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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect my DH to claim his expenses? RANT!

250 replies

MrsRossPoldark · 21/07/2015 21:21

So, I know what response I'm going to get here - this is a rant to get it all off my chest really!

DH has repeatedly told me that he can't get his company's expenses system to accept his expenses [they do their own as they are a consultancy and don't have their own HR dept - or payroll, or whatever] to do their expenses for them.

He is an IT consultant who specialises in project management techniques, such as how to prioritise, how to use IT effectively etc!

He works away from home M-Th every week so should in theory have loads of time to do his expenses in the evenings. He also seems to spend every spare hour at home watching storage hunters and/or complaining of headaches.

He hasn't done his expenses for months now and when I asked him to get his finger out at the weekend, told me how much he estimated he was owed in expenses - c£20K!! Shock. I have just gone through our last 6 months' bank statements [he never looks at them] - of the expenses I can identify and the salary coming in, I reckon he is actually working for half-pay, as his expenses pm equate to half his monthly income!

It's not as if I haven't tackled him about this before - several times over the last few months I have checked the bank statements and not seen any expenses being paid in. I have offered to do his expenses for him [come on, how hard can it be?] but he says it's too difficult to explain [really?] but he won't hand over his receipts [partly because he leaves them in piles all over our bookshelves, his bedside table, his study desk upstairs, in his pocket, in his car, etc etc]. AIBU to think he really is too busy just to spend an hour once a week doing his expenses instead of letting them build up like this?

When I said WTAF [can't figure out how to make the shouty text any 'louder'], he then followed up by saying that work would get him into trouble as he's late submitting [which I take to mean that after say 3 months his receipts are no longer valid and they won't pay those expenses.]

WIBU to email his workplace to ask if I can submit his expenses on his behalf - if it's that hard, maybe I should hire myself out for the other consultants too, and charge them £15ph for the privilege of having me submit their expenses. I have never heard of a company's expenses system being too hard to submit to??? I have worked as a consultant myself and worked away from home, so I know that yes, it may be tediously boring, but if you did it once a week it shouldn't take long! It's our family's income he's compromising and we are only just struggling to break even after a disastrous couple of years when he made some pretty crap decisions about our own business that left us heavily in debt. We are just clawing our way back and now he behaves like this!

Not sure I'm looking for any advice - apart from how the hell do I get him to do something - fast!!

OP posts:
Artistic · 10/08/2015 23:37

I COULD HAVE WRITTEN YOUR POST!!! Drives me MAD. Considering LTB now. Or cleaning out his bank account so he has nothing to spend & therefore to 'claim'. Bad bad habits!!!Confused

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 11/08/2015 10:22

I imagine OP keeps her wages at least partially so he doesn't spunk them away on travel and hotels he then can't be arsed to claim. Under ordinary circumstances it's probably taking the piss for one partner's earnings to go in the shared pot and one not (absent some specific reason they've both agreed, like maybe one parent works to fund x costs and they prefer to keep that money separate or whatever). When one has serious money issues, which DH evidently does, the ordinary rules can't apply.

MrsRossPoldark · 11/08/2015 21:19

I'm going on strike. He is effectively not paying me anything to be his wife, so why should I do laundry, feed him, have sex with him, etc. If he isn't fulfilling his responsibility as a father, then why should I take on responsibility for being a wife? My children can't be compromised, so I'll be a mother to them, but he can do his own housework from now on.

In the meantime, I will produce some stats and send them to him so he can see on paper why I'm doing this. I have presented him with some scary reports before but he just ignored them, so I don't hold out much hope.

OP posts:
MrsRossPoldark · 11/08/2015 21:20

Basically, it's gone beyond my trying to psychoanalyse him to figure out why he is behaving like this, and time for me to just do something. In most MNers books, it got beyond a joke a long time ago!

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 11/08/2015 21:26

I have no advice, but have a Brew from a procrastinator who thinks your husband is a dick. Hope things look up for you soon.

fireplacenice · 11/08/2015 22:05

holy shit, to think i went nuts at DH when he forgot to claim £600!!

OnlyLovers · 12/08/2015 11:12

Good plan, OP. Good luck!

NotReallyAPrincess · 12/08/2015 13:47

I really hope this works out for you, OP, I really do. But I don't think I could live with or love someone who was so cavalier with money that we desperately needed as a family.

happystory · 12/08/2015 22:36

This is no way to conduct a relationship

MrsRossPoldark · 17/08/2015 21:55

Latest update: I lost my cool [about time] on the phone last week and told him he was being irresponsible and p'g our money against the wall, depriving me and his 3 children of their money too. He has a family and bills to pay, a loan secured against the house that has to be paid off sometime.

