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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect my DH to claim his expenses? RANT!

250 replies

MrsRossPoldark · 21/07/2015 21:21

So, I know what response I'm going to get here - this is a rant to get it all off my chest really!

DH has repeatedly told me that he can't get his company's expenses system to accept his expenses [they do their own as they are a consultancy and don't have their own HR dept - or payroll, or whatever] to do their expenses for them.

He is an IT consultant who specialises in project management techniques, such as how to prioritise, how to use IT effectively etc!

He works away from home M-Th every week so should in theory have loads of time to do his expenses in the evenings. He also seems to spend every spare hour at home watching storage hunters and/or complaining of headaches.

He hasn't done his expenses for months now and when I asked him to get his finger out at the weekend, told me how much he estimated he was owed in expenses - c£20K!! Shock. I have just gone through our last 6 months' bank statements [he never looks at them] - of the expenses I can identify and the salary coming in, I reckon he is actually working for half-pay, as his expenses pm equate to half his monthly income!

It's not as if I haven't tackled him about this before - several times over the last few months I have checked the bank statements and not seen any expenses being paid in. I have offered to do his expenses for him [come on, how hard can it be?] but he says it's too difficult to explain [really?] but he won't hand over his receipts [partly because he leaves them in piles all over our bookshelves, his bedside table, his study desk upstairs, in his pocket, in his car, etc etc]. AIBU to think he really is too busy just to spend an hour once a week doing his expenses instead of letting them build up like this?

When I said WTAF [can't figure out how to make the shouty text any 'louder'], he then followed up by saying that work would get him into trouble as he's late submitting [which I take to mean that after say 3 months his receipts are no longer valid and they won't pay those expenses.]

WIBU to email his workplace to ask if I can submit his expenses on his behalf - if it's that hard, maybe I should hire myself out for the other consultants too, and charge them £15ph for the privilege of having me submit their expenses. I have never heard of a company's expenses system being too hard to submit to??? I have worked as a consultant myself and worked away from home, so I know that yes, it may be tediously boring, but if you did it once a week it shouldn't take long! It's our family's income he's compromising and we are only just struggling to break even after a disastrous couple of years when he made some pretty crap decisions about our own business that left us heavily in debt. We are just clawing our way back and now he behaves like this!

Not sure I'm looking for any advice - apart from how the hell do I get him to do something - fast!!

OP posts:
pluck · 13/10/2015 18:25

Shit, that mismanagement isn't great.

It sounds as though he's not competent in all the necessary aspects of his job (expenses!), so maybe ought to get a part-time job with less responsibility, as the family can't afford to sub him in this one.... Sad Grin

Defenderwife · 15/10/2015 11:56

It sounds like your still pandering to him. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. He has willingly let you and him get into debt when there was no need too AND has compromised your pension income.

I would pack a bag and go and stay somewhere over the weekend till he does the expenses.

I hope I'm not right but I am almost convinced he is hiding something.

MrsRossPoldark · 20/10/2015 15:28

Hm - little update for you - he has just had 6 of his claims rejected for various reasons, all of which may actually be legitimate as he hasn't had enough practice doing the damn expenses has he?!

However, in the meantime, I'm now looking for f-t work [I'm ready to go from p-t to f-t although after today's stressful [half-] day, I'm not sure now but that's another issue.

After going to a first interview for a job yesterday afternoon, he comes out with the comment that "well, you should really be contributing more now to the family". Whilst undoubtedly we could do with the extra ££ [couldn't we all?!], this comes after he spent most of yesterday afternoon/evening either sleeping or watching TV or often both at the same time [who says men can't multi-task!], whilst I checked the bank account; went through a form with DS18 and ensured he had the right supporting documents; walked the dog; cooked dinner; cleared up after dinner; swapped over the filthy dishes from breakfast in the d/w; researched for potential second interview; reminded DS12 to practise music; ensured DS16 had a key before he went out and I knew what time he was coming home; thought about mowing the lawn; did the ironing; hung it all up; picked up dirty clothes off floor...etc etc

I think if I'm going to 'contribute more' to the family finances, he can bloodywell 'contribute more' to the chores?! That's NBU is it?! Angry

defenderwife: I am now almost certain he isn't hiding anything [apart from the fact that he wasn't claiming his expenses on time] unless it's all down to 'lack of time' cos he's actually doing something else whilst staying in hotels all week, that means he can't spend the time to do his expenses [or is that actually what you meant!Confused

OP posts:
Noctilucent · 20/10/2015 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 20/10/2015 16:28

Have you read the book "wifework"?

