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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect my DH to claim his expenses? RANT!

250 replies

MrsRossPoldark · 21/07/2015 21:21

So, I know what response I'm going to get here - this is a rant to get it all off my chest really!

DH has repeatedly told me that he can't get his company's expenses system to accept his expenses [they do their own as they are a consultancy and don't have their own HR dept - or payroll, or whatever] to do their expenses for them.

He is an IT consultant who specialises in project management techniques, such as how to prioritise, how to use IT effectively etc!

He works away from home M-Th every week so should in theory have loads of time to do his expenses in the evenings. He also seems to spend every spare hour at home watching storage hunters and/or complaining of headaches.

He hasn't done his expenses for months now and when I asked him to get his finger out at the weekend, told me how much he estimated he was owed in expenses - c£20K!! Shock. I have just gone through our last 6 months' bank statements [he never looks at them] - of the expenses I can identify and the salary coming in, I reckon he is actually working for half-pay, as his expenses pm equate to half his monthly income!

It's not as if I haven't tackled him about this before - several times over the last few months I have checked the bank statements and not seen any expenses being paid in. I have offered to do his expenses for him [come on, how hard can it be?] but he says it's too difficult to explain [really?] but he won't hand over his receipts [partly because he leaves them in piles all over our bookshelves, his bedside table, his study desk upstairs, in his pocket, in his car, etc etc]. AIBU to think he really is too busy just to spend an hour once a week doing his expenses instead of letting them build up like this?

When I said WTAF [can't figure out how to make the shouty text any 'louder'], he then followed up by saying that work would get him into trouble as he's late submitting [which I take to mean that after say 3 months his receipts are no longer valid and they won't pay those expenses.]

WIBU to email his workplace to ask if I can submit his expenses on his behalf - if it's that hard, maybe I should hire myself out for the other consultants too, and charge them £15ph for the privilege of having me submit their expenses. I have never heard of a company's expenses system being too hard to submit to??? I have worked as a consultant myself and worked away from home, so I know that yes, it may be tediously boring, but if you did it once a week it shouldn't take long! It's our family's income he's compromising and we are only just struggling to break even after a disastrous couple of years when he made some pretty crap decisions about our own business that left us heavily in debt. We are just clawing our way back and now he behaves like this!

Not sure I'm looking for any advice - apart from how the hell do I get him to do something - fast!!

OP posts:
lilacblossomtime · 09/08/2015 13:29

This is daft. Is he going to get in a lot of trouble for submitting late? Is there some problem he doesn't want to admit?

TendonQueen · 09/08/2015 13:30

I would do what someone suggested on the previous page and stop doing his washing. That way you aren't depriving yourself too Smile and he may realise, when he gets ready to go away for 7 days and doesn't have clean clothes, that not doing work-related prep and admin impacts on him as well as you.

TendonQueen · 09/08/2015 13:34

Having just re read your post above, I would be angry, and justifiably so, that you all came home early from a family holiday for him to do this and it still isn't done. I realise now it's probably too late for the washing if he's going away tomorrow, but if there are other things you usually do to help him get ready for a trip (packing etc) I would certainly not being doing those today.

Icimoi · 09/08/2015 13:39

When he sits down in front of the TV at the weekend unplug it, hide the connection cord, give him his box of receipts and tell him he is going to do his expenses. Lock him in the room if necessary to stop him going away and finding something else to do.

Hellionandfriends · 09/08/2015 13:43

Follow him around the house saying 'it's time to show me the system now'

thenightsky · 09/08/2015 13:43

I thought of this thread when DH got up early this morning to do his expenses. He's only half way through at the moment.

BoffinMum · 09/08/2015 13:47

If my DH had pulled a stunt like this I would be furious. Absolutely furious. He is not single and this is well out of order. I agree about some kind of strike or protest. He's behaving like a teenager.

Caro1010 · 09/08/2015 14:23

Yikes, I can somewhat sympathise with him, I absolutely hated doing expenses, and I always left it on the long finger, but it never came anywhere near £20k, that's massive.

My DH on the other hand, really stays on top of it and submits monthly.

