2015 12:46

I don't think you're being weird Orange - my kids see friends pretty much everyday in the holidays (and obviously due to the plural they have siblings).

Kids here arrange their own social lives and just ask parents for permission/ lifts though - I can't quite imagine ringing my 10 - or even 7 - year old ' s parents to ask if their child would like to play with mine.

We also live abroad where kids have to go the the local primary (unless they go private or to a special needs school) which means lots of school friends within walking distance, so 3/4 of the time it's just that someone rings the bell, though the land line also mainly rings for the kids (in fact I never answer it if they're home).

My kids would be peed off in your DD's situation - but her friends parents probably have them on a schedule of activities or are the kind who get themselves overwrought about how much work having kids over will be, rather than the kids being a dead loss!

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 12:48

I hope when I get in touch to ask if anyone wants to play they don't all think as most in this thread do

What do you mean "think as [we] do"?

You could also use this thread to plan ahead and make sure your DD isnt depending on just one set of friends for her entertainment. It isnt wrong for parents to plan things for their DC to do over the summer. I find it odd that you take it personally that people have lives that wont revolve around your DC!

SomewhereIBelong · 23/07/2015 12:48

it may also be that you don't have "stuff" or allow enough freedom...

our house is always full, I am under no illusions about "popularity" etc - we just have stuff.... - we had a swing/climbing frame in the back garden, get the paddling pool out in the summer and have (multiple) supersoakers out when the weather is nice, we have an X-box in the living room and an old PS2 upstairs in the "spare room" along with sing-star microphones with some bean bags to veg out on...

I was also always "that" mother who said "off you go down the park then, be back for 5", "yes you can take an ice-pop, choc ice, bag of crisps, bottle of juice", "who is staying for tea today, do you need me to ring your mum" etc...

most meet ups were totally impromptu knocking at the door, but I do and did sometimes have to say -"go off somewhere else for a bit!!!"

Elsashmelsa · 23/07/2015 12:51

OP, I feel your pain... We are in a similar situation.

DD is an only and is at an age now (6) where she doesn't want to just go out with me or her Dad. She wants us to invite a friend to come along, but being the holidays, most of her friends are doing family things.

What makes it harder is that DH and I both work full time (although I work condensed hours so work four days a week). Luckily she has a friend who has a baby sister (so too young for her to play with) so loves to get together with us, plus a few friends from her old nursery and outside activities who we can meet up with so I'm sure I could fill every day if I want to. Her CM (who will have her for two weeks over the holiday) still has two girls going to her who DD grew up with so she loves spending time with them aswell.

But I know how your DD feels. It doesn't help that we don't live in the village where the school is either. But we did say when we chose that school that we would always make the effort to take her there whenever she wants to go.

I hope you get something sorted OP.

RiverTam · 23/07/2015 12:53

What I mean is clearly think it totally unreasonable for a school friend to want to invite them over it go to the park together. Of course we have things planned and we're not dependant on others but Jesus this thread makes it sound as though even one playdate with a school chum is out of the question.

But now I think about it, I do know that a number of parents have asked when we're about so it shouldn't be too bad. Just one of those things when you thank fuck that RL isn't like MN.

SoupDragon · 23/07/2015 12:54

I hope when I get in touch to ask if anyone wants to play they don't all think as most in this thread do

I'm sorry, but that mindset is really unfair.