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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect my DH to claim his expenses? RANT!

250 replies

MrsRossPoldark · 21/07/2015 21:21

So, I know what response I'm going to get here - this is a rant to get it all off my chest really!

DH has repeatedly told me that he can't get his company's expenses system to accept his expenses [they do their own as they are a consultancy and don't have their own HR dept - or payroll, or whatever] to do their expenses for them.

He is an IT consultant who specialises in project management techniques, such as how to prioritise, how to use IT effectively etc!

He works away from home M-Th every week so should in theory have loads of time to do his expenses in the evenings. He also seems to spend every spare hour at home watching storage hunters and/or complaining of headaches.

He hasn't done his expenses for months now and when I asked him to get his finger out at the weekend, told me how much he estimated he was owed in expenses - c£20K!! Shock. I have just gone through our last 6 months' bank statements [he never looks at them] - of the expenses I can identify and the salary coming in, I reckon he is actually working for half-pay, as his expenses pm equate to half his monthly income!

It's not as if I haven't tackled him about this before - several times over the last few months I have checked the bank statements and not seen any expenses being paid in. I have offered to do his expenses for him [come on, how hard can it be?] but he says it's too difficult to explain [really?] but he won't hand over his receipts [partly because he leaves them in piles all over our bookshelves, his bedside table, his study desk upstairs, in his pocket, in his car, etc etc]. AIBU to think he really is too busy just to spend an hour once a week doing his expenses instead of letting them build up like this?

When I said WTAF [can't figure out how to make the shouty text any 'louder'], he then followed up by saying that work would get him into trouble as he's late submitting [which I take to mean that after say 3 months his receipts are no longer valid and they won't pay those expenses.]

WIBU to email his workplace to ask if I can submit his expenses on his behalf - if it's that hard, maybe I should hire myself out for the other consultants too, and charge them £15ph for the privilege of having me submit their expenses. I have never heard of a company's expenses system being too hard to submit to??? I have worked as a consultant myself and worked away from home, so I know that yes, it may be tediously boring, but if you did it once a week it shouldn't take long! It's our family's income he's compromising and we are only just struggling to break even after a disastrous couple of years when he made some pretty crap decisions about our own business that left us heavily in debt. We are just clawing our way back and now he behaves like this!

Not sure I'm looking for any advice - apart from how the hell do I get him to do something - fast!!

OP posts:
Hellionandfriends · 09/08/2015 22:27

Yes 2.5k expenses a week. On what?! What does he spend the cash on?

Noctilucent · 09/08/2015 22:30

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Noctilucent · 09/08/2015 22:32

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Caro1010 · 09/08/2015 22:42

she said £20k over 6 months, so that's about £150 quid a day if he works away from home 5 days per week. Pretty normal expenditure if he is paying for hotel, meals and taxi's.

Have you checked the CC statements to see if the expenditure tallies with his business trips.

TBH, I would not wait for him to do it at this point, I wouldbe sitting down with all this bills that you have gathered into a box, I would be putting them into order by month, by category and then figuring out exactly how much has been spent.

it's your money too and this seems absolutely financially negligent on his part, I am beginning to wonder if the other posters have hit the nail on the head and his expenditure is not really refundable expenses at all.

MrsRossPoldark · 09/08/2015 22:44

No. He's promised he'll do it this week so I'm resorting to calling him daily for the next week to ask if he's done any yet. Next weekend we're busy both days so there will always be an excuse to postpone. If he does nothing this week, I will be going out on my own and he can stay home to do them.

He lives in hotels all week so no reason why he can't use his evenings to get it done.

On top of all this he has started going first class recently as it's the same price if he goes off peak apparently. So he gets free wifi, food and drink while travelling in luxury and gets to have his bed made & food cooked for him daily too. All on me & our family!

OP posts:
Hellionandfriends · 09/08/2015 22:59

Earlier I thought 20 over 2 months was mentioned!

BYOSnowman · 09/08/2015 23:05

Is there a chance they are not refunding his expenses because they think they are excessive/unnecessary?

I know a few companies who are tightening costs wrt consultants

ClaudiusMaximus · 09/08/2015 23:06

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Noctilucent · 09/08/2015 23:22

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Noctilucent · 09/08/2015 23:24

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CassieBearRawr · 09/08/2015 23:28

I agree it seems like there's something else going on. Not even necessarily an affair or gambling or whatever - it could be some bullshit macho "I don't need to claim my expenses I'm so loaded" showing off or something. Whatever it is at this point I'd be considering setting some kind of ultimatum or deadline that he needed to get it done by and sticking to it.

At this point it doesn't so much matter if they're not all able to be claimed back - it's about him getting back control of his finances. So he sorts it all out, can claim back X amount from the total (hopefully all, but be prepared for it to be way less) and is now in a good position to keep on top of it so it never reaches this point again. I'd be keeping that solicitors number handy though.