PicaK · 09/08/2015 16:33

I have a DH equally lax about expenses - I also used to get very angry. Part of the problem is that he still mentally thinks of it being "not work" so it never gets allocated any working time and doesn't get done.
Off tangent - and not excusing him - but things clicked into place for me when I read up about the signs of adhd in adults. Not being able to do expenses was in there.
He is lovely and wonderful inmany ways so I figured that I either fight against this - or just do them for him. I've gone with doing them or rather swopping them for some responsibilities that I don't like and procrastinate over. This works for us and I see it as a reasonable compromise. I know others may not tho.

DixieNormas · 09/08/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 09/08/2015 17:56

OP, seriously, I wouldn't spend hours doing this without checking first that they will be honoured by the company given the time that has lapsed, particularly if they relate to previous tax year.

although, I wouldn't even be spending any of my hours on it full stop and giving your lazy DH the pass

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/08/2015 18:07

I hate doing expenses too.

Your husband has now 'lost' his work mobile phone? Is there something that is causing him to act like an imbecile? I would be livid if I had to do my own hair when there's no earthly reason that I couldn't go to a hairdresser for lack of money when there is plenty waiting to be claimed.

I would ask him straight out what is going on because he's letting it go on and on and it won't get done. My office wouldn't pay out after three months and they would question my stupidity. What is your husband playing at?

ForalltheSaints · 09/08/2015 18:20

A person whose job it is to help others use IT effectively cannot do his own expenses? Must work for the person who wrecked our IT and then went off to wreck other firms' IT systems.

notapizzaeater · 09/08/2015 18:31

I'd be furious, does he realise you could all have gone on holiday with his sister with this money ( ???

Nonnainglese · 09/08/2015 18:39

I'd do it for him and take the money as a reward/earnings/gift for putting up with the crap!

Seriously though, like others that's more than our income p.a. Shock
I have to return my expenses monthly, if miss more than two months it's forfeited.

MrsRossPoldark · 09/08/2015 19:05

Re forfeiting expenses - I have a horrible feeling that most of his late expenses won't get paid back, but continuing to not submit them is a real problem.

We have really struggled over the last 3/4 years to get back to a credit balance with the bank and he's now pissing it against the wall! How he can live with it now that I've told him we've lost another £20K in the last 2 months & that I have identified at least £16K of expenses (that's just the ones that are obvious!) in our account that have no equivalent credit back, beggars belief!

He still hasn't sat with me to show me the method for submitting expenses yet!

OP posts:
MrsRossPoldark · 09/08/2015 19:06

When I say 'it's a real problem', I mean that it's a continuing problem!

OP posts:
MrsRossPoldark · 09/08/2015 19:09

I work p-t and put my meagre earnings in my own account. He has queried me several times about why I keep it for myself! There's no way he's getting his hands on it!

Just worked out that it would take me 3.5 years to earn back what he's 'lost' in the last 2 months.

OP posts:
Siolence · 09/08/2015 19:16

Tbh at this stage I would be wondering why he is avoiding going through his spending with you.

I presume he needs to identify what is a work expense? Hand him a highlighter and tell him to get on with it.

CassieBearRawr · 09/08/2015 19:18

How have you not killed him? I'd be furious with my partner if he was pissing tens of thousands of pounds of our money away. In fact it would probably be a deal breaker.

MrsRossPoldark · 09/08/2015 19:21

CassieBearRawl: almost came to that earlier this year when I saw a solicitor to see what my rights were! There are/were other issues too & so far I am hanging in by a thread!

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 09/08/2015 19:25

Something strange going on with your DH. How could he have 10K expenses a month? I'd be suspicious that he is spending the money on someone/something else and they're not genuine expenses at all.

And now the pressure is on he's lost his work mobile phone and has hidden in the toilet for an hour.

Has he still a job - can you see his salary coming in every month transferred from the company itself?

MrsRossPoldark · 09/08/2015 21:26

DillyDilly: yes I can see his salary OK.

OP posts:
MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 09/08/2015 21:28

He's avoiding this for a reason. Has he shown you what to do yet?

DillyDilly · 09/08/2015 22:19

Well there's something wrong somewhere. I'm wondering if he's spending money on someone else while he's working away and a lot of what you think are work expenses aren't.

How can he have 10k expenses a month.