All I am reading is that he is too important to bother with the mundane things in life and some low life can sort them out for him...

TBH I'd be booking some couples therapy to have a discussion about his attitude to money and you out in the open!

pluck · 20/10/2015 17:03

Is he TRYING to piss you off? And why?

Defenderwife · 20/10/2015 18:55

Bloody hell!

What I meant was maybe he isn't away in hotels on work events. It screams other woman to me.

I hope you had it out with him today about his ridiculous comments.

OliviaBenson · 20/10/2015 19:01

I'm sorry but if you are getting a full time job you are enabling him (it would be different if you planned to leave him and was doing it for yourself, but I don't get that impression).

I would leave him if I was you. But living together as you are, I wouldn't be doing anything at all for him. He isn't getting any consequences for his actions because you pick up the slack for him.

I genuinely don't know how you can live like this. Please don't borrow and more money. If things break, then tough.

How long can you take this for op?

landrover · 20/10/2015 19:11

Mmmm so 6 of his claims have been rejected and he can't tell you why? And you are still believing him?

Stillunexpected · 20/10/2015 20:18

So what is actually doing to get the six claims accepted? Presumably they are not rejected forever? I seriously don't know why you are putting up with this shit. And, based on companies for which I have worked in the past with strict expenses systems, I shouldn't be in the least surprised if he hasn't missed the cut-off for claiming some of those expenses. I think we used to allow leeway of about three months after which time expenses were lost for ever - this was particularly enforced at financial year end.

Grapejuicerocks · 20/10/2015 20:24

Tell him you will share your wages when he sorts out his expenses and has proved that he will keep up to date with them. And repeat every time he tries to throw that back in your face.

I'd be claiming on that excessive life insurance by now or languishing in jail as I would't be able to restrain myself from killing him. How on earth do you put up with it - seriously?

justgoandgetalife · 20/10/2015 22:23

FWIW and having joined this thread late:

TBH, reading this, a friend of mine is an ex-VP of a large corporate. Their expenses system is quite complex, with restrictions on what you can spend in a day; what you can spend on a taxi; how to log a taxi cab ride; etc, so I think it's probable that he has had a few claims bounced back for resubmission? I also know a lot of single, childless people who 'forget' to claim expenses, but it's only themselves they affect. If you have a partner and kids they rely on your joint income [regardless of how much each partner earns] and he's been a dick in not 'getting around to it' - no-one is so important that they can let it slip like this!

I just hope OP has laid down the law and told him he's been a total arse for leaving it until now to try to catch up. As for the timing, I'm not sure, but most companies I know have a three-month limit in which to submit a claim after which your expenses are lost for ever.

If he does it weekly, it's not an onerous task - boring maybe, but then we all have to do boring stuff and he needs to treat it as being part of his job, not an optional extra, especially if he has a family to pay for.

Hope OP isn't going for this f-t job in order to allow DH to start 'forgetting' his expenses all over again. Keep reminding him at every opportunity, and don't let him get his hands on your earnings until, or unless, he proves he can claim the rest back and then continue to reliably claim for say the next 6 months at least. and ensure he pulls his weight re chores - you won't have time to do it all if you are both f-t earners. Just because you don't earn as much as your partner, or have chosen to be a SAHP, that does not mean that the lower earner or SAHP contributes any less! I hate that assumption that you are only contributing with ££'s and not effort / time.

notapizzaeater · 20/10/2015 22:27

Are the 6 claims likely to be accepted or is that it now ?

Amammi · 20/10/2015 23:50

Could you empty the main account so that he literally has to make the expense claims in order to fund further travel?

MrsRossPoldark · 21/10/2015 19:28

Good grief! They are finally paying in to our account! OMG how hard was that! Wine All of a sudden they are crediting and we might be catching up [a bit]. I will keep reminding him as often as I can and give him the ultimatum that he has to continue to keep on top of it.

Amammi: I did toy with the idea of clearing out the a/c but all our DDs and SOs come out of it, so I'd have to leave enough to pay those and he'd just spend it if he saw there was any money in it at all. I also suggested to him that I'd stop his cards but he does still have to go to work and he has to pay for it somehow. A separate c/card wouldn't work as we still have to pay it off with something. His company only allow American Express and they aren't accepted in enough places these days.