OnlyLovers · 10/08/2015 09:22

How about contacting his work accounts department and basically shaming him? 'My husband is unable to understand or manage the expenses procedure so I'm having to do it; could you talk me through the system?' kind of thing.

kittykarate · 10/08/2015 09:31

i It's a big company so they will have expense accounts, Pas who book and pay for it, company credit cards blah blah blah.

Not all large companies work this way. My company credit card is still my responsibility to pay at the end of the month, it's not automagically picked up by my employer. My travel is all booked via a self-service portal which is billed back to my company credit card, so to get my money back I have to keep on top of my paperwork.

I'm amazed that the company is tolerating this - my manager is all over us every quarter to make sure that we're up to date with our expenses as no department wants an unpleasant £20k surprise that will show up on the financials.

Bubblesinthesummer · 10/08/2015 09:33

How about contacting his work accounts department and basically shaming him? 'My husband is unable to understand or manage the expenses procedure so I'm having to do it; could you talk me through the system?' kind of thing
Can't imagine any company giving out that kind of information to a third party

OnlyLovers · 10/08/2015 10:03

Bubbles, no, but my idea/hope is that it would get back to him; or that the OP could email the company and copy in her husband so he could see what she had to resort to.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 10/08/2015 10:03

He's not going to do it this week.

DoctorDoctor · 10/08/2015 10:09

This is getting beyond stupid now. I don't believe for a moment that he'll do them this week. Why would he, when there will be no consequences if he doesn't? His pleasant life carries on as usual. And the not going out at the weekend thing won't work either. All that'll happen then is that he'll potter around at home once you've gone out doing anything but the expenses. You need something a lot more weighty to get him to do this, I'm afraid.

I'm also now a bit suspicious that he is being at best cavalier and at worst deceptive about all this. My work pays the cost of second class travel, and if you book first class, even if it's the same price or cheaper, you have to pay yourself. Those are their rules. So he really ought to check that he can actually claim the first class price. Except of course he won't, will he? The loss of the work phone is also something to check on as that might be a clue if he has been doing anything he shouldn't.

OP, is he at all apologetic about the stress this is causing you?

PurpleHairAndPearls · 10/08/2015 10:15

Please don't ring his company.

Poldark you said that you have seen a solicitor already so obviously the expenses aren't the only problem, but does your DH know (and do you know) where your "lines in the sand" are? At what point does his lack of action become a dealbreaker, so to speak? At the moment he is stringing you along for whatever reason, he either doesn't think this will have serious repercussions for your marriage, or he doesn't care that it will have serious repercussions...

It's totally believeable to me that the expenses situation (the amount and having to incur them then be reimbursed) exists, so I wouldn't necessarily think there is a sinister reason underneath it all (I hope not anyway,)but surely the lack of acceptance of his responsibilities on his part is enough to make you want to kill him metaphorically shake him?!

PS not sure that you keeping your own wages just for you when other earnings are shared is fair though, I think in his shoes I would be a bit WTF about this. Sorry Smile

MrsRossPoldark · 10/08/2015 22:29

Purple HairAndPearls: I won't be contacting his company as it took 2 years for him to land this job! He seems to be well respected at his job. Just shit at expenses. We also agreed that my income would be for me to spend on clothes etc but I also use it to pay for the boys' activities (esp out of school clubs, music lessons, etc)

He seems so unbelievably blasé about all this money going out. It is standard practise that they pay their expenses themselves and claim it back. When I said I'd do it for him he initially agreed but then changed his mind. When I spoke to him this evening he said he'd arrived at work after our holiday with some heavy issues to sort in work. He uses this to put me off pressuring him re expenses but it's gone on for so long now. I feel like giving up & letting us go bankrupt.

He has now found a 'much better hotel' to stay at and is currently out with his team having dinner! When I asked when he would start on his expenses he said 'not tonight'. I'm really not sure whether blowing up at him will help (I've done it several times already to no avail) as there will always be a reason to avoid it (social life, kids activities, aunts visiting this week, meeting up with old friends this weekend, etc)

OP posts:
MrsRossPoldark · 10/08/2015 22:31

I also earn less than 1/8th of his salary so if I shared it with him it wouldn't make much difference!

OP posts:
CrumbsThatsQuick · 10/08/2015 22:43

How long will he need to complete? I think you need to do it together, ir pay someone else to do it. You are being way too calm.

SillyStuffBiting · 10/08/2015 23:11

Oh dear I think he's hiding something.

DelightfulFunky · 10/08/2015 23:30

This just doesn't make any sense. I too think he's hiding something.

TendonQueen · 10/08/2015 23:33

I think you're right that blowing up at him won't do anything. My best suggestion now is to tell him not to come back this weekend as you don't want to see him under the circumstances. I would start to get advice about what your financial position would be if you separated too.

MokunMokun · 10/08/2015 23:36

I keep checking back to this thread to see if he's done them yet Grin

He's just procrastinating. The longer you leave it the bigger it becomes. I work with someone who is like this. It took her 1.5 years to submit her expenses.

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