He said he'd do it and has made a start, so I thought "finally, he's manned up" and accepted that he has just got to do it. It has taken him 4 hours to do a week's expenses when he did it at the weekend. He still makes excuses over why I can't so it for him in my spare time, to save him the stress and hassle. Seems that there is an extra level of security on their system so that he needs a mini-keypad to login and the software is only available for PCs [I'm Mac based at home]. He uses his PC during the week so I can't login while he's away. I suggested that when he is home at the weekend, he can do the garden, shopping, etc, and he can log me in so that I can sit at the table and do it, but he still insists he'll do it himself.

Fair do's [to a point], and I calmed down a bit, but he then blotted his copybook even more, by discussing it at a dinner with the kids present; music teacher [a close pal] and his girlfriend and teacher's business partner; plus his cousin, all sitting round the table listening to him tell everyone how much he was owed [which incidentally was £10K more than he'd previously told me]! How the f dare he go and share all this with everyone in such a public way? Does he think it makes him look 'big'? I just don't get it!

Anyone else want to ask me why I don't share my separate account with him...? Go on, I dare you!Angry

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 17/08/2015 21:56

You've more patience than me - I'd have killed him by now.

TendonQueen · 17/08/2015 22:03

So it's actually 30k? Shock

Did anyone in that conversation say how horrifying they found his attitude? I do hope so.

Are you still on strike? I still would be unless he was doing another week's worth (so 4 hours on it) every single weekend day or day he's not working.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 17/08/2015 22:09

How very odd. Is he spending money on things he should not be and cannot claim back....

MY DH 30 years ago was an IT contractor and would go months without billing his agency and run up an overdraft at the bank. I soon put a stop to that and have done the books ever since.

MrsRossPoldark · 17/08/2015 22:44

As far as I can see, from looking at the current account, they are all legit expenses - just loads of them!

As he's on the train for 3.5 hours each way, he can/will be using that time to do his f'g expenses. I have also contacted an old pal of his who is now retired, but was a V-P for various international IT companies over the last few years and is very familiar with the expenses system he is using, so I am picking her brains to see if there's a way round this, so I can help get the expenses entered at least.

OP posts:
MrsRossPoldark · 17/08/2015 22:47

She has also asked him why he hasn't applied for a company credit card to use as he can then download all his txns straight to the expenses system, without having to type them all in. He mumbled something about having applied for one a while back but it must have 'got lost'!

I did apply for a c/c that he could have sole use of for company expenses but he kept using the wrong one, which then racked up our personal c/c incurring extra interest on going over the limit and losing the zero-percent introductory rate I'd originally got it for!

OP posts:
Mashtag · 17/08/2015 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappenstanceMarmite · 17/08/2015 23:20

Got to say I am somewhat changing my thoughts on this. Originally I believed he was just a shocking procrastinator ...takes one to know one Shock. I HATE doing my expenses and used to get months behind with them. The task became a monster constantly on my mind. Much better now though and have to do them every month without fail.

But now I'm starting to think there is something he's hiding from you and/or his company. It will all come out one day that's for sure.

LittleChinaPig · 17/08/2015 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DJThreeDog · 17/08/2015 23:29

Expenses is a balls ache I agree.

But I would be fucking ballistic at him right now. What a fucking bellend.

Charlesroi · 17/08/2015 23:42

The pp are right and there's something very wrong here.
When I used to go on company trips I wasn't allowed to rack up so many expenses without claiming them. Or, rather, accounts and my manager would be hassling me by the following week.
I can't understand why he's bullshitting about the company cc - surely this would solve all his problems and save a load of time? So either he can't get one or he's spending money on stuff that wouldn't be approved or he can't be arsed.
Is he using the expenses as some kind of savings plan? Clutching. At. Straws.
I don't know why he would brag about it to your friends. Hopefully you said something to the effect of "So pull your finger out and claim them before we go bankrupt"

LovelyFriend · 18/08/2015 08:25

Goof grief he's so pathetic!

Op he needs to get a credit card for work expenses. He must keep a separate card only for work and stop using the family bank account to fund his employers business.

LovelyFriend · 18/08/2015 08:27

Re the bragging to friends he is showing 2 points very clearly:

  1. He is too important to do expenses
  2. He earns so much money he doesnt need to claim expenses Shock
LovelyFriend · 18/08/2015 08:29

Oops too soon

I feel sad for op and her dc having this issue running throughout their holiday

Mashtag · 18/08/2015 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 18/08/2015 10:07

I think I agree with Mashtag; I wouldn't want to live with, or have my kids live with, someone who behaves like this.

And telling all your friends about it sounds like classic dick-swinging to me.

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