In terms of the f-t job - I went for first interview today and got second interview tomorrow with a view to starting ASAP - it's actually right up my street - all that I do now p-t but with a f-t job and all the benefits that attracts [paying NI and enough that I can put some away in a pension!], plus additional challenges that I'm ready for now. Also much stronger prospects for me to move up the management structure without having to get additional qualifications etc. Grin

Whatever happens, DH must keep on top of things and prove he can handle his admin before I let him get his hands on any of the extra money [if I ever do]! He was working out my monthly pay over the phone earlier this evening and I expect was rubbing his hands in glee - he's got another thing coming!Wink

OP posts:
MrsRossPoldark · 21/10/2015 19:30

Just gone back to my OP: 21st July !!!

OP posts:
SugarDiabetes · 21/10/2015 19:47

OP, are you exactly 3 months as far forward as you wanted to be..?

Georgethesecond · 21/10/2015 19:57

Good news.

I suspect he will relax now he thinks he has got you off his back though, and ignore the older ones that he is less likely to get back and may actually need him to speak to someone to get special authorisation which will reveal him as the incompetent he clearly is

Keep an eye on him!

RandomMess · 21/10/2015 20:11

Presumably he does know that he'll have to help around the house far more once you start full time...

CassieBearRawr · 21/10/2015 21:37

He sounds an absolute delight OP. Lucky you.

MrsRossPoldark · 21/10/2015 22:18

At the moment I am being as patient as I can be until the money is all claimed for. Once it's all paid in I can carry in reminding him to keep it up. I am getting into the habit of ending every conversation about money and expenses related stuff (for example, when he says he's going to upgrade to first class as its the same as second class if he travels off peak) with "yes that's fine, as long as you claim it back".

And yes, he and the kids will have to help around the house more. With half term next week I'm planning to show the kids how to iron their own clothes for a start (they already do a lot round the house as I have a whiteboard in the kitchen I use to write it all up daily). I also need for DH to actually do some of the items in his list that he hasn't done since I started using it! (Summer 2014 I believe!) Not holding my breath. If it doesn't happen the LTB will lift its head again.

OP posts:
veryveryquietly · 22/10/2015 12:01

Even if his company only allows American Express company cards, he needs to get one ASAP. Hotels, rental car companies, the Trainline, and airlines all accept American Express, and those will (should) account for the major portion of his expenses. Taking those out would only leave meals, petrol, and incidentals for him to get reimbursed for, and those are probably small enough to float while waiting for reimbursement.

There is absolutely no excuse for him not to get one. This flexiloan business basically means he is putting your family's credit at risk for the sake of his employers. When is the last time his employers put their credit at risk for his family's sake?

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2015 13:47

I have Barclaycard cash back c/c that is a combined Visa & AmEx account i.e. purchases on either Visa card or AmEx all appear on one bill. The AmEx attracts a little more % cash back than the Visa, but it means you always have a card that can be accepted by all retailers.

I would TELL your 'D'H that he needs to open a c/c account in his own name which is to be used for purely work expenses. This will make it easy for him to submit.

He needs to submit his expenses once per month when the c/c bill comes in.

He is then responsible for that c/c account, and can only pay it off when his work reimburse his expenses from the previous month. No drawing from the joint account for work expenses UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

If he gets into debt and the balance racks up on that c/c through not submitting expenses, I would then seriously consider leaving. He sounds pretty terrible, honestly, from what you've posted. He's away all week and then does nothing at home when he is there, which is lazy, and he's a financial liability because he's too lazy to submit expenses. I wouldn't be able to find that attractive.

Whatdoidohelp · 14/11/2015 18:12

what's the latest on this saga op?

MrsRossPoldark · 15/12/2015 16:08

Been away for a while - now seems to be pretty much up to date and from what I can see most of it has been paid into our account [even the really old ones], though I suspect he must have lost a few bits of paper over the intervening months. I hope they weren't big ones.

However, I haven't relaxed just yet - this weekend he avoided any housework / chores / diy etc by saying he 'had to do his expenses'. He finally got round to it at 4am this morning, and then left for 'the north' for a couple of days, leaving most of his paperwork behind on the kitchen table. The fight goes on.

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