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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dds friends age 9 are a dead loss?

167 replies

Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 11:40

It's always the same every holiday. Dd wants her friends to play. They are never available or initiate contact. So dd hardly ever sees them. She has one friend who has been to our house a fair amount. But it's never ever reciprocated.

I now feel embarrassed contacting the parents as the dc are never around or available

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 12:57

this thread makes it sound as though even one playdate with a school chum is out of the question.

Confused where are you reading that from?

Original poster
Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 12:59

We have lots of stuff. The kids love being here, when they are available. I will try and encourage a different mindset, but I used to play with my school friends in the holidays and so did our 3 ds.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/07/2015 13:01

Perhaps she needs to widen her social circle, so it's not just school friends she's relying on?

My kids didn't really socialise that much with the kids from school during their holidays. They tended to play with their friends from cubs and karate.

mumeeee · 23/07/2015 13:01

YABU. When my DDs were children. They rarely saw their school friends. We did stuff together and they went to organised activities such as trampalining and play schemes

mumofthemonsters808 · 23/07/2015 13:03

Mine don't tend to see school friends during the holidays because we are surrounded by children on our estate. It's so much easier going over the road or around the corner to see if someone wants to play than making a formal arrangement. We are lucky that we are surrounded by kids, although it does not seem like that when I'm trying to get them in at night.

googoodolly · 23/07/2015 13:05

this thread makes it sound as though even one playdate with a school chum is out of the question.

Nobody is saying that, just that you can't rely on school friends to be around all summer! Parents have other things to do - work, family days out, visiting relatives or other friends, for example. People go away for a week or two as well, and then you have to factor in a few days of back to school shopping, hair cuts, all the rest of it.

I also think it's easier to plan playdates during the school term because you can arrange things at the school gate and friends can just go home with each other. During the holiday there's a lot more effort involved and people prefer to be more spontaneous, I think, so don't want to plan things too far in advance.

reni1 · 23/07/2015 13:08

Does she only have school friends? Try to convince her to do a play scheme/ sports camp/ go to the local park to make some local friends outside of school. That might just be who the others play with, rather than classmates who they didn't choose to start with.

itsmine · 23/07/2015 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MilkRunningOutAgain · 23/07/2015 13:16

First day of holidays today, 10am, DD saying, " it's so sad, I won't see my friends for weeks, I wish we lived in the town so I could go and see them every day". Repeat every 15 minutes with much exaggerated sighing etc. will go on all holiday, regardless of what activities she does, and she's lined up to do plenty. She's 9 too. I sympathise but can't help, I think this won't resolve until she's old enough to travel on the bus into town by herself. She is extremely social. dS on the other hand is a virtual recluse and doesn't want to see friends at any time, holiday or term, not sure he really has friends, sports team acquaintances yes, friends no.

reni1 · 23/07/2015 13:16

I'd not call er "unusually social" if she has no friends on your street at the age of 9, she might need a bit of encouragement to meet them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/07/2015 13:17

OP... are these really friends of your daughter? I mean, I expect they are out playing with their friends. Perhaps your daughter isn't one of them?

I don't like the way you refer to them as a 'dead loss' either; perhaps as a parent you need to do some things with your daughter and maybe make some effort there.

IKnowRight · 23/07/2015 13:18

Wow I think some of you are being a bit harsh here. OP's dd wants to see her friends over the holidays and people think that's over the top and weird??? Wow.

We'll do a combination of things, which will most definitely include friends over. Hopefully that will be reciprocated, but it isn't always.

OP, has there been some kind of falling out between your dd and her friends? I for one find it odd that you're being swerved and that visits aren't being reciprocated. I hesitate to ask, but have there been any incidents with your dd on previous visits or at school that make other parents anxious to avoid her? Or is there some kind of horrible primary school exclusion thing going on?

Original poster
Orangeanddemons · 23/07/2015 13:20

For the 100th time, I DO loads of stuff with her. I'd much rather do that than anything else. But quite often she doesn't want to. We haven't been on this street long, it's a very long street, but there are no dc near us, and I have never seen any child play on it, although it's relatively safe.

OP posts:
reni1 · 23/07/2015 13:21

Nobody is saying it is over the top nd weird, IKnow, but maybe these school friends could be better described as classmates and the girl is actually quite isolated because she has no other friends. This becomes more apparent in the holidays when the classmates have gone off with their actual friends.

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 13:21

OP's dd wants to see her friends over the holidays and people think that's over the top and weird??? Wow.

Who said that?

sparkysparkysparky · 23/07/2015 13:23

I force myself to contact other Mums by text to arrange on dd ( 8) behalf. I hate doing it because it's not natural to me. But I know that offering a meet up or a hang out at ours is usually pounced upon. Not cos ours is a fab place to be but because it helps pass a day. We do customising cheap Tshirts, making necklaces, that sort of thing.

DinosaursRoar · 23/07/2015 13:26

Unfortunately, some people do just make more plans than others - for example, our DS's school doesn't break up until tomorrow. On Saturday, we go for our holiday for a week, the week after DH is off work so we'll be doing family trips, dentist visits, lots of family stuff and not really available for playdates. The week after, the DCs godmother will be arriving on the Tuesday until Friday, and will be doing things with her. The week after, DS is booked into a couple of clubs on a couple of mornings, so not really much else we'll want to do that week, the week after is the final week of the holidays.

There are days here and there that aren't scheduled for something, but if you were relying on calling on the morning to see if we were free, then unlikely we'd say yes.

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 13:27

Ok OP get on facebook, see if you can find your areas "mum group" or "family page" or whatever. Or even post on your page, or local selling pages asking what is on over the summer for kids, get her into whatever is going on closest to your house and she will meet the children that live nearest. Is there a local children's centre or youth club? Call and ask if theyre running any activities. The closer it is to your street the more likely she is to make friends with kids that live close. Its fine if she decides she doesnt want to do any of that but she cant then complain about having no friends nearby.

sparkysparkysparky · 23/07/2015 13:27

I stay out of the tshirt customising and necklace making, btw. I just facilitate and bring in the occasional drink or icecream.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/07/2015 13:27

What about you, OP? Do you know the other mums on your street? Could it be ripe for some kind of 'street party' or something in the park for the parents and children of the street? Would you arrange/co-ordinate something like this?

manicinsomniac · 23/07/2015 13:28

Do you know which of her friends' parents both work full time?

If you ask those parents you might find they would really value their child going to play with yours one day a week or something.

ATravellingCircusCame · 23/07/2015 13:31

'but I used to play with my school friends in the holidays and so did our 3 ds'

I think you just have to accept that it isn't possible to play with this specific group of friends over the holidays.

When I was a child my best friend spent the whole summer away and so I never saw her in the holidays. My sisters best friend lived at the end of our road and was around the entire six weeks and so she was here all the time. Just one of those things.

We live in an area where there has been a lot of immigration recently. The result is that DC1's friends from school are mostly English and staying here for the summer. DC4's friends are a bit more international and will be spending the summer with family/grandparents etc. in Germany/Poland/Spain/Cyprus/France/Canada and we won't see them.

It's nothing to do with a change in attitudes or how many toys we have or the friends being a dead loss, it's just circumstance. DC1 will see her friends. DC4 won't.

I do think it's a good idea to have friends from a range of places though and not just school. My DC have friends from clubs, neighbours and friends who are friends because I'm friends with their parents. It means DC4 shouldn't miss his jetsetting friends too much over the summer.

SurlyCue · 23/07/2015 13:31

Just to say that i am decorating the house this summer. Its something ive planned specifically for the summer as its the only time i will get to do it. For that reason i dont want extra DCs round. The place is upside down with furniture all moved and paint/tools all over. We have also got a couple of birthdays this summer and will be away for a week next week. It just doesnt suit for me to have playdates here this summer. I'm not going to apologise for that either. my DCs are being occupied. I dont have any obligation to occupy other people's DC.

IKnowRight · 23/07/2015 13:33

no one said that directly, but it's certainly the tone I read into some of the replies

I think it's sad that the dd apparently has no-one at school who is a close enough friend to see outside of school. Possibly projecting because I was once that child I suppose, and it definitely used to show during the holidays which I found lonely and crap. It's heartbreaking being the one that no one wants to play with. Children don't necessarily want structured, engineered holiday times they just want to muck about with the people they hope/believe want to spend time with them.

OP, I really don't think you can engineer friendships either within school or outside it once they get to this age. If no one from school wants to know, then all you can do is keep on as you are and hope she meets someone who she clicks with.

Not many children my dc's age around here either. We walk up to the park sometimes and they muck in with the kids already there. Might be a way of meeting local children maybe?

Babyroobs · 23/07/2015 13:34

My dd has a close group of friends in the street who are mostly school friends too. I tend to find the same thng happens most holidays - one of them goes to stay with Grandparents for most of the holidays as her dad is a lone parent and works, another has parents who both work full time so she is booked into clubs/ sports courses full time- this holiday I have paid for my dd to do weeks inthe same clubs even though I don't actually need for her to be in childcare. The last one seems to be on constant days out and never